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标题: 写了作文没有人修改吗？请戳我！！ [打印本页]

作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2012-11-6 00:02
标题: 写了作文没有人修改吗？请戳我！！
考试在即，临时写篇作文练练手，希望牛牛帮助批改？
托福小白，第一次单挑托福作文，希望高人指点迷津？
如果你希望自己的托福作文得到批改或者指导，如果你希望有机会和托福作文牛牛互动交流，请和我们一起在这里参与互改接龙吧！
在这里，你不仅将获得及时的作文批改指导，还可以与其他考友、托福大牛等一起交流作文备考方法，拓展写作思路等等。
还等什么呢？快快加入，在这里post你的大作吧！这也是攒RP的好机会哦^_^

【适合人群】
希望短期提高托福作文的同学；
作文入门缺乏指导的同学；
临考求分数定位的同学；等等。
想循序渐进提高作文水平、长期互改作文的同学推荐参加写作小分队，链接为：
http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-870345-1-1.html

【练习材料】不限。

【活动规则】
一、求批改同学甲在此帖子后面跟帖发表自己的作文(1楼)。
内容：考试日期、题目来源及类型(如TPO2-独立/综合写作，或X月X日预测机经)、作文题目、作文内容、写作过程中的问题或感悟、修改要求。
要求：为了节省批改同学的时间，请同学们在写完作文后自行将拼错的单词做出修改(在错误单词后面加括号，标注上正确拼写)。
二、求批改同学乙需要对甲同学的作文做认真的批改和点评(回复2楼)。并在修改完后跟帖发布自己求批改的作文(3楼)。
内容：批改文章信息(X楼-XXX的独立/综合写作)、错误、疑惑与建议、好词好句、综合点评。(内容格式详细请参考示例)。
注：因为论坛升级改版，有时候在word中编辑的内容无法显示，可上传修改文档附件。
要求：因为每个同学的复习的程度不同，不能保证批改一定会指出文章的所有缺点，如果看不出错误，也请不要吝啬标注出好词好句(这也是自己学习和积累的一个过程)；也可以在点评的时候对文章估分，写出自己的理由；还可以把自己的思路、或者自己搜到的好的表达方式、范文例句等等贴在上面。
三、后面的同学以此类推，先修改，后发帖。

奖励措施：为了鼓励同学们积极修改作文和参与，批改认真的同学有机会获得TOEFL写作专区斑竹或托福作文满分大牛的更多修改建议！
惩罚措施：不认真修改作文的同学将不被允许二次参加，只发表自己作文而不修改其他楼上文章的同学作文将不被批改。

如果所发作文3天内未被修改，可以站内短消息晨依或e-mail通知晨依来此帖修改作文，邮箱为：zxy1102(＠) 126.C0M；
由于时间和精力有限，不支持、不回复同学单独发作文到晨依邮箱修改的要求，请大家严格遵守规则。
祝大家互改愉快，也欢迎大家就托福作文在此帖进行讨论~

作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2012-11-6 00:02
发帖范例——
2012年11月6日机经独立写作
题目：When people need to discuss upsetting or controversial problems with others, some people prefer to use e-mail or text messaging. Others like to use telephone or voice messaging. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons to support your answer.

作文：
Communication is of great importance in our daily lives. When people are in need of conveying their feelings or ideas to others, some people tend to choose telephone or voice messaging because it is more direct. I, however, argue for communicating by the way of e-mail or text messaging.

To begin with, using e-mail or text messaging is a more polite way to express people's thoughts to others. When people need to put out their points of view to those who are not quite familiar with, it's impolite to telephone them or have a talk to them directly. According to a recent research on the Internet, nearly 85 percent of people regarded words from e-mails or text messaging they received more polite than those they heard via telephone calls or voice messaging. That is to say, choosing the way of conveying ideas by an indirect way, like a letter or an e-mail, may help people better express themselves in a friendly tone. On the contrary, for example, if you are a new employee of a large company and you are going to discuss some details about your work with your manager, it's not sensible for you to go straight to his office talking to him face to face because what you do may lead you to a bad impression for disturbing his work. So, a better method is to send him an e-mail with your problems and ideas in it. And I am sure you will get an immediate reply or contact after he opened his mailbox.

