第一篇托福作文求拍~~~~

arlenelulu

“When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success.” Do you agree or disagree with the quotation above? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position. 

 We always be informed that if you work hard, you will be succeed someday .Hard work is regard as the most important factor in people's success .Most people believe that they can be success in their position with their hard work .
   Hard work is the base of people's success . People need to do many prepearation for their final success. Students study hard to obtain the knowledge ,Scientists do lots of experiment,even hundreds times, to do their research , workers work hard to gain make things perfect . That all needed for their success . If people are not well-prepeared ,they will not take the chance which leads to the succees . Examples are available everywhere .Take a look at the people around you , all the successful people are hard-work .They have the ability to discover the chance . Hard-work made them sensitive to these chance .
   But we cannot overlook other important part of people's success, the Luck . Luck are something cannot be described very exactly .But it is truely exist in our life . Luck may mean the chance which lead you to success. Without the chance,even you are well prepeared for your success, you may probabaly failed to success . That is the mysterious power of the luck . For instance ,Jack ma ,the alibaba'ceo , if he is not lucky enough to have a chance know the big boss of investment company , he would not get his first investment on his company and he would not be the ceo of the biggest online bussiness company of china . So do the ordinary people .
We need a chance to show ourselves .We need a chance to do what we need to do . If there is not such a chance , everything is null.
  So, Luck is as important as the hard-work to people's success . We should work hard to make us prepeared for the chance . 
麻烦大家指点一下~~~

sillysnail

语法错误蛮多。具体的你可以放到WORD里面检查一下。象什么Hard work is regard as ，Most people believe that they can be success ，Scientists do lots of experiment之类的。

另外，几乎都是短句，可以适当的用些长句。

然后，用词不够灵活。象success用得太多了，可以考虑用victory，win之类的代替一下，hard work也可以用strive，endeavor之类的代替。

亮点比较少，可以多背些高级点的替代词。

细节还不够多。

不好意思啊，拍得狠了点，其实我昨天也刚做了这个作文，做完后看了一篇满分作文，那个羞愧啊，要给自己打1分了。大家一起努力啊，我还有一个半月考，准备暂时先每天一篇了。

arlenelulu

发现自己的问题还真的很多哎。。。要好好改改了

arlenelulu

再问下这样一段正论，一段反论的写作模式可不可取？

wisholym

我也写了这篇，你帮我看看好么

The quotation asserts that, it is only the hard work rather than luck that contributes to success. I agree that working hard is the most important factor which can result in success. However, sometimes, luck is another critical factor and meanwhile, there are some other possible reasons which could be responsible for success to some extent.

  “Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.” which was said by the most famous inventor Tomas Edison, could show the importance of industrious work. Edison spent nearly all his time in the laboratory and kept on researching various materials and electronic models, so he could achieve the outstanding attainment. A well-known example is how he invented the lamp. Before his success, he had failed for about one thousand times, but he never gave up, just tried again and again. So why Edison is so excellent, I think it was just his perspiration, that’s to say, his hard working, led to his success.  

Another example I can prove the importance of hard working is concerned with Yao Ming, a Chinese basket ball player, who is now plying for Houston Rockets in America. He keeps on training his muscle and skill every day. Even when traveling by plane, he is always absorbed in the match videos from which he can study others’ advantages and find his own faults. His drillmaster said that Yao always sit in the first row when talking about the match strategy. In short, without extraordinarily hard work, Yao could not be so successful.     

 However, sometimes luck may play a rather important role in heading for success. With the same effort, two people may achieve quite different accomplishment, which often results from different lucks or opportunities of them. Everyone should know Helen Keller, a famous blind writer. Indeed she was very industrious. But if she had not met the excellent teacher Anne Sullivan, could she be so successful? Not every blind and deaf person has the opportunity to receive so good education, that’s why luck is also important.

 Besides, gift is sometimes indispensable. Some famous scientists and artists like Einstein, Newton, Beethoven, all showed great gifts when very young.

 To sum, I agree that hard work is the most vital point which leads to great achievement, taking into accounting examples of figures like Edison and Yao Ming. Nevertheless, we could not neglect some other necessary factors just like luck, gift, though less significant comparatively.

[此贴子已经被作者于2008-5-17 16:53:13编辑过]

bluegold998

可以看出，wisholym的语言功底还是不错的，我提个人的几点看法；

1、小的语法问题，如“to sum”貌似应该是“to sum up”

2、题目中并没有指other factors such as luck,gift，题目中只有luck吧，擅自扩大范围不知是福是祸。另外，你的第一段中，However, sometimes, luck is another critical factor and meanwhile, there are some other possible reasons which could be responsible for success to some extent.并未提及gift，后面突然冒出来，有点令人不知所措吧。