阿伦艾佛森的作文

Iszy

阿伦，你好！我是Iszy, 负责修改你综合作文的，由于我今天外出有事，不能在今晚10:00前及时地改完你的作文了，请见谅！

不过放心，我会尽量在早些改完的，超时了，Sorry啦~~~

阿伦艾弗森

没关系没关系，你忙完再说，不要紧的！~

Iszy

红色为错误的地方，绿色为可改善的地方

The reading passage mainly provides us three benefits （provide sb with sth 或者 provide sth for sb；所以改为：provides us with three points.)about salvage logging. The professor deals with the same issue, however, in different opinions.(这里用“different”笼统地表达听力的观点，不太好；不同的意见不意味着相反的意见，可用opposite;其次这里有个小错误，“in different opinions" 不构成完整的句子，且不能共用“deal with"这个动作，所以最后一句可改为“ The professor deals with the same topic; however, she holds the opposite view.)

Firstly, the lecture discuss(discusses) that removing damaged trees is not necessary because the removal of the tree will make the soil lack of nutrient which differs from the main idea in reading that removing can help forests to grow up fresh trees.(没有这样表达的，想要表达的意思是“有利于森林长出新的树木”，正确的方式为：help new trees grow up in the damaged forests.)

Secondly, the professor made point (points out)that though dead trees will give (provide, provide sth for sb/give sth to sb) a good habitat for some insects which is harmful to trees like spruce bark beetle, it will always provide a condition for some useful insects and birds.They will help the forest.（benefit the forest)By the way, （用 in addition 会不会更好一点~~）the spruce bark beetle won’t damage the forest until they live more than hundred of years. （时态和搭配有问题呀，听力的原句是：spruce bark beetles have lived in Alaskan forest for nearly hundred years without causing major damage.要改成你想要表达的意思：spruce bark beetle hasn't ever damaged the forest since it lived there almost hundreds years ago.)The reading does not discuss this point.(这句多余了，易让人误解）

Thirdly, the lecture supports the idea that though salvage logging has some benefit in economic, it will not last for a long time and carrying those woods will use many expensive facilities（transportations 运输工具)like helicopter (helicopters). The jobs which the factories give(give一般指“无偿赠送”，改为offer) are also temporary and they like to hire outside experienced workers more than local workers. This point disagrees with the point demonstrates in the reading.(最好简要说明一下阅读第三个观点~~~）
其他建议：首句 "support the idea” 如果看得太快，可能会误以为professor 同意阅读的观点，最好一致用“反对”的句式表达吧~~~；其次，“idea" 后那个同位语从句好长呀，中间用逗号隔开，不知道可不可以呀~~


In conclusion, the contends （contend 是动词，改为“ statements")in the reading are contradicted by the professor (with the professor's opinion)and the professor has totally different ideas made in reading(意思重复，而且划掉的那句错了）

^^,感觉阿伦对于一些常用动词的使用不太熟悉，例如：动词的固定搭配（尤其是介词的搭配~~），还有一些从句的使用还要加油~~~
在内容方面，听力的内容表达很充分，但阅读的提及的太少了，大部分连主观点都不给，这样貌似不太好~~~阅读的主要论点还是要写一写的~~~不然怎么体现你的阅读能力呢？~~~

这是一些参考意见，有问题，可以探讨探讨~~~

阿伦艾弗森

谢谢你啊~真心受益

阿伦艾弗森

10月6日综合写作。求狠批！！！
The reading passage mainly provides us with three points about problems and limitation of the science of archaeology. The professor deals with the same topic; however, she holds the opposite view.

Firstly, the reading discusses that the construction projects ruins many valuable artifacts. In contrast, the professor claims that if the site has to be examined by archaeologist that it has valuable archaeology artifacts, the next thing to do is to rebuild the artifacts by builders and government.

Secondly, the professor makes point out that construction company should paid for the examinations for the site but not the government. It is a new way about financial support. Whereas the reading demonstrates that financial support is inadequate.

Thirdly, the passage states that archaeologists have difficult to find a job. The lecture casts doubt on the idea that new guide line provides many archaeologists paid works, and it is not exist before. The increased job opportunities have enlarged the number of archaeologist.

In conclusion, the statements in reading are contradicted by the professor with her idea.

