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标题: 六六图样图森破的作文贴，求批求指导！！ [打印本页]

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-7-31 14:36
标题: 六六图样图森破的作文贴，求批求指导！！
本人写作文的一大特点就是……
奇！慢！无！比！
求解求建议T^T托福在考场上少些点字还能勉强【揍……sat的时候整个都崩了TAT……
求狠批！

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-7-31 14:37
7.31独立作文：The government should not give any financial support to artists (musician, filmmaker, painter...)

Hardly in this world can anyone approve that art can progress with isolation. Artists, no matter which respect they excel in and how talented they might be, need platforms and equipments to show their brilliance. Only in this way can artists enhance the overall cultural values and appreciations of the whole nation. However, the responsibility of investing on art has been added blindly to the government. We should analyze the issue in balance.

Artists invariably reach a point where they can hardly make any progress due to the monetary restrictions. To be more specific, a photographer has to buy a high end camera if eager to make a perfect work and an appropriate violin is necessary to a distinguished violinist as well. Likewise, displays and concerts have to be arranged to fulfill the basic needs of painters and musicians. In short, artists require these equipments and platforms to be recognized and acclaimed. Yet few of them have the ability to achieve that by themselves. In this case, financial limitations confine their creativity and inspiration, which are among the most important factors in developing their potentials. Therefore, financial support is of paramount importance to the artists.

Admittedly, government can provide mighty and strong oriented support which can hardly be accomplished by individuals or private organizations. And art, in turn, can provide inspiration, lift human spirit, and incite the whole country’s creativity and imagination, benefiting its citizens. However, it is not the government’s obligation to invest on art. Government is an administrative body responsible to the whole nation. Inadequate resources call for restrictions, priorities and choices. There are, I’m afraid, better ways that the legislators can utilize the funds. To put it exactly, government could build fundamental infrastructures and amenities, uplift the education of all and create jobs for the unemployed, all of which can visually improve the quality of residents’ lives.

Furthermore, nor is the private sector without its ability to support art. As a matter of fact, art has always been depended on the patronage of individuals and private businesses. Back to the time of Renaissance, distinguished painters such as Michelangelo and Raphael were frequently supported by the aristocracy. Besides, private organizations can collect the avenues of concerts and displays, where the government’s intervention and assistance is unnecessary.

In sum, although artists should definitely be given strong support, it is private individuals and businesses that should do the job, not the government, since investing on art is neither its proper role nor its necessary character.

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-7-31 15:26
7.31综合写作：TPO21

In the lecture the speaker challenges the opinion in the reading that genetic modified trees can bring great benefits by asserting that they can bring serious consequences.

First, the fact that genetically modified trees are hardier than nature trees does not insure their survival. When facing a catastrophe, nature trees can always have some individuals that are resistant to the certain problem remained to make sure the species' survival. However, the modified trees are genetically uniform and may be wiped out by one calamity such as a climate change or a new pest invasion.

Second, the speaker doesn't think genetically modified trees can bring economic benefits, because they have hidden consequences. For example, the companies can charge more money for modified trees seeds and let the farmers pay every time they plant.

Finally, although genetically modified trees grow faster, they can hardly solve the overexpliotation problem and may even cause more damage to the local wild trees. Because there will be more modified trees than the nature ones, and thus modified trees will outcompete the latter for resources and even clean them out.

作者: 单人房双人床 时间: 2013-8-1 14:56
7.31独立作文：The government should not give any financial support to artists (musician, filmmaker, painter...)

Hardly in this world can anyone approve that art can progress with isolation. Artists, no matter which respect(field) they excel in and how talented they might be, need platforms and equipments to show their brilliance. Only in this way can artists enhance the overall cultural values and appreciations of the whole nation. However, the responsibility of investing on(invest in) art has been added blindly to the government. We should analyze the(this) issue in balance.

Artists invariably reach a point where they can hardly make any progress due to the monetary restrictions. To be more specific, a photographer has to buy a high end( high-tech) camera if eager to make a perfect work and an appropriate violin is necessary to a distinguished violinist as well. Likewise, displays and concerts have to be arranged to fulfill the basic needs of painters and musicians. In short, artists require these equipments and platforms to be recognized and acclaimed. （读着别扭，但又改不出来错误撒。）Yet few of them have the ability to achieve that by themselves. In this case, financial limitations confine their creativity and inspiration, which are among the most important factors in developing their potentials. Therefore, financial support is of paramount importance to the artists.(同学，我认为艺术家需要发展自身，但受到经济的限制，并不是政府就应该向其投资的条件。)

Admittedly, government can provide mighty and strong oriented support（没看明白） which can hardly be accomplished by individuals or private organizations. And art, in turn, can provide inspiration, lift human spirit, and incite the whole country’s creativity and imagination, benefiting its citizens. However, it is not the government’s obligation to invest on art. Government is an administrative body responsible to the whole nation. Inadequate resources call for restrictions, priorities and choices. There are, I’m afraid, better ways that the legislators can utilize the funds. To put it exactly, government could build fundamental infrastructures and amenities, uplift the education of all and create jobs for the unemployed, all of which can visually improve the quality of residents’ lives.（没看明白，这段为什么要让步，也没看明白，这段的段落主旨是什么。）

Furthermore, nor is the private sector without its ability to support art. As a matter of fact, art has always been depended on the patronage of individuals and private businesses. Back to the time of Renaissance, distinguished painters such as Michelangelo and Raphael were frequently supported by the aristocracy. Besides, private organizations can collect the avenues of concerts and displays, where the government’s intervention and assistance is unnecessary.( 因为艺术可以得到其他方面的经济支持，政府就不支持了？我觉得理由有些牵强)

