橙za的作文贴！求各位狠拍赐教！几百年没写过作文了！

chengzaaaa

今天是此生托福作文第一写。。。
吭哧了好久写出来感觉还是非常高中生。。。太弱了！摔！
需要看起来各种资料啊！学习啊！
今天看见sdcar大神的帖子说关于read和write的关系的问题，感觉说的非常非常对。
平时太太太缺乏active reading了导致写的时候不知道要些什么也不知道要怎么写。
要read English website and articles on daily basis啊！求大家监督！
求进步！求大家狠批啊！！！

先来个今天的

10.6 独立 Your job will have more effect on your happiness than the social life does.

Aristotle said that happiness is the goal that all human beings are going for, and that they pursue happiness not for anything else, but only for its own sake. Happiness is a great deal for everyone and could be affected by various factors in life, such as the job we do, the social life we have, and the people we love. Although a job isn’t everything in life and couldn’t fully represent a person, I still believe that it has more effect on a person’s happiness than the social life does.

For starters, people who love and enjoy their jobs tend to be a lot happier than those who have a job that they hate. You can easily tell if a guy is happy by the attitude he has for work. Does he complain and whine about the assignments all the time or does he see every challenge a precious opportunity for him to practice and improve? Needless to say, the latter is happier. Whether the guy loves the job he does significantly determines his happiness in life. If he is passionate about what he does, even when there are bumps down the road, he would be more optimistic about the obstacles, have a better mood, and be happier. Social life couldn’t have this kind of effect on happiness. If a guy hates his job, and even though he has a colorful social life, he couldn’t avoid bringing his negativity about work to his social life, making social life less enjoyable. To some degree, job is more essential for and has more impact on happiness.

Moreover, job is where the money comes from and economic factors are crucial for happiness. If a family can’t afford what they want in life, there is no way that this family is feeling happiness every single day of their life. And social life couldn’t compete with the economic factors on the impact it has on happiness, because how much money a person makes could substantially influence the quality of his/her social life. With short of money, even the best social life a person could have would not bring much more happiness than it would if the person is doing great in the economic department. From this aspect, it is pretty clear that the job plays a more important role than social life does for happiness in life.

Although the job affect happiness more than social life does, it does not mean that the social life is not important and that we should care less about it. Social life is a big part of people’s life. After a long day work, no matter how we love the job we have, we should always take some time, see some friends, and relax. A workaholic with no social life couldn’t be any happier than a person who keeps a good balance between job and social life.

To sum up, job has a greater impact on happiness than social life does. But in order to better achieve happiness, it’s not enough to just discover the passion about the job, what we also need to do is to find a good balance between the job and the social life.

小问题：在文中出现a person，之后代词就得he/she这种是不是应该尽量避免？那应该如何表达更好捏。。。

晨依Jacqueline

好认真啊~橙子加油哦！
我觉得直接he就可以了

chengzaaaa

好认真啊~橙子加油哦！
我觉得直接he就可以了

-- by 会员 晨依Jacqueline (2012/10/6 20:12:37)

谢谢晨依鼓励
不过我隐约记着之前哪儿看到一个说只写he会引起性别歧视嫌疑- -所以一直觉得a person blahblah是个尴尬的状态，不过又很难避免啊，还是我太词穷了。。。。。。。。。。。。。

chasedreamabc

性别歧视其实在写作中不是很严重的问题，很多范文高分作文也是只用he she单一人称=。=

chengzaaaa

性别歧视其实在写作中不是很严重的问题，很多范文高分作文也是只用he she单一人称=。=

-- by 会员 chasedreamabc (2012/10/7 13:39:05)

greeeat！谢谢队长解答

第一二三只

这是我改的作文。你写的很好~~我水平离你差远了。。。。改的有不对的，还请你原谅啊~~

chengzaaaa

谢谢三三的批改！！让我认识到了我不少毛病。

总结一下我的问题
1. 有一些重要的句子，老重复，句式过于简单，需要句式高端化。
2. 容易罗嗦，不是很efficient。加上第1条，弄的弄的就很无聊。
3. 第二段有点儿跑题了，其中job和social life给的比重失衡，且语言很不精炼，逻辑也有跳跃，不紧凑，第二段需大改。。。
4. 例子！！！

chengzaaaa

橙子10.7独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: The government and corporation should share all their scientific discoveries with other countries in the world?

The world today has become more integrated than ever, and with the development of technology and Internet, new scientific discoveries are made every day around the world. In the century of information and technology, the sharing of scientific discoveries is very important, which helps countries all over the world develop and grow. However, I do not think it is necessary for governments and corporations to share all their scientific discoveries with other countries in the world.

