Angelafeng的写作贴~~请多多指教！

xiumu2280

With the improvement of the life quality, more and more people are concerned about the health problem. People do many things/make efforts to remain their health. Some go for a healthy diet, other recommend exercise, and the rest think that reduce/reducing stress is important. But in my view, keep exercise in our daily life can make us healthier.


Exercise is very important for one to improve health. Nowadays people often make a lot of excuses for not do exercise/exercise(这样就可以了吧,not 感觉没必要）. Some have time problem, some have physical problem, some have space problem. But take a few minutes every day to do some exercise can make lots of differences. For example, after work you can walk to home instead driving your car. Walking is the easiest exercise. In recent years, walking becomes a popular sport, especially in big cities. Walking not only can improve health, but also can relieve the traffic congestion. Spend/spending a few minute/minutes on exercising will make/makes lots of differences.

Furthermore, exercise can help people lose weight. Nowadays, an increasing number of modern people are facing a big problem of obesity. This is due to their unhealthy diet. Most young people like to eat in fast food restaurants. But if people do some exercise every day, overweight will not be a serious problem. (应该用过去式吧）In summer holidays, I eat so much ice-creams and fried foods. I am afraid that I will become very fat at the end of this summer holidays. So every evening I do Yoga. Yoga can help me keep in shape and also can relax out of this stress full life.(这段没什么错误，但是全是简单句，看看有没有可以连在一起的）

Do/doing exercise is the most economical and practical way to keep healthy. Some people may buy several health products to remain healthy. If we can save this amount of money, however, we can buy a lot of other more voluble/valuable things. Do some exercises every day has the same effect on health as eat health products.

In general do exercise has a lot of advantages in keeping our health. But we should note that exercise is not a one day program, do exercises/当运动讲时是不可数~我当时也忽略这个了 every day make us a better life.

感觉事例扩展不够啊，举个例子什么的
句式变化要多  简单句太普遍了
我水平也很凹 好多不知道改的对不对

angelafeng

With the improvement of the life quality, more and more people are concerned about the health problem. People do many things/make effortsto remain their health. Some go for a healthy diet, other recommend exercise, and the rest think that reduce/reducing stress is important. But in my view, keep exercise in our daily life can make us healthier.


Exercise is very important for one to improve health. Nowadays people often make a lot of excuses for not doexercise/exercise(这样就可以了吧,not 感觉没必要）. Some have time problem, some have physical problem, some have space problem. But take a few minutes every day to do some exercise can make lots of differences. For example, after work you can walk to home instead driving your car. Walking is the easiest exercise. In recent years, walking becomes a popular sport, especially in big cities. Walking not only can improve health, but also can relieve the traffic congestion. Spend/spending a few minute/minutes on exercising will make/makes lots of differences.

Furthermore, exercise can help people lose weight. Nowadays, an increasing number of modern people are facing a big problem of obesity. This is due to their unhealthy diet. Most young people like to eat in fast food restaurants. But if people do some exercise every day, overweight will not be a serious problem. (应该用过去式吧）In summer holidays, I eat so much ice-creams and fried foods. I am afraid that I will become very fat at the end of this summer holidays.So every evening I do Yoga. Yoga can help me keep in shape and also can relax out of this stress full life.(这段没什么错误，但是全是简单句，看看有没有可以连在一起的）

Do/doing exercise is the most economical and practical way to keep healthy. Some people may buy several health products to remain healthy. If we can save this amount of money, however, we can buy a lot of other more voluble/valuable things. Do some exercises every day has the same effect on health as eat health products.

In general do exercise has a lot of advantages in keeping our health. But we should note that exercise is not a one day program, do exercises/当运动讲时是不可数~我当时也忽略这个了 every day make us a better life.

感觉事例扩展不够啊，举个例子什么的
句式变化要多  简单句太普遍了
我水平也很凹 好多不知道改的对不对

-- by 会员 xiumu2280 (2012/9/25 13:17:50)

O(∩_∩)O谢谢修改，还是例子的问题啊。。。
继续改进

angelafeng

O(∩_∩)O哈哈~今天的字数有440~~我终于过4啦~~
【9.25独立】People who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group.

When it comes to be successful at working in a group, people think that accept the criticism from other is necessary. Other argues that opposite is true. There is probably some truth to both argument, but as far as I am concerned, accept the criticism from others is important not only in teamwork, but also in our whole life.