Also, e-mail or text massaging makes communication more fluent and instant in some conditions. An urgent communication with people who are having a meeting tends to fail because people are not allowed to pick telephone calls or have free discuss to others during that time. I remember an embarrassing time when I was very young, I couldn't get into my house after school because I forgot to bring the keys with me. I had to use a public telephone to get in touch with my mom. What was worse, my mother was having an important meeting and she didn't realize that the constant calling was mine. How I wish I had had a mobile phone so that I could text message to tell her about my trouble instead of waiting for her coming back home late at night.

In sum, I suggest people discussing issues or problems with others in a proper way like sending an e-mail or texting a message. A communication in silence is not only as convenient and instant as making telephone calls, but also makes people more polite and graceful communicators in our daily lives.

我是新手，第一次写作文没有经验，请大牛指导，谢谢！

作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2012-11-6 00:03
修改范例——

修改#1 11月6日晨依Jacqueline的独立写作

蓝色为错误或者疑惑，红色为修改，高亮为精彩！

Communication is of great importance in our daily lives. When people are in need of conveying their feelings or ideas to others, some（many, 与后文的however形成对比） people tend to choose telephone or voice messaging because it is more direct（than email or text-messaging）. I, however, argue for communicating by the way of e-mail or text messaging(the latter for the following reasons).

To begin, using e-mail or text messaging is a more polite way to express people's thoughts to others. When people need to put out(present/deliver表达, put out 是熄灭)their points of view to those who are not quite familiar with, it's impolite to telephone them or have a talk to them directly. According to a recent research on the Internet, nearly 85 percent of people regarded words from e-mails or text messaging they received more polite than those they heard via telephone calls or voice messaging. That is to say, choosing the way of conveying ideas by an indirect way, like a letter or an e-mail, may help people better express themselves in a friendly tone. On the contrary, for example, if you are a new employee of a large company and you are going to discuss some details about your work with your manager, it's not sensible for you to go straight to his office talking to him face to face because what you do may lead you to （leave him）a bad impression for disturbing his work. So, a better method is to send him an e-mail with your problems and ideas in it(删去). And I am sure （,most of time, 避免绝对）you will get an immediate reply or contact after he opened（checked） his mailbox.

Also, e-mail or text massaging makes communication more fluent and instant in some conditions. An urgent communication with people who are having a meeting tends to fail because people are not allowed to pick(pick up/answer)telephone calls or(and) have free discuss to others during that time. I remember an embarrassing time when I was very young, I couldn't get into my house after school because I forgot to bring the keys with me. I had to use a public telephone to get in touch with my mom. What was worse, my mother was having an important meeting and she didn't realize that the constant calling(s) was mine(from her anxious daughter). How I wish I had had a mobile phone so that I could text message to tell her about my trouble instead of waiting for her coming back home late at night.

In sum, I suggest people discussing(discuss， suggest后面接V原形，其实是省略了should) issues or problems with others in a proper way like sending an e-mail or texting a message. A communication in silence is not only as convenient and instant as making telephone calls, but also makes people more polite and graceful communicators in our daily lives.

Conclusion: 晨依的语言非常流畅，基本挑不出什么错误！结构也不错，如果每段结尾再总结一下会更清晰！多多积累优美甚至新颖的词组，再接再励噢~~~

作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2012-11-6 00:25
下面轮到你了！
第一个发作文的同学可以不用修改哦~~~

作者: chasedreamabc 时间: 2012-11-6 08:05
我先抢位子，咩哈哈

作者: xiaoshuo199183 时间: 2012-11-6 23:28
哈哈，支持一下~

作者: ningjie111 时间: 2012-11-7 02:31
2012.11.06 机经作文
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. People are now easier to be educated then in the past.

