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[issue] ISSUE求拍 狠狠的拍

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楼主
发表于 2012-9-24 20:42:42 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式
提纲:
        题目中的建议是可行的,但是我们应该出台相应的政策去确保这个建议能公平的实施
在政府财政的允许下,这个可以保证每个学生有公平的机会接受教育,在社会上,很多努力,认真,有才能的学生因为负担不起学费而辍学
   但是,这样会增加政府的负担,政府要在每年的预算中拿出很大一部分去实施这个政策。而且怎样甄别穷困的学生这的一个难题,而且也是一笔很大的开销。这也会会滋生很多其他的问题,比如贿赂,欺骗
   政府应该拿出一部分资金来资助那些明显贫困地区的学生,而慈善机构或者个人公司 社会团体也应该加入其中。

内容
        Itmay be practicable to offer free education one day. Getting education is innateright for everyone in the world. Whereas there are some children, who earnest, industrious,intelligent, but cannot attain high education just because they are in a poorfamily so that they can`t afford the expenditure to enter university. It is unfair.
        Alsothe all free education care about the poverty of the government. That is a bulkypay expenses for government to sustain the policy. And how do the government distinguishthe children who need free education and who not from so many students. It willtake a good deal of time and money to do this job. Then probably some studentswho can afford the tuition make some fake information in order to get free. Henceanother children who maybe need the money more than others cannot get the fund.Next It is easy to derive some side effect such as corruption. Nevertheless, weare not willing to let it happen, it repeated the performance at one time, therewere so many cases about it. So there are three questions sometimes willprevent the policy: Whether the government possesses enough fund to put it intoeffect? How can assure the policy will give a hand to them who really need help?How do government avoid the side-effect.
        Althoughit existed about the stumps above all, the free education should go on.Government can subsidize the students who are in the indigent areas. I believethat government ought to undertake. It can help government do their best tooffer education for the students who are true poor. Then, others students are alsonot capable to afford the tuition in many other parts. Perhaps thecharity, social community and individual can help them. And they aresuitable to differentiate the really indigent students. As we known, thecharity, social community and individual can play a great role in socialprogress besides in educational filed. They always do some government`sinability to do. They are willing to share responsibility for government to offera free university education to any student who has been admitted to auniversity but who cannot afford the tuition. How can we forget the banks? Banksshould provide a loan for students with low interest or no interest. And bankscan make credit records in terms of the situation of students` repayment. Thismeasure will encourage students study more diligent in university and with littlewaste of fund.
        Freeeducation should all of us join in not just government. The power the generalpublic is overpowering. We can start a variety of subject to facilitate the educationfor more people, for example, a one-for-one project-one family help anotherfamily, or several-for-one like that.

麻烦各位了。。指出不足,,顺便给个分数。。先谢谢了!!!!
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沙发
发表于 2012-9-25 09:27:23 | 只看该作者
语法要再看看。单复数和一些动词的用法不是很恰当。

开头Whereas there are some children, who earnest, industrious,intelligent, but cannot attain high education just because they are in a poorfamily so that they can`t afford the expenditure to enter university。这句要改改。 可以分成两个句子。

建议把所有的children改成students。

然后你的观点既然是同意免费的教育,又提出要甄选适合学生。让穷学生免费,富学生就不用免费了。 这个好像不是很符合免费教育的初衷。
如果是这样,可以说免费的教育是可行的,但是是循序渐进的。 首要帮助的穷学生,真的付不起学费的。 再政府资金容许的条件下可以达到全民免费上学的理想。
文中提到政府要建立相应的政策去实现免费教育。 可以再讲一下政府可以从哪些渠道获取给教育的支出。

观点业余。希望楼主加油
板凳
发表于 2012-9-25 09:28:40 | 只看该作者
作者除了批评,还给出了solution,这个很好。

段落结构可以调整调整,要有很明显的递进和节奏感。
地板
 楼主| 发表于 2012-9-25 21:08:54 | 只看该作者
嗯  谢谢 你的点评  我又有了一些想法  会继续改进的  谢谢
5#
 楼主| 发表于 2012-9-25 21:10:19 | 只看该作者
我始终把握不好段落结构   不知 如何 表现出节奏感  求指教

谢谢你的点评
6#
发表于 2012-9-25 22:17:13 | 只看该作者
who earnest, industrious,intelligent感觉没有谓语部分。
but cannot attain high education just because they are in a poorfamily so that they can`t afford the expenditure to enter university,这句表达有很重的中文烙印,你先用because解释前面的一句又得到so that后面的结论,我建议你把so that那里改成一个定语比较好。
你的表达略显生硬和不地道,需要好好改进1.Alsothe all free education care about the poverty of the government???2.how do the government distinguishthe children who need free education and who not from so many students这个句子应当是个一般疑问句。
LZ还需要加强的是组织句子的时候,观点不要碎片化,一段中最好只表达一个意思,然后集中论述,比如你的第二段的二三句话,本来是两个小观点的,第一个小观点你并没有做更充分的论述
7#
 楼主| 发表于 2012-9-26 19:27:26 | 只看该作者
听你这么一说  好像是这样的啊  谢谢啦
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