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我最近才开始的写作，正好学校有外教，就拿来给他改改了~
他每次看我的作文，都会说be specific, be clear, 也就是观点要明确，evidence也要明确，有力， 以及句子表达要清楚。
先发第一次写的文章~以后有文章的话，会继续上传，希望能够启迪和我一样水平的人。
这篇文章的语言很简单，我都是用的自己会的句子和单词来阐述的。
黄色的地方是他改动的，括号内的是我以前的。
I agree with the argument that all the countries should cooperate with each other to protect the world’s energy resources for our future generations. While individual nations are, at times,（professor 添加的）willing to make sacrifices to conserve energy, it seems likely that individual nations will use resources（我本来用的act selfishly,但professor说specific）selfishly.
professor 说开始就阐述观点，很明确。
The main reason why an international effort is necessary is that individual nations will use resources according to their short-term motives and self-interests. These developed countries are willing to sacrifice their benefits to conserve energy. Industrialized nations usually maximize their economic profits by overconsuming(我用的consume too many)energy resources. Industrialized nations’ excessive consumption of energy resources has threatened chances for (professor 添加的)the balanced worldwide development. These nations import many energy resources from developing countries. This often leads toa shortage of resources in those developing countries. professor 很喜欢“blablalbla. This ofen leads to...”这样的格式，我问他用“blablabla, leading to ...”好不好，他说也行，但这里前者更好。 我的-ing的形式的句子，都被他改成了this often leads to ...
International leadership and worldwide cooperation can help promote the communication and cooperation regarding the use of(我用的 of )advanced technology to protect the world’s energy resources. Developing countries’ technology is too under-developed to conserve energy resources. Hence(他添加的)many energy resources in developing countries have been wasted. Efforts to conserve energy resources in these countries are ineffective and expensive. (不要the)Developed countries will give these countries opportunities to shareadvanced technology（offer these countries high technique instruments）to solve problems related to energy consumption. Furthermore, worldwide cooperation will encourage different countries to share scientific findings(outcomes)and promote in-depth investigation.(我用了investigation and research, 他让我选一个就行)
In addition, international leadership and worldwide cooperation may lead to solution for(are useful to solve)problems induced by uneven distribution of energy resources. Uneven distribution of energy resources hasled to (have contributed to )wars and endangered the stability of(the peace of )the world. Many would argue that(这是添加的，他说这样 more clear,因为有人同意这样的说法，也有人反对，所以用many would argue)the United States attacked Iraq
to acquire access to a large amount of（earn an amout of）oil. Cooperation can prevent war and maximize the well-being of (不要the)society.(maximize public's benefits) Through cooperation, more energy will be distributed（我用的transmitted）to resource-poor areas. This will promote economic development and social stability. Countries that are rich in energy resources will benefit from social stability.
In sum, individual nations act in their own self-interest and with short-term motives. So, it is important for the world to communicate and cooperate to protect the world’s energy resources for future generations.
1. professor 说开头可以重复阐述argument的内容，结尾可以总结自己文章的各段的中性点，当然也可在开头提到。中心点只需要在开头或结尾其中一处提到就行了，不用重复。
2. 用不同的词去阐述同一个意思，例如nation 和country
3. 每段开头本来写了 in the first part, finally 之类的词，结果被他删了。 |
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发表于 2011-5-24 21:02:42
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