求批改，Argument 25

maximusi · 发表于 2011-12-2 12:45:06

25,The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe."A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment."

The application reports that it is clear that the C-note would be a temendously profitable enterprise. And to support this recommendation the applicant point out that the nearest club is 65 miles away. He also cites other evidences to tell us jazz is very popular in Monroe. However, close scrutiny of each of these facts reveals that none of them lend credible support to the argument.
Begain with, the fact of the nearest club is 65 miles away does not necessarily indicate that the C-note(C) would have the local market all to itself. Maybe the jazz club that is 65 miles away is so famous that a large number of jazz fans want to have a fun time in the club although they have to drive a long distance. Or perhaps residents of Monroe are not interested in C-note. Although the club is near their home, they choose not to enjoy themselves in the C-note.
Secondly, even if C-note would have the local market all to itself, the argumenter cites further that several facts to tell us jazz is extremely popular in Monroe. Careful examnition of this supporting evidence, however, reaveals that it lends little credible support to the claim. First, although over 100,000 people attend Monroe's jazz fesitival , the author do not give us the exact number of the overall residents in Monroe. Maybe 100,000 people is just a little portion of all the residents in the city. Second, although there are several well-known jazz musicians living in Monroe, it is probablely not for the culture of jazz. They live here just because of the beautiful environment or convenient traffic condition. Third, the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is "Jazz Nightly", perhaps there are only a few funny radio programs and other programs is so dull that they can not attract the public's attention. In short, without ruling out other possible reasons the author can not convince me on the basis of them that Monroe residents are interested in jazz, let alone about C-note will make money.
The last but not the least, even if jazz is extremely popular in Monroe, a nationwide study does not indicate that jazz fans of Monroe spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. Maybe the average income of residents in Monroe is lower than that of nationwide, fans can not spend nearly $1,000 on jazz entertainment.
In sum, the application relies on certain doutful assumptions that render in unconvincing as it stands. It is not clear that the C-Note cannot heip but make money. To bolster the recommendation the applicant must provide clear evidence that the total number of residents in Monroe and more details about theradio programs, and considering the difference of jazz fans between Monroe and nation.

普渡哥 · 发表于 2011-12-2 12:57:07

The application reports that it is clear that the C-note would be a temendously profitable enterprise. And to support this recommendation the applicant points out that the nearest club is 65 miles away. He also cites other evidences to tell us jazz is very popular in Monroe. However, close scrutiny of each of these facts reveals that none of them lend credible support to the argument.

大剑Jade · 发表于 2011-12-2 13:00:51

注意拼写，begain with这样的
说的每一点都没有深入，对错先另说，只是提到一下就跳开的话效果就很小，而且导致总体内容也不多。
语言能力还需要加强，句式还需要多些变化。

普渡哥 · 发表于 2011-12-2 13:09:19

Began with, the fact of the nearest club is 65 miles away does not necessarily indicate that the C-note(C) would have the local market all to itself. Maybe the jazz club that is 65 miles away is so famous that a large number of jazz fans want to have a fun time in the club although they have to drive a long distance. Or perhaps residents of Monroe are not interested in C-note. Although the club is near their home, they choose not to enjoy themselves in the C-note.

(how do you know people want to go 65 miles away but not to enjoy C-note? Why people choose not to enjoy with C-note? I do not think this paragraph is good reasoning. You'd better give conclusions based on some facts too.)

普渡哥 · 发表于 2011-12-2 13:14:13

Third, the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is "Jazz Nightly", perhaps there are only a few funny radio programs and other programs is so dull that they can not attract the public's attention. In short, without ruling out other possible reasons the author can not convince me on the basis of them that Monroe residents are interested in jazz, let alone about C-note will make money.

In United States, even the most rural area can share all the television and radio programs as big city like NewYork.

普渡哥 · 发表于 2011-12-2 13:15:54

The last but not the least, even if jazz is extremely popular in Monroe, a nationwide study does not indicate that jazz fans of Monroe spend close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. Maybe the average income of residents in Monroe is lower than that of nationwide, fans can not spend nearly $1,000 on jazz entertainment.

普渡哥 · 发表于 2011-12-2 13:18:19

第三段论述得挺好。下面的理由也不错。但第二段的论述有些牵强。

gemyang · 发表于 2011-12-3 00:07:16

In this argument, the author concludes that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. In order to support his conclusion, the author cites that the jazz is extremely popular in Monroe and a nationwide study indicates jazz fan spends on jazz entertainment is a large number. At first glance, this argument appears to be somewhat reasonable, actually, further reflection informs me that it has a myriad of assumptions and holes.

First and foremost, the author presumptuously assumes that the jazz is popular in Monroe city for the following reasons. The author cites that the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away, so it will be profitable if builds a jazz club here since there is no competitors in this area, it is groundless for him to conclude this for there is a possibility that it indicates the jazz is not popular in this area so there is no one jazz club since there is no profit for the jazz club. Secondly, the author cites the case that there were over 100000 people attended annual jazz festival last summer, the author presumptuously relies his conclusion on the rosy prediction that all the thing will remain unchanged for a long time. It is perhaps that the good economic condition last year which contributes to huge volume of visitors and there is a possibility that this year the economy is so bad that it is hard for people to afford this. Several popular jazz musicians live in Monroe does not amount to the popularity of the jazz, it perhaps the case that these musicians live here just for a short time or perhaps have a long term trip, but not the residents of here. Radio program which airs every weeknight does not means people have a favor of jazz since the author fails to provides no information about the rate of listening and the advice of audience. The author unfairly ascribe the seemingly populace of the jazz to what he presumptuously assumes.

In addition, the author fails to take into the distinction between the Monroe and the other cities of the nation. The nationwide data is not necessary represent the situation of the Monroe. It is highly possible that the Monroe city ,which the majority of its population are the elder ,renders the popularity among young people is increasingly decline.

Moreover, even if what the author cites are true and the jazz is definitely popular in this area, it is presumptuously for him to predict that building a jazz club will inevitably profitable. It is a question whether the well-known musicians will join in the club, even if the musicians will join in the club, who can predict the salaries of them, even if the salaries are not a remarkable cost, there is a highly possible that the cost for building the club is overwhelmingly surpass the revenue in spite of the economic condition.

In conclusion, this argument actually has several flaws as discussed above, to make the author’s assertion that the jazz club will be surely profitable, the author would have to take into every possible consideration account and provide more information for evaluating his claim.

[作文互改] 求批改，Argument 25

这是我写的，大家帮忙看看，改改，谢谢。

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