[求助]第一次发作文。。。惶恐惶恐。。。

GenieWoo

看了德克的猪的一篇范文，还有些别人的范文，磨了快两个小时。。。

请求批评。第一次抛掉模板，有些不顺手。动作比较蜗牛。。。。

Topic: It has recently been announced that a large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

 

 

 

As a young girl like many others with a shared enthusiastic of chasing beauty and fashion, I spend much of my spare time to shopping, from which I obtain myriads of fun and benefits. Satisfying me so much, it appears a fabulous idea to build a large shopping center in my neighborhood. My life, in this case, can be added with more colors, and meanwhile, our community can also make a big progress under the assistant of its positive effects.

 

 

 

Despite of a great many shopping centers in my city, nonetheless, it is no one that is setting in my neighborhood. To me, it is an utter misfortune that I cannot help but take bus for all but two hours to get the nearest shopping mall. Sometimes the time wasted on bus is far more than the time consumed in shopping center when I meet a terrible traffic jam. A shopping center, however, can be built in our community, we, a group of youth, can rush into the centers and purchase goods crazily at any time if we want. In addition, most girls prefer shopping with several good friends, the new-building shopping center, in my perspective, will provide more opportunities for girls to promote their friendship.

 

 

 

Competition which causes a multitudes of stress to people, have became the main subject of current society. Under this circumstance, in order to avoid psychological problems, people are seeking for ways to relax. Being a good manner to release pressure, shopping undoubtedly brings us with enormous pleasure and joy, especially for women, who undergo the obligation from both of occupation and family. For example, if I found there are some new suits and pairs of shoes in my mother’s clothespress, I could firmly draw a conclusion that she was suffering from some difficulties in jobs, because my mother used to discard her bothersome problems via shopping. Hence, with a tangible merit coming in dwellers’ way, it is much more convenient for people to reduce the weight from their souls and spirits.

 

 

 

Furthermore, unemployment is to some degree serious in my neighborhood. Those who are out of work for a long time can acquire a new choice offered by the new shopping center. Many occupations, like accountant, shop-assistant and manager, all need numbers of proper labors to match. And also, some attached businesses, like fast food restaurant, candy shop and cinema require many human resources to operate as well.

 

 

 

However, a little quantities of troubles may come along, such as, busy traffic, crowded people and security problem to community residents. Comparing with those obvious advantages I concerned above, these shortcomings seem to be quite insufficient. In a word, I support to build a shopping center in my neighborhood unshakably owing to the substantial benefits to either individuals or our community as a whole.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-6-11 18:02:38编辑过]

GenieWoo

这里怎么都没人来了。。。是不是不该发在写作区，应该直接发在ibt里。

德克的猪

如果直接放到iBT区里

一是没有人给你改

二上马上就被无数的帖子淹没

GenieWoo

终于有人回了。。。德克快给我些批评和指点。

德克的猪

我现在在给lixiaosr改

等会改你的

GenieWoo

好的~练会儿听力去。

德克的猪

As a young girl like many others with a shared enthusiastic of chasing beauty and fashion, I spend much of my spare time to (do) shopping, from which I obtain myriads of fun and benefits. Satisfying me so much, it appears a fabulous idea to build a large shopping center in my neighborhood. My life, in this case, can be added with more colors, and meanwhile, our community can also make a big progress under the assistant(这里可以说via the help) of its positive effects.

 

Despite of a great many shopping centers in my city, nonetheless, it(应该是there) is no one that is(is不要) setting in my neighborhood. To me, it is an utter misfortune that I cannot help but (to) take bus for all but two hours to get the nearest shopping mall. Sometimes the time wasted on bus is far more than the time consumed in (the) shopping center when I meet(换成am caught in) a terrible traffic jam. A shopping center, however, can be built in our community, we, a group of youth, can rush into the centers and purchase goods crazily at any time if we want (to). In addition, most girls prefer shopping with several good friends, the new-building(will-be-built) shopping center, in(from) my perspective, will provide more opportunities for girls to promote their friendship.

 

Competition which causes a multitudes of stress to people, have became the main subject of current society(第一句来的太陡峭,很不自然哟). Under this circumstance, in order to avoid psychological problems(exhaustion), people are seeking for ways to relax. Being a good manner(method更好吧) to release pressure, shopping undoubtedly brings us with enormous pleasure and joy, especially for women, who undergo the obligation from both of(of可以不要) occasion and family. For example, if I found there are some new suits and pairs of shoes in my mother’s clothespress, I could firmly draw a conclusion that she was suffering from some difficulties in jobs, because my mother used to discard her bothersome problems via shopping. Hence, with a tangible merit coming in dwellers’ way, it is much more convenient for people to reduce the weight from their souls and spirits(这个层次太高了).

 

Furthermore, unemployment is to some degree serious in my neighborhood. Those who are out of work for a long time can acquire a new choice offered by the new shopping center. Many occasions, like accountant, shop-assistant and manager, all need numbers of proper labors to match. And also, some attached businesses, like fast food restaurant, candy shop and cinema require many human resources to operate as well.

 

However, a little quantities of troubles may come along, such as, busy traffic, crowded people and security problem to community residents. Comparing with those obvious advantages I concerned above, these shortcomings seem to be quite insufficient. In a word, I support to build a shopping center in my neighborhood unshakably owing to the substantial benefits to either individuals or our community as a whole.

 

没有什么好改动的.毕竟是花了两个小时写的.

首先,字数多了.我估计你在30分钟内是不可能写出有质量的500词来的.所以的推荐你写330-400词之间的文章.

然后,你没有用模版,但是还是有模版思维.你论述了3个优点,其实,两个论述详细的就可以了.最后的一段很好,体现出了:critical thinking.没有意味的夸奖,适当的提出了一些问题,然后再通过比较说明缺点比起优点来是微不足道的.以后写作最好都有这样的一段.

语言还是不错的,细节也比较好,当然,这是在2个小时的情况下完成的.你应该建立自己的一个词库,这样写作的时候才可以很快的反应出来.我个人估计,你在30分钟内写出来的语言可能是另外一回事,而且当然,考试的时候不可以用字典.

还有就是,这样的<建与不建>的题目是最好写的,以后遇到就按照我写的那个文章那样行文就可以了,不过开头段可以不那么写,因为那个开头难度比较大.

最后,选另外一个题目写,限时40分钟,写完了发上来.限时40分钟,给10分钟缓冲.

GenieWoo

好的~我缩短时间练习练习，建个词库~~~真是好建议。哈哈。

德克的猪

在eMule上面去下载一本Collins Cobuild的第五版

当作电子词典用

GenieWoo

我一直都是用金山的在线词典。。。