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薄荷妹纸

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824 独立一篇

826 独立一篇

831 独立一篇

91 独立一篇

93 综合一篇

97  综合一篇

薄荷妹纸

824 独立写作一篇

同不同意，社會制定了太多規矩給年輕人
Do you agree or disagree that the rules in societies today are too strict for young people.  

提纲:
主要基调 同意
分论点： Young people can do whatever they want to as long as it does not hurt other people or violate the laws
1.有的行业需要一定的经验 和资历而正是年轻人缺少的 比如说 医生 心理咨询师什么的
2.家长和老师们 更多的认为年轻人读书考公务员才是正途 其实还有很多其他的成功的途径和发展的方向
3.企业行政事业等用人单位需要的是有技能的学生 但是我们平时接受的是应试教育 不重视专业知识和技能的积累 也算是限制我们了


Nowadays, the controversial issue of whether the rules in societies today are strict for young people causes public concern. Regarding this issue, the viewpoints vary person to person. A majority of people believe that the rules of societies today are not too strict for teenagers. Others, however, argue that the young are obviously restricted by the various rules in societies recently. As far as I am concerned, I am in favor of the later and my reason will be presented as follows:

First, the main reason is that in recent society most young individuals are asked to have work experiences when they enter into various industries such as doctors, accountants and consultants. Obviously, it is universally acknowledge that a great number of young people who just leave the high school or university do not have such required work experiences .moreover, young people are exposed to much more diverse individuals with ample work experiences. This is a big obstacle for young individuals to survive in the recent society. One of my schoolfellows who applied many jobs once told me that it becomes much harder for young people who do not have any work experiences, like us, to get an ideal job. He has been rejected for nearly twenty jobs for the reason that he did not have any work experiences.

In addition, another reason we must consider is that much more parents and eldership consider being a civil servant is the best choice for the young individuals. In their opinions, civil servant is the most stable job and individual do not need to worry about they will lost the job someday. They ignore the fact that there are numerous careers in the recent society. The ideas of eldership, to a large extent, limit young individuals’ future development. So this rule in the society is too strict for young people.

Last but not least, the education of the young people in the school is mainly theoretical knowledge, not practical skills that the society really needs. The education we have in the school is not usually matched with firms’ or companies’ needs. Exam-oriented education is the major trend in my country now. In this context, young individuals ignore the accumulations of the practical skills. This kind of restriction in the recent society is really unfair for young peoples because it is them to afford the consequence of the misconduct of the education department.

To sum up, from what has been discussed above, it is easily to say that the rules in the recent society are too much strict for the young individuals.

薄荷妹纸

新人第一篇.~  写的好渣 好久没练过了.. 八股文的感觉好重 小组队员狠批！！~

sherryv

黄色高亮是赞的句子哈。

Nowadays, the controversial issue ofwhether the rules in societies [url=]today[/url]（感觉和开头的nowadays重复）are strictfor young people causes public concern. Regarding this issue, the viewpointsvary (加from, vary from…to…) personto person. A majority of people believe that the rules of societies today arenot too strict for teenagers. Others, however, argue that the young areobviously restricted by the various rules in societies recently. As far as I amconcerned, I am in favor of the later and my reason will be presented asfollows:

Comments by sheery: 这个开头怎么说呢？就是有种八股文的感觉，像那种万用开头：提出一个观点，然后有些人同意而有些人不同意，再表达自己的观点。语言上没什么错，但是感觉不是很精彩。建议薄荷有空可以再锤炼一下。

First, the main reason is that in recentsociety most young individuals are asked to have work experiences(experience)when they enter into various industries such as(后面举例的是职业名字，不是industry。可以去掉such,表示以doctors,accountants…的身份进入industry)doctors, accountants and consultants. Obviously,it is universally acknowledge(这个表达和obviously是一个意思，建议只保留一个) that a great number of young people whojust leave the high school or university do not have such required work experiences (experience).moreover(Moreover,注意首字母大写),young people are exposedto much more diverse individuals with ample work experiences. This is abig obstacle for young individuals to survive in the recent society. One of my schoolfellows who applied many jobs once toldme that it becomes much harder for young people who do not have any workexperiences, like us, to get an ideal job. He has been rejected for nearlytwenty jobs for the reason that he did not have any work experiences. (例子可以更具体一些，比如他申请的是什么职位，而公司需要哪些经验，这样文章的可读性更强一些)

Comments by sherry: 总体感觉这段前半部分句子有些冗杂，建议薄荷多用些状语和补语的修饰方法。我以自己觉得比较顺的方式写了一下，仅供参考：

First of all, most youngindividuals trying to enter into job markets as doctors, accountants, ordoctors are asked to have work experience. However, it is obvious that thoseyoung people who has just left high schools or universities do not necessarilyhave such required work experience. Even worse, they are exposed to much more experiencedcompetitors with rich work experience. This is a big obstacle for youngindividuals who want to survive in this society and make a living. For instance, ……

