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linchen0211 · 发表于 2010-2-10 13:14:37

Issue :A company is not responsible for motivating employees ; instead, motivation is the employees’ own responsibility

The argument presents that it is the employees themselves rather than the company that should try their best to make themselves active and passionate with their works . Although it is true that a person is the main factor for his or her own improvement, we could not deny the role of the companies playing in the motivation of employees as a whole. I will discuss the issue from both of the sides and lead to my own conclusion as followed.

Admittedly , the internal force of a person is crucial to the progress in a certain fields. If one has a specific goal for his or her own, he or she would firstly encourage himself or herself .According to the philosophy of Marxism, it is highly appreciated that the internal motivation is essential for the development of things , which is analogous to the man’s development as man is the center of the development.

However, when it comes to the circumstance of a company , where humans work in the meaning of teamwork , it could be neglected that despite the motivation of the individuals ,how to activate the whole team for the achievement of the company’s goal plays important role of the development of the company. This topic is hotly discussed among many management professionals. They lead to a consensus that the manager ,on behave of the company ,is the key of the cooperation of the whole team or even the whole company. Without the managers’ effort of motivation, everyone in their positions just do their daily work ,no creation ,no further communication. That could only finish the work ,but doesn’t find breakthrough in the work ,which may contribute to the development not only for the work but also for the company.

Furthermore, combined with the internal motivation of people, they hope to be acknowledged by others , the acknowledgement will waken their potentials. In this aspect, the company ’s courage has a significant effect on a person. It could not only motivate the person to work for the company more vigorously by the means of financial incentive ,promotion and others , but also help the persons be recognized by others in the company. Additionally, others would be encouraged ,hoping of being praised, too.

In conclusion, it is fairly said that the company and the persons themselves are all responsible for the motivation for their own interests. With the company’s courage , one could find more confidence to self-motivation and then do a better job ,which would contribute to the development of the company.

linchen0211 · 发表于 2010-2-10 20:09:01

顶起请各位帮忙看下

spensertracy · 发表于 2010-2-11 13:30:42

看了一下你的作文，不逐句改了，大概说一下吧。

语言方面：你的句子结构需要再练习练习，很多句子有语法问题，我发现你很喜欢使用it is the/that... 或者 it could...这样的结构有很容易造成指代不清。比如你看你第三段的第一句话，这个“it could be neglected that” 就不太正确。另外，第一段“it is true that a person is the main factor”，这里a person 怎么能是factor呢？
所以，我的建议是，你要简化句子结构，李笑来说过，写作文不是longer is better，而GMAT这样的机器改的，更不能出这么多错误了。特别是每段的第一句，不要这么长的句子。你看你第一段上来，就一个rather than的句式，里面茫茫多的their，themselves，还有that定语从句的修饰（这个从句修饰company，但你实际上是修饰employees的），这些都很有风险。第三段也是，段首句这么多逗号，而且还有语法错误，很容易让别人没办法提取出你的观点。所以我的建议是，每段的第一句话开门见山，说观点就行了，别搞得这么绕。

接下来讲一下论述方面的问题。
你这个论述展开的不怎么充分，不够convinced。
第一个观点，你是+的。但是你只有一句话的一个例子，就是马克思主义哲学说，内因推动事物发展，这可以类比到人内部的motivation的重要性。（GMAT的语法好像不让which指代整句话的吧）这个理由完全没有展开嘛，你说了马克思的一句话，这不能代表什么啊。如果我来写，我会说：主观能动性是人行为的原动力，外因只是一种外部刺激（stimulation）。这就是为什么在同样的工作环境下，会有好员工和坏员工之分。然后再举一个通过自身努力奋斗出来的企业界的人的例子，一句话就行。比如GE的Jack Welch。

第二点，你说的是-的。我的理解是你强调了teamwork中manager激励的重要性。我觉得这个理由稍显微观，和其他两个不并列。你体会一下这细微的差别。我觉得，你可以说组织内部的机制(mechanism)，在激励员工方面会起到重要的作用。比如google的在创新方面的激励机制。或者一些consulting firm在鼓励团队合作方面的机制，也很好的激励了员工。

第三点，你说的也是-的。你在这段的最后才提到：“financial incentive ,promotion and others”。其实你大可以在开头就写出，sometimes the promotion and the financial incentive也是一种很好的激励方式。然后得稍微展开一下吧，比如说当员工工作很幸苦或者为公司作出了什么业绩时，这种金钱和晋升方面的激励对员工是一种很positive的feedback。

最后，我再说一个小点，你这三短，两头短，中间长，这种安排不合理。别人看你作文，一开始印象不好，中间稍微好了一点，最后又觉得不好。所以，你应该把自己觉得最傻的理由放在文章的中间，两头选好的理由，特别是最后一个理由，要精彩，给人一种峰回路转，桃源深处有人家的感觉，留下深刻印象。

就说到这里，不一定都对，希望能帮助你。

新春快乐！

linchen0211 · 发表于 2010-2-11 19:37:04

非常感谢我第一次写的作文幸好有人点评了不然我还傻乎乎的呢

我心向明月 · 发表于 2010-2-12 00:30:55

谢谢spensertracy，关于段落的长短分布，你觉得是比较均衡一些好吗（就是每段写的字数差不多）？

spensertracy · 发表于 2010-2-12 13:51:12

谢谢spensertracy，关于段落的长短分布，你觉得是比较均衡一些好吗（就是每段写的字数差不多）？

-- by 会员我心向明月 (2010/2/12 0:30:55)

是的，如果想不出三个一样好的理由，中间一段可以稍短。如果三个理由同样有话说，第一段可以短一点。因为我觉得一般第一个理由都是比较普通的，就是大家都能想到的那种，之后再逐渐进入状态。我觉得其实长短都不是很重要，但是切忌由于时间关系，越写越短。

我心向明月 · 发表于 2010-2-13 00:32:29

是的，如果想不出三个一样好的理由，中间一段可以稍短。如果三个理由同样有话说，第一段可以短一点。因为我觉得一般第一个理由都是比较普通的，就是大家都能想到的那种，之后再逐渐进入状态。我觉得其实长短都不是很重要，但是切忌由于时间关系，越写越短。

-- by 会员 spensertracy (2010/2/12 13:51:12)

收到，非常感谢！

版主春节快乐！

spensertracy · 发表于 2010-2-13 01:38:07

春节快乐哈！

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