Some of my friends complain to me about the increasing competition among students in entering a good university. We have to take a lot of exams, learn knowledge from a wild field and even prepare for language test like TOFEL if you want to study in another country. It seems that people have to work harder to get education. However as far as I am concerned, people are now much easier to be educated than in the past.

Initially, recent technology advancement has changed the way people live radically, especially in education. It provides a lot of new source for people to study. For example, the invention of internet helps people to find resource they need all over the world. My mother, a typical housewife, is now studying Japanese online. A Japanese teacher taught her the pronunciation, grammar, and practical skills of Japanese through internet. It cost less time and money for those people as my mother to study what they want. Another example is that the open courses online from some universities which are available to everyone on the website of the university definitely offer opportunities for those who cannot attend these classes to learn. This obviously illustrate people could be educated easily.

Subsequently, the boom in transportation system and the boost in globalization also did a great favor to the education. Nowadays it is not difficult to go abroad for study. It might only cost you 10 hours on flight to across two continents and enter a local school in a totally unfamiliar country. In China, more and more students choose to fly to another developed country and finish their high education. International student can use the resource on campus to improve their study and gain more cross culture experience when they study abroad. In this way students have more chance to get education all over the world.

Furthermore, realizing the importance of education, the governments put more emphasis on education and made so much effort that can encourage citizens to get education. In China, the government pays the whole tuition fee which cover 9 years education for children from elementary school to junior high school. Due to such policy, no matter how the financial situation of a family is, their children can get education from school for free. In this situation the governments play important roles on improving the education and make it easier for people to be educated.

Ultimately, although the competition for high education is still intense, with the aid of the invention of high technology, the gradual improvement of transportation and the incentive strategy of government, education is no longer hard to access now compare to the past.

大半夜的看到这个帖子激动不已！马上就要考试了。。。临时抓着佛祖的脚不肯放啊！求各位大牛猛砸！！！！

作者: ningjie111 时间: 2012-11-8 15:52
没人改么。。。内牛。。。自己顶

作者: Nenluky 时间: 2012-11-8 16:43
2012.11.06 机经作文
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. People are now easier to be educated then in the past.

Some of my friends complain to me about the increasing competition(the increasing number of competitions 会不会好点) among students in entering a good university. We have to take a lot of exams, learn knowledge from a wild field and even prepare for language test like TOFEL, if you want to study in another country(我觉得这一句有点突兀，和前面的a good university,个人觉得可以删掉). It seems that people have to work harder to get education. （这个例子举得好像不太好，因为难接受教育和接受教育很难不同吧）However as far as I am concerned, people are now much easier to be educated than in the past.

Initially, recent technology advancement has changed the way people live radically, especially in education. It provides a lot of new source for people to study. For example, the invention of the internet helps people to find resource they need all over the world. My mother, a typical housewife, is now studying Japanese online. A Japanese teacher taught her the pronunciation, grammar, and practical skills of Japanese through the internet. It cost less time and money for those people as my mother to study what they want（改成save time and money会不会好点）. Another example is that the open courses online from some universities which are available to everyone on the website of the university definitely offer opportunities for those who cannot attend these classes to learn. This obviously illustrate people could be educated easily.

Subsequently, the boom in transportation system and the boost in globalization also did a great favor to the education. Nowadays it is not difficult to go abroad for study. It might only cost you 10 hours on flight to across two continents and enter a local school in a totally unfamiliar country. In China, more and more students choose to fly to another developed country and finish their high education. International student can use the resource on campus to improve their study and gain more cross culture experience when they study abroad. In this way students have more chance to get education all over the world. （用more的时候后面带着than before或者than in the past会不会好点）

Furthermore, realizing the importance of education, the governments put more emphasis on education and made so much effort that can encourage citizens to get education这一句挺好的. In China, the government pays the whole tuition fee which cover 9 years education for children from elementary school to junior high school. Due to such policy, no matter how the financial situation of a family is, their children can get education from school for free. In this situation, the governments play important roles on improving the education and make it easier for people to be educated.

