[求助]ai 75. 恳请大家不遗余力的批判吧！

还是没太找到写GMAT文章的感觉。而且觉得这篇文章挺难。写出来请大家提意见！

看贴的人务必请回帖给点意见，这对我来说会受益匪浅！先谢谢大家了！！！鞠躬！

75 The essential forces for human-being are self-interest and fear.

Are there only two important forces, self-interest and fear, exist in the
world? While it is undeniable that self-interest and fear are important
motivations originated from human nature, it does not mean that there are only
these two motivations of human activity. Altruism is an alternative.

I admit that people do most of things in the hope of fulfill one's
self-interest. According to Maslow's hierarchy-of-need theory, the definition
of self-interest is much broader than acquiring money and status: self-interest
incorporates the need to feed and cloth oneself, the requirement of safety and
satisfaction, and the desire to chase one's dream and realize one's value. We
can see that these needs constitute a large part of our hopes in the daily
behavior and thus, they are the basic instincts that encourage people to make
effort and satisfy these requirements.

However, sometimes people stop and wonder whether to go ahead in the way
of realizing self-interest; the reason of doing so can be attribute to fear: it
is the fear of being punished by parents that make children stop playing around
and go back reluctantly to school, it is the fear of being eliminated through
competition that motivate teenagers to abandon laziness and work hard, and it
is the fear of being arrested that drive entrepreneurs to cease making profits
illegally and conform to laws. To conclude, fear is the force other than
self-interest that encourage people to behave well and adjust their activities
towards the right direction.

Nevertheless, we should not ignore the force of altruism, which, in fact,
also exists in our everyday lives. We often hear about the news concerning
altruism, such as the story that certain people donate a large part of his
money to the poverty-striken area, or that someone try to save others but
sacrifice his own life. This kind of behavior cannot be explained by
self-interest and fear: only when people get rid of self-interest and fear do
they have the courage to do good deed to others despite their own safety or
benefits.

In sum, although I concede that self-interest and fear are two incentives
of human behavior, it is too arbitrary to conclude there are only these two
incentives on grounds that altruism is another choice.

我的感觉是，

1：你写作的时候用词略微有点捉襟见肘

2：你的中心论点是altruism是一个重要的motivation，但是你2/3的篇幅在论证self-i和fear是motivation，这样一来，似乎你的中心论点是三个motivation都很重要，而并没有突出你要表达的那一个