Nowadays, as the development of the society and industry, an increasing number of jobs require that people should work well in a group. In a company, communication and teamwork is more and more important among workers because a worker cannot do his/her work properly without interacting with his supervisor and colleagues. It is necessary for a person who wants to be successful in his or her life to work well in a team. How to be successful at working in a group? Working in a group, correct and high quality of the work, group utility and personal growth, all of these are needed the ability to accept the criticism from others.

Accept other persons’ criticism can help people improve themselves. Work well in a group, we have to talk with other group members, through these conversations we can not only share our viewpoints of work problems but also learn the merits from each other to make up our drawbacks. It is little doubt that improvements of our own self can get the whole group to grow. Take a computer system for example, it comprises of hardware, operating system and software, which are manufactured separately by different companies. Not one single company can accomplish a computer system without using products and technologies from other companies.

Accept the criticism from others is helpful in correcting the defects in the work. We cannot guarantee that everything in our work is perfect, but we can make efforts to better these weaknesses. Learn from others is a good way to gain a best result. Besides, accept criticism bravely can make the working atmosphere better because other members in the group will be more willing to respond your questions and problems. For example, I have a very good personal relationship in my class. The large part of reason, I think, is that I am willing to accept all the reasonable criticism from my classmates.

In conclusion, I think the most important quality in a work environment is the ability to work with others in a team. And bravely accept the bad word from your work members is key factor to success in a working group. Discard all conceit, and always be prepared tolearnhumbly from thepeoplearoundyou — you will be the one to benefit!

chunte20

When it comes to be successful at working in a group,people think that accept the criticism from others isnecessary. Others argues that opposite is true. There is probably some truth to bothargument, but as far as I am concerned, accept the criticism from others isimportant not only in teamwork, (好像不用逗號)but alsoin our whole life.

Nowadays, as the development of thesociety and industry, anincreasing number of jobs require that people should work well in a group. In acompany, communication and teamwork is are more and more important among workers because a workercannot do his/her work properly without interacting with his supervisor andcolleagues. It is necessaryfor a person who wants to be successful in his or her life to work well in ateam. How to be successful at working in a group? Working in a group, correctand high quality of the work, grouputility(這意思是?) andpersonal growth, all of these are needed the ability to accept the criticismfrom others.

Accept other persons’ criticism can help people improvethemselves. Work well in a group, we have to talk with other group members,through these conversations we can not only share our viewpoints of workproblems but also learn the merits from each other to make up our drawbacks. It is little doubt that improvementsof our own self can get the whole group to grow. Take a computer system forexample, it comprises of hardware, operating system and software, which aremanufactured separately by different companies. Not one single company canaccomplish a computer system without using products and technologies from othercompanies.(例子似乎連接不上，前面是說每個人要提升，後面例子說的是要合作。)


Accept the criticism from others is helpful in correctingthe defects in the work. We cannot guarantee that everything in our work isperfect, but we can make efforts to better these weaknesses. Learn from othersis a good way to gain a best(thebest 是不是固定用法?) result.Besides, accept criticism bravely can make the working atmosphere betterbecause other members in the group will be more willing to respond yourquestions and problems. Forexample, I have a very good personal relationship in my class. The large partof reason, I think, is that I am willing to accept all the reasonable criticismfrom my classmates. (似乎又覺得例子與主題句有點脫節，主題句說找到缺點和改善工作氛圍，例子說的可以有好的關係。)


In conclusion, I think that the mostimportant quality in a work environment is the ability to work with others in ateam. And bravely accepting the bad word from your work members is key factor tosuccess in a working group. If you discard all conceit, and always be prepared to learn humblyfrom the people around you — you will be the one to benefit!
1.可能要查一下other ,the other ,others的相關用法

2.覺得例子與主題句有點沒搭上。(我自己也有這問題，不太確定是不是我理解錯誤，哈哈)
3.我程度也不太好，無法像某些大牛們，直接改寫或是給更好的寫法建議，請見諒。

我自己程度也不太好
若有錯改的地方，請告訴我
讓我也進步，一起學習
感謝

angelafeng

首先，谢谢chunte的修改~~~

先说一下other，the other， others 的用法：
1.other可作形容词或代词，做形容词时意思是“别的，其他”，泛指其他的（人或物）”
2.the other指两个人或物中的一个时，只能用the other，不能用another，此时的other作代词
3.others是other的复数形式，泛指“另外几个”，“其余的”。在句中可作主语、宾语。
所以我文中的others和other好像没有用错啊，呵呵

然后我做了修改

When it comes to be successful at working in a group, people think that accept the criticism from others is necessary. Other people argue that opposite is true. There is probably some truth to both argument, but as far as I am concerned, accept the criticism from others is important not only in teamwork but also in our whole life.

