首作AA006！！请大家多多指点！！<----happy修改标题，见谅！

The author says that because of Helio's lower unemployment rates, historical achievement and the future plan of the city, corporations should look to the city when seeking new business chances or a new market. But a careful examination can reveal several flaws in the argument.

First, the low unemployment rates can tells us nothing but a shortage of labor. Other factors such as the industrial output of the city and the living standard of the population can more reflect the economy of the city than the unemployment can. For example, because of the severe recession of the city Helio, many people leave for other cities in order to find jobs. Then there is a low population in the Helio, insufficient to fulfill the industrial demand for labor. Therefore, the claim can not be supported unless other factors shown above can be ruled out.

Second, the historical achievement of the city can not be a evidence supporting the current situation. Even though the Helio contribute a lot to the region, there is no evidence shown to support that Helio is still providing more than its share of the region. The city of Yang Zhou in China, for instance, was a prosperous city in the period of Tang Dynasty, but when time goes by, it fall into great recession and never get its prior status.

Last but the least, admittedly, corporations may not invest into the city of Helio. Some cities other than Helio may have more business opportunities. Investing in the Helio may lose greater chances to gain more profit.

Thus, the author fails to correlate the unemployment rates to the economy situation by ignoring other factors that would affect the economy. Showing comprehensive statistics can more convince people than she currently can.

这是我第一次写gmat作文，以前没看过这道题，是用awa的模拟软件完成的30分钟整。在小对话框跳出前的一秒钟写完最后一个单词：）语法、句式、用词肯定有诸多不足，请多指点。字数292好像有些不够，请问能在哪部分在加点语言？多谢多谢！！

把题目贴一下吧，没题目怎么看啊！

The author says that because of Helio's lower unemployment rates, historical achievement and the future plan of the city, corporations should look to the city when seeking new business chances or a new market. But a careful examination can reveal several flaws in the argument.

First, the low unemployment rates can tells us nothing but a shortage of labor. Other factors such as the industrial output of the city and the living standard of the population can more reflect the economy of the city than the unemployment can. For example, because of the severe recession of the city Helio, many people leave for other cities in order to find jobs. Then there is a low population in the Helio, insufficient to fulfill the industrial demand for labor. Therefore, the claim can not be supported unless other factors shown above can be ruled out.

Second, the historical achievement of the city can not be a （an） evidence supporting the current situation. Even though the Helio contribute a lot to the region, there is no evidence shown to support that Helio is still providing more than its share of the region. The city of Yang Zhou in China, for instance, was a prosperous city in the period of Tang Dynasty, but when time goes by, it fall into great recession and never get its prior status.

Last but the least, admittedly, corporations may not invest into the city of LACE u1:st="on">HelioLACE>. Some cities other than Helio may have more business opportunities. Investing in the Helio may lose greater chances to gain more profit.

Thus, the author fails to correlate the unemployment rates to the economy situation by ignoring other factors that would affect the economy. Showing comprehensive statistics can more convince people than she currently can.

这是我第一次写gmat作文，以前没看过这道题，是用awa的模拟软件完成的30分钟整。在小对话框跳出前的一秒钟写完最后一个单词：）语法、句式、用词肯定有诸多不足，请多指点。字数292好像有些不够，请问能在哪部分在加点语言？多谢多谢！！

好吧，以一个过来人的身份我来一段段说。首先肯定一下你的句子和语法之类的很少错误，而且单词也很少拼错！个人觉得你还没有真正形成自己的模版，当然这是你第一次写作文，以后可以慢慢多写一点，渐渐形成一些自己的模版。觉得你可以在写之前，多看看别人的argu文章是这么一样的结构，然后经过自己的摸索，创造，形成自己的模版。同时可以多看看七宗罪，了解argu经常出现的逻辑错误攻击点（七宗罪中也有一定的模版可以参考），例如本文很明显可以从三个方面来攻击，你攻击了前两点，但是第三点，你可以说是忽略的，就是最后expand its economic base by attracting companies——文中提到的是吸引科技企业，而不是所有企业，这一点也可以成为你的攻击对象，形成你文章中间三段的一段展开。

增加字数方面，开头，以我个人的模版方法是先将题目所谓的结论总结一下，然后将题目作者支持这论点的证据进行概括，一般是2-3点，然后提出自己要进行反驳或说文中的逻辑站不住脚之类的语句，为下文做好铺垫。（例如in this argument, the author concludes that... To butress the conclusion, the author points out that... In addition, the author cites the fact...However, careful examination... ——楼主多看看其他人的文章吧，当初我也是看别人的文章，然后自己摸索出来属于自己的模版的）

中间段，个人觉得你中间点的第一段写的还是不错的——首先是一个本段总的论点，指出逻辑错误点，然后进行几句说明，解释性的话支持你的攻击。然后是举例，接着是一个小小的本段总结。但是后两段，特别是第三点，显然攻击的很不够，而且你完全是凭自己的主观色彩的，觉得这样写不太好，你可以采用我点评第一段上述的攻击点，然后你这段所写内容可以插在本段当中，而不是单独作为一段。

结论段，同样的，先一句总起句，然后2-3句话总结一下你前面中间段攻击的逻辑错误点。

觉得你可以多看看别人的文章，毕竟argu还是比较好把握，而且容易上手的，特别是看看别人用的句子，词语，可以改造自己运用在文中。同时在掐时写文章时，可以采用填充式——即写完开头，然后将中间段的每段的中心句（攻击点）写好，然后写结尾，然后在把中间段的每段进行填充，将说明性的话，反例阿写进去，这样会加快打字速度，同时平时还是得多写写，形成自己模版很重要！

当然楼主第一次写，已经很不错了，继续加油，希望我的个人建议能够有所帮助。

http://forum.chasedream.com/dispbbs.asp?boardID=26&ID=112067&page=4

这是以前版上NN们讨论的帖子，你可以参考参考！

同时如果楼主以后要发文章的话，请你不要忘了贴题目，同时麻烦以后把题目序号标清楚

要用argu: AA???  issue AI???  就像你这篇文章AA006，麻烦你把自己的标题也标一下，这样比较清楚，然后帖子中自己也改一下吧！！！

麻烦了！！加油啊！！

改写：In this argument, the author reaches the conclusion that corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities. To support his conclusion, the author reasons that Helios is historically the industrial center, enjoying a low unemployment rate and providing many manufacturing jobs. Meanwhile, the arguer points out that H is on its way expand its economic base by attracting certain sort of companies. The reasoning line in this argument commits three severe fallacies.

感觉开头用四句话的模板层次比较清楚，字数更多但熟练了就能写的很快。

多谢各位大牛的鼎力相助，相信小弟我一定不负大牛的期望，继续努力的！！！

sacrati 看了你的点评我真是受益匪浅啊！

谢谢小虾给我的文章进行了改写，这下字数也多了很多。呵呵！