In sum, although artists should definitely be given strong support, it is private individuals and businesses that should do the job, not the government, since investing on art is neither its proper role nor its necessary character.
总体意见：
我个人觉得你写得有点偏题了。我个人的理解是：艺术家需不需要政府支持，并不是艺术家缺不缺钱，这不是重点。重点是：艺术家能给社会做出多少贡献，如果艺术家对社会影响大，贡献多，政府当然要支持了。如果艺术对社会发展没什么作用，政府不支持也是理所当然的。
逻辑：不够清晰。三个主体段，让人看不清是个什么关系。
论证：没有具体的例子进行支撑。举举个人例子，弄个调查研究什么的。让论证丰富起来。
语言：感觉很从地方读着从语法上看没什么问题，但感觉不是很地道。
以上个人意见，我也是在不断摸索中。共同进步哈！！！多多讨论。

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-8-1 21:02
8.1独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
We can learn about one person from books and movies that the person likes.

Judging by appearances has long been condemned by all cultures in the world, however, one can never fail to deduce judiciously and accurately about others’ disposition and temper by paying attention to his or her preference of mental entertainments such as books and movies. Chosen by personal interest, they frequently reveal the underlying human desire, surface one’s spiritual status, divulge the latent, or even hidden, merits and drawbacks, and thus making it pretty natural to learn about that person’s details.

No one can avoid being influenced by movies around us, because beneficially or adversely, they are, in fact, exerting a subtle effect on us. For those who consider movies as a school to enhance their standard of appreciation and to bring education in all aspects, movies can render them crucial virtues like valiancy, persistence, and honesty. To be more specific, few movies we may have watched, The Shawshank Redemption should never be missed and I have watched it over and over again and deeply touched by the hero while becoming more and more informed and tolerant. On the contrary, vulgar and tedious movies can invariably degenerate one’s ambition and corrode his or her aspiration. Therefore, the movies people watch frequently determine the circumstances that they were exposed to, and consequently become a helpful factor to learn about them.

Likewise, books never fail to fascinate human beings with all levels of education and various kinds of background. To put it exactly, science students like me may find Steven Hawking’s A Brief History of Time so appealing that I can spend all night reading it. But things go exactly opposite when come to the art students. While labeling all science books as tedious and obscure, they may consider On the Road as a brilliant biography that is replete with history. As is known to us all, science and art students have extremely different logic and thinking process. Therefore, By analyzing the books people read, we can readily draw accurate conclusions on their ways of getting through troubles.

In conclusion, we can definitely learn a lot about people from their preference of books and movies because they reflect and echo our spiritual levels and can direct our lives in all orientations.

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-8-1 21:07

单人房双人床发表于 2013-8-1 14:56
7.31独立作文：The government should not give any financial support to artists (musician, filmmaker, ...

谢谢！~我结构确实不好>,<……嗯嗯加例子也很必要><~
PS.能把字稍微改大一点么><我想看的时候很麻烦……谢谢~

作者: applesoforever 时间: 2013-8-1 22:27
In the lecture the speaker challenges the opinion in the reading that genetic modified trees can bring great benefits by asserting that they can bring serious consequences.(好长..)

First, the fact is that genetically modified trees which are hardier than nature trees does(do) not insure their survival. When facing a catastrophe, nature trees can always have some individuals that are resistant to the certain problem remained to make sure the species' survival. However, the modified trees are genetically uniform and may be wiped out by one calamity such as a(删) climate change or a new pest invasion.

Second, the speaker doesn't think(显得主观) genetically modified trees can bring economic benefits, because they have hidden consequences. For example, the companies can charge more money for modified trees seeds and let the farmers pay every time(everytime) they planted.

Finally, although genetically modified trees grow faster, they can hardly solve the over expliotation problem(此处逻辑..) and may even cause more damage to the local wild trees. Because there will be more modified trees than the nature(natural) ones, and thus modified trees will outcompete the latter for resources and even clean them out.

嘿嘿~~
加油~

作者: 单人房双人床 时间: 2013-8-1 22:27

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-1 21:07
谢谢！~我结构确实不好>,

童鞋，好嘀。下次给你改的时候，用大些的字体。

作者: 单人房双人床 时间: 2013-8-2 10:34
8.1独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
We can learn about one person from books and movies that the person likes.

Judging by appearances has long been condemned by all cultures in the world, however, one can never fail to deduce judiciously and accurately about others’ disposition and temper by paying attention to his or her preference of mental entertainments such as books and movies. （这句很给力呀！！！）Chosen by personal interest, they frequently reveal the underlying human desire, surface one’s spiritual status, divulge the latent, or even hidden, merits and drawbacks, and thus making it pretty natural to learn about that person’s details.（这句话是你的主论点，那么你的分论点应该从主论点继续发展下去。如果你的主论点是这个，好么你的分论点应该为 individual human desire, spritual status 等可以从电影、书本中显露出来。）

