需要修改托福作文的可以贴在下面。我可以偶尔过来帮忙修改。有时间就会来，不一定及时。这里看到 @Fleura 在论坛上贴的论文，要求修改。我就先改一改做个示范。
Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade(mark) they get in school.Do you think this is a good idea?
（注意首字母大写，这样看似不严重的错误，实际上很低级）as a famous saying goes-”no pains, no gains.” （英文文案中没有引号，使用冒号即可）with the ever-accelerated updating （用力过猛，不要过度使用形容词，恰到好处即可）technology and science, some people today prefer to choose the way easier to feed on, even without the diligence. and the conception like this gradually penetrates the ideas of the adolescents in next generation（such conception might be passed on to the next generation）, some of them even abondan working hard in their schoolwork, imagining making money some day in no pain (someday without any effort). with this phenomenon comes a heated debate about whether parents today should offer money to their school-age children for high grade they get in school. despite the backdraw that the children may attach much importance in the money, i, given the chance, prefer to say it is beneficial for children`s future in giving him rewards when they have great appearance (achevements) in study. and there are some reasons and examples to further illustrate my opinion.
词汇和句式运用方面的建议：
这位学生在用词上有些过于用力，以至于一句简单的话在展现自己词汇量的句式中显得尤为力不从心。句子的赘述导致文章表达大打折扣。相反，建议学生在表达观点的时候首先做到精简明确，言简意赅，然后在保证表达清楚的基础上选择用哪个单词，而不是在现有的句子中插入不必要的词汇。I, given the chance, prefer to say... 这个表述非常赘述，很多学生会误以为这些毫无意义的语气词汇会给你加分，其实不然，给你加分的表述是你的大量语言和词汇都用在了表达观点上，而非用在一些无关紧要的地方。比如，你说：Although many people might disagree with this statement, I think it is infact beneficial to the children to develop their knowledge and skills in a rewarding system. 这句话虽然有些长，但是它的每一个单词都在围绕你的观点本身，而非花在一些没必要的与其词汇上。
首段文章结构上的建议：
第一段为 Introduction，你姑且可以叫它简介，第一段必须做到两件事：1.明确表达你的立场 2.告诉读者你的三个观点，既你这篇文章大概要讲什么。这位学生在首段中虽然明确表达了自己的立场，但是你并没有概括下面三个自然段里的内容。在你说出 there are some reasons and examples 之前，你要告诉读者，你认为奖励制好的原因是A,B,C。这样你的文章结构会更加严谨，别人在读一下段落的时候也明白接下来他们将会读到什么。这就是 Introduction 的功能，你如果读一本书的简介，里面没有告诉你这本书大概要讲什么，那么，这篇简介是失败的。
to begin with, the money given for high grade the children get in school （a rewarding system）encourages them (children ) to work harder and better(下方批注). there is no doubt that children, as well as adults（赘述，你不需要再这里谈论 Adults）, would be motivated when they are admitted in some way （in what way? 这个语气听起来可信度高吗？感觉连你自己都不是很确信。）. in this perspective, money does not only represent the goods people could buy, but kinds of honor （it also represents honor and acknoledgements, 它代表了荣誉和肯定！不要说某种荣誉，听起来连你自己都还没理清思路）, rewards, acknowledge and encouragement. on the contrary, without any response in their high grade, children, unlike the adults, who might lack some self-control （self-displine） in hard work, would probably prefer to play with peels rather than sitting there studing in boredom. for example, my cousin, li hua, representative of the mathematics class and student has got the best grade in the high school, used to be bad in controling himself in playing computer games. after being rewarded by his mother in giving him money when he got progress in the study, he retained his confidence in studying and catch up quickly. obviously, it is the honor and encouragement the money given by his mother brings him the motivition to work harder and better.
harder and better：这样的词汇在写作中会被指责为 Pointless，听似讲了什么，实际上并没有实质的意义，在写作中要尽量避免使用 Better 这个词，从而选择更加精确的表达方式，你说的better到底是指的什么？work hard 实际上也并不算表达精确，你可以选择使用 strive for success 之类的表达会更加精确。
另：文章结构和思路不够严谨，你需要在奖励制和Money之间建立联系，并且挑出重点来描述，实际上从常识上来讲，你不应该过多地去谈论 Money 的作用，而是它作为一种奖励所起到的鼓励作用，故此，在有些地方可以把 Money 这个单词改成 reward，并且侧重去谈论奖励制的好处。除此之外，你这一段的中心论点是什么？首段中你提到奖励制的好处，这一段你需要围绕它好的原因之一来展开论述，它的原因之一是什么？我读完这段不是很明确。从结构上讲，你似乎并没有站在第一段的基础上，进一步说明，似乎还是在大体上谈论给钱的好处。如果你想围绕 Motivation 论述，那么你需要更加明确你的论点。
in addition, the rewards of money leads to a concept of finance in the school- age children. back into the money itself, other than the represent of honor, it is, in virtually, a tool of finance, by which people could establish a stable environment for themselves, or community, and even the socioty. for instance, the word my mother told me most when i was so young is that only by managing you own money could you get more and more money. and it is not a rare instance, almost the majority of families in our country has this concept- managing your money for future. and it is undeniable that childhood is the best period to teach a child how to control, conserve and spend their money.
这一段你想谈论个人理财或者财务管理能力的提升吗？若是那样，你需要更加明确你的论点，并且在文章中明明白白地表达，通过给钱，可以提高学生的财务管理能力（或者灌输财务管理意识）不管你的观点是什么，你必须揪住一个不放，并且把它铺开论述清楚。
admittedly, the money on the hand of children may cause some bad use like in computer games or toys. but compared with the benefits it bring to the children, these points are too small and limited to pool myself out of my position.
to put it into a nutshell, the parents could give their children some money as rewards to educate them better. and i believe the examples above have proven my opinion.
最后两段有些龙头蛇尾哈，论文前半截耗尽了你的精力，到后面越写越没耐性。建议论文字数350以内，不要写到500。在写论文的时候先理清楚你的三个观点和各个观点的理由。在动笔之前，你脑子里应该有个清晰的框架，不要在动笔的时候自以为你会写着写着就把观点想清楚了。
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发表于 2018-6-25 16:06:11
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