AA044作文练的第一篇作文不知效果如何麻烦好心人指点一二~

风摆依依 · 发表于 2011-2-10 12:52:17

The following is part of a business plan created by the management of the Megamart grocery store:
“Our total sales have increased this year by 20 percent since we added a pharmacy section to our grocery store. Clearly, the customer’s main concern is the convenience afforded by one-stop shopping. The surest way to increase our profits over the next couple of years, therefore, is to add a clothing department along with an automotive supplies and repair shop. We should also plan to continue adding new departments and services, such as a restaurant and a garden shop, in subsequent years. Being the only store in the area that offers such a range of services will give us a competitive advantage over other local stores.”
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The conclusion endoresed in the argument isthat add new departments and services in subsequentyears would helps Megamart grocery store to be the only store in the area thatoffers such a range of services and have a competitive advantage over otherlocal stores. To support this argument, the author cites that total sales of Megamartgrocery store have increased this year by 20 percent since we added a pharmacysection to our grocery store. The conclusion is based on the bias assumpetionthat the customer’s main concern is the convenience afforded by one-stopshopping.

In the first place, the assumpetion of increase in total sales isbased on addition of the pharmacy section togrocery store is dubious. Becase the onlyevidence offered to suppor this conclusion is the fact that the addition of thepharmacy preceded the increase in sales. If it turns out that increase in total sales is determined by a combinationof factors, some of which will remain unchanged in the future, such as widelyadvertisement and positive promotion in the lastyear. Only the addition of pharmacy section may have no impact on increasingsales.

In the second place, Megamart grocery storemay not have a competitive advantage over other local stores even if increasingsales is based on the addition of pharmacy section. The author commits a fallacyof false analogy in assuming that strategies drawn from the additions of pharmacysection are applicable in clothing department, restaurant and garden shop.However, the differences between these two clearly outweigh the similarities,thus making the analogy much less valid. for example, health levels and prevalentvinus both affect demand of medicine but virtually absent in clothingdepartment, restaurant and garden shop. Accordingly, addtitions of pharmacy section and additions of clothingdepartment, restaurant and garden shop are so dissimilar that the latter is unlikelyto experience the same consequence if it adopt the former’s strategies.

To conclude, the argument is not persuasiveas it stands. Accordingly, it is imprudent for the author to claim that additionsof new departments and services in subsequent years would helps Megamartgrocery store to be the only store in the area that offers such a range ofservices and have a competitive advantage over other local stores. To make thisargument logically acceptable, the author would have to show the linkagebetween increasing sales and addition of pharmacy section to grocery store. In addition,to solidify this conclusion, the author should provide evidence to demonstratethat there are no exceptional reasons for the pharmacy section is dissimilar tonew departments and services on operation, management and else necesseryfactors.

第一次写作文，特别忐忑，晚上做梦经常梦见开始考试发现作文一个词也打不出来。。。

麻烦好心人给指点一二呀。。。

rebeccablote · 发表于 2011-2-11 17:14:25

1）作者的观点是增开服务可以increase profit. 这个是重点，competitive edge is not the bottom line. 所以第一句话我会稍微改一下

2) To support this argument, the author cites that total sales of Megamartgrocery store have increased this year by 20 percent since we added a pharmacy section to our grocery store.
我会用第三人称而不是we和our：since the pharmacy section was added to the store.

3）第一个逻辑错误是作者犯了cause-effect的错误，不是assumption。因为20% increase in sales 和 add pharmacy section 先后发生不代表之间有因果关系。分析的思路没错，但是我会用更直接的短句清晰表达意思。There are many reasons can attribute to the increase in sales. The store may have distributed coupons to help with the sales. The management may have incorporated new pay structure to the store staff to encourage them be more communicative with the shoppers which lead to the increase in purchasing. Without analyze all the other possibilities it's hard to link the pharmacy section addition to the increase in sales.

--

Looks like you are on the right track an you have a lot to write about. Good luck! 再多些几篇就会很有感觉了。AA不难的。
我坐飞机的时候一口气写了10篇，之后就都只是看范文了。没想到居然写出个6分！其实6分不是很难达到的标准。加油加油！

风摆依依 · 发表于 2011-2-11 19:47:59

1）作者的观点是增开服务可以increase profit. 这个是重点，competitive edge is not the bottom line. 所以第一句话我会稍微改一下

2) To support this argument, the author cites that total sales of Megamartgrocery store have increased this year by 20 percent since we added a pharmacy section to our grocery store.
我会用第三人称而不是we和our：since the pharmacy section was added to the store.

3）第一个逻辑错误是作者犯了cause-effect的错误，不是assumption。因为20% increase in sales 和 add pharmacy section 先后发生不代表之间有因果关系。分析的思路没错，但是我会用更直接的短句清晰表达意思。There are many reasons can attribute to the increase in sales. The store may have distributed coupons to help with the sales. The management may have incorporated new pay structure to the store staff to encourage them be more communicative with the shoppers which lead to the increase in purchasing. Without analyze all the other possibilities it's hard to link the pharmacy section addition to the increase in sales.

--

Looks like you are on the right track an you have a lot to write about. Good luck! 再多些几篇就会很有感觉了。AA不难的。
我坐飞机的时候一口气写了10篇，之后就都只是看范文了。没想到居然写出个6分！其实6分不是很难达到的标准。加油加油！

-- by 会员 rebeccablote (2011/2/11 17:14:25)

真的很受用，第一次写只是以为的想要往模板上套，忽略了很多本质的东西，多谢指点呀~~

AA044作文练的第一篇作文不知效果如何麻烦好心人指点一二~

真的是很受用

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AA044作文 练的第一篇作文 不知效果如何 麻烦好心人指点一二~

真的是很受用

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AA044作文练的第一篇作文不知效果如何麻烦好心人指点一二~