No one can avoid being influenced by movies around us, because beneficially or adversely, they are, in fact, exerting a subtle effect on us. For those who consider movies as a school to enhance their standard of appreciation and to bring education in all aspects, movies can render them crucial virtues like valiancy, persistence, and honesty. To be more specific, few movies we may have watched,（没看明白） The Shawshank Redemption should never be missed and I have watched it over and over again and deeply touched by the hero while becoming more and more informed and tolerant. On the contrary, vulgar and tedious movies can invariably degenerate one’s ambition and corrode his or her aspiration. Therefore, the movies people watch frequently determine the circumstances that they were exposed to, and consequently become a helpful factor to learn about them.（这段的语言不错，但是怎么还是感觉你写的东西，不是特别切题呢。感觉你在写电影对我们的影响，而不是通过观察一个人所喜欢的电影，反映这个人的什么特点，我们可以了解这个人……。）

Likewise, books never fail to fascinate human beings with all levels of education and various kinds of background. （不能支持主论点）To put it exactly, science students like me may find Steven Hawking’s A Brief History of Time so appealing that I can spend all night reading it. But things go exactly opposite when come to the art students. While labeling all science books as tedious and obscure, they may consider On the Road as a brilliant biography that is replete with history. （这个事例跟后面处理事情的思维不一样，感觉不是很匹配。）As is known to us all, science and art students have extremely different logic and thinking process. Therefore, By analyzing the books people read, we can readily draw accurate conclusions on their ways of getting through troubles.（这个角度论述还是挺新颖的）

In conclusion, we can definitely learn a lot about people from their preference of books and movies because they reflect and echo our spiritual levels and can direct our lives in all orientations.（总结段没有能总结全文。）

同学，我还是觉得你的文章，最大的问题就在于逻辑链。首段提出观点，两个主体段去证明首段观点，尾段总结全文观点。就是按这个逻辑去写。感觉你写的很意识流……。还是要加强逻辑训练。
语言方面，很优美，值得学习。

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-8-2 13:34

单人房双人床发表于 2013-8-2 10:34
8.1独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
We can learn about one person from ...

你戳中我命门了……我是想理由超级无能星人= =……这篇写的……都是在最后一句话才把话题拉回来哈哈【揍

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-8-2 19:50
8.2独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Compared with the people living in cities, the people living in villages and farm areas are more satisfied with their lives.

Most of my friends have formed an unrealistic picture of life in the countryside. They invariably went into raptures at the mere mention of it as if suburbs are sort of paradise where sun always shines. Ripe fruits, fresh air and organic vegetables are available all year round, which is certainly beyond attainment for our urban creatures. However, they fail to mention the overwhelmingly innate drawbacks of life in the countryside. Village dwellers will find it impossible to lead a more satisfying life than urban residents.

City born and city bred, the quiet life of the country has never appealed to me because of the absence of cutting-edge technology. The proliferation of the internet has emancipated urban people in such a productive way that we can write quick notes via pressing the keyboard, access information from the other side of the world, communicate to people on different and distant continent, and broadcast our idea to people all over the world simply with a click of the mouse, all of which people living in the country can hardly have the luxury to accomplish. What could be more friendless and tedious for an adolescent accustomed to the privileges of digital automation than to be deprived those conveniences in the countryside? Therefore, the ideal pastoral peace is simply an illusion blindly aggrandized by people who have never experienced the austere life in the countryside.

Abandoning the dubious pastoral pleasures of the country, people will, in fact, obtain the best that life can offer in the city. Supermarkets with a plethora of merchandises and necessities are never more than blocks away, which is even unimaginable for suburban dwellers. Cinemas with high resolution screen and three-D technique are attainable whenever people feel like appreciating the mindsets and thoughts of all cultures in the world. Prosperous traffic system actually weaves a net that can transmit people to almost every corner of the city, no matter how late it might be or how far the destination is. None of these can be achieved by village residents. Some of them usually have to consider a visit to the cinema as a special treat on festivals, and most have never had the opportunity to pursue this spiritual entertainment. Facing situations like that, what point can we make to support that city inhabitants live harsher live than the village dwellers?

In conclusion, contrary to the villages, modern cities have been built with full regard for our residents’ need. It has been always beyond me that why the city dwellers, are aware of all these advantages, obstinately pretend that life in the countryside could be more satisfying.

作者: 19911006 时间: 2013-8-3 09:25

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-1 21:02
8.1独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
We can learn about one person from ...

作文改好了，请查收

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-8-3 09:39

19911006 发表于 2013-8-3 09:25
作文改好了，请查收

谢谢abide><~~前天是我太捉急嘤>,<

作者: 19911006 时间: 2013-8-3 09:40

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-3 09:39
谢谢abide>,

改的有点狠，请见谅

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-8-3 09:43

19911006 发表于 2013-8-3 09:40
改的有点狠，请见谅

狠点好呀！！~蟹蟹！！

作者: 单人房双人床 时间: 2013-8-3 11:04
8.2独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Compared with the people living in cities, the people living in villages and farm areas are more satisfied with their lives.

Most of my friends have formed an unrealistic picture of life in the countryside. They invariably went（时态） into raptures at the mere mention of it as if suburbs are sort of paradise where sun always shines. Ripe fruits, fresh air and organic vegetables are available all year round, which is certainly beyond attainment for our urban creatures.（新三里面的句子，用得不错。喜欢……） However, they fail to mention the overwhelmingly innate drawbacks of life in the countryside. Village dwellers will find it impossible to lead a more satisfying life than urban residents. （这次的第一段比前几次有很大进步。）

City born and city bred, the quiet life of the country（countryside） has never appealed to me because of the absence of cutting-edge technology. The proliferation of the internet has emancipated urban people in such a productive way that we can write quick notes via pressing the keyboard, access information from the other side of the world, communicate to people on different and distant continent, and broadcast our idea to people all over the world simply with a click of the mouse, all of which people living in the country can hardly have the luxury to accomplish. （排比句，值得学习。但觉得有点过长，可以分成两个句子。）What could be more friendless and tedious for an adolescent accustomed to the privileges of digital automation than to be deprived those conveniences in the countryside? Therefore, the ideal pastoral peace is simply an illusion blindly aggrandized by people who have never experienced the austere life in the countryside.

