Francis菜鸟作文贴 恳请狠批

laneesherry

其实就个人意见来说379字已经足够多了，托福作文是除非你的字只有200+太少影响内容，不然字多并不会有加分。这里之前上课的时候老师建议说独立写作最佳字数是350~380。

蓝色的部分是个人意见及建议
红色的部分是强烈建议修改的地方

Under the environment in which parentscares（parent cares) highly about educational quality, the topic of evaluating teachingperformance(teaching performance) has been causing more and more attention. While some people claimthat(claim that) the judgment should be given by teachers, I hold the opposite opinion thatit(that it) is students’ voices school should listen to.(这个地方同学是想要用强调句吗？中间忘记了“that”：It's students' voces that school should listen to.)(首段表明观点，非常简洁清晰。）

First to note is that, students are the subjectswho(subjects who) is taught, not teachers. （这里半句读起来有些偏口语化，建议用完整的表达。这个纯属个人意见，同学如果认为没问题的话可以无视。）So there is no doubt that the information ofteaching（of teaching） performance ought to be collected based on students’ feelings. Specifically,some relevant factors that are valuable to provide the scoring include theefficiency of classes, the degree of concentration in classes, and the grade ofactiveness（of activeness) when a discussion is required. Students who attended a class are awareof actual circumstances of all these three factors, and can make an accuratedescription according to their experiences. This is the guarantee to evaluate authenticallyon teacher’s working performance.(本段观点是学生是教学对象，所以他们更有资格去评论教师？建议进一步提炼一下主题句。另外就是建议加上例子，没有具体的例子作支撑，说理显得有些空洞无力）

What is more, considering students’ rights,pupils should definitely be involved in this evaluating activity. For thematter（the matter) that a school is belong to both students and teachers, when teachershave(teachers have) chances to decide the teaching method, students are supposed to judge theteaching(the teaching) performance. By offering valuable suggestion, students can improve thelessons’ quality and thus actually benefit from that progress. As a result, notonly students are more willing to study under teachers’ lead, but also parents disburdentheir mind of sending children to this kind of school, which keeps steppingforward by taking different advices.(本段主题句与上一段相比较为清晰，逻辑组织也比较到位。仍然建议加上具体例证。）

On the other hand, teachers can sometimes beinequitable（be inequitable) when describing each others’ work. As is known to us all,employee’s bonus is decided according to his performance. Hence as long as it ispossible to provide a score personally, employee would try to give himself thehighest（the highest) one among that given to his colleagues. Considering this situation andthe theory of authority splitting, nobody could judge work performed by themselvesand by their interested parties. So actually, permitting teachers to run theevaluation(the evaliuation) system is a wrong policy.(本段观点是教师互评的话会带来不公正，说理很清晰但是缺乏例证。)

In conclusion, students are able to providethe fairest judgment and have the right to do so, while teachers may stand onposition of injustice. I totally agree that evaluation by students is moreuseful after all the reasons listed above.

同学的作文是从word上直接copy过来的吗？还是说写的时候比较匆忙？有很多单词连在了一起。
如果是前者，建议在copy之前先在记事本文件上copy一次，再把记事本上的那个搬过来。因为word自动排版的关系，论坛的部分格式读不出来，容易造成单词连在一起的现象。

整体印象：
同学的文章整体结构比较清晰，但是具体的每一分论点的主题句还需要提炼。
还有就是有一个比较大的缺陷：所有的分论点缺乏具体例证，使得分论据的说服力大打折扣。

laneesherry

FrancisEvens 发表于 2013-8-20 10:40
20 Aug
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

0820 综合写作 批改

蓝色是个人意见及建议
红色是强烈建议修改的地方
黄色高亮是用的比较好的词句



In this environment of intense competetion, nothing has caught more attention than the problem of how to make oursenlves（ourselves）（不过这里不建议用ourselves这样太主观的词，可以用people代替） relax after a whole day work. Speaking of the method to relax, including watching a movie, reading books, and doing exercises, some scholars prefer to adopt the former two strategies, while I on the opposite insist in using exercises to gain a completely relax.（这句话读起来稍微有些纠结，建议换用一些简单的表达或直接断为两句） It is not only because sporting can help people concentrate better, but also because it ease the body at the mean time, not to mention the selection needed if you decide to read a book.（开头直接亮明了观点，并指出了下面要说的分论点。）

First to note is that, doing exercises forces people to focus on the activity, and thus realeases a nervus（nervus是“神经，[n]”的意思，同学想说的是“nervous”吗？）  brain more effectively. It is easy to image the situation of, for example, running under which you cannot lose the concentration（lose concentration，不过很少见这样的表达，通常是lack of concentration 或 lose focus on sth） unless you want to get hurt.（这句话读起来不是很顺，去掉“ It is easy to image the situation of”，直接take running for example 会不会更好？）What is more, all the scenery around is pleasing and attractive. How could you ignore such a beeautiful view? How could you keep thinking about anoying matters when surrounded by the lovely plants? How could you even be worried about daily paradoxes at the time of freely breathing? （连续的三个反问很有特色！）But when reading books, almost everyone is easily distracted by things happening arround. So the effect of relaxing through reading may not be as satisfactory as sporting is.

Another reason to exercise is because（is that，语法错误） sports can also release the body just like it relax the brain. People who work in office often face the highest pressure. Standing up or taking a five minutes walk outside is apprentely a wise way to relax. Reading and watching moives, which are activities performed in sitting position, are not able to take away the tiredness of body. According to a survey conducted by University of Cambridge, 71% white-collars are being obsessed by cervical spondy losis, which is due to overtime of desk job. To protect the health and thus live a qualitified life, sports are ought to be popularized among staffs as a prefernce of relaxing.（本段的主题句是运动也能够让身体得到放松，说理部分强调的却是白领们需要运动，稍微有些偏题，建议在最后这句之前加一句绕回来，比如说“运动可以完美地解决这一困扰他们的健康问题，让他们在放松心灵的时候也放松身体。”）

Most important of all, doing excercises is more convenient to start than reading and watching movies. The reason why I claim this is that a complex filtration must be finished before you pull out a book through ocean of literary works. Considering how difficult the process would be, playing tennis seems reather comfortable for an exhausted mind.（是时间不够了吗？本段支持句只有两句话，既没有具体例证也没有更深入展开。在字数比较多的情况下建议直接去掉这一段，但是如果够时间的话能够展开更好。）

In conclusion, I believe totally that one should do some physical activities in order to get truly relaxed. For points listed above, phisical activities can perfectly fresh the mind as well as the body and can be carried out conveniently. As a result, doing excercises is definitely a better choice.

整体印象：
和之前改的那篇作文比起来，同学进步了很多，主题句较为简单明了，例证相对来说也比较充实，不过在深化和围绕中心方面还有些欠缺，请继续加油！


最后说个题外话……同学每次的独立写作字数都好多啊，这些全部是在30min之内打出来的吗？膜拜！！！