求大虾修改作文 9月18号考试小女子感激不尽

锁骨evelyn · 发表于 2010-9-1 15:40:00

题目：there will be fewer cars in use after 20 years than there are today.

回答：
It is a fact that people are getting more and more concious on enviroment preservation today,we see notions about this issue everywhere,no matter on buses,televisons or newspapers.and a stronger and stonger voice of claim to less cars in use has been brongt into focus which lead to some innocent people are prone to believe there will be fewer cars running in 20 years than there are today.however, this is not the case from my perspective.

though some concrete actions has been done to aviod pollution,the desperate plight of enviroment condition can't eclipse the fact that the overheated desiration of potential car use derived from the need of all kinds also had to be be taken into consideration without decay.

accompanied with the prompt urge from enviromentalist is the daily increasingly neccessary demand for dramatically more cars,especially in those developing country where their starting of economical prosper produced numourouse amount of newly-wealth and middleclasses who want to enjor luxieries as did in western countries.among them,cars is their first chioce to display the wealth.one of my friends's family is right the example.can you imagine a 3-people family possess 5 cars?it is what really happend in real life.

after all,not all people are heartfelt proponent to enviroment protection.except those with huge properties,most general public owns a simple will to get a car just for convenience.life in today have married to cars since the restrictions people reside usually extend across a dramatical areasour society is filled with such instances.it is up to 2 hours for my parent spending on cars to go to work.how it will be without a car?5hours'walking to work?

undoubtfully,combat to destruction of enviroment is progress continually,whereas,the expanding necessarity for cars is the trend is indeed the truth instead of the nonbers of cars will cut down in 20 years.

锁骨evelyn · 发表于 2010-9-1 23:15:52

哦不是只是练习的 tpo3写作

megoliu · 发表于 2010-9-2 13:26:16

首先，第一段，第一个分句和第二个分居全部属于independence clause, 也就是他们是完整的句子，可以独立存在。这种句子不能用逗号连接,如果用逗号链接，必须加连接词，比如and, however, therefore, etc.

第二，,“televisons or newspapers”，他俩是单独的，严格来讲，应该，television, or newspaper.

第三，第一段中间那个句子过长，意思不清晰，建议变成几个稍微短的句子。

第四，第一段最后一句，however，没有大写。

后面没有看，加油同学。

锁骨evelyn · 发表于 2010-9-4 16:25:50

太感谢了呼呼一起加油加油哦

puyuhit · 发表于 2010-9-5 21:05:42

开头可以给出背景描写，然后陈述双方观点，如果陈述双方观点时可以运用不同的句式，开头段给老师的印象会较高。最重要的是接下来阐明自己的观点，也就是全文的topic，然后给出简要理由，实在没有就用I have several reasons to support my opinion
接下来一般是三个分论点，证明你的观点，分三段，每段要有一个分论点的topic sentence，然后是example。
结尾段再次点明你的观点，并给出有力的陈述。
总而言之大体按照这样的话，应该能得个不错的分数，但关键还得多练习

ccrichardcc · 发表于 2010-9-5 21:15:50

第一句话是不是run-on了？

求大虾修改作文 9月18号考试小女子感激不尽

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