Abandoning the dubious pastoral pleasures of the country, people will, in fact, obtain the best that life can offer in the city. Supermarkets with a plethora of merchandises and necessities are never more than blocks away, which is even unimaginable for suburban dwellers. Cinemas with high resolution screen and three-D technique are attainable whenever people feel like appreciating the mindsets and thoughts of all cultures in the world. Prosperous traffic system actually weaves a net that can transmit people to almost every corner of the city, no matter how late it might be or how far the destination is. None of these can be achieved by village residents. Some of them usually have to consider a visit to the cinema as a special treat on festivals, and most have never had the opportunity to pursue this spiritual entertainment. Facing situations like that, what point can we make to support that city inhabitants live harsher live than the village dwellers?

In conclusion, contrary to the villages, modern cities have been built with full regard for our residents’ need. It has been always beyond me that why the city dwellers, are aware of all these advantages, obstinately pretend that life in the countryside could be more satisfying.
建议：整体看下来这篇文章的语言可以说非常优美。用了很多排比的句型，读起来像是一篇散文。
发现你喜欢用新概念里面的句子，用得不错，值得学习……
但是，有一些建议。
1、感觉你的文章还是缺少具体的事例，细节去支撑你的论点，好像是在那发感慨，但没有具体的落实的赶脚。
2、句子太长了。如果能够长句和短句错落开来，会更好。
anyway,这篇文章，比之前给你改的有很大进步喽。加油！！！
欢迎探讨。

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-8-5 22:26
8.5独立写作：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
To increase economy, government should neglect environmental concerns.

In the business realm, the successful enterprises are generally defined, at least in our corporate culture, as those which achieve the goal of profit maximization for a firm’s shareholders or other owners. However, should we simply overlook the consequent damages exerted on our environment in their “profit” process? Could we ignore the gradually limited natural resources that are currently ineffectively yet randomly consumed? Could we justify the pointless but serious dependency of those corporations on the finite resources? The answer to these questions would definitely be no.

Admittedly, all businesses are inevitably regulated by the natural economic laws of supply and demand. Hardly could any entrepreneurs and economists approve that in order to reduce air and water pollution, we can force the entire industries out of business, run the risk of economic paralysis and trigger widespread unemployment. However, what we consider unjustified here is not the legal consumption conducted by conscientious companies. For those executives who desired to squeeze infinite profit out of natural resources, the earth is rather apparatus than homeland. Ignoring the environmental issues, albeit bringing short-term profits, will become the deadly undoing sooner or later.

Whether we are environmentalists who are desperate to evoke people’s vigilance on pollution issue and resource crisis, or politicians who are eventually eager to motivate a long and prosper economy, we are, in fact, forced to pay close attention to the environment. To be more specific, a serious debris flow had happened in 2010 in Gansu, China, bringing away thousands of lives. However, before the Great Leap Forward, this place had always been covered with prosperous forests and definitely unlikely to incur a debris flow. The adverse affects of overlooking environmental issues still loom large in people’s minds and remind us to concentrate exclusively on economic progress.

The relationship between corporations and natural resources are somewhat similar to that between countries and their colonies. Rome fell because it tax its colonies extensively and treating them inhumanly. This is due to the greed and desire for power on behalf of the Roman rulers. Sooner or later, the colonies decided to stop tolerating such behavior and revolted. Likewise, if we use this example in the modern world, the current entrepreneurs have often been accused of being greedy of fulfilling their never-ending demands for energy, and sooner or later, they will pay for their mistakes.

In conclusion, what entrepreneur executives should bear in mind is that environmental issues, though can be invisible or expensive to solve, is of paramount importance for them if they want to run a long term business.

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-8-6 18:07
8.6独立写作：Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends? a. joining a sports team, b. participate in community activities, c. traveling

There are people who have no inclination to join a sports team, and people who are too worldly to engage in community activities. But it would be hard to find a person in modern urban society or any developed country who has never benefitted from traveling. Of all these modes of making friends, traveling is undoubtedly the most effective and constructive one.

Everyone is, I suppose, sentimentally attached to certain sacred place that is completely intoxicating this individual’s heart. People frequently find their most like-minded friends in such places. To be more specific, last year I travelled to Japan and abandoned myself in a detective story bookstore searching for my favorite author’s latest book. That is when I met a Chinese graduate from Waseda University. During the first 5 minutes in the conversation, we find Holmes our common interest and the communication atmosphere between us was never plagued with silence even if we don’t know each other several minutes ago. Last month she emailed me the translation of a short detective story of my favorite Japanese writer and I went into ecstasy because it won’t be published in China. Here comes the inherent virtue of overseas friends that can never be emulated by those acquiesced nearby.

What could be better for the students who haven’t formed their values of life and the world than to be able to travel to make new friends as well as learning more about the world? The educational experience in a resort is quite different from that of reading or study. To put it exactly, when students are taught history of the Second World War, the Jew Massacre in Auschwitz Concentration Camp is horrifying, sad, yet abstract. But a trip to Memorial Museum in Auschwitz is an experience that has moved many young students to tears. The friendship built in this kind of emotional resonating situation will be far hardened than that in a sports team or an activity group which frequently incurs conflict and jealousy rather than unity.