AnthonySummer

The reading passage mainly provides us with three points about problems and limitation of the science of archaeology. The professor deals with the same topic; however, she holds the opposite view. （第一段多提一些听力中的细节吧）



Firstly, the reading discusses that the construction projects ruins many valuable artifacts. In contrast, the professor claims that if the site has to be examined by archaeologist (s) that it has valuable archaeology artifacts, the next thing to do is to rebuild the artifacts by builders and government.



Secondly, the professor makes (a)point outthat construction company should paid (should +be, pay) for the examinations for the site but not the government. It is a new way about （词汇用的太简单了！无法体现自己的牛~）financial support. Whereas the reading demonstrates that financial support is inadequate.



Thirdly, the passage states that archaeologists have difficult (have been difficult) to find a job. The lecture casts doubt on the idea that new guide line provides many archaeologists paid works, and it is (was) not exist (existing) before. The increased job opportunities have enlarged the number of archaeologist.



In conclusion, the statements in reading are contradicted by the professor with her idea. （最后不需要conclusion，整体架构不错，建议看些列子是怎么写的,每段可以多增加一些听力中的细节描述，有些小错误。多加练习吧！）

阿伦艾弗森

10月7 日独立We are now living a world which is pluralistic and harmonious. There are lots of contacts between different countries. Someone think that though our country has a good relationship with other countries, we should not share all our scientific discoveries with other country. However, I hold the opposite opinions in this issue with following reasons.


Firstly, human-being are suffered from diseases for a long time. There still remain many incurable diseases which will kill our lives for year by year such as aids, cancer, and so on so forth. So if one country find ways to cure these diseases, it will be a good news for people all of the world. We all want to know what can defeat these disgusting diseases immediately. However, if that country, which can cure diseases, don’t tell us ways to solve the problem. We may be anxious and it may lead more serious problems such as war because we want to use these functions to save lives in our country. It is selfish and inhuman for countries which don’t share the scientific improvement for other countries.

Secondly, something can not be handled by just one country. The toughest problem now we meet is environmental. The global warming, ice melting and greenhouse effect become severer than before. We have Copenhagen meeting in order to find how to deal with these problems. Some countries shared their plans to other countries in order to work together. If different countries use their own ways to solve the environmental problems, our global might be worse in the future. Also, sharing the ideas can help us to deal with the problem more quickly and efficiency.

Thirdly, countries should have a balance between each other. we can’t let a country be the most powerful and we can’t lead a country to be the poorest. Our countries need to develop together. One way is to share all the scientific discoveries so that our force balanced. If a country just try to make dangerous warriors and don’t tell other countries, it will become dangerous because we don’t know how fast their technique developed. Some terrorism will form and it is really dangerous for other countries.

In conclusion, I think sharing all scientific discoveries can help us save lives, work together and prevent terrorism from shaping.

阿伦艾弗森

10月7日综合TPO17

The reading passage mainly provides us with three points about the bad effects caused by human for birds; The professor deals with the same topic; however, she thinks that the reasons provided by reading is un convincing.

Firstly, the reading discusses that expanding human populations will have bad effect for birds’ habitats so that they will disappear. In contrast, the professor claims that urban will provide birds a better and larger habitat and some settlements even complain about the numbers of the birds. They can see pigeons on the streets and sometimes hawks and other animals can be found.

Secondly, the reading makes a point that agricultural growing will also deteriorate birds’ habitats. Whereas the professor demonstrates that in U.S, there are less land being use for agriculture. The production of crops increased result from a kind of new crops. They can provide more crops to eat.

Thirdly, the passage states that using chemical pesticide is another problem for habitats. The lecture casts doubt on the idea that people aware of that passed-pesticide is harmful for birds’ habitats so they think our two solutions: the first one is to develop new less toxic pesticide and the more important way is to grow more pest-resistance crops to reduce the need for chemical pesticides

shisuwang

10.7综合

The reading passage mainly provides us with three points about the bad effects caused by human for birds;(这里标点是不是直接用“.”好一点。)The professor deals with the same topic; however, she thinks that the reasons provided by reading is unconvincing.

Firstly, the reading discusses that expanding human populations will have bad effect for birds’ habitats so that they will disappear. In contrast, the professor claims that urban will provide birds a better and larger habitat and some settlements （dwellers） even complain about the increasednumbers of the birds. They can see pigeons on the streets and sometimes hawks and other animals can be found.

