Town of Leeville VS. Town of Masonton
(30 min 33 second, 411 words)
(自己修改后：432 words)
Workers in the small town of Leeville take fewer sick days than workers in the large city of Masonton, 50 miles away. Moreover, relative to population size, the diagnosis of stress-related illness is proportionally much lower in Leeville than in Masonton. According to the Leeville Chamber of Commerce, these facts can be attributed to the health benefits of the relatively relaxed pace of life in Leeville.
Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.
In this argument, the author comes to the conclusion that the town of Leeville has better health benefits and more relaxed pace of life than the city of Masonton. To justify his/her conclusion, the author provides two facts to support it: (1) workers in Leeville take fewer sick days than workers in Masonton; (2) the ratio of stress-related illness is proportionally much lower in Leeville than in Masonton. Close scrutiny of each of these facts, however, I found that there are many alternative explanations，argu中用被动句式比较好，不要用I for them, which damage the credibility of the author’s conclusion.
First of all, the author explains the first fact that geographic environment is the reason 这不是题目的本意，是你自己的概括，概括不准就失去了本意why workers has better health benefits in Leeville than in Masonton; Leeville is a small town, whereas Masonton is a big city. This fact also reveals the author’s assumption that workers who take sick days must be sick. However, this is not true. In fact, workers might take sick days for some other reasons. Perhaps they need to visit their friends, or perhaps they simply don’t want to work that much. It is even possible that the companies in the town of Leeville have stricter rules or policies that workers have more difficulties to take sick days than workers who work in the city of Masonton. Because of these alternative explanations, the author’s explanation is skeptical, and it is reasonable to show that this fact is not related to geographic difference.
Another fact the author provides suggests the ratio of stress-related illness between Leeville and Masonton is related to the population size. However, I found it is not convincible enough. At first, the author assumes the population size of Leeville and Masonton is the same？？. The author fails to provide enough evidence to stand out this assumption, and because of this, the explanation that this ratio is related to the population size is undermined. In addition, this fact can be explained by different kinds of causes of stress-related illness. For example, people are stressful because of their family matters这里最好具体说下家庭因素咋造成的; the level of consciousness of providing necessary medical services to cure stress-related illness in these areas is different, etc. Because of these reasons, the author’s explanation is weakened and I cannot accept it.
In conclusion, the author fails to provide enough explanations to support his facts in the argument. The author shall explain the facts from different perspectives; it may be necessary to provide more information for the explanations I suggested above and that may make a huge difference. Without doing this, the author’s argument will not be credible enough for people to follow.
只写了两点，是不是不太充分。 |
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发表于 2012-12-29 21:06:55
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