In conclusion, nothing could be compared with traveling in making new friends. Because traveling, more than any other mode of making friends, can broaden our horizon, deepen the new-established relationship and strengthen the mutual spiritual tie.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-6 20:48
批改

8.5独立写作：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
To increase economy, government should neglect environmental concerns.

In the business realm, the successful enterprises are generally defined, at least in our corporate culture, as those which achieve the goal of profit maximization for a firm’s shareholders or other owners. However, should we simply overlook the consequent damages exerted on our environment in their “profit” process? Could we ignore the gradually limited natural resources that are currently ineffectively yet randomly consumed? Could we justify the pointless but serious dependency of those corporations on the finite resources? The answer to these questions would definitely be no.(这里巧妙地用定义和三个疑问句来开头好棒！)

Admittedly, all businesses are inevitably regulated by the natural economic laws of supply and demand. Hardly could any entrepreneurs and economists approve that in order to reduce air and water pollution, we can force the entire industries out of business, run the risk of economic paralysis and trigger widespread unemployment. However, what we consider unjustified here is not the legal consumption conducted by conscientious companies. For those executives who desired to squeeze infinite profit out of natural resources, the earth is rather apparatus than homeland. Ignoring the environmental issues, albeit bringing short-term profits, will become the deadly undoing sooner or later.

Whether we are environmentalists who are desperate to evoke people’s vigilance on pollution issue and resource crisis, or politicians who are eventually eager to motivate a long and prosper economy, we are, in fact, forced to pay close attention to the environment. To be more specific, a serious debris flow had happened in 2010 in Gansu, China, bringing away thousands of lives. However, before the Great Leap Forward（这里举了大跃进的例子，建议用半句话进一步解释一下大跃进是为了生产不择手段的时期，毕竟不能够保证每一位考官都知道这是什么。), this place had always been covered with prosperous forests and definitely unlikely to incur a debris flow. The adverse affects（effects） of overlooking environmental issues still loom large in people’s minds and remind us to concentrate exclusively on economic progress.(这一段衔接前面的观点说明保护环境迫在眉睫，但是在开头建议加多一个更精练的总领全段的主题句。）

The relationship between corporations and natural resources are somewhat similar to that between countries and their colonies. （企业和自然资源的关系在某些方面就跟国家和他们的殖民地一样，然后紧接着就是罗马的例子。这句话相比之下更像是“支持性说理句”，建议在前面加一句“忽视自然资源的合理利用将会让企业付出沉重的代价。”）Rome fell because it tax its colonies extensively and treating them inhumanly. This is due to the greed and desire for power on behalf of the Roman rulers. Sooner or later, the colonies decided to stop tolerating such behavior and revolted. Likewise, if we use this example in the modern world, the current entrepreneurs have often been accused of being greedy of fulfilling their never-ending demands for energy, and sooner or later, they will pay for their mistakes.

In conclusion, what entrepreneur executives should bear in mind is that environmental issues, though can be invisible or expensive to solve, is of paramount importance for them if they want to run a long term business.

总的来说楼主的作文读起来非常流畅，有很多表达值得学习。
不过文章主题论述部分缺少了主题句，所以整体上读起来逻辑和结构不是很清晰，稍微有点说理不清的感觉。

作者: wl441790417 时间: 2013-8-7 16:04
批改：
Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends? a. joining a sports team, b. participate in community activities, c. traveling

There are people who have no inclination to join a sports team, and people who are too worldly to engage in community activities. But it would be hard to find a person in modern urban society or any developed country（可数名词不能单独存在 country如果作农村讲用单数，作国家讲用复数） who has never benefitted from traveling. Of all （Among）these modes of making friends, traveling is undoubtedly the most effective and constructive one.

Everyone is, I suppose, sentimentally attached to certain sacred place that is completely intoxicating this individual’s heart. People frequently find their most like-minded friends in such places. To be more specific, last year I travelled to Japan and abandoned myself in a detective story bookstore searching for my favorite author’s latest book（我个人不倾向用doing，仅供参考，in which I searched 感觉好点）. That is when I met a Chinese graduate from Waseda University. During the first 5 minutes in the conversation, we find Holmes our common interest and the communication atmosphere between us was never plagued with silence even if we don’t know each other several minutes ago. Last month she emailed me the translation of a short detective story of my favorite Japanese writer and I went into ecstasy because it won’t（would not 正式书写中didn't don't 最好拆成did not 或者do not） be published in China. Here comes the inherent virtue of overseas friends that can never be emulated by those acquiesced nearby.

What could be better for the students who haven’t （have not 理由同上）formed their values of life and the world than to be able to travel to make new friends as well as learning more about the world? The educational experience in a resort （我在美国见的resort都是赌场度假村一类的东西，这个词用在这里感觉不太恰当，感觉用historic sites或者cultural sites好一点，能和你下文搭配）is quite different from that of reading or study. To put it exactly, when students are taught history of the Second World War, the Jew Massacre in Auschwitz Concentration Camp is horrifying, sad, yet abstract. But （加having，is前后如果要是名词要一致）a trip to Memorial Museum in Auschwitz is an experience that has moved many young students to tears. The friendship built in this kind of emotional resonating situation will be far hardened than that in a sports team or an activity group which frequently incurs conflict and jealousy rather than unity.

In conclusion, nothing could be compared with traveling in making new friends. Because traveling, more than any other mode of making friends, can broaden our horizon, deepen the new-established relationship and strengthen the mutual spiritual tie.

