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[作文互改] 求拍 A25 Jazz Club 欢迎各位拍砖!

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楼主
发表于 2011-11-29 20:05:14 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式
附题目
25) The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment.
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
用时:30min 字数:497
In this argument, the author asserts that a jazz music club C-Note in Monroe
would be tremendously profitable. To support his proposal, he cites that the nearest jazz club is far away, and jazz is extremely popular in Monroe
, also, a study showing the annual spend of jazz fans is used to lend support for his application. The argument looks logical at first glance, but is specious in several aspects.
To further evaluate his argument, firstly, we need evidence to show jazz is indeed very popular in Monroe. Though over 100,000 people attended Monroe
's annual jazz festival, the number of local people who are involved in the festival is unknown, which undermines that jazz is popular in Monroe. Perhaps most of the audiences of the festival are tourists who spend their vocation in Monroe.Moreover, there is no information about whether those well-known jazz musician work in Monroe, it is possible that they work at other places while living in Monroe because of the good living conditions, for that matter, the number of famous jazz musicians could not help to prove that jazz is popular in Monroe. Furthermore, as to the hottest radio program in Monroe, the "Jazz Nightly", we do not know whether its content is about jazz, or perhaps it just use a jazz name while actually tells exciting stories with jazz music.
The second important evidence we need to evaluate this argument is whether C-Note can be profitable. The author assumes that as the nearest club is 65 miles away, C-Note would have lots of consumers. However, if C-note could not provide good services, I am afraid that people would still choose the far away club, for that matter, C-Note would not be profitable. Also, as we all know, profit is the function of revenue and cost. However, we do not know how much money will be invested in C-Note, as well as how much will be spend on opening a jazz club, therefore, we would not know whether C-Note would be profitable. In addition, by citing the nationwide study that shows a typical jazz fan cost on jazz per year is $1,000, the author claim that C-Note would be profitable. However, whether the result ofnationwide study could be applied to Monroe is unknown, maybe the jazz fans in Monroe spend must less on jazz than that, even if they spend so much, it is still quite possible that their cost would not be in jazz club, but in jazz festivals, albums and so on. Also, the number of jazz fans is unknown,, if there are few fans, even if they spend much money on C-Note, no one can guarantee C-Note could still be profitable.

In sum, we need to know the evidence that jazz is popular in Monroe and C-Note would be profitable. Without further market survey on the profit of opening C-Note and detailed investigation of whether jazz is popular in Monroe
, I would still cast doubt on the author's argument.

欢迎各位拍砖!谢谢~
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沙发
发表于 2011-11-29 22:53:32 | 只看该作者
我觉得作者的逻辑特别好,语言能力也特别强。唯一的美中不足是结尾段草草了事。
In sum, we need to know the evidence that jazz is popular in Monroe and C-Note would be profitable. Without further market survey on the profit of opening C-Note and detailed investigation of whether jazz is popular in Monroe
, I would still cast doubt on the author's argument.

我觉得这句: In sum, we need to know the evidence that jazz is popular in Monroe and C-Note would be profitable. 不是特别好。他们自认为有一些evidence, 你可以说他们需要做深入的研究,或者要绝对你提出来的疑问。。。可以参考一些好的结果。

总体来说, good job!
板凳
发表于 2011-11-29 22:57:38 | 只看该作者
从拿到题开始,30min搞这么多字,很强呀
地板
发表于 2011-11-29 23:00:52 | 只看该作者
a study showing the annual spend of jazz fans is used to lend support for his application
关于这句,鄙人窃以为应该用a nationwide study更有利于之后的阐发
5#
 楼主| 发表于 2011-11-30 13:05:31 | 只看该作者
谢谢,结尾是很草率,因为时间不够了,而且确实也不知道结尾该说啥呢。得好好研究下。
另外,我感觉自己几乎把每一点都攻击了,可是都没有深入的展开。是不是应该只选上两三个点进行深入的攻击更好呢?
6#
 楼主| 发表于 2011-11-30 13:06:27 | 只看该作者
谢谢!被逼的了。另外就是写作环境宽松,不紧张。考试能写到这么多就好了。
7#
 楼主| 发表于 2011-11-30 13:06:49 | 只看该作者
嗯。加上更好。
8#
发表于 2011-11-30 13:14:50 | 只看该作者
是啊,应该抓住两三点重点展开。
9#
发表于 2011-12-2 16:22:56 | 只看该作者
真的灰常好
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