Nowadays, as the development of the society and industry, an increasing number of jobs require that people should work well in a group. In a company, communication and teamwork are more and more important among workers because a worker cannot do his/her work properly without interacting with his supervisor and colleagues. It is necessary for a person who wants to be successful in his or her life to work well in a team. How to be successful at working in a group? Working in a group, correct and high quality of the work, group unity and personal growth, all of these are needed the ability to accept the criticism from others.

Accept other persons’ criticism can help people improve themselves. Work well in a group, we have to talk with other group members, through these conversations we can not only share our viewpoints of work problems but also learn the merits from each other to make up our drawbacks. It is little doubt that improvements of our own self can get the whole group to grow. Take a computer system for example, it comprises of hardware, operating system and software, which are manufactured separately by different companies. Not one single company can accomplish a computer system without using products and technologies from other companies. If one part of this computer system can upgrade its quality then the whole system may have a big improvement.

Accept the criticism from others is helpful in correcting the defects in the work. We cannot guarantee that everything in our work is perfect, but we can make efforts to better these weaknesses. Learn from others is a good way to gain a best result. Besides, accept criticism bravely can make the working atmosphere better because other members in the group will be more willing to respond your questions and problems. For example, I have a very good personal relationship in my class. The large part of reason, I think, is that I am willing to accept all the reasonable criticism from my classmates.

In conclusion, I think that the most important quality in a work environment is the ability to work with others in a team. And bravely accept the bad word from your work members is key factor to success in a working group. If you discard all conceit, and always be prepared to learn humbly from the people around you — you will be the one to benefit!

angelafeng

今天进步到510啦，尊高兴~~

9.26
Some jobs can pay high salaries but require employees to leave their family and friends. Some jobs pay few salaries but allow staying with family and friend. Which do you like

There is a general debate nowadays about the problem of chose a job. Some people may choose a job that has high salaries but require employees to leave their family and friends. Other people may choose the opposite choice that a job has fewer salaries but allow staying with family and friend. As far as I am concerned, however, I would rather choose a job that can give me high salary, even if I would leave my family and my friends. I would like to further illustrate my reasons as follows:

First and foremost reason is that high salary job can offer me a better life. Now I am a poor student. I need to pay for my tuition which is very high. I also have to pay for the rental of the rooms, the transportation fees, the books, the clothes and even the meals. All these seem to be a heavy burden to me. And I really want to make efforts to give my family a high quality life. I always have a dream is to buy a huge house with garden and swimming pool and to buy an expensive car. Being a highly motivated person, I have confidence in my ability to make my dream come true. So, I have to look for a job that can offer me a high salary.



Furthermore, my family and friend hope me have a bright future. As long as I can realize the value of life, they do not mind my work location will far away from them. As the development of transportation and information science technology, the distance between people is greatly less than before. We can use e-mail, the innovative way of writing letters because of the Internet, to send letters to our friends and family for communicating our feelings with each other and showing the support, understanding and love. So much miss with each other that we want to have a good time with my relatives or my friends. Aircraft can take us go back to our hometown to get together with them. Therefore, distance is not a problem.



What is more, high salary jobs usually accompany with higher work pressure and more challenged work difficulties than those of lower salary jobs. But, it is no doubt that this kind of jobs can offer me great opportunities to learn much more professional knowledge and valuable work experience. For example, government officers have jobs that they can easy handle, whereas IT specialists always have so much tough works to do every day. As you know, IT specialists get salaries highly higher than those of government officers. The one significant factor is that IT specialists should under much more stress than government officers. As the saying goes, “no pain, no gain”.



In conclusion, choose a job that has a high salary can give people not only a high quality life but also the chance to embrace the bright future. Only if you really care about your family and friends, they will always support you to complete your value of life.

bonnenuit

There is a general debate nowadays about the problem of chose（choosing) a job. Some people may choose a job that has high salaries but requires employees to leave their family and friends. Other people may choose the opposite choice that a job has fewer salaries but allows staying with family and friend. As far as I am concerned, however, I would rather choose a job that can give me high salary, even if I would leave my family and my friends. I would like to further illustrate my reasons as follows:




First and foremost reason is that high salary job can offer me a better life. Now I am a poor student. I need to pay for my tuition which is very high. I also have to pay for the rental of the rooms, the transportation fees, the books, the clothes and even the meals. All these seem to be a heavy burden to me. And I really want to make efforts to give my family a (a去掉，life 指生活的话是不可数）high quality life. I always have a dream is（is前面加that,或者去掉is） to buy a huge house with garden and swimming pool and to buy an expensive car. Being（being 换as更好） a highly motivated person, I have confidence in my ability to make my dream come true. So, I have to look for a job that can offer me a high salary.