感觉第二点重点在于旅行比阅读和学习要生动，对文章主题没有论证，最后一句提到交朋友有点牵强，论证效果太弱了。如果加上一个例子或者什么就好点了，不过归根结底这中间2段其实内容是一致的，基本上就是建立在共同爱好或者审美观点上的朋友，建议引入其他新的观点。如果要这么写也可以，第一段把中国学生换成外国学生，分享观点文化什么的，第二段加上认识了中国学生建立友谊的例子，就好多了。

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-8-7 18:32
8.7独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Nowadays it is easier to maintain good health than in the past.

People frequently extol the virtues of modern technology, as though if only it could be more advanced, universal and convenient, they would have no possibility to be sick. However, even if one didn’t know from concrete figures that modern living creatures are far more likely to catch various illnesses ranging from insomnia to cancer than those in the past, one could deduce it from general principles.

Let us get down to fundamentals and agree that modern food industry has been disclosed to have a myriad of visible or latent issues. To be more specific, scientific tests have shown us that burgers and pizzas, the most pervasive and prevalent signals of modern fast food industry, can lack essential minerals and vitamins, simultaneously containing large amounts of fat and carbon hydrates. Besides, putting genetically modified foods into markets without examining and studying them thoroughly is one of the most irresponsible decisions made in 21th century because nobody is really sure if altering the composition of food cells is safe. In china, yogurt and jelly might contain industrial gelatin made from discarded leather shoes. These problems surfaced and threatened people’s lives while they still live in the illusion that they are safer than ever.

Modern technology has, in fact, rendered us slaves to machines and thus dramatically undermined our physical health. People in modern society tend to lead a sedentary life. To put it exactly, we prefer on-line shopping or tele-shopping for their cheap price, which can incur a lack of exercise and an increase of fat in foods and consequently a series of sickness. Likewise, people nowadays have an inclination to use air conditioner, to which exposing for a long time can cause serious damage to man’s immune system. With automation came a loss of exercise and an alienation from other people, therefore diminishing the health of modern people both physically and psychologically.

Moreover, the progress in technology has triggered a change in lifestyle. There were certainly times when people didn’t have to stare at the computers for all day long. However, the enhancing living pressure and fierce competition in the modern world have aroused the combative instincts and forced people to stay up late, learn something constructive and damage their bodies by either adding degrees to their eyes or curtailing their sleep time. According to the investigation conducted by Hygiene and Health Department of China, the number of myopic teenagers in China has been ten times than that fifteen years ago. Facing the figure like that, how can I approve that people now are more readily to keep healthy?

In conclusion, it is definitely harder for us to maintain healthy nowadays because there are more risks in modern food industry and people’s lifestyle are becoming worse. It would be （划掉）too young too simple（划掉）（别闹好么）too naïve to believe modern technology have made it easier to keep in good health.

作者: hemodata 时间: 2013-8-14 09:23

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-7 18:32
8.7独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Nowadays it is easier to maintain ...

8.7独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Nowadays it is easier to maintain good health than in the past.

People frequently extol the virtues of modern technology, as though if only应该去掉，否则表达出来的意思和你的原意不一致 it could be more advanced, universal and convenient, they would have no possibility to be sick. However, even if one didn’t know from concrete figures that modern living creatures are far more likely to catch various illnesses ranging from insomnia to cancer than those in the past, one could deduce it from general principles.这句话读起来非常绕口，其实分成两句话可能也蛮好的，或者ranging from这一句用两个逗号隔出来，作为非限定性插入语。even if那一句的动词似乎没有必要用过去式。

Let us get down to fundamentals and agree that modern food industry has been disclosed to have a myriad of visible or latent issues. To be more specific, scientific tests have shown us去掉 that burgers and pizzas, the most pervasive and prevalent signals of modern fast food industry, can这里不需要助动词 lack essential minerals and vitamins, simultaneously好像这个词一般用于表示动词的平行关系，而且分词机构在这里可能产生歧义，建议不要用这个副词，后面直接改成and contain containing large amounts of fat and carbon hydrates. Besides, putting genetically modified foods into markets without examining and studying them thoroughly is one of the most irresponsible decisions made in 21th century because nobody is really sure if应该是whether altering the composition of food cells is safe. In china,这个例子的范围很奇怪，和前面两个例子不匹配。而且是第三个例子了，可以用一个连词显示递进关系 yogurt and jelly might contain industrial gelatin made from discarded leather shoes. These problems surfaced and threatened为森么是过去时态？应该用现在时 people’s lives while they still live in the illusion that they are safer than ever.

Modern technology has, in fact, rendered us slaves to machines and thus dramatically undermined（前面的has通常不跨and使用，这样容易造成时态误解） our physical health. People in modern society tend to lead a sedentary life. To put it exactly, we prefer on-line shopping or tele-shopping for their前面是or，代词应该是单数，其实直接改成for a cheap price也可以，省了判断代词这一步 cheap price, which can incur a lack of exercise and an increase of fat in foods应该是会引起体内fat增加？还是说是想表达外卖食品更不健康？ and consequently a series of sickness. Likewise, people nowadays have an inclination to use air conditioner, to which exposing for a long time can cause serious damage to man’s immune system. Therefore, With automation came时态不对 a loss of exercise and an alienation from other people, therefore放在前面让读者感觉条例更清晰哦，不过有一点小问题，就是前面没有提过和人的交流；但如果这个不是一个段落的结论的话，那么我写的therefore的位置可以换成what's more diminishing the health of modern people both physically and psychologically.

