iBT@CD 第二写作小组(10月), 也开始集训了

谢谢小弟。

这两天我在忙着搬家。下周一定抽空将这篇作文在改一改。

真的好感激。送点小礼物给你。

以下是引用德克的猪在2007-6-28 15:20:00的发言：

A square mile of shopping center(这里表达不清楚,最好就改为a shopping center)  (A square mile of 是说 shopping center 有多大，我想不用该）has been planning(planned,被动）（这里用has been being planned 是不是更好点？） to be built in Walling Ford, my neighborhood. On that account, some my neighbors are grateful with this news and the other residents are suffering this information(这里用一个it指代就可以了,用information反而显得不是太自然)( you are right ). So far, according to my analysis, I am look forward to building the enormous shopping center in my community. (我觉得这个开头太过于的平淡了,没有亮点.你可以参考我写的那个movie theater的开头来写这个)

 The essential reason I agree to build the new shopping center is (that)（Can I omit this that?) it enables (will enable residents in our neighborhood, enable是个vt,后面一定要接名词)( thanks . I learned how to use enable from you.) to resolve the local financial problems. Up to now, the governors of my location have been struggling to renovate those, library, elementary school, and nursing home, for seven years. As soon as the shopping center is completed, the number of the tax(tax skyrocket的意思是:政府向社会征收的税,统统都增高了,你的意思应该表达为:revenue<政府通过征税得到的钱> skyrocket)  must(must这里不可以这样用的,应该改为:will, indubitably, +动词.)
                ( right)
                （女儿闹了，带她玩儿回来再改）skyrocket.  The fee of the renovation about the library, elementary school, and nursing home just is(因为是还没有做的事情,所以要用将来时态) a piece of cake(我不建议用a piece of cake这样烂俗的话) for our government.

(这段的论述有个致命的缺陷:你只说了shopping center会增加税收,但没有说怎么增加,你应该添一句:Via selling miscellaneous kinds of goods to the residents around, the shopping center will, as no doubt, stimulate the consumption in our neighborhood and contribute to the local revenue which can be utilized to resolve some tough problems, say,….)

 Not only does(can) the future shopping center resolve the financial problems of my community, but also it makes our life more convenient than present. Right now I, constantly, (have to) drive 42 miles(最好把你需要用的时间也夸张的说出来,这样表明没有shopping center,生活很不方便) to the Sam’s Club and Walmart to buy staff(stuff) for daily eating and using(这里直接说to buy everyday necessities). Unquestionably, after the shopping center is done in a few shopping stores and over 100,000 populations area(这里的表意又不清楚了,应该改为in an area with a population over 100000 and no<这里最好用这个no> shopping centers), the varieties of business will rush into the center without hesitation(这个句子的表达,我觉得不是太好). Then we just need one stop and take less than 3 minuses to the center to purchase what we prefer buying(what we want to buy). Thus. by building a large shopping center, many of people include(including) me are able to enjoy the convenience of shopping.

(论述依然有问题:你必须说明,因为shopping center很近,而且物美价廉,这样节省了我们的时间和金钱,所以修个shopping center很好.)

 In conclusion, a large shopping center will delight us with resolving of financial problems and the convenience of life. Though we know that the area will be a little noisier than before, I think it is worthwhile after thinking of the promising(这个词用得太大了) future. I welcome the new shopping center and hope Walling Ford becomes better off.

(Lisa姐,你这篇文章写得不怎么好哟.很多表达都不是很到位,有可能会给人家造成理解上的困难的哟)