[分享]Personal Achievement Essay

Personal Achievement Essay

Naomi K. (Admitted by Wharton)

In Great Application Essays for Business School, which will be released in December 2005 by McGraw-Hill, publisher of BusinessWeek, author Paul Bodine provides an inside look at successful application essays. Bodine offers suggestions throughout each of the essays to give readers an idea of what admissions committees consider a well-thought-out and insightful response to their essay questions. The following is one of four essays from the book:

Essay prompt: Describe a personal achievement that has had a significant impact on your life. In addition to recounting this achievement, please analyze how the event has changed your understanding of yourself and how you perceive the world around you. (3 pages, 1000 words)

Since 1997, I have been volunteering as a Big Brother for a 12-year-old boy named Lonnie through the Alameda County United Way's Big Brother/Big Sister program. [Naomi's story is strong enough that she can get away with a direct, "uncreative" lead sentence] When I joined the organization, it was clear that Lonnie needed someone to boost his self-esteem. At the end of his school term, Lonnie's mother told me that he did not do very well in math so I also started to help him with his homework. We spent last summer doing extra math work, and I tried to spark his interest in math by explaining things to him using examples from his favorite activity: sports. Once he understood that math had practical value for things in his own life, he was able to catch up to other students. In the fall term Lonnie improved his grade from a C to a B. Hearing this news was one of the proudest moments of my life.

Later in the spring term, however, Lonnie experienced behavioral problems emanating from his inability to control his anger at his school, and the school authorities moved him to a special school. [Effective use of a "plot reversal": apparent happy ending leads to deeper challenge] He told me he missed his old school a lot and was willing to do anything for a chance to go back. He also admitted that he knew he might get his chance if he could control his anger. Seeing that Lonnie needed somebody to help him control his emotions, I worked to give him a sense of security and urged him to reason out the implications of the actions his anger drove him to. I also encouraged him to get a summer job to develop a sense of responsibility. He listened to and practiced my advice, and by the end of summer the authorities allowed him to return to his old school.

My friendship with Lonnie over the past two years is one of my proudest achievements because I have seen the tangible effect my help is having on his confidence and his life. The feeling that I can improve someone else's life by giving of myself is deeply satisfying. Before Lonnie let me help him, I used to divide the world into two parts: good and bad. The Good were the law-abiding citizens like you and me, and the Bad were the criminals we often see on TV being arrested. I firmly believed that all criminals had to be incarcerated and held responsible for their deeds. But by helping Lonnie through his behavioral problem, I realized that had all those "bad" people gotten help in their formative years, they might not have chosen the path they did. [Strong "lesson learned": life is more complicated then she used to believe] Because of my experience with Lonnie, my whole outlook toward society and the world has changed. I no longer believe that incarcerating young people who break the law is the only solution. Though incarceration might help in the short term, the longer-term solution is to take care of the problem proactively. If we all were to devote some time and effort and influence to the lives of the less fortunate, the world would definitely be a better place to live in.

Motivated by the positive impact I had on Lonnie's life and the change it had on my outlook, I began participating in other community activities where I can make the world a better place. [Effectively uses impact of one personal accomplishment to tell a second personal accomplishment] While reading about the recent skirmishes between the Bosnian and Serbian armies, for example, I was moved by the sacrifices made by the Bosnian armed forces to protect their country from internal or external invasion. My research showed me that although the Bosnian Army provides sufficient financial support to soldiers killed during war, it does not provide the same level of support to the families of soldiers killed in internal counterinsurgency operations.

The amount of money the average American spends eating one restaurant meal could pay for an entire month's education and living expenses for one child of a slain soldier in Bosnia. I therefore decided to found an organization that would establish a scholarship fund for these children. [Shows impressive ability to translate her social concern into concrete action] My friends greeted my idea enthusiastically, and I soon had five volunteers who were willing to support the cause by paying a nominal amount every month for the education of these fatherless children. However, I encountered bureaucratic red tape when I presented Bosnia's Veterans Wives Welfare Association with my plan. To cut through it, I contacted the adjutant general of Bosnian Army, Lieutenant General S. L. Nemosevic, and detailed my plan directly to him. [Shows she can go straight to the top when necessary] Impressed by the idea, he promptly offered all the help he could give.

Leveraging my experience as a volunteer for Big Brothers/Big Sisters, I then formed an organization, [organization name] (Slavic for "helper of brave warrior") whose sole aim is to bring together host families and beneficiary families. The Adjutant General's Office provides us with the contact information and estimated financial needs of the families of the slain soldiers, and we match them with a host family living abroad who donates up to $30 a month. The beneficiary family is required to write the host family every month about the child's academic performance and furnish them and [organization name] with grade reports. [Paragraph is full of specific details that make achievement credible]

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