新人求批改啊~~~

whopawhocbtc · 发表于 2013-12-11 23:17:43

Scientists have been working to make technology more easy and human friendly. How do you think technology had affected our lives? Give specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

At present, the debate on whether the government should support scientific research that does not have any practical use in the short term is very drastic. Some people argue that it is not wise to spend money on developing technologies that have no considerable use right now while others maintain that the government should support scientific research which have practical use in the long term. I think the latter ones may get the point.

Admittedly, the merits of investing scientific research that have short term utilities are very obvious in our life . One of which is that it is well known that we live in a world that involves complex problems , so a larger investment on a useful research associates with the greater likelihood of social improvement. The American government invest huge amounts of money on cultivating super corns which effectively increase the production of corns and relieve the problem of hungry.

However, it is logical to support scientific research that don't have practical use now, for they may be extremely useful in the future. Take the discovery of Internet for example. Internet contributes a lot to the efficiency of information acquisition and interpersonal communication. Firstly, the access of Internet can largely shorten the distance between information and us. If we want to search information, we don't have to go to the libraries to go through piles of books but only have to click on the computer mouse to get access to anything we want to know in the fields of science, literature, history and current events and so forth. Besides, Internet access allows us to communicate at an unprecedented speed. We can send emails and instant message through Internet when we need to come into contact with our families, colleagues and even strangers, which makes correspondence much faster than before. We are able to communicate and share information with strangers without traveling long distance.

In summary, we did not predict that Internet plays such an important role in our life now, so is wise to say that the government should support scientific research that does not have any practical use in the short term

happyself · 发表于 2013-12-15 02:27:52

At present, the debate on whether the government should support scientific research that does not have any practical use in the short term is very drastic. Some people argue that it is not wise to spend money on developing technologies that have no considerable use right now while others maintain that the government should support scientific research which have practical use in the long term. (这个在逻辑上不存在对立,不支持无用的,和支持有用的本来就不矛盾.只有支持无用和不支持无用才有矛盾.我觉得这句话应该这么写: While some people argue that it is not wise to waste money on developing technologies without any considerable use in the short run, others maintain that the government should have a long term perspective and continue to support those that will benefit the society in the long run regardless of its present benefit status). I think the latter ones(我看过你这个模板，另外一个小伙伴都给你指出来了你这个模板错了，那就换一句吧，别用成习惯了） may get the point. 　（ I cannot agree more with the latter point of view.)

Admittedly, the merits of investing scientific research that have(has语法错误要完全避免） short term（short-term定语是一个词） utilities are very obvious in our life . One of which（如果是which, 显然是个从句，which不能出现在独立的句子里，要么你把前面的句号改称逗号，要么不要用从句，直接说the merits) is that it is well known that we live in a world that involves complex problems(这句话真的太不乐观。你套了三四个从句呢。只能拆开。直接从 it is obvious that we live ...开始就好了） , so（用therefore比较书面） a larger investment on a useful research associates with the greater likelihood of social improvement.（举例的时候要指明，提示人家你举例了，当然你也可不指明，因为那样比较俗，很八股文，但是不能这么写，作为读者我没有expect到你这句话和上文的关系，　我ｓｕｇｇｅｓｔ一句，但是不一定好，可以写，a very recent example would be the investment on cultivating super corns by the American government, because of which the production of corns has been increased and the problem of starvation has been relieved..... ） The American government invest（ed or has invested) huge amounts of money on cultivating super corns(,非限定从，要逗号) which effectively increase（s, which指代整个事情，所以谓语用单数） the production of corns and relieve the problem of hungry(starvation hungry是adj.).

However, it is logical to support scientific research that don't(谓语单复数又错了了，建议用介词without,ｌｚ的从句太多了） have practical use now, for（for是口语表达，因果关系还是用because, since, due to...) they may be extremely useful in the future. Take the discovery(invention /development 逻辑比较行得通） of Internet for example. Internet contributes a lot to the efficiency of information acquisition and interpersonal communication. Firstly, the access of Internet can largely shorten the distance between information and us. If we want to search information, we don't have to go to the libraries to go through piles of books but only have to click on the computer mouse to get access to anything we want to know in the fields of science, literature, history and current events and so forth. Besides, Internet access allows us to communicate at an unprecedented speed. We can send emails and instant message through Internet when we need to come into contact with our families, colleagues and even strangers, which makes correspondence much faster( and easier) than before. We are able to communicate and share information with strangers without traveling long distance( with the help of the Internet). (reason只有两点，太少了，写个三四点是基本吧，这样那些step的关键词才能表现出来。）

In summary, we did not predict that Internet plays such an important role in our life now, （这句话是对上一段的总结，不能和全文总结放在一段，而且in summary也不宜放在小一个例子的结论之前，会让人凌乱）so is wise to say that the government should support scientific research that does not have any practical use in the short term （so作为全文关键结论的转呈还是太弱了，可以用hence什么的。另外全文结论太坑了就这么一句，应该写点reasoning,草率的结尾容易让人觉得是敷衍了事）

作点总结：1。语法错误还是比较多； 2。例子太少；3。从句套用欠妥；4。逻辑关系比较简单；5。可以多看看别人的范文。要在逻辑关系上多下点功夫。在你的让步转折结构里还可以加上递进转折的小结构。这样你就多了很多东西可以写。文章就不会比较浅显。不够wise。

一家之言，总之希望lz考试成功。如果你还要放文章上来，希望能看到改进哦~

新人求批改啊~~~

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

正在浏览此版块的会员 ()

浏览过的版块