For starters, sharing makes other countries less motivated to work hard on their researches and make new discoveries. When people can attain new information and knowledge through sharing, they become less encouraged and inspired to make new observations and do deeper research. Instead, they tend to just learn from the sharing and take it all in, and that is it. So is it with countries and operations. If a country does not share its new scientific findings with other country, and let us say that this new finding would substantially increase the productivity in the pepper crops and therefore greatly lower the costs, making this country an exporter of pepper and their GDP soar. Other import countries would want to figure out how the productivity improved, so they would be very motivated to work on new methods to push up working efficiency, and there is a great chance that they would make new discoveries that are even better and more significant. Not sharing is a potent stimuli for new findings.

Secondly, sharing all the discoveries threatens the national defense force. A great portion of scientific discoveries is applied to military and national defense areas. Countries are putting a lot of money for researches and developments of new chemical and biological weapons, hoping to strengthen their national defense. Scientific discoveries regarding these domains are keys to the countries’ safety and cannot be shared around the world. We never see any country blabbing about how its new secret weapons are made or how they function, because those are the leverages they have for their countries’ safety. Keeping the sovereignty safely requires keeping some scientific findings in the country. And that is why governments and corporations should not share all scientific discoveries with other countries.

Although sharing all the discoveries is a bad idea, some of the scientific findings should be shared with no doubt, such as new findings in the medical and health disciplines. Whenever a new kind of medicine is produced or some kinds of treatments are improved, sharing the information worldwide will be essential to help people in other countries who suffer from diseases that cannot be treated for years. If the cure for Alzheimer, the 7th leading cause of death, is found, would people hesitate to share the cure around the world?

We do not necessarily have to share every bit of new findings that we have, because we need to keep them for the sake of more findings and our safety. But when the news is worth sharing, we would not wait.

bonnenuit

The world today has become more integrated than ever, and with the development of technology and Internet, new scientific discoveries are made every day around the world. In the century of information and technology, the sharing of scientific discoveries is very important, which helps countries all over the world develop and grow. However, I do not think it is necessary for governments and corporations to share all their scientific discoveries with other countries in the world.

For starters, sharing makes other countries less motivated to work hard on their researches and make new discoveries. When people can attain new information and knowledge through sharing, they become less encouraged and inspired to make new observations and do deeper research. Instead, they tend to just learn from the sharing and take it all in, and that is it. So is it with countries and operations. If a country does not share its new scientific findings with other country（countries), and let us say that this new finding would substantially increase the productivity in the pepper crops and therefore greatly lower the costs, making this country an exporter of pepper and their GDP soar. Other import countries would want to figure out how the productivity improved, so they would be very(用fully更恰当） motivated to work on new methods to push up working efficiency, and there is a great chance that they would make new discoveries that are even better and more significant. Not sharing is a potent stimuli for new findings.（个人觉得这里不需要用虚拟语气，用一般将来时就可以了，虚拟语气一般用在不可能再发生的假设）

Secondly, sharing all the discoveries threatens the national defense force. A great portion of scientific discoveries is applied to military and national defense areas. Countries are putting a lot of money for researches and developments of new chemical and biological weapons, hoping to strengthen their national defense. Scientific discoveries regarding these domains are keys to the countries’ safety and cannot be shared around the world. We never see any country blabbing about how its new secret weapons are made or how they function, because those are the leverages they have for their countries’ safety. Keeping the sovereignty safely requires keeping some scientific findings in the country. And that is why governments and corporations should not share all scientific discoveries with other countries.

Although sharing all the discoveries is a bad idea, some of the scientific findings should be shared with no doubt, such as new findings in the medical and health disciplines. Whenever a new kind of medicine is produced or some kinds of treatments are improved, sharing the information worldwide will be essential to help people in other countries who suffer from diseases that cannot be treated for years. If the cure for Alzheimer, the 7th leading cause of death, is found, would people hesitate to share the cure around the world?

We do not necessarily have to share every bit of new findings that we have, because we need to keep them for the sake of more findings and our safety. But when the news is worth sharing, we would not wait.

写作水平是我目前组里改过的人中最好的
抱歉啊 我实在改不出神马错误
很多地方我还要向你学习
不管是句式 单词 都很丰富
例子很贴切 逻辑也很紧密
像这样的作为可以拿高分

chengzaaaa

谢谢bonnenuit的评价！我觉得各种不会举例子啊。。。举的很尴尬或者干脆举不出

关于would那个我主要是在第二段第三行那儿if了一下嘛，然后后面let us say that什么的，我默认这个是一个虚拟的故事情况了，这种情况要不要用would啊。。。？还是也是直接用一般时呢？
我在关于would上一直很纠结！可能看美剧里大家动不动就would。。。
求解答！！