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Bricks are coming and don't cry. Your essay is "Dull"- dry and boring. My Essay book said "Details, Details, Details" and "Concise"
For example, paragraphy 2.
However, things did not
always go smoothly. (cut -be concise) I {also} met a lot of challenges both inside and outside
of team during my lead. For instance, {Why not give a specific time such as what years}3 management {management or sale?}trainees were all
fresh graduate {just out of colleges without any previous experience in sale} {from what kind of diverse backgrounds?}. They were very active {what is "active" mean at here - smart, phyiscally, or sexually?}
and passionate, but with little sales experience.{they are trainees ; so cut} Although they could
learn from first hand experience while visiting customer, it took long
time. {cut, everyone knows that} HQ gave me only two months to build a solid team. How can I complete the
mission impossible? {Don't brag yourself - if you are so capable, why need MBA? } { You can say the HQ assigned these very challenging work to you because they believed that you could get job done.} Under this pressure, I believed that they needed
more training. {cut}
Then I came out an idea {I decided to use unconventional approach}: every {evening} on Monday, Wednesday, and
Friday evening, I bought a free dinner for 3 new staffs {Do you really believe this is a professional should be? What happens in the daytime? Are you going to CD during work? If not, tell us what you did in the daytime.}. During the
dinner time, I trained them how to be a professional salesperson, how
to dress decently, how to speak politely, how to negotiate with
customer, and how to be humorous in the business conversation etc {more details}; I
coached them just like father and baby
{Do you really believe this is a professional should be?}, because I talked a lot but they
kept quiet {they didn't like your leader skill?}; after 2 months training and on-job experience, our
relationship became brother and sister {Do you really believe this is a professional should be?}. They grew up and could handle
sales issue independently {Inconsistent, you only told us how you taught them sth, but how they could be independent without practice by their own, so tell us more}. Each of them could handle 5-6 key account
customers {Tell us more, are they all same or different? If different, how you approach different people?}. Moreover, when our business just started there, we have a
lot issues to handle {What kinds of issues?}. I used my pocket money to buy 3 organizer books
to distribute to my team {Do you really believe this is a professional should be?}. I coached {why not use the word "share"} them time management by noting down
the top 5 tasks that must be done in that day. I have learned from this
hand-on lesson that {why not tell us what were your changes in the middle of paragraph- Frankly, I did feel your changes until I saw this sentence} , as a leader {leader and learship is different- you just a normal guy who trained a few kids, you are not a leader, although you showed your leadership.}, you must know how to share your
experience, and knowledge among team, and how to grow a team just as
how a planter grows a tree {know the team member}. |
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楼主
发表于 2007-11-15 10:43:00
