wsywsy1的作文贴，求改正求拍砖呐~

wsywsy1

求改正，求拍砖。。有很多不足。。

需要大家的帮忙，相互改正相互促进~谢谢

wsywsy1

It is much easier to achieve success with help from one’s family nowadays than before.



 Family plays an increasingly crucial role in one’s life, which is the foundation of a man’s growth. Recently, Chinese Achievement Association Community published a report that 71% celebrities have received assistances from their families. Admittedly, some of people are opposite of this view, they state that the impediment of success is family, for they declare that strong background will obstruct one’s self-discipline. I think the advantage is over weight the disadvantage. Success will come faster with the help of family, not only in the aspect of education, but also in emotion.
 Firstly, the members of family who work in the same field are substantial, they can point out the mistakes we have and provide some practical methods for us to follow. The elder among the family also have the larger life cycles than we have, and they can also introduce many professors who will help us a lot in the career. We will never reject the shortcut, right?
 Secondly, the strong supports of family can help a lot. We are easy to get stuck with troubles when we use some immature ways, and then depression will come. At that time, if some encouraging words are given, it is useful for us to relieve pressure. Success is on the way when we feel delighted and rekindle the morale. Being encouraged from family is never a bad move.
 Admittedly, there might be a drawback. A person will probably become less industrious because the advantageous background he has. But if the elder can educate the young in a more practical way, this do not prove to be a problem.
 In the conclusion, there is much easier for the man to success with the influence of family. So what we should do is to utilize the preponderance we have, and then the brighter future is waiting for us.

wsywsy1

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: movies and television have more negative effects than positive effects on the way young people behave.




When we simply turn on television, we can receive useful information immediately, when we are tired, it is a good idea to go to see a movie. Television and movies have already provided entertainment that we need to feel relaxed and happy in our leisure time. Television and movies can give many things. While consider the effects on the young, the disadvantages take precedent over the advantages, which has aroused debated among people.
 When we focus on this issue, we will easily to find out some horrible things, such as mimicry of rude behavior, less enthusiastic in academic work and loss of communication.
 Firstly, the immature children are often threatened by the bloody scenes, which is harmful to the mental development. In addition, after seeing a violent program, kids of little age are more likely to mime the behavior of characters. The survey provided by The Juvenile Crimes of China states that fifty percent of the kids who have tendency of violence acknowledged that they have watched criminal movies. One of the children named LiLu watches 10 bloody movies everyday.
 Secondly, because of loss of self-discipline, more and more students are addicted to television, while the most significant a student should do is to acquire knowledge. After losing adequate enthusiasm, the kids will not meet the demands of the academic work.
 Finally, the division will occur when the young are unwilling to communicate with each other. Building relationship needs a lot of time, however, deeply interested in program, the kids are tired to balance the relationships of life cycle. The aloof friendship will impede the kid’s development. If the children pay less attention to the television, they will have more chances to play with their friends.
 In the conclusion, the disadvantages are over weight the advantages. So we should put emphasize on the real world, and should not be addicted to the virtual world the televisions and movies give.

wsywsy1

Patience is not a good strategy, we should take action now rather than later



 Life is composed of innumerous options, so before making a decision, we should consider comprehensively.  some people put it “Look before your leap”. However, some people are opposite toward this attitude, for they claim that the ambitious man who takes action previously can acquire the opportunities, in addition, hardly a reason for us to wait. Effective action should be taken before appearing disaster. I am in favor of the later view.
 As we concern about pollution, however, patience will only lead to some undesirable results. For one thing, air pollution is threatening to the health of human, people will encounter some erratic disasters after having breathed polluted air. For another thing, water contamination is also detrimental to creatures, plants will die from the poisonous water. Without any useful measure, all the things are going to be worse. On the contrary, if some practical avenues can be provided, such as utility of clean energy which will not do harm to air or water, the rate of illness will be decline.
Let us focus on medical career. For example, Jefferson is a physician, which requires him to reflect immediately. Facing with the moment of life-and-death, Jefferson has no time to think over. Hesitation will only waste time, following an unexpected outcome.
 Admittedly, patience may be needed in some jobs, such as painters. The production a painter is working for requires so much time, for any color he uses might affect the beauty of picture. However, it does not prove to be a problem since the writer is sensitive to the utility of pigmentation, and then the mistaken will decrease.
 All in all, the disadvantages take precedent to the advantage. We will be easy to meet the demands of the success if we grasp the opportunities quickly. Hesitation can only lead to tragedy.

最后一次杀T

绿色需要修改 粉色为修改建议 红字新加单词
When we simply turn on the television, we can receive useful information immediately, when we are tired, it is a good idea to go to see a movie. Television and movies have already provided 【用become更贴切】entertainments that 【when 】we need to feel relaxed and happy in our leisure time.Television and movies can give many things.【And also, television and movies can offer us more.】 While being considered the effects on the young, the disadvantages take precedent over the advantages, which has aroused debated among people.【只有人能发出consider的动作，所以换成其他主语，consider都只能是被动；which只能指代逗号前面的名词；这句话语法问题略多，我试着改下吧While being considered the effects on the young, the issue that whether the disadvantages take precedent over the advantages has aroused debated among people. 】When we focus on this issue, we will easily to find out some horrible things, such as mimicry of rude behavior, less enthusiastic in academic work and loss of communication.