Moreover, the progress in technology has triggered a change in lifestyle. There were certainly times when people didn’t have to stare at the computers for all day long. However, the enhancing living pressure and fierce competition in the modern world have aroused the combative instincts and forced people to stay up late, learn something constructive and damage their bodies by either adding degrees to their eyes or curtailing their sleep time.觉得这个部分写得很好！ According to the investigation conducted by Hygiene and Health Department of China, the number of myopic teenagers in China has been ten times than that fifteen years ago. Facing the figure like that, how can I approve that people now are more readily to keep healthy?

In conclusion, it is definitely harder for us to maintain healthy nowadays because there are more risks in modern food industry and people’s lifestyle are becoming worse. It would be （划掉）too young too simple（划掉）（别闹好么）too naïve to believe modern technology have made it easier to keep in good health.

作者: hemodata 时间: 2013-8-14 09:24
lz我时间不够了，暂时改了两段
主要问题似乎处在动词的使用上比较多一点
而且很多句子比较长，读起来很辛苦，建议长短句结合使用

作者: hemodata 时间: 2013-8-15 14:37
哈哈，我帮你这篇改完啦！
lz有空的话来帮我改改可好？http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-869158-1-1.html

作者: hemodata 时间: 2013-8-15 14:45
ps，刚才忘记了说
我觉得lz很大的优点是，会用很多specific的动词和名词，显示出与主题很好的结合

需要改进的地方是
1、动词的时态使用；代词的单复数
2、长短句结合
3、多余的副词使用

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-8-15 21:01

8.15独立写作：Young people today more likely to give time and effort improving the world than young people were in the past.

Motivation is somehow intrinsic. Exposed to a hodgepodge of academic offerings and provided with a plethora of advanced technological equipments, young people today are, in fact, intrinsically motivated to enhance the current quality of life, in order to lead better lives in the future. Even for some exceptions, extrinsic stimulations in the modern world ensure that they will spend more time and effort on improving the world.

Modern society has witnessed an upheaval in technology and science. As we are reaching the next phase of the Information Age, it’s easy to forget that just several decades ago, the Information Age was stuck on its launching pad. The internet was unknown to nearly everyone except university researchers and TV was still patting itself on the back over cable success. Whereas now they have been the most pervasive and persuasive signal of modern technology and are utilized by numerous teenagers who are desperate to learn more about other civilizations in the world, thereby giving us an ever more detailed insight into the world around us. To be more specific, my grandfather had the ambitions to become a scientist. However, the limited access to advanced knowledge at his time confined his talents. On the contrary, I used to have no inclination even to dabble in this domain, but all the intriguing experiments on the Internet fascinated me spurred my zeal in science.

Furthermore, social problems witnessed by young people today are never more severe. To be more specific, social and institutional contexts for sex discrimination in American life have included the workplace, occupations, income, employment and home, despite a century of social change stimulated by the feminist movement in issues like sexual violence and exploitation. Economic and political inequalities in any country around the world arise continually from over-concentrations of wealth and power and imbalances in the distribution of wealth. Enormous young people made up their mind to improve the world after they saw the people starving in Africa, babies rejected by homeless parents or the broken Earth replete with greenhouse gases. In short, all these social problems urge young people today to take more effort on improving the world.

In general, due to the material and spiritual stimulus in the modern society, young people today are more likely to be motivated by their interests and aspirations to enhance the world.

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-8-15 21:02

hemodata 发表于 2013-8-15 14:37
哈哈，我帮你这篇改完啦！
lz有空的话来帮我改改可好？http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-869158-1-1.htm ...

好的O(∩_∩)O~能直接给我需要改的作文的楼层链接吗~~

作者: hemodata 时间: 2013-8-15 21:03

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-15 21:02
好的O(∩_∩)O~能直接给我需要改的作文的楼层链接吗~~

哦哦好的！这篇http://forum.chasedream.com/foru ... &fromuid=744721

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-8-15 21:23

hemodata 发表于 2013-8-15 21:03
哦哦好的！这篇http://forum.chasedream.com/forum.php?mod=redirect&goto=findpost&ptid=869158&pid=184 ...

咦小默姐你这篇作文不是有人帮你改了吗？~~

作者: hemodata 时间: 2013-8-15 21:36

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-15 21:23
咦小默姐你这篇作文不是有人帮你改了吗？~~

啊！突然才看到！那下一篇再麻烦你把！

作者: hemodata 时间: 2013-8-16 12:56

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-15 21:23
咦小默姐你这篇作文不是有人帮你改了吗？~~

今天修改了昨天的作文
其实重写了一遍
从观点到结构都不一样了。。。。汗

欢迎&诚邀六六来批改^^

http://forum.chasedream.com/foru ... &fromuid=744721

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-8-16 14:47

hemodata 发表于 2013-8-16 12:56
今天修改了昨天的作文
其实重写了一遍
从观点到结构都不一样了。。。。汗

OK~
不过小默……小分队的作业也是跟着机经走的呀何必自己找题目呢╭(╯3╰)╮

作者: hemodata 时间: 2013-8-16 14:51

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-16 14:47
OK~
不过小默……小分队的作业也是跟着机经走的呀何必自己找题目呢╭(╯3╰)╮ ...

咦是吗，啊，我还没看过小分队呢，泪目。。。又忽略了好东西
嗯，去看看
你昨天的我修改啦

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-8-17 12:57
8.16独立写作：In the past young people are more depended on their parents in making decision. Today, young people are better able to make decisions in their own lives.