Ultimately, although the competition for high education is still intense, with the aid of the invention of high technology, the gradual improvement of transportation and the incentive strategy of government, education is no longer hard to access now compare to the past.
对不起啊，我改的很仓促，一会儿要去上课的，只是粗略的看了一下下，没有把觉得好的句子标出来，回来我补。我的水平也不咋地，尽一点力而已哈

作者: 超级无敌小鹤鹤 时间: 2012-11-9 20:55
赞！！！

作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2012-11-11 22:45
谢谢Nenluky的修改！！！

作者: Crystaljoy 时间: 2012-11-16 09:11
诚邀认真的小晨依加入斑竹队伍！

作者: 浅吟天 时间: 2012-11-16 11:51
顶一个lS那句话

作者: Saturn光环 时间: 2012-11-16 14:31
晨依姐，马上要考试了，求修改作文哈。谢谢啦。。
http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-784271-1-1.html

作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2012-11-16 17:48

晨依姐，马上要考试了，求修改作文哈。谢谢啦。。
http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-784271-1-1.html

-- by 会员 Saturn光环 (2012/11/16 14:31:04)

回复到你的帖子里面啦~
最近有点忙，如果有问题再给我留言吧~

作者: Saturn光环 时间: 2012-11-20 23:43
晨依姐，考试完了吗。。还等着你给我指点作文呢。。。还是老地方哈，嘿嘿。。
http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-784271-1-1.html

作者: 超级无敌小鹤鹤 时间: 2013-9-25 08:18
终于把晨依这个帖子挖出来了。。。没写小分队题目但是想要互改的看过来！！！

作者: wakesleep2011 时间: 2013-9-29 06:08
大牛们，恳请大牛们详细指出问题在哪里，我的作文应该是至少25分以上，但3次了，最好22分，很懊恼。
我想知道是不是单词拼写的问题。因为以前的托福老师说过，现在这篇文章的拼写错误，都用括号标出来了。
也请大牛告诉我该怎么克服拼写问题。

作者: wakesleep2011 时间: 2013-9-29 06:10
这是tpo26的综合写作

作者: wakesleep2011 时间: 2013-9-29 06:12
The lecture rejects the ideas presented in the reading passage that the zebra mussel's invasion cannot be stopped and will threat to other fish populations .In the professor's idea, the zebra mussel's inviasion (invasion) is able to control, and it is still not clear that if sebra (Zebra) mussel is a serious threat to other fish sepiecies. (species)

In the first place, the lecture does not agree with the first point made in the reading that mussel arrived and colonize around North America by surviving in the fresh water used to balance cargos. The professor contends that with knowledges (knowledge) required for now, people can empty those fresh water and fullfill (fulfill) ocean (ocean)water, and the salt of occean (ocean) can kill mussels. Therefore, human transportation would not take mussels to North America, as what it did to Europe.

In the second place, the lecture goes on to refute the claim in the reading that mussel will dominate a new hababit (habitat) after arriving. Actually, the professor argues, what happened in Europe was, mussels reproduce rapidly in the begining (beginning), but those natrual sepieces (species) quickly found mussel as good food and changed their habitats to predate mussels. Those mussels ate a lot of mussels, and stop likely trend of mussels' domination.

In the third place, the lecture challenges that mussels leads to a decline in overall fish population. On the contrary, the lecture reminds us the overall fish population is likely to increase in entirely possibilities. For example, mussels produce new generations in bottom of the river, and many fish species living there feed on those new generations of mussels, thus increase the population of those species. Although, the population of plankton eaters will decerase.(decrease)

All the information above point zebra mussles (mussels) as an unlike threat to other species.

作者: wakesleep2011 时间: 2013-9-29 06:30
还请大牛及时批阅，多谢了！

作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2013-9-30 21:01

超级无敌小鹤鹤发表于 2013-9-25 08:18
终于把晨依这个帖子挖出来了。。。没写小分队题目但是想要互改的看过来！！！ ...

！！！！！

作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2013-9-30 22:17

wakesleep2011 发表于 2013-9-29 06:12
The lecture rejects the ideas presented in the reading passage that the zebra mussel's invasion cann ...