In addition, another reason we mustconsider is that much more parents and eldership consider（considersth，要不加that,要不换掉consider,比如holdthe common view that）being a civil servant is the best choice for the youngindividuals(单复数不一致，a young individual). In their opinions, civil servantis the most stable job and individual do not need to worry about they will lost the job someday（worryabout 后面不能跟句子，可以把about改成that）.They ignore the fact that there are numerous careers in the recent society. The ideas of eldership, to alarge extent, limit young individuals’ future development. So this rulein the society is too strict for young people.

Last but not least, the education of theyoung people in the school is mainly theoretical knowledge, not practicalskills that the society really needs. The education we have in the school isnot usually matched with firms’ or companies’ needs. Exam-oriented education isthe major trend in my country now. In this context, young individuals ignorethe accumulations of the practical skills. This kind of restriction in therecent society is really unfair for young peoples (people)because it is them to afford the consequence ofthe misconduct of the education department(这里意思是强调句吗？如果是的话应该是it is they who/that afford…).

To sum up, from what has been discussedabove, it is easily (easy) to say that the rulesin the recent society are too much strict for the young individuals.

整篇文章论点很好啦，我在写的时候也是想不出什么论点，囧。建议薄荷在语言的变化上再下功夫，多谢出写精彩的句子哈。

薄荷妹纸

sherryv 发表于 2013-8-25 12:26
黄色高亮是赞的句子哈。
Nowadays, the controversial issue ofwhether the rules in societies today（感 ...

谢谢Sherry 的修改哦。~~ 我会在语言上多下功夫 尽量少说废话！！~

薄荷妹纸

826
Do you agree the professional athletes such as the football player and basketball player deserved high salaries to be paid?
基本框架. Agree
论点：1 have less privacy
      2 much easier to get hurt


It is worldly acknowledged that the professional athletes get high salaries in recent days. But the issue that whether they are deserved the high rewards is, indeed, controversial. The viewpoints vary from person to person. However, in my opinion, I think the professional athletes do deserve what they actually have received.

Admittedly, it is not fair that professional athletes receive much higher salaries than individuals who work for other fields. The professional athlete is just one kind of many careers, it is equal to any other careers such as doctors, polices and teachers, but the salaries is hundreds of times higher than other occupations. Why should these athletes have such privileges? It is fair to say that they both work hard on their own filed and try to achieve maximum personal values. The professional athletes do not have something that much more different form other occupations. In this aspect, they may not deserve the high rewards to be paid.

However, comparing with the ordinary individuals, the profession athletes have much less privacy and the right to preserve their own confidence. They are exposed to a great number of reporters and ordinary people besides the game time. Like my high school chemistry teacher who conveys his professional knowledge to the students, just receive the average salaries of the society, say about four thousand yuan. While as a football player like Cristiano Ronaldo, his week salaries is about thousand times of my teacher’s month salaries. It seems unfair, but thinking about the troubles and worries of the famous football player because of the lack of privacy, the much more rewards can be considered as the compensation of the shortness of his own privacy and confidence. Normal individuals definitely pay close attentions to the gossip of Cristiano Ronaldo, like who is his girlfriend or where does he live? Nobody cares about who is girlfriend of my chemistry or where does my chemistry teacher live. So since the professional athletes make such an huge sacrifice to entertain the public, they definitely deserve what they have been paid.

Moreover, as a high-risk group, the professional athletes take much more healthy risks than ordinary people beyond all doubt. It is world known that professional athletes are exposed to the danger of getting hurt. It is miserable for an athlete to get hurt, especially get serious injury during the game time is extremely brutal for a professional athlete. It can probably end one player’s career as a professional athlete even get physical disability if unfortunately. Therefore, the professional athletes, by putting themselves into this high-risk career, is surely deserved to receive much higher rewards than the ordinary individuals.

To sum up, because of some special characteristics of such an unique occupation, professional players do deserve to be high paid.

laneesherry

薄荷妹纸 发表于 2013-8-26 17:20
826
Do you agree the professional athletes such as the football player and basketball player deserve ...

