能帮我看一篇作文吗？

EI717July

前面我觉得写的不错，后两段我认为可以改一下

However, building a large factory also has its own shortcomings, such as pollution. Nevertheless, the merits of a large factory may bring carry much more weight than its disadvantages. So the striking conclusion is obvious

（Although building a large factory also has its own shortcomings, such as pollution, the advantage it overweight the disadvantage.）

To sum up, given the reasons discussed above ,which sometimes intertwine to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive, we can safely reach the conclusion that building a large factory a good idea. If we take all proper precautions, such as imposing strict environment standards and providing adequate social services

（To sum up,多余） From the reasons discussed above ,(which sometimes intertwine to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive,有点多余) we can safely draw the conclusion that building a large factory  is a good idea.(  If we take all proper precautions, such as imposing strict environment standards and providing adequate social services这句去掉或许更好，它太罗嗦了)