Amissrosa的作文帖--中英作文底子都不好...11/24將第一次考托福 求狠批><!!!感謝各位前輩!!

amissrosa

大家好，我是昨天新加入chasedream的會員，我叫Rosa
初次使用chasedream和寫作小分隊，還在摸索板上的規則，如有做錯的地方，還請前輩原諒和糾正>"<
希望在這裡能盡一己之力，並相互鼓勵一起加油！
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按下計時器開始寫作時,有點不懂題目....原稿花了約48分鐘才寫完...!!真汗顏
下面稿子已經糾正錯字,內容和原稿也不太一樣,但還是不確定是否有符合題目@@
麻煩寫作小分隊批改了>"<  謝謝D


10/31 獨立寫作-Young people nowadays have no influence on decisions that determine the future of the society as a whole. A\D


    In the past, elder people have gotten through economy recession in 1945's, and most of them have never given up to raise the economic situation and to create a better global economy during 2000's. Nowadays, young people are experiencing another economy recession. To survive, they are forced by the environment or themselves to become mature and to stand out against the regressive society. Therefore, I believe that young generation surely has potential to influence the determination that decides the future of a society.


    First of all, never look down upon the potential of young generation. People still hold a traditional belief that the improvement of a society is count on the young generation. And that is also the reason why governments have never stopped ignoring education system for young people. Governments establish Ministry of Culture and Education to cultivate young people’s creative, multiple and practical ability because the public believe that when young people are able to make contribution to society, it is no doubt that they will influence the development of societies.


    Moreover, young people are braver in present than the young lived in a traditional society. Young generation now walks on streets to fight for their rights, such as labor right. For example, once the government decides to increase university tuition, people will soon learn lots of news reported that many student associations of social issue are gathering in front of a government building to against the policy.


    In addition, young generation of present era understands the national economic trend and rates of unemployment. To change the society and their disadvantageous situation, they know they have to learn more professional skills and experience. Hence, there are many young people decide to go back hometowns to infuse fresh energy and to firstly reform enterprises and then society after they study abroad or finish working holiday.  


     Young people have unpredictable potential to influence the society’s future and even the world. Young generation brings fresh idea that governments and the public are care about because most of them believe that young people who born in a setback environment will be stimulated to make better societies.


(words: 354)

小滋滋

1031改
In the past, elder peoplehuman beings have gotten through economy recession in 1945's, and most of them have never given up to raise the economic situation and to create a better global economy during 2000's. Nowadays, young people are experiencing another economy recession. To survive, people, even young generation, are forced by the environment or themselves to become mature and to stand out against the regressive society. Therefore, I believe that young generation surely has potential to influence the determination that decides the future of a society.（逻辑不通顺）


First of all, never look down upon the potential of young generation. People still hold a traditional belief that the improvement of a society is count on the young generation. And that is also the reason why governments have never stopped ignoring(说反了吧？) education system for young people. Governments establish Ministry of Culture and Education to cultivate young people’s creative, multiple and practical ability because the public believe that when young people are able to make contribution to society, it is no doubt that they will influence the development of societies.


Moreover, young people are braver in present than the young lived in a traditional society. Young generation now walks on streets to fight for their rights, such as labor right. For example, once the government decides to increase university tuition, people will soon learn lots of news reported that many student associations of（associated with） social issue are gathering in front of a government building to against the policy.


In addition, young generation of present era understands the national economic trend and rates of unemployment. To change the society and their disadvantageous situation, they know they have to learn more professional skills and experience. Hence, there are many young people deciding to go back hometowns to infuse fresh energy and to firstly reform enterprises and then society after they study abroad or finish working holiday.（这两句话感觉没有因果关系）

Young people have unpredictable potential to influence the society’s future and even the world. Young generation brings fresh idea that governments and the public are care about because most of them believe that young people who born in a setback environment will be stimulated to make better societies.