蓝色是个人意见及建议
黄色高亮是赞
红色是强烈建议修改的地方

Do you agree the professional athletes such as the football player and basketball player deserved high salaries to be paid?
基本框架. Agree
论点：1 have less privacy
      2 much easier to get hurt


It is worldly acknowledged that the professional athletes get high salaries in recent days. But the issue that whether they are deserved the high rewards is, indeed, controversial.（非常简洁的入题！） The viewpoints vary from person to person. However, in my opinion, I think the professional athletes do deserve what they actually have received.(首段表明观点，开门见山）

Admittedly, it is not fair that professional athletes receive much higher salaries than individuals who work for other fields. The professional athlete is just one kind of many careers, it is equal to any other careers such as doctors, polices and teachers, but the salaries is hundreds of times higher than other occupations. Why should these athletes have such privileges? It is fair to say that they both work hard on their own filed and try to achieve maximum personal values. The professional athletes do not have something that much more different form other occupations. In this aspect, they may not deserve the high rewards to be paid. （让步段说明了反方的观点，不好不坏）

However, comparing with the ordinary individuals, the profession athletes have much less privacy and the right to preserve their own confidence. They are exposed to a great number of reporters and ordinary people besides the game time. Like my high school chemistry teacher who conveys his professional knowledge to the students,just receive the average salaries of the society, say about four thousand yuan.(这句话看的不是很懂。。。） While as a football player like Cristiano Ronaldo, his week salaries is about thousand times of my teacher’s month salaries. It seems unfair, but thinking about the troubles and worries of the famous football player because of the lack of privacy, the much more rewards can be considered as the compensation of the shortness of his own privacy and confidence. Normal individuals definitely pay close attentions to the gossip of Cristiano Ronaldo, like who is his girlfriend or where does he live?（陈述句是句号） Nobody cares about who is girlfriend of my chemistry or where does my chemistry teacher live. So since the professional athletes make such an huge sacrifice to entertain the public, they definitely deserve what they have been paid. (分论点一，中间的例子部分非常详细。）

Moreover, as a high-risk group, the professional athletes take much more healthy risks than ordinary people beyond all doubt. It is world known that professional athletes are exposed to the danger of getting hurt. It is miserable for an athlete to get hurt, especially get serious injury during the game time is extremely brutal for a professional athlete. It can probably end one player’s career as a professional athlete even get physical disability if unfortunately. Therefore, the professional athletes, by putting themselves into this high-risk career, is surely deserved to receive much higher rewards than the ordinary individuals. (本段为纯说理段，建议加上具体的例证细节）

To sum up, because of some special characteristics of such an unique occupation（两个of看起来稍微有些纠结，最好换一下表述）, professional players do deserve to be high paid.

总体印象：
1.本文是标准的让步段+分论点1+分论点2结构，结构清晰。
2.第二个分论点要注意例证的应用
3.语言读起来有些chinglish，注意地道的英语写作与表达

laneesherry

来弱弱的提醒下，不要忘记帮我改26号的独立作文哦~

薄荷妹纸

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-29 01:55
来弱弱的提醒下，不要忘记帮我改26号的独立作文哦~

恩恩 这几天都断网..~ 刚回来 现在就给你改

也谢谢你的修改！！~

薄荷妹纸

831 独立 Do you agree or disagree? It is better to work with your own computer and telephone at your home than work in your company's office.

With the development of science and technology, it is worldly acknowledged that an increasing number of individuals work at their homes, rather than work at company’s offices, in recent days. But the issue that whether it is better to work at own homes than work at offices is, indeed, controversial. The viewpoints vary from person to person. However, in my opinion, I think work at home is much better for several reasons.

Admittedly, working at office is a better choice for individuals who do not have self control for the reason that office definitely can provide a much denser working atmosphere for its staff. This atmosphere helps to improve the work efficiencies of staff.

However, working at home has its incomparable advantages. First, it can save a lot of time of the individuals who spend valuable time on the way to workplace. For example, there are two people do the same work, but one could work at his own home and another have to work at the company’s office. Comparing with the individual who have to work at their office, we can see that the person who work at home do not need to get up early to the company and also do not need to get home extremely late after finish his work. At least two hours would be saved if it takes about one hour for the person to go to work at company’s office. Individuals have the chance to use the saved time to do numerous meaningful things instead of setting on the bus or the private car. If individual uses the time to sleep ensure, at the large extent, the rest time of staff which can improve the efficiency. So working at home is much more convenient and time-saving for individuals.

Moreover, working at home does better to our environment. It is worldly known that pollution, especially the exhaust gas of cars, has been one of the most severe questions for human being. Working at home do not need people to use any of transportation to go to the company, they definitely can work at home and finish the work as well. It can easily imagine that if people do not need to go to office, there will be much less vehicles running on the road. The less the vehicles, the less the waste gas they emit. The less the waste gas they emit, the better the environment of the Earth. So it is better for our environment to work at home than work at office of company.

In sum, form what have been discussed above, working at home has much more incomparable advantages that working at office do not have. So working at home is definitely much better.