TPO综合写作24 求各位大牛狠狠狠狠拍~叩谢！

584257720

求各位大牛狠狠狠狠地拍~初学者~叩谢啦！
The author of the reading material is mainly discussing some hypothesis that is responsible for the decline of the yellow cedar which occurs more than a century. In the author's viewpoint, beetles, brown bears and climate change are three plausible causes of this constant decline, however, the lecturer apparently refutes the point illustrated in the reading material by challenging the three evidence put forward in the reading one by one.
First of all, the reading contends that insect parasites contribute to the decline of yellow cedar. Although the reading materials explains that according to the traditional belief and records, beetles are likely to eat trees, the lecturer, in his counterargument, points out that the yellow cedar has exceptional ability than other plants of resisting the insects' attract. The lecturer further elucidates that the poisonous chemicals produced by the barks and leaves of yellow cedar are protecting the healthy trees from being attracted and those dead yellow cedars have been already dead before beetles inject them. In this way, the lecturer disagrees with the author's view that beetle serves as one candidate for the decline.
Second, the lecturer casts doubt on the point of the reading that brown bears are attributable to the decline since the author mentioned that the sugar-contented barks lure the brown bears to eat yellow cedar. The lecturer agrees that brown bears are, to some degree, candidates for the decline of the trees, but not major causes since the patter of decline happens in both mainland and island where there are no bears in islands. Under such circumstance, with or without any bears are not directly relevant to the decline of trees. By saying this, the lecturer disproves what is stated as a cause in the reading.

Finally, the lecturer raises question towards the third hypothesis that climate should be responsible for the decline of trees. In the author's logic deduction, it is the unusual season and temperature that has changed the growing time of trees' root system and that change again jeopardizes the health of trees. On the contrary, the lecturer expounds that if it is the climate change that causes the decline, there will be more trees in the low elevation where the climate is much warmer. However, the real observation reveals that more trees live in the cold areas and that contradicts to the expectation based on the author's view. Therefore, the lecturer undermines the strength of the author by bring a conflict into the alleged hypothesis and fact.
In a nutshell, the lecturer discredits the viewpoint of the reading and restates that beetles, brown bears as well as climates are partly explanatory for the decline, but not an overall one.

584257720

不好意思 是综合写作23打错了 请大家帮帮忙~就要考试了，可是作文一点都上不去~求各位大神了

晨依Jacqueline

要参加写作小分队和大家一起分组互改哦！

晨依Jacqueline

本人非NN，第一次批改这么长的综合……

咦？这不是24吧？我肿么记得24是讲的恐龙的那个呢……

不管了，先睹为快！

红色为错误，蓝色为疑惑建议，高亮为精彩！



The author of the reading material is mainly discussing some hypothesis that is(are)responsible for the decline of the yellow cedar which occurs more than a century. In the author's viewpoint, beetles, brown bears and climate change are three plausible causes of this constant decline, however(.However), the lecturer apparently refutes the point illustrated in the reading material by challenging the three evidence put forward in the reading one by one.


First of all, the reading contends that insect parasites contribute to the decline of yellow cedar. Although the reading materials explains that according to the traditional belief and records, beetles are likely to eat trees, the(. The) lecturer, in his counterargument, points out that the yellow cedar has exceptional ability than other plants of resisting the insects' attract. The lecturer further elucidates that the poisonous chemicals produced by the barks and leaves of yellow cedar are protecting the healthy trees from being attracted and those dead yellow cedars have been already dead before beetles inject(ed)them. In this way, the lecturer disagrees with the author's view that beetle serves as one candidate for the decline.


Second, the lecturer casts doubt on the point of the reading that brown bears are attributable to the decline since the author mentioned that the sugar-contented barks lure the brown bears to eat yellow cedar. The lecturer agrees that brown bears are, to some degree, candidates for the decline of the trees, but not major causes since the patter(?)of decline happens in both mainland and island where there are no bears in islands(这里看不大明白了，怎么又一个island呢).Under such circumstance, with or without any bears are not directly relevant to the decline of trees. By saying this, the lecturer disproves what is stated as a cause in the reading.

Finally, the lecturer raises question towards the third hypothesis that climate should be responsible for the decline of trees. In the author's logic deduction, it is the unusual season and temperature that has changed the growing time of trees' root system and that change again jeopardizes the health of trees. On the contrary, the lecturer expounds that if it is the climate change that causes the decline, there will be more trees in the low elevation where the climate is much warmer. However, the real observation reveals that more trees live in the cold areas and that contradicts to the expectation based on the author's view. Therefore, the lecturer undermines the strength of the author by bring a conflict into the alleged hypothesis and fact.


In a nutshell, the lecturer discredits the viewpoint of the reading and restates that beetles, brown bears as well as climates are partly explanatory for the decline, but not an overall one.



以下是个人点评，批判地看吧、

1 首先我很敬佩你能写出这么多字来，我30min在实际考试的时候独立都打不完这些字，综合更不用说了。不过我想说的是其实综合写作不需要写这么多字的，在OG上写得很明确吧，150-225字就够了，当然写得字数多也没有什么不好，据我所知有些牛牛是可以在20min里打出300+的精彩文章的，但是你这篇我目测有450w了吧？综合写作的主要目的是要summarize，写得过多了反而让评分员觉得你的总结归纳能力有限。所以我建议稍微压缩一下。

2 开头，语言很优美，讲的内容也很全面很详细了，但是个人感觉有点多。第一段不用太展开，毕竟不是特别重要。最后的总结写得很不错，赞一个！

3 整体结构已经很好了，文章内容部分也没有什么错。我觉得听力部分的细节可以再加强一下，可以压缩压缩阅读部分的篇幅。主要是语言上真的很有文采，但是完全没有必要写这么多，可以把你的文采留在独立部分展现哇！

584257720

谢谢晨依了~已经加入小分队了，希望在两周里有所进步，求监督！

晨依Jacqueline

谢谢晨依了~已经加入小分队了，希望在两周里有所进步，求监督！-- by 会员 584257720 (2012/5/13 18:21:16)

加油加油！真的写的很不错~我好多词都不认识，学习了！

Crystaljoy

啊~这篇语言好强大啊