Few would disagree that young people today are the beneficiary of the myriad of the 21th century innovations. Yet has the Internet rendered them the ability to make judicious decisions by themselves? Has the televisions always taught them the right way to go about daily affairs? Has the ocean of information that invariably incurs strong allures ensured them to keep sober mind on their wishes? The answer might be negative. Young people, no matter when and where they might be, frequently depend on their parents to make wise decisions.

Much as we may pride ourselves on our sensible mind, teenagers are still far from the independency of parents’ financial support. For families that cannot afford boundless expenses, certain thoughts should be confined and remained until parents’ allowance. To be more specific, for a truly dedicated Doctor Who fan and a senior classical music lover like me, what could be more exhilarating than to be able be attend the Proms Concert with Doctor Who theme? My heart beaten faster at the thought of enjoying the familiar tones that appeared in the unforgettable episodes and played by the British royal orchestra, encountering like-minded people from all over the world, and even meeting my favorite doctor. However, I could not make the decision to make it real selfishly. A trip to London is an extra yet burdensome expenditure for my family and it was necessary to ask my parents for advice no matter how yearning I was to be there.

The dispersion of modern technology does not necessarily account to adequate experience, and in other words, thoughtful decisions. Adolescents are frequently misled by their peers via modern communicating platforms, as illustrated by the communication forums mushroomed on the Internet. My cousin once had a large quarrel with his classmates who had been bullying him. Yet instead of turning to his parents, he chose the school forum and many onlookers suggested him to gather friends and suppress violence with violence. This irrational and totally emotional scheme was finally spot by their parents and fortunately abolished. Therefore, even though the 21th century has witnessed great upheaval in information and technology, the young people’s mind can hardly emulate that of their hardened parents.

In conclusion, young people these days are still in need of their parents’ financial support and lacking significant experience to deal with living problems. Therefore, they can hardly make decisions on their own.

我总这么只写两个主体段真的可以么T^T……
听说托福比较喜欢字数多的？

作者: FrancisEvens 时间: 2013-8-17 18:15
Few would disagree that young people today are the beneficiary of the myriad of the 21th century innovations.(用两个of感觉有点拗口，但我也没想出来更好的表达方式） Yet has the Internet rendered them the ability to make judicious decisions by themselves? Has（Have) the televisions always taught(用always的话，是不是改成been teaching比较好） them the right way to go about(dealing with但鉴于最后一段也用到了，可以改成face) daily affairs? Has the ocean of information that invariably incurs strong allures ensured them to keep sober mind on their wishes? The answer might be negative. Young people, no matter when and where they might be, frequently depend on their parents to make wise decisions.

Much as we may pride ourselves on our sensible mind, teenagers are still far from the independency of parents’ financial support. For families that cannot afford boundless expenses, certain thoughts should be confined and remained until parents’ allowance. To be more specific, for a truly dedicated Doctor Who fan and a senior classical music lover like me, what could be more exhilarating than to be able be(to） attend the Proms Concert with Doctor Who theme? My heart beaten(beat 过去式是原型，或者可以用beats?） faster at the thought of enjoying the(是否删去比较好） familiar tones that appeared in the unforgettable episodes and （加上个that更易懂）played by the British royal orchestra, encountering like-minded people from all over the world, and even meeting my favorite doctor. However, I could not make the decision to make it real selfishly(不知道selfish能不能形容物，不过应该是really selfish吧）. A trip to London is an extra yet burdensome expenditure for my family and it was(is） necessary to ask my parents for advice no matter how yearning I was(am） to be there.

The dispersion of modern technology does not necessarily account to adequate experience, and in other words, thoughtful decisions. Adolescents are frequently misled by their peers via modern communicating platforms, as illustrated by the communication forums mushroomed on the Internet(internet). My cousin once had a large quarrel with his classmates who had been bullying him. Yet instead of turning to his parents, he chose the school forum and many onlookers suggested him to gather（gathering） friends and suppress(suppressing) violence with violence. This irrational and totally emotional scheme was finally spot by their parents and fortunately abolished. Therefore, even though the 21th century has witnessed great upheaval in information and technology, the young people’s mind can hardly emulate that of their hardened parents.

In conclusion, young people these days are still in need of their parents’ financial support and lacking significant experience to deal with living problems. Therefore, they can hardly make decisions on their own.

作者: hemodata 时间: 2013-8-18 11:13

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-17 12:57
8.16独立写作：In the past young people are more depended on their parents in making decision. Today, ...

400字很可以的，四个段也可以的，不要纠结，写作质量重于形式=）

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-8-18 12:59

hemodata 发表于 2013-8-18 11:13
400字很可以的，四个段也可以的，不要纠结，写作质量重于形式=）

有时候话唠属性犯了，某一段就有无数想说的话_(:3ゝ∠)_

还有时候写到一半发现把两点理由写成一点了OTL……

就像这个本来想用老无说的细分论述法，结果第一段话唠犯了_(:3ゝ∠)_外加觉得两段写的都是需要财政支持的例子，就干脆删了一个例子合并成一段了OTL……

没救了= =

作者: hemodata 时间: 2013-8-18 14:46

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-18 12:59
有时候话唠属性犯了，某一段就有无数想说的话_(:3ゝ∠)_

还有时候写到一半发现把两点理由写成一点了OTL ...

好东西
http://forum.chasedream.com/foru ... &fromuid=744721

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