Furthermore, my family and friend hope me have a bright future. As long as I can realize the value of life, they do not mind （that)my work location will (be)far away from them. As the development of transportation and information science technology, the distance between people is greatly less than before. We can use e-mail, the innovative way of writing because of the Internet, to send letters to our friends and family for communicating our feelings with each other and showing the support, understanding and love. So much miss (从从未见过miss表示思念的时候是可以作名词的，真是长见识了！）with each other that we want to have a good time with my relatives or my friends. Aircraft can take us go back to our hometown to get together with them. Therefore, distance is not a problem.



What is more, high salary jobs usually accompanys with higher(压力大不能用high，要有great） work pressure and more challenged（challenging） work（work就不要了吧，前面那个也是） difficulties than those of lower salary jobs. But, it is no doubt（有it is no doubt的吗！！！是there is no doubt!!!!) that this kind of jobs can offer me great opportunities to learn much more professional knowledge and valuable work(这个也撤了吧） experience. For example, government officers have jobs that they can easy（easily） handle, whereas IT specialists always have so much tough works to do every day. As you know（（as you know还是as we all know), IT specialists get salaries highly higher than those of government officers. The one significant factor is that IT specialists should under much more stress than government officers(do). As the saying goes, “no pain, no gain”.



In conclusion, choose a job that has a high salary can give people not only a high quality life but also the chance to embrace the bright future. Only if you really care about your family and friends, they will always support you to complete your value of life.


不想打击LZ
LZ即使字数写了1000 这样的作文也上不了20分
语法错误太多 句式太简单 太口语化
还有很多方面有待提高啊！！加油！！多背单词  词组 多看看语法是你目前要做的！！！

angelafeng

额。。。。。不过还是谢谢你的批改，继续努力

有几个地方要说明一下：
1）Being（LS认为用as比being更好，但我认为as这种说法太普遍反而不好，而且我这个句子是学习的新东方的例句） a highly motivated person, I have confidence in my ability to make my dream come true.

2）What is more, high salary jobs usually accompanys（这里主语是jobs，LS你认为应该用单数动词accompanys 吗）with higher(LS还认为压力大应该用great而不是high，我专门查过字典压力大确实应该用high） work pressure and more challenging difficulties than those of lower salary jobs.

例如：
Youhearmoreaboutpeopletakingearlyretirement or giving uphigh pressurejobs in favour ofoccupations with shorterworking hours.

你比过去更常听到人们谈论早早退休，谈论放弃压力大的工作去从事工作时间短的工作。
3）But, it is no doubt（LS还认为没有it is no doubt的用法，你没见过的不意味着就没有，字典里也确实有这个用法) that this kind of jobs can offer me great opportunities to learn much more professional knowledge and valuable experience.

例如："It is no doubtthatDaw Aung San Suu Kyi has committed a cover up of thetruth in her failure toreportanillegalimmigranttothe authorities concerned," said Aye Myint
他说：“毫无疑问，昂山素季女士没有向有关当局报告一名非法移民的情况，试图掩盖事实真相。


这几个地方LS搞错了，其他LS指出的的一些错误我都接受。

angelafeng

今天写每个句子都有推敲，力求摒弃掉口语式的英语，但是真的花了好长时间。。。

9.28
Do you agree with the viewpoint that people are now easier to become educated than in the past?

Education is one of the key words of our time. With the increasing awareness of the importance of education as well as the growing amount of educational resources, I maintain that people are now easier to become education than in the past.I would like to further illustrate my reasons as follows:

First and foremost, as society developed, education becomes a vital factor for countries who want to promote their international competitiveness. An increasing number of countries are willing to give money to develop their educational institutes. In the past, not all students were able to become educated, but nowadays government fund universities and colleges to make sure almost every student can afford the tuition and get education. Universities also offer teachers excellent conditions to attract more and more intellectuals engaging in educational fields. High quality facilities have been equipped by universities in order to encourage students to improve their practical ability in all kinds of scientific researches. Consequently, in modern society, education has become easier accessible.

