Carol的作文帖~

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8月30日 独立~修改    错误       建议      好
It's more important for goverment to spend money to buide art museums and music performance center than to buide recreational facilities(such as swimming pool,playground)

Obviously, art and music play an（a） significant role in our daily lives. They teach people to appreciate wonderful things, （+and）to help people clam down when they are in troubles.（教人们to什么和to什么，前面都说teach people了，后面又to help people, 两个people。。句意句意！）（要是再有一个to什么什么的，三个并列就更好了）Art and music start to influence people as soon as we were born and make the world harmonious.   （亲，这一段讲了art和music的重要性，对人们有这样那样的积极影响。但是第一段要点名主旨啊，难道你这篇文章要讲art和music对人类的影响？很显然，这样的开头没有起到开门见山的作用，而老外最不喜欢绕弯子了。最好改一下，要表明对题目的态度~政府把钱花在A上还是B上，同意还是不同意。重要性只能作为你支持的其中一个原因。）

Almost for sure（我不确定这么写对不对，不过可以肯定this is almost for sure that是对的） art and music are the efficient ways for people to build a unique view of the world.（艺术和音乐是方法？你可以说：学习/欣赏音乐和艺术是建立独特世界观的方法。）（这句跟政府投资在哪没有关系，你要说：因为它对人们树立正确价值观有帮助，所以政府应该建立meseum…） My previous experience （这里要加逗号，表示for example是插入语，否则本句开头加Taking.）for example, I used to learn painting in the art center which was built by the government since I was eight. (终于看见政府这个词了。。。)Since then, I started to learn to appreciate the beautiful world. My art teacher always taught me to draw the things what I saw and to find the inside beauty of surroundings where I lived in. After practising for many years, finally, I understood the（改that） the process of learning painting teach（改过去时taught） me not only the painting skills but also the whole new view of the world.  

Before the government built art museums and music performance center, these were solely a matter（adv.修饰名词？） of seldom people to learn to appreciate the art and music. But these are belong to all citizens. After built these, people who do not have the access to get in touch with the art and music before, now they have chances to enrich their lives.（people后面加逗号，who内容才能表插入，然后后面不用再they 了。。。） （个人认为，艺术是来自于人民的创造的，而不是因为有了艺术博物馆才能接触到艺术。）（另外，这段太短了，没有详细论述怎么enrich 人们的生活了，可以举例子）

On the other hand, I would say that art and music are not the only way for people to enrich their lives.（天啊，你这是又要说什么，开始讲如何enrich人们的生活。。这跟话题有关系么。。跟政府花钱在哪有关系么。。） Just build art museums and music performance center many （may/might）prevent people from fully developed.（继续跑题。。） In our modern society, （+most of）people should also develop their physical healthy（healthy是形容词，develop healthy不对。可以说improve one's physical health） while they develop their mental world. So the government should also built（情态动词后面跟动词原型，改build） some recreational facilities such as swimming pool, playground and multiple gym.（又跑回来了。。）These would give people a great chance to strengthen their bodies. （用词上除了develop 就是build，要扩大词汇量哦。）

In conclusion, if the government's plan（改plan of government，政府不是人，不能's） is in order to fully develop citizens bodies, （如果政府的计划是为了充分发展公民的身体。。你可以调过来说：政府应该怎么怎么做，来使得公民全面发展。“如果”和“计划”放在这觉得很别扭）they(they 指代什么啊，plan还是bodies，无论哪个都不对。) should not only spend money to buildart museums and music performance center to enrich citizens' mentally（又是adv.修饰n.） world, but also should（画线部分不并列，怎么又多了个should，not only,but also 后面的内容要形式一致） build recreational facilities to strengthen their bodies. （开头一直在art music重要，好，最后两段又变成了两个都重要，实在不知道您到底要说什么。。。）

总结：文章开头没有点名主旨，前两段都在说艺术的重要性。跑题了。中间论述无力，语言贫乏，逻辑混乱。
        建议亲先好好认真审题，明白题目到底问什么，再写文章。很多因果关系不要弄颠倒了。
       第一段一定要点名主旨，后文都围绕主旨展开，阐述原因（可以是两个正面的支持原因+一个让步段，也可以三段都支持），最后简单总结一下。
       不建议写中立的观点。
亲，真诚的说~这篇文章重新写吧。。。加油！