[求助]再发拙作,请评!

xygyb

topic:agree or disagree: young people enjoy life more

once I had an experience in a design project with some people age from 20 to 50.the cooperation among us went smoothly: some people,mostly in the age of 40 or higher, took the responsibility of supervising the flowing of the whole project such finicial issue and people assignment,and young people did most concrete work with great vigor and passion.throught that project , i got an insight of the different attitude about life between youngs and olders.from my perspective,young people do have more enjoyment about life.

the first reason to support my idea is that young people always hold the curosity to any new things such as fashion clothes, traveling and food. it is always appeal to young people to dicover their life. for exmaple, a young clerk focusing on his work in a office may always want to travel various places to have fun because he has never been there,and a wider social connection such as the on-line dating with foreigner and participating in a private auto club seems more attrative to young people in my country.in  contrast, middle age people who also facing a boring daily life may feel tired of doing those things, take my father as a example, he just sits in front the tv set for the whole evening time since he said he has no interests to do anything else.

furthermore , most young people have a better body condition compared with olders,it enables youngs to entertain themselves without too much worry about disease and injury.soccer game is a good example.from the view of the players, it is the golden age from 20 to 30  to be involved in a soccer competition,gaining a multitude of honors and achievements.but coming to the age of 40 or higher, injury and energy problem may be the vital factor for an execellent player to drop the career, it is next to impossible for one over 40 to compete with people who are 20 years younger.

all in all, i could draw my conclusion that full of curosity to life and a better physical condition play a key role for young people to gain the happiness from their lives more.
 

alexwithibt

第一段的例子写的不好. 有些画蛇添足. 要么你给一个更好的例子. 要么就中规中句的引出你的观点.

建议重写一下第一段.

once I had an experience in a design project with some people age from 20 to 50.the cooperation among us went smoothly: some people, mostly in the age of 40 or higher, took the responsibility of supervising the flowing of the whole project such finicial issue and people assignment, and young people did most concrete work with great vigor and passion. throught that project, i got an insight of the different attitude about life between youngs and olders. from my perspective, young people do have more enjoyment about life.

 

(An interesting phenomenon invariably occurs in my company that every weekend young adults more likely tend to organize outdoor activities of all sorts such as hiking, swimming, and touring as ways of relieving touch pressure. On the other hand, old employee are lethargically constrained at home and bored for tackling household matters. After contemplating, I, fairly reasonably, believe that following reasons prompt young adults to more enjoy life than old people.)

xygyb

谢谢修改~~