结构语句都没有问题，但我认为在我读楼主的文章的时候我会长生gap，比如说p3如果能说明一下更勇敢和determine the future of the society就会更好些。

小滋滋

我今天看到你的作文就觉着有点不太对，刚才我突然想到了，再补充说说，首先你的句式用词都很好，但是构思上存在问题，而且读的过程我要自己填你的gap，去猜你想表达什么，说明你的文章逻辑递进不强。1）首段，我的理解是你想表达当今社会的年轻人在金融危机的背景下背负的更多，以至于他们在逆境中更优秀，所以他们更能在将来影响社会的发展。但是你的文章并没有把这些观点完整的表达出来，让读者产生了gap，是我自己把这些连起来，所以你的文章在这方面应该加强，让文章更有层次的递进。然后你开篇做的类比，也有问题，我刚开始读以为你是想拿elderpeople和youngpeople比，但后来我才明白你是先说过去的人也经历过depression类似的，因此这就不能用elder people,因为你这样比没有可比性了，时代不同，人也不同，得有点相同点才能比啊，我也不知道我说明白没哈，这些应该都算是逻辑的问题。2）逻辑结构：我觉着托福作文应该在首段尾段，主体段段首都摆明观点，比如你的主体段二段，你说young people are braver in present than the young lived in a traditional society我需要想一下勇敢和影响社会发展有什么关系，会产生疑问，但是如果你与中心联系一下会更好. 我的一点小意见，有错的地方多多包涵：）

amissrosa

小滋滋您好!
謝謝你抽再空幫我補充!!!
邏輯一直以來都是我最大的問題>"<
謝謝前輩指正D

amissrosa

抱歉抱歉,交晚了>"<
11.3 獨立 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People today would be happier if they had fewer possessions.

There are many kinds of things that people can possess to satisfy their minds. For example, some people feel happy because they earn lots of money while some people feel fulfillment because they have time to stay with families.Nowadays, most people tend to be materialism. They pursue countless money and the innumerous things, and they never feel content and happy even though they have owned enough money and house to live. Therefore, I believe that if people understood to restrain their desire, they would be happier.

First of all, most people think that the more things they owned, the more happiness they earn. However, the truth is that the more things they want, the more tiredness they get. We often hear that some of famous entrepreneur died of liver cancer because they work over 10 hours a day. Besides, according to medical research, endless desire makes endless pressure and that is the reason why more and more people suffer from depression. Moreover, to pursuing greater possession, people spend most of his or her lifetime working or traveling on official business rather than staying with families or friends. Eventually,these people lost the kindest people, friends and families, and all they have in the end of the life are useless property and lonely mansions.

Second,many people believes that being able to possess more and more things,especially the materials, means that they are more competent than other people.And I agree that the more power the man have, the more things they couldpossess. But, as I mentioned before, even though a man obtain power by continuouslypursuing more possession, he won’t be happy. Moreover, there are different waysto get power happily. For example, there is a social group, ELIVE, which isestablished by four college students, and the goal of this group is to helpbackward country, such as Cambodia, building schools and apartments by askingvolunteers around our country. These four students have achieved the goal andpossess reputation and gratitude. They didn’t get more money, but they feelhappiness and fulfillment.


Chasing after a thing is tired, and it sometimes requires people tosacrifice families and friends which are priceless. Even though a man possessesnumerous things, he won’t be happy because he loses the source of love andcomfort. Moreover, it is a beginning to worry about personal gains and losseswhen people own too many things. Therefore, I believe that it is better forhuman beings to have fewer possessions.

amissrosa

第一次寫綜合，還請前輩嚴格糾正>"< 感激不盡>"<!!!
11.3 綜合 TPO19
The reading passage and the speaker both discussthe topic of buzzing. However, the speaker, a buzzer, discords with the idea inthe passage. He thinks buzzing will not harm people and society. He offersseveral reasons to oppose the article.


The first reasonis that buzzers are not liars. Although in the article, it claims that buzzersare paid to say the advantages of products but not spontaneously recommendthose products, and people have right to know whether these buzzers are paid tolie or not. The speakers clarify that advertising companies only find peoplewho have used their product to become buzzers. Thus, buzzers are not tellinglies but saying their true experience and feedback of products.


Second, thespeaker refutes the reading by mentioning whether buzzers will misleadconsumers or not. Though the article states that people can be secure and keep questionablewhen they see TV commercial advertisement, but they are easily to lose theability of differentiating bad or good when buzzers introduce them products. Thespeaker then argues that people still keep clever when they meet buzzers. When thespeaker is buzzing phone service to people, people keep asking him how long hehave used this product, how much is this product and how is the service. If hecan’t answer people’s questions, people won’t believe him.


The third reasonis that buzzer will not destroy the trust between people but bond socialrelationship. While the article indicates that buzzers will harm make society lessof trust, the speaker points out that buzzer will not destroy civilization buthelp social relationship more closer after people realize that everything thatbuzzers told are truth.


Finally, thespeaker in the lecture disagrees with the points in the reading. He believesthat buzzers are not liars to spread mistrust; instead, buzzers can tell peoplethe truth of a product and even make social relationship closer.

