【写作小分队】挑食的猫 everyday writing

挑食的猫

加入写作小分队，每天在队友儿的鼓励帮助下完成作业哈哈！
Let's rocking~!


写作小分队汇总贴：http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-661450-1-1.html

挑食的猫

猫猫首次考托，经验有限，多多指导多多包涵哈：）

挑食的猫

2月22日 2010.10.9NA
Do youagree or disagree with the following statement? Compared with people who livein cities, people who live in rural areas can take better care of theirfamilies. Use specific reasons to support your answer.
Writing:
I don’t agree this statement, and I believe that peoplelive in cities take care of their families better. Here are my reasons.
First of all, it cost less time in transportationfor people live in cities construct to people live in rural areas. Just take Shanghaifor example,
Shanghai is one of the biggest city in China, andthere’re  more or less 20 million populations workingand living there. Everyone complains about the bad traffic. But to the peopleliving in downtown, the time spend in traffic can be controlled in 1 hour, whichmay be 90 minutes to 150 minutes to the rural people. That’san extra time for city people spending with families, taking care of them orhaving fun with them.
Transportation is not the only prospect attractingpeople live in downtown, well-accomplished constructions is the second reason. High-technologicCinemas, world-wild kinds of restaurant, various themed parks…andso on, there are so many  choices for us,and we all will enjoy the time around with lovers and children in new places.
Furthermore, living in cities, it is easier tomake friends since city people live closely, thus for a three-person family, itmeans three times more friends. We can much easily to find a friend with thesame interest in city than the rural. Once I heard a story which happened inthe northwest of China, there was a little boy born with yellow hair, but inChina most of the people’shair are black especially in the villages.  The boy was puzzled andunhappy, he was eager reading and asking to find out the fact. That’sa question in rural areas, but in city, he might be proud of that he was one ofthe people with yellow hair.
All above in one word, the convenience and widenrelationships living in city are not only for one to live better but also makeit easier for one to enjoy the life with families.

daisyの小夢想

哈哈 你怎么离开大部队发来这里了~~~

挑食的猫

啊？不是每人开一个作文贴吗？
偶理解错啦？

daisyの小夢想

啊？不是每人开一个作文贴吗？
偶理解错啦？

-- by 会员 挑食的猫 (2012/2/23 11:44:46)

不在这个区呵呵。我们有IBT作文区呀。不过也没什么影响啦~

晨依Jacqueline

红色部分为错误，黄色部分为精彩，蓝色部分为疑问或建议，绿色部分为晨依修改的句子或者段落，供参考。
I don’t agree(with)this statement, and I believe that peoplelive in cities take care of their families better. Here are my reasons.

First of all, it costs less time in transportationfor people live in cities construct to (compared with,注意construct是建设的意思哦)people(这里用those更好一点)live in rural areas. Just take Shanghaifor example, Shanghai is one of the biggest city(cities) in China, andthere’re more or less20 million populations workingand living there. (Just take Shanghai, one of the biggest cities in China, as an example. It has a population of about 20 million people working and living there.) Everyone complains about the bad traffic. But to(However, comparing to)the peopleliving in downtown, the time spend in(spent on) traffic can be controlled in 1 hour, whichmay be 90 minutes to 150 minutes to the rural people. (However, comparing to people living in downtown, it takes rural people much more time in traffic.我修改的句子没有加具体的时间，一个是觉得1h和90min、150min不太有代表性和说服力，另外建议猫猫如果写的话尽量把单位统一起来哦~)That’s(There's)an extra time for city people spending with families(their family members更好一点), taking care of them orhaving fun with them.

Transportation is not the only prospect(aspect) attractingpeople (to)live in downtown,(.) Well-accomplished constructions is the second reason. (another aspect和上面的对应) There are High-technologic(这个说法不对,用high-tech就可以)Cinemas(高科技电影院说法有点奇怪吧?), world-wild(worldwide)kinds of restaurants, various themed parks…andso on,(.)Sincethere are so many  choices for us(we have so many choices),and we all will enjoy the time around(spending) with (our)lovers and children in new places.(这段是我个人修改的，供猫猫参考...Not only transportation is an aspect attracting people to live in downtown, but also the perfect constructions like high-tech cinemas,world-wide restaurants and various theme parks etc..We've got so many choices , thus we are able to enjoy the time spending with our lovers and children in new places.)
Furthermore, living in cities, it is easier tomake friends since(because) city people live (more)closely,(.) Thus,for a three-person family(a family of three), itmeans three times more(three or more times of) friends. We can much easily to find a friend with thesame interest in city(cities) than (in)the rural(插一句话，猫猫以后要注意than比较前后尽量保持一致哦~). Once I heard a story which happened inthe northwest of China,(这里是两个句子，不能用逗号，可以用that链接起来) there was a little boy born with yellow hair,(.)But inChina,most of the people’shair are black especially in the villages. The boy was puzzled andunhappy,(.) He was eager reading(to read) and asking to find out the fact.(这是两个句子，不能用逗号连接。还有就是意思不太明白，是“他迫切地想读书以找出事实”吗？)That’sa question in rural areas, but in city, he might be proud of that he was one ofthe people with yellow hair. (觉得这样写有点chinglish...而且猫猫有没有发现这个story和easier to make friends没有什么关系……)

All above in one word(没有这个说法吧，直接Above all或者In one word就行), the convenience and widen(wide)relationships living in city(cities)建议把位置移到convenience后面读起来比较通顺 are not only for one to live better but also makeit easier for one to enjoy the life with families.(In a word, the convenience of living in cities and wide relationships are beneficial to both a better living standard and an enjoyable family life. )

晨依比较懒，写了这么多，就不conclusion啦~猫猫的行文和思路是完全没有问题的，语言方面可以进一步雕琢一下，加油哦

Crystaljoy

晨依真的好认真！

晨依Jacqueline

晨依真的好认真！

-- by 会员 Crystaljoy (2012/2/23 19:22:31)

羞羞~~
改作文也是学习和积累的好机会嘛
以后会更加努力哟！

挑食的猫

好感动，谢谢晨依如此认真、细致！嘿嘿，经你提醒和修改，文章一下上了个台阶。
确实呢，最后一个例子有些怪怪，改为people with the same character or interest,就联系起来啦~


今天其他任务出门啦。
明儿继续~