抱歉，晨依近期上CD不及时，回复较晚。
希望建议对你有帮助！加油！

[attach]129584[/attach]

作者: perfectends 时间: 2013-10-1 10:03

晨依Jacqueline 发表于 2013-9-30 22:17
抱歉，晨依近期上CD不及时，回复较晚。
希望建议对你有帮助！加油！

认真的小晨依来啦~ 被改的孩子有福~\(≧▽≦)/~啦啦啦~ 国庆快乐

作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2013-10-1 13:16

perfectends 发表于 2013-10-1 10:03
认真的小晨依来啦~ 被改的孩子有福~\(≧▽≦)/~啦啦啦~ 国庆快乐

P姐假期快乐~\(≧▽≦)/~
我最近正好也没啥事情忙，回报一下CD的孩纸们~

作者: 天空的颜色 时间: 2013-10-9 14:14
自己写好改了一遍，看了一遍的。希望晨依可以帮忙改改。不胜感激http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-781261-1-1.html

作者: skipself 时间: 2013-10-11 12:55
不知道这个帖子还有没有效果呢~最近写了一篇社会类的关于“是否同意政府通过提高汽油和电的价格是唯一有效鼓励人们去节能的方法”
用了两个大点去写，很久没动笔了，还请各位童鞋前辈多多指教。先谢过了

另外如果需要我去修改其他童鞋的，在下虽不才但也愿意倾力相助。

题目：
Do u agree or disagree that the only effective way for the government to encourage energy conservation is to increase the price of gasoline and electricity.

As we know, nowadays, the amount of energy consume is massive, and it is growing strikingly especially in the field of gasoline and electricity. Apparently, government wants to encourage people save the energy or stop wasting. However, I don’t think that increasing the price of gasoline and electricity is the only effective way to encourage people to conserve them.
For one reason, in order to encourage people, I think persuade or educate them is a more accessible way than request or enforce them because persuading would let people accept and follow much easier. Instead, to increase the price of daily-use energy like electricity seems like a method that push people weather to pay more money or to give up using electricity and gasoline. Additionally, if people could successfully persuaded by the government to conserve the energy, the conception of saving energy would root in the mind. It’s more effective to encourage people saving electricity and gasoline because when people were educated, they would not only stop wasting energy but also may tell others to conserve the energy together. The similar thing was happened around me that although my mother was used complain about the growing high price of petrol all the time, and she still kept driving her car to work everyday. However when I talked to her once about the serious problem caused by using fossil fuel, and the benefit of walk to work, she gave up driving immediately. Thus, I think the mild persuading is a more efficient solution of encourage people to do something.
For another reason, the increasing price of gasoline and electricity, in my opinion, is a heavy burden for average people especially for those people whose wage under the average line because the spending of resource such as electricity and gasoline is inevitable in daily life. However the rich probably won’t consider the price too much, and the evidence is that most people are not that rich among the whole society. Furthermore, there are lots of incidents showed in the past year that the growing financial burden or pressure usually lead the disturbance of society. Such as people who can’t afford the increasing tax of the governor of Qing dynasty in ancient China, they revolt and fight with the army of empire, and build the new dynasty which known as Han dynasty after a successive war and a huge sacrifice. Fortunately, financial pressure doesn’t cost a war or disturbance during the history. However it really brings lots of unnecessary burden for people also for the whole society. Therefore, gaining the price of energy won’t encourage people to save the rare energy effectively, and it perhaps will lead some negative effects.
To sum up, I deeply trust there are many better solution for encourage people to conserve the energy, and government increasing the rate of electricity and gasoline is not the only efficient way to achieve their goal of conservation.

作者: 超级无敌小鹤鹤 时间: 2013-11-4 22:17
顶起来吧

作者: 超级无敌小鹤鹤 时间: 2013-12-6 00:05
== 为什么那么多人没看到这个帖子。。。

欢迎光临 ChaseDream (https://forum.chasedream.com/)