请各位高手帮忙修改文章

biyuntianzun

小弟考T新手，今日习得一作，请各位高手不吝赐教，帮忙斧正。

Topic: Some people believe that it is all right to do anything to accomplish that which has a good result. In other words, the end justifies the means. Do you agree or disagree with this? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

My composition:
     Does the end justify the means? That is an old argument. However, reconsidering the problem in this dynamic and digital era has profound meaning. Due to my own experience, I would rather prefer the end.
     Taking doing research into account, focusing on the end can urge one to do his/her best to give birth to outcome more quickly. If one researcher has explicit goal in study particular subject, he is apt to concentrate on the material relevant to the subject, ignoring many papers and textbooks, which seems like to have investigating value. Therefore, all what he have done will generate an accumulating effect and many of his ideas can turn into achievement. As a rule, dedication makes success.
     The second reason why I would give the end higher priority is the realistic need, as we live in a highly dynamic time. For one moment, if one promising commercial opportunity appears in front of you, but it requires much investment, do you choose to follow the traditional way to purchase it through gathering money from product gradually or take unusual action to catch hold of it. In this crucial time, if you can’t seize the opportunity, others will take the most of it. Maybe you can collect the money needed afterwards, but at that time, the opportunity will vanish permanently.
     Still, some other people will argue that when we do everything merely for the end, we will lost many chance to learn from the process. And next time, when we encounter the same problem, we will not know how to deal with it. But I firmly believe that with the development of computer technique and comprehensive application of Internet, the learning procedure will dramatically reduce, hence when we run into a new situation, we can manage to resolve it.
The end will stimulate us to achieve some goal quickly; the end will direct us to seize the opportunity strongly. All in all, I would say there is no denying that the end justifies the means.

biyuntianzun

    我个人觉得文章最大的问题是用了太多的“you” 跟 "us"，人家说高手写作，可以写得相当客观，基本不需要这些人称代词来表达见解，但我觉得想发表意见的时候，不由自主的就用上了，所以想请教大家，怎样才能避免。