Firstly, the immature children are often threatened by the bloody scenes, which is harmful to the mental development. In addition, after seeing a violent program, kids of【in】 little age are more likely to mime the behavior of characters. The survey provided by The Juvenile Crimes of China states that fifty percent of the kids who have tendency of violence 【voilent tendency】acknowledged that they have watched criminal movies. One of the children named LiLu watches 10 bloody movies everyday.【最好说一下LILU后来怎样了，比如杀人犯罪了或者怎样，这样才能更好支持论点。】

Secondly, because of loss of 【the lack of】self-discipline, more and more students are addicted to television, while the most significant task a student should do is to acquire knowledge. After losing adequate enthusiasm, the kids will not meet the demands of the academic work.

Finally, the division will occur when the young are unwilling to communicate with each other. Building relationship needs a lot of time, however, deeply interested in television programs, the kids are tired to balance the relationships of life cycle. The aloof friendship will impede the kid’s development. If the children pay less attention to the television, they will have more chances to play with their friends.

In the conclusion, the disadvantages are over weight the advantages. So we should put emphasize on the real world, and should not be addicted to the virtual world the televisions and movies give. 【given by the television and movies.】


1，能看出来LZ童鞋很注意练习写大长句，但是需要注意长短结合。写长句的时候，不能为了长而长。首先要分析清楚哪个是主语，哪个是谓语，避免无主语，双谓语等错误。
2，词汇比较丰富，但是有一些同义词要注意替换，比如disadvantage可以替换成flaw
3，逻辑清晰，论点很好。如果能举例子来支持论点就更好了。

一点浅见，互相帮助

wsywsy1

总结，1，指代不明的问题，需要翻翻语法书。
          2，观点展开不够
一练才发现N多问题

wsywsy1

绿色需要修改 粉色为修改建议 红字新加单词
When we simply turn on the television, we can receive useful information immediately, when we are tired, it is a good idea to go to see a movie. Television and movies have already provided 【用become更贴切】entertainmentsthat 【when 】we need to feel relaxed and happy in our leisure time.Television and movies can give many things.【And also, television and movies can offer us more.】While being considered the effects on the young, the disadvantages take precedent over the advantages, which has aroused debated among people.【只有人能发出consider的动作，所以换成其他主语，consider都只能是被动；which只能指代逗号前面的名词；这句话语法问题略多，我试着改下吧While being considered the effects on the young, the issue that whether the disadvantages take precedent over the advantages has aroused debated among people. 】When we focus on this issue, we will easily to find out some horrible things, such as mimicry of rude behavior, less enthusiastic in academic work and loss of communication.

Firstly, the immature children are often threatened by the bloody scenes, which is harmful to the mental development. In addition, after seeing a violent program, kids of【in】 little age are more likely to mime the behavior of characters. The survey provided by The Juvenile Crimes of China states that fifty percent of the kids who have tendency of violence 【voilent tendency】acknowledged that they have watched criminal movies. One of the children named LiLu watches 10 bloody movies everyday.【最好说一下LILU后来怎样了，比如杀人犯罪了或者怎样，这样才能更好支持论点。】

Secondly, because of loss of 【the lack of】self-discipline, more and more students are addicted to television, while the most significant task a student should do is to acquire knowledge. After losing adequate enthusiasm, the kids will not meet the demands of the academic work.

Finally, the division will occur when the young are unwilling to communicate with each other. Building relationship needs a lot of time, however, deeply interested in television programs, the kids are tired to balance the relationships of life cycle. The aloof friendship will impede the kid’s development. If the children pay less attention to the television, they will have more chances to play with their friends.

In the conclusion, the disadvantages are over weight the advantages. So we should put emphasize on the real world, and should not be addicted to the virtual world the televisions and movies give.【given by the television and movies.】


1，能看出来LZ童鞋很注意练习写大长句，但是需要注意长短结合。写长句的时候，不能为了长而长。首先要分析清楚哪个是主语，哪个是谓语，避免无主语，双谓语等错误。
2，词汇比较丰富，但是有一些同义词要注意替换，比如disadvantage可以替换成flaw
3，逻辑清晰，论点很好。如果能举例子来支持论点就更好了。

一点浅见，互相帮助

-- by 会员 最后一次杀T (2012/10/3 20:50:41)