Crystal的秋天

独立作文用word改比较方便，粘贴附件啦~~~改的不对的地方，见谅哦~~

Crystal的秋天

The reading passage and the speaker both discuss the topic of buzzing. However, the speaker, a part-time buzzer, discords with the idea inthe passage. He thinks buzzing will not (won't) harm people and society. He offersseveral reasons to oppose the article.
The first reasonis that buzzers are not liars. Although in the article, it claims that buzzersare paid to say the advantages of products but not spontaneously recommendthose products, and people have right to know whether these buzzers are paid tolie or not. The speakers clarify that advertising companies only find peoplewho have used their product to become buzzers. Thus, buzzers are not tellinglies but saying their true experience and feedback of products.
Second, thespeaker refutes the reading by mentioning whether buzzers will misleadconsumers or not.（你的观点是？） Though the article states that people can be secure and keep questionablewhen they see TV commercial advertisement, but they are easily to lose theability of differentiating bad or good when buzzers introduce them products. Thespeaker then argues that people still keep clever when they meet buzzers. When thespeaker is buzzing phone service to customers, customers people always keep asking him how long he have used this product, how much is this product and how is the service. If hecan’t answer people’s questions, people won’t believe him.
The third reasonis that buzzer will not destroy the trust between people but bond socialrelationship. While the article indicates that buzzers will harm make society lessof trust, the speaker points out that buzzer will not destroy civilization buthelp social relationship more closer after people realize that everything thatbuzzers told are truth.(这里是没有听太清楚吗？后面细节不够充分，建议重听) 原文大概是：
Finally, if you believe what you read, buzzing will destroy civilization. That’s stupid. If a product is bad, the company cannot recruit buzzers. So, what you get from a buzzer is not only sincere, it is likely to be about a good product. If you try the phone service I use, you will get love it. So, people who try buzzed products are going to have good experience, so they will end up being more trustful and open to people.

Finally, (换个词，否则以为和上面是并列的， in conclusion，to sum up之类的，我单词比较匮乏，随便举两个)thespeaker in the lecture disagrees with the points in the reading. He believesthat buzzers are not liars to spread mistrust; instead, buzzers can tell peoplethe truth of a product and even make social relationship closer.




整体结构和听力内容没有太大问题，并且很明确的表明了阅读文章和听力材料之间一一对应的关系，但是提个小小的建议，感觉你阅读部分讲的过于繁琐了，导致听力的观点不够突出，如果你打字速度没有问题的话，建议你分配一下阅读和听力的比例，如果打字不算特别的快的话，可以考虑先讲听力部分的观点，阅读略讲。三段可以不用保持一致，先阅读后听力，可以变换些形式。

amissrosa

為求文章邏輯順暢,這篇竟然寫了1.5hr....
自我期許能在剩下的19天內將自己訓練成能在30mins內寫完邏輯順暢的文章!

11.4獨立 Young people should try several different jobs before they decide which job or career they will do in the long term.

People take long time to make assure their interest fields, and so does the young generation. There are many college students finding their real interested career after having lots of part-time jobs. Therefore, I agree that young people should try several different kinds of jobs to find their interest, accumulate varied experiences and know people around the world that will help them decide lifelong careers.

First of all, having different kinds of job experiences is very important to not only employees who are seeking lifelong careers but also employer who interview job seekers. For example, my first part-time job is working at a famous restaurant when I was a college student, and I learned that patience and politeness are the keys to success in service industry. Left this job, I found another part-time job of beverage shop, one of service industry. I treated customers very politely and patiently, gradually stimulated the sales, and eventually my boss was very proud of me. The former job experience made me success in the next job. Besides, these two job experiences make me realized that I am interested in marketing that I have ever thought of. Therefore, I believe that varied job experiences can help young people find their favorite field.

Second, to survive in a certain job requires not only young people’s job experience but also their flexibility. I think that it’s good for young people to make different friends when they try several jobs because knowing different people around different job areas can help young generation learn how to deal with colleague relationship of lifelong jobs. For example, when I was a freshman in part-time jobs, I knew that labors of basic level are very hard because they have to scarify physics and mentality, and I also observed the different attitude to bond the relationship between me and colleague and me and my boss. Therefore, I believe that accumulated relationship with people around different jobs will help younggeneration gets through from basic level to higher status in their lifelong job environments.

In conclusion, accumulated different job experience can help young people find their interested jobs that they are willing to scarify for lifetime. Also, it helps young people be more familiar with the way to deal with people of different characteristics and job status in their lifelong jobs. As a result, I agree that young people should try several different jobs before they decide which job or career they will do in the long term.

