Yang的作文贴--坚持住 宝贝！

cherry6891

去年差不多这个时候跟上了阅读小分队，收益匪浅，今天跟上写作小分队，希望自己的听说读写水平有综合的提高，话不多说，action speaks louder!
从9-17开始，多多指教 狠狠批！

cherry6891

队长 我的作文 不知道和那位童鞋互批啊？

loverony713

cherry6891 发表于 2014-9-17 21:20
队长 我的作文 不知道和那位童鞋互批啊？

Topic: Should we insist on challenging dream orachieve realistic dream

(开头最好加背景 再说个人观点)In myopinion, we should insist on challenging our dreams(不太合适吧) in real life and do not settle on the reality(一般是选定;授予的意思吧 不太清楚你想表达啥意思) There is a Chinese saying that(不用加that吧) goes, “If you dream big,you can only achieve up to half., If  youhave a  moderate dream,  you can achieve little  or nothing at all.”(好高级 不过这是哪个谚语来着?) Admittedly(后面加让步的内容), it(不能指代一句话) teaches usto dream big. In the real world, there are several examples.(这个表达实在是不好...)

妹子 我建议你看本书 学习如何开头...

One exampleis the story of Edison, who  invented thelight bulb about 100 years ago(主题句真的不能这样写啊啊啊！！！). It is hard to imagine where(WHAT) the world would bewithout it. If Edison was just satisfied with the common life of having a placeto live and food to eat, who then has the power to change the world? He wouldnot try so many times to find a metal to burn in the  light bulb(意思不好)if he gave up his challengingdream. The development of the world is lifted up by people with big dreams. Howcould we achieve something meaningful if we just focus on the stiff stuff andto change the world to be a better place(并列的不好 并列要求结构、意思相匹配 你这样写让人无法理解你想表达啥意思)?

这一段我真心觉得你首先得解决写主题句的问题。然后再根据主题句+论据+例子。随便看看大牛的帖子就懂了。

As anindividual, we should also dream big(亲 爱迪生也是人哦). My mom once told me that life is likeclimbing the mountain. If your goal is climb the mountain in front of you, thenthe mountain you stand on is the only world you will see because that is yourgoal.. However, if your goal is to walk beyond the mountain and see the rest ofworld, then you will achieve a bigger perspective(用achieve合适么？). This is a good analogy of areality(adj) dream and challenging dream. Your dream decides your world. Knowingthis knowledge(不算是knowledge), I made (用过去不太好 可以加个时间状语)up my mind to see the big picture of the world. After Ifinished college, I continued my studies for a master degree in a bigger city,Guangzhou. Then I decided to study abroad in the US to continue my big dream ofseeing the world after my master’s study and from(同样 并列的问题) working in Guangzhou.紫色的主要是你的例子 因为你没有写主题句 我也不好说例子是否能支撑论点。不过句子写的过于简单~！ 而且例子需要细节。 建议你写的主题句 再找我看看。目前只能说语言不过关。

In onethought, we will achieve our challenging dream after a long venture. If we justfocus on the realistic dream, the world is limited and the passion will soonrun out. [364 words]

ps字数太少。

cherry6891

谢谢 Emily的悉心修改，就喜欢你这种风格，有错直说，嘻嘻，我先搞开头和主题句，另外字数我就看考试要求不少于300字，要拿高分是要写到500字吧，

settle on 选定 决定，应该是settle down有安定下来之意
那个谚语是田忌赛马的翻版 好汗

总之，非常感谢！