谢谢亲帮改，经你这么一说我才发现自己的问题，

嗯嗯，看来我要多练练才行，语法方面确实有点模糊，我得回去恶补啦

再次谢谢亲哦~

阿伦艾弗森

蓝色为修改内容，绿色为需要修改的句子。
Life is composed of innumerous options, so before making a decision, we should consider comprehensively.  （这样插入有点怪，你看如果变成life is composed of innumerous options, so we should consider deeply before we make decisions.是不是更简洁些）some people put it “Look before your leap”. However, some people are（have oppisite opinions）opposite toward this attitude, for they claim that the ambitious man who takes action previously（这个词用于仓促的讲的用法好像很少见，查了一下，例句也不多，建议用immediately）can acquire the opportunities, in addition, hardly a reason for us to wait.（上一句过长，逻辑关系不太清楚） Effective action should be taken before appearing disaster. (可数名次)I am in favor of the later view.
As we concern about pollution, however, patience will only lead to some undesirable results. (如果次句开头的as做正如讲的话，是个Prep,句子里就多了个谓语。做因为讲的话，句意怪怪的)For one thing, air pollution is threatening to the health of human,（human's health 简洁原则）(缺连词)people will encounter some erratic disasters after having breathed polluted air. For another thing, water contamination is also detrimental to creatures, (缺连词)plants will die from the poisonous water. Without any useful measure,（我觉得用strategies 更好） all the things are going to be worse. On the contrary, if some practical avenues(我觉得用ways更好，avenue多表大街，林荫道)can be provided, such as utility of clean energy which will not do harm to air or water, （连词）the rate of illness will be decline.
Let us focus on medical career. （……最好能加一些第二个观点的解释说明）For example, Jefferson is a physician, which（who）requires him(himself)to reflect immediately. Facing with the moment of life-and-death, Jefferson has no time to think over. Hesitation will only waste time, following an unexpected outcome.逻辑主语发不出following的动作，建议改成hesitation is just a waste of time and will bring an unexpexted outcome
第二段例子的时态我觉得用过去式会好些。！

Admittedly, patience may be needed in some jobs, such as painters. The production a painter is working for requires so much time, （没看懂这句话啥意思） for any color he uses might affect the beauty of picture. However, it does not prove to be a problem since the writer is sensitive to the utility of pigmentation, and then the mistaken will decrease. （不好意思，这段没看懂你想表达什么意思）
All in all, the disadvantages take precedent to the advantage.（这句话有点小跑题） We will be easy to meet the demands of the success if we grasp the opportunities quickly. Hesitation can only lead to tragedy. （tragedy 这个词有点大了，而且你没有用这篇文章去完全证明犹豫会导致悲剧）

1、注意连词的使用。
2、表示因为的连词有许多，你惯用for,其实在语法中because 更好，而且可以尝试使用其他表因为的词。
3、第二、三自然段前可以加一些表逻辑的关联词
4、不好意思，第四段我没读懂！~

一点拙见，希望能够互相进步！~

wsywsy1

谢谢阿伦童鞋的指教，
jefferson is a physician,which..我想说明的是j是医生这件事要求了他立马做决定。。which引导的非限制定语从句。。
第四段我想说的是，耐心也被需要的时候，例如说画家，但是事实上画家可以不需要耐心去画画，如果他对颜色很敏感就很少会出现差错。。好像是有点乱。。因为到后面我觉得不削弱耐心的重要性ms不太对。。然后就编了个生硬的理由。。。
还有following的问题。我真心忽略了主谓，只想放个非谓语动词神马的。。表示原因的连词我只知道because和for.。。我回去补补。。
再次谢谢阿伦童鞋指出了我的问题，对我很有用。。谢谢。。

wsywsy1

The best way to increase students’ interest in a subject is to teach them the significant of the subject outside of school.




The survey made by the Students’ Education of China(SEC) claims that more and more students are losing avid in class, And then how to attract pupils has become a hot topic among people. Some of the people state that the best way to increase students’ interest in a subject is to tell them the importance of subject in the society.

Admittedly, teaching the students the significance of outside world is very crucial, and it may pique students’ interests in the subjects. Provided another access to learn the subjects, students may be interested in the class. However, I think that these people overstate the function of outside of school and underestimate the importance of class. And there is also a drawback. Pouring a mess of time into outside world, the pupils will be more likely to distract their attention from class.

There are two useful measures for us to follow:

For one thing, hiring prestigious professor can be a useful way. Admiring celebrities, the students are willing to study the subjects Therefore, if the school hires some famous professors, the students will be interested in the subjects. For instance, Lee is a student who used to be less avid in math. However, he rekindles his morale after having a class given by a famous mathematician. Hiring a celebrity is never a bad move.



For another thing, adopting new teaching method, teachers will be easy to catch students’ eyes. Students often claim that the class is boring, because they cannot accept the way used by teacher. For instance, Anna is a student who often falls asleep in the class because she finds the dullness of math scarcely bearable. What about do some changes in the teaching methods? Teaching students in a more interesting way, such as playing a game in class, will be effective.

We can not simply say that highlighting the importance of subject outside of school is the best way. Only when all of the features are taken into considerations, can we solve the problem easily.