大家帮忙看看， 写得怎么样

tiantiang

看到你的文章好像看到我从前写过的...好熟悉....

偶现在翻身了！所以很有欲望帮你也翻身...

It is
no doubt that every human being pursues success in life. When it comes to how
to achieve our life goals, a common view that is held by many people 语义重复is that property
and money will 这里感觉不需要将来时，而且money和property学术定义上不并列 lead to success in life. Others
            有others就要有some may argue that recently,
education has been increasingly viewed as the most paramount factor that
contributes to success. I personally find the issue intriguing, and I will
present my view in the following discussion.

    

 

    

On the
one hand, if success in life is defined as achieving a well-paid career or
gaining wealth, property and money certainly will grant success to some extent.这个话逻辑不通，金钱lead to success..有钱不就有success...这个意思我说不太好，你再琢磨琢磨
The importance of monetary investment in making people rich has been widely
recognized, and significantly influenced our thoughts.

    

 

    

On the other hand, in a era where ‘knowledge
is power’, 我觉得这话听起来怪怪的，我会说in the information-based age in which "knowledge is power，education has become a factor that contributes to success as
important as money这里逻辑有点诡异，可以说Money contributes to succcess吗？我觉得money是产物，不像 education是途径 . Because creativity, knowledge and intellectual rights 这三个为什么并列...are
valued highly than ever in our times, people whom with a higher education
qualification are promised a higher living standard than those who do not hold equivalent
degrees. Especially for those who are not born with the ‘silver spoon’,这样说我觉得不太好 ..含银勺出生就是有很好的家庭背景，直接说就很好啊，用born with怪怪的...好像身上长出来一样，反正我没看过这样修辞的 
            education is the only way太绝对了 for them to climb up the social ladder or enjoying a
wealthy life.

    

 

    

 

    

However, in my point of view, there are
many other possibilities in defining ‘success’,定义成功的可能性？possibility用的不对，直接ways好了 and when success does not mean
gaining wealth, other factors, other than money or education will lead to the
goal. 不是钱也不是教育，究竟是什么 ？作为topic sentence要说出来，你这段说的不是教育不是钱，而是什么 。Considering having a happy family with children, enjoying oneself in
leisure time, and engaging in a job that one is interested in but with minimal
income but前后不并列,
            money 这句话的主语既然是money,和education,那么发出considering动作的是谁，为什么用ing形式loses its importance in these circumstances, so does education. To
maintain a good family relationship, one must ‘invest’ their time to spend with
invest 和spend重复 family members, and devote their efforts to understand and support his or her
family. To enjoy as much leisure前面说的是happy后面就变成leisure了..哪跟哪儿..究竟要什么 as one can, he or she have to sacrifice some
opportunities of making money. To engage oneself in a field that most interests
him or her, the person has to make a trade off between high salary and personal
motives.这两者是包含关系，不并列，不可选择，高薪就可能是personal motive. All the above-mentioned ‘success’ do not require money or education,
but some other 到总结段落中心的地方还是other factor,还是不知道究竟是什么factors play far more prominent roles.

    

 

    To sum up, I cannot
deny that education’s significance has been rised over the last couple of
decades in ensuring equal opportunities to pursue one’s goal in life. Along
with money and property, one person will take advantages of these resources to achieve
their ‘success’, if it is being a millionare. However, for people like me, who prefer
personal happiness rather than simply being rich, other factors, such as making
efforts to maintain relationship, or giving up opportunities to earn money
become more important.

看你的文章有三个感觉：一是逻辑不清楚，感觉是写的太仓促，当然我不知道你这个是不是卡时间写的，如果是，那就说明底子薄弱了点，如果不是....
二是意思表达不清楚，总在不想说的周围绕啊绕...最后还是死在里面了...issue避免模糊表达，一定把要说的说出来
三是...词汇范围太小....

我建议如果不是立即要考，可以先研究一下范文，理解一下常规的写作思路

自己动笔前，先多花点时间整理一下你自己想表达的中心思想和文章的逻辑层次

开始写的时候，先有框架，再有语言，逻辑关系都顺不通，语言就不用看了

初稿完成后把自己文章里反复使用的表达挑出来，换词，换点有科技含量的，这样慢慢形成自己更高的词汇使用范围