Furthermore, with the development of technology, one of the most important inventions--Internet has greatly changed our life, especially the education. Various open courses and learning materials available on the Internet that people obtain knowledge easier than before. As a university student, I can benefit a lot form the online education. For instance, when I prepared for the new TOEFL, I took an online course on the website of New Oriental, a famous educational institution in China. Taking this course, I need not to go to the institution but rather watch the radio of the course online whenever and wherever I want. Therefore, in my opinion, people have more opportunities to be educated today than in the past.

What is more, nowadays the awareness of education has also been dramatically increased on account of a good education background is beneficial to all of us. A man without an education, many of us believe, is an unfortunate victim of adverse circumstances, deprived of one of the greatest twentieth-century opportunities. Under a heavy influence of the global economic crisis, unemployment rate has been significantly increased. Most people may notice that it is very hard to find a good job. But, a person with a master degree or doctoral degree may have much more opportunities than that person with bachelor’s degree to get an ideal job. So, the fierce competition in today’s world serves as a motivation to encourage people to receive better education.

Of course, I do not deny that people in the past focused more on study than us because they barely have things distract their attention, such as playing computer games or chatting online. However, most of students who want to get better grades can restrain themselves. So, in summary, with the development of society and technology as well as increasing awareness of education, people surely get education easier than people in the past.

Iszy

9.28
Do you agree with the viewpoint that people are now easier to become educated than in the past?

Education is one of the key words of our time.（这个不妥，如果翻译过来就是“教育是我们时间的关键词之一”,"our time"一般不表示“我们的时代”的意思，考虑：Education is one of cruicial compositions of the society） With the increasing awareness of the importance of education as well as the growing amount of educational resources, I maintain that people are now easier to become education （educated） than in the past.I would like to further illustrate my reasons as follows:

First and foremost, as society developed（这里无论是表被动或是过去时，都不太合适，“社会一直在发展”：as the society has been developing) , education becomes a vital factor for countries (become的时态不对，可改为：has already become) who want to promote their international competitiveness. An increasing number of countries are willing to give money to develop their educational institutes. In the past, not all students were able to become educated, but nowadays government fund universities and colleges to make sure almost every student can afford the tuition and get education. Universities also offer teachers excellentconditions to attract more and more intellectuals engaging in educational fields. High quality facilities have been equipped by universities in order to encourage students to improve their practical ability in all kinds of scientific researches. Consequently, in modern society, education has become easier accessible.

Furthermore, with the development of technology, one of the most important inventions--Internet has greatly changed our life, especially the education. Various open courses and learning materials available on the Internet that people obtain knowledge easier than before. As a university student, I can benefit a lot form the online education. For instance, when I prepared for the new TOEFL, I took an online course on the website of New Oriental, a famous educational institution in China. Taking this course, I need not to go to the institution but rather watch the radio （video?) of the course online whenever and wherever I want. Therefore, in my opinion, people have more opportunities to be educated today than in the past.

What is more, nowadays the awareness of education has also been dramatically increased on account of a good education background is beneficial to all of us ("on account of "后不接句子，只接名词或名词性短语；可改为：on account  of a good education background which is beneficial to all of us) . A man without an education, many of us believe( widely considered), is an unfortunate victim of adverse circumstances(这句好像不太合适，没有接受教育有很多因素，不一定是不利环境的受害者）, deprived of one of the greatest twentieth-century opportunities（觉得有点怪怪滴~）. Under a heavy influence of the global economic crisis, unemployment rate has been significantly increased. Most people may notice that it is very hard to find a good job. But, a person with a master degree or doctoral degree may have much more opportunities than that person with bachelor’s degree to get an ideal job. So, the fierce competition in today’s world serves as a motivation to encourage people to receive better education.

Of course,（Admittedly, of course 貌似没有让步的意思) I do not deny that people in the past focused more on study than us because they barely have(拥有） things distract （to distract) their attention, such as playing computer games or chatting online. However, most of students who want to get better grades can restrain themselves （这句似乎没有很支撑你想要表达的意思）. So, in summary, with the development of society and technology as well as increasing awareness of education, people surely get education easier than people （who，不然就重复了） in the past.

总结：
1、整体读完后，对分论点的印象有，但有点模糊，可能2点原因
（1）段首句问题。尤其是第一个分论点，貌似真正的分论点句在第二句，这会影响考官对关键信息的获取。
      最好，能在段首句的前半部分出中心。
（2）例子有点散，感觉每部分都举了几个例子，但没有特别具体的。

2、让步段的反驳可以更好

3、有一些小地方表述时可以更好

4、结构还是不错的，看得出来，楼主很勤奋，写作水平一直在提高中~~~~一起加油吧！