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11.4 綜合 TPO20


The readingpassage and the professor both discuss the topic about a policy of “let it burn”.However, the professor discords with the idea in the passage. She thinks thatthe fire gives the ecology an opportunity to create new form. Therefore, theprofessor provides several reasons to oppose the article.
The first reason inthe lecture is that the event of Yellowstone Park fire actually created newplaces for smaller planets to live while the reading points that the firecaused a tremendous disaster to the plants. The professor says that although thefire destroyed trees and vegetation in Yellowstone Park, but it actually creatednew spaces for smaller planets to live. For example, after the fire, the largetrees which had occupied most areas were destroyed, and the destroyed areasbecome new habitats for smaller vegetation to survive.
Second, thespeaker refutes the reading by mentioning the recovery of wildlife. Though thearticle states that the “let it burn” policy destruct the habitat and foodchains of ecology, the professor argues that the environment is able to recover.Besides, the destruction of habitat actually helps smaller species, such asrabbits, to propagate, and the propagation provide food to predators in foodchains.
The third reason is the fire will not affectlocal tourism and local economy. While the article indicates that serious firecause the decrease of local economy and tourism, the professor holds that thefire which is like Yellowstone Park fire doesn’t frequently happen and will notaffect local business. Instead, the fire not only helps some creatures whichneed higher temperature to live but also attracts more and more tourists cometo Yellowstone Park.
In conclusion,the professor in the lecture disagrees with the points in the reading, shebelieves that the “let it burn” policy will not harm ecology and local business.

Crystal的秋天

People take long time to make assure makesure or determine, make assure means

使保证 their interestfields, and so does the young generation. There are many college studentsfinding their real really interestedcareer after having lots of part-time jobs. Therefore, I agree that youngpeople should try several different kinds of jobs to find their interest,accumulate varied experiences and know people around the world that (that 指代什么，前面的整件事的话，用，加which可能更好)will helpthem decide lifelong careers.

First of all, having different kinds of job work experiencesis very important to not only employees who are seeking lifelong careers butalso benefitsemployers who interview (为什么用面试？) job seekers.For example, my first part-time job is working at a famous restaurant when Iwas a college student, and I learned that patience and politeness are the keysto success in service industry. Left After leaving thisjob, I found another part-time job of beverage shop, one of service industry. Itreated customers very politely and patiently.,The way I learnedbefore played animportant role in my new job, graduallystimulatedstimulating the sales, andeventually my boss was very proud of me andeventually bringing manybenefits to my boss. The former job experiencemade me success in the next job. (换成这样句与句之间的联系可能更紧密一些，仅个人直觉) Besides,these two job experiences make me realized that I am interestedhavetalent in marketing that (that 不可以指代整个句子，你肯定不是想表达marketing 是你没想到的东西，而是你适合做marketing这件事)I have everthought of. Therefore, I believe that varied job experiences can help youngpeople find their favorite field.

Second, to survive in a certain job requires not only young people’s job work experiencebut also their flexibility. I think that it’s good for young people to makedifferent friends when they try several jobs because knowing different peoplearound different job areas can help young generation learn how to deal withcolleague relationship of lifelong jobs. For example, when I was a freshman inpart-time jobs, I knew that labors of basic level are very hardoverburdened(hard 更偏向于努力吧)because theyhave toscarify (这个词有点大，pressure both on)physicsand mentality, and I also observed the different attitudes to bond therelationship between me and colleague and me and my boss.(这句话没看懂) Therefore, Ibelieve that accumulated relationship with people around different jobs willhelp young generation gets through from basic level to higher status in theirlifelong job environments.（不太明白你这段的论证跟灵活性有什么关系）

In conclusion, accumulated different job experience can help young people findtheir interested jobs that they are willing to scarify devote tofor lifetime. Also, it helps young people become (强调一下动作而不是状态) morefamiliar with the way to deal with people of different characteristics and jobstatus they will encounter in the future in theirlifelong jobs. As a result, I agree that young people should tryseveral different jobs before they decide which job or career 用了career后面就不要用do 了，搭配很奇怪they will do in thelong term.


明显可以看出来，这篇文章花的时间比较长，我个人建议
还是保证时间限制的基础之上提高作文水平，至少我发现对我而言这么可能更好一些。细节问题，注意一下定于从句的用法，词义的辨析，可以多背一点同义词转换，可能会给文章增色很多，你文章中重复用词的现象也很多。