(此段应该写出听力反驳的逻辑，有些会减少，而有些会增加)

Secondly, the reading makes a point that agricultural growing will also deteriorate birds’ habitats. Whereas （， whereas）the professor demonstrates that in U.S, there are less land being use for agriculture. The production of crops increased result from a kind of new crops. They can provide more crops to eat.（此句与上句逻辑关系不明确，应在之前加上 This is because， 或之后加上， thus less new lands are needed for argriculture ）



Thirdly, the passage states that using chemical pesticide is another problem for habitats. The lecture casts doubt on the ideaand states that people now are aware of that passed-pesticide is harmful for birds’ habitats, and therefore they think out two solutions: the first one is to develop new less toxic pesticide and thesecond one,  amore important way, is to grow more pest-resistance crops to reduce the need for chemical pesticides.

阿伦， 我觉得你听力内容跟文章结构都蛮好的。在句子结构、句子间的逻辑上再注意下就好了，建议多用些连接词。

AnthonySummer

官方标准颜色：黄亮精彩，蓝色建议，红色错误。

姐姐你给我用绿色+黑色改看起来会比较吃力啊~

We are now living in a world which is pluralistic and harmonious. (一开始词用的不错) There are lots of contacts between different countries. Someone think that though our country has a good relationship with other countries, we should not share all our scientific discoveries with other country. However, I hold the opposite opinions in this issue with following reasons.


Firstly, human-being are suffered from diseases for a long time. There still remain many incurable diseases which will kill our lives for year by year such as aids, cancer, and so on so forth. So if one country find （finds） ways to cure these diseases, it will be a good news for people all of the world. （感觉这句话结构太简单了~整篇文章建议多使用一些复杂句，作文就是用来检查这个的，要不然怎么体现层次~）We all want to know what can defeat these disgusting diseases immediately. However, if that country, which can cure diseases, don’t tell us ways to solve the problem. We may be anxious and it may lead more serious problems such as war because we want to use these functions to save lives in our country. It is selfish and inhuman for countries which don’t share the scientific improvement for other countries.

Secondly, something cannot be handled by just one country. The toughest problem now we meet is environmental. The global warming, ice melting and greenhouse effect become severer than before. We have Copenhagen meeting in order to find how to deal with these problems.(感觉是Chinglish) Some countries shared their plans to （with）other countries in order to work together. If different countries use their （its, because “different” is singular）own ways to solve the environmental problems, our global （global，adj，should use globe）might be worse in the future. Also, （主语不清晰）sharing the ideas can help us to deal with the problem more quickly and efficiency. （quick and efficient）

Thirdly, countries should have a balance between each other. （Thirdly, each country should maintain an balance relationship）we （We ，capitalization）can’t let a country be the most powerful and we can’t lead a country to be the poorest.(说实话这句话没看懂) Our countries need to develop together. 简单句太多了！One way is to share all the scientific discoveries so that our force balanced (是形容词后置吗？感觉是 Chinese English，求指教~). If a country just try (tries) to make dangerous warriors and don’t tell other countries, it will become dangerous because we don’t know how fast their technique developed. Some terrorism will form and it is really dangerous for other countries.

In conclusion, I think sharing all scientific discoveries can help us save lives, work together and prevent terrorism from shaping.



例二：
再看这么两句话：I love a girl. This girl is outgoing.
有人从前一句收到启发，写出——I love a girl who is outgoing. 但是，我觉得更为“有效”的表达是I love an outgoing girl.
比较两者，为什么更短的后者更加有效？发出这个疑问的人没有掌握英语的美学标准——文章不在乎长，在乎字字珠玑，表达有效。还记得你知道为例一的定语从句所欢呼喝彩的原因么？原因是用了一个定语从句把累赘的两个girl精简为一个，使表达更加有效率。但是，其中的美学标准是“更加有效”，而不是“定语从句”。所以，你简单地利用定语从句对例二进行“修饰”，是得不到这种美的——因为这个例子里，定语从句本身就是一个累赘——一个简简单单的形容词就足够美了。
由此及彼，什么主语从句、宾语从句等等发杂的句子成分的目的不是使句子更长，而是使表达更加有效。
原文网址http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-712479-1-1.html