朽木 作文贴~~ 求指导 求猛攻 已然火烧眉毛了

xiumu2280

TPO6
听力有点差 ， 有的地方很模糊
The reading passage focuses on the subject that the communal online encyclopedia has several disadvantages compared with the traditional encyclopedias. The professor's lecture deals with the opposite issue, which challenges what the reading states. And in the listening material, she use three specific points to support her view.
First of all, even though the reading passage suggests that the communal online encyclopedia usually lack academic credentials which make the material fault in some way. The professor makes the point that the normal encyclopedias also have mistakes, and the online one can fix the fault more efficient than the traditional one, which means the online encyclopedia performs better than the printed encyclopedias in the update area. The professor's statement disproves its counterpart in the reading.
Moreover, contrary to the statement shown in the reading that the data of the online encyclopedias can be changed by everyone who own the correct original entry. The professor contends that experts put two methods into protecting the online data from dangerous. One is the original data is safety enough and not everyone can change the basic format. The other is they has special staff to secure the safety of the data.
Finally, another important perspective mentioned in the listening material is that the online encyclopedias offer  more divers and interesting contents. But the reading hold a entirely conflicting idea that the new one creates a false priority impression of the topics.The professor proves that the claim is specious by pointing out that the online one provides various and funny topics to people and no need to worry about the space which the problem old one must to face.  

dreamcece

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

The reading passage focuses on the subject that the communal online encyclopedia has several disadvantages compared with the traditional encyclopedias. The professor's lecture deals with 感觉用holds opposite opinion 比较好 the opposite issue, which challenges what the reading states. And in the listening material, she use three specific points to support her view.
First of all, even though the reading passage suggests that the communal online encyclopedia usually lacks academic credentials which make the material fault in some way. The professor makes the point that the normal encyclopedias also have mistakes, and the online one can fix the fault more efficient than the traditional one, which means the online encyclopedia performs better than the printed encyclopedias in the update area. 这句话太长了，建议分开；而且在听力原文中，这是两个点，（complete correct cannot be found either on/off line; the important point for online encyclopedia is that they can be corrected any time.）所以最好分成两句话写The professor's statement disproves its counterpart in the reading.
Moreover, contrary to the statement shown in the reading that the data of the online encyclopedias can be changed by everyone who own the correct original entry. The professor contends that experts put two methods into protecting the online data from dangerous. 这句话逻辑不是特别清晰，Lecturer并没有contratry to the point,而是说这个顾虑不应该是问题，因为blabla；其次，如果照楼主的表达，这两句应该和在一起，因为前一句结构不完整（contratry to...），仅能作为一个分句。 One is the original data is safety enough and not everyone can change the basic format. The other is they has special staff to secure the safety of the data.
Finally, another important perspective mentioned in the listening material is that the online encyclopedias offer  more divers and interesting contents. But the reading hold a entirely conflicting idea that the new one creates a false priority impression of the topics.The professor proves that the claim is specious by pointing out that the online one provides various and funny topics to people and no need to worry about the space which the problem old one must to face. 这一个点感觉楼主是听明白了，但是没有把听到的细节摆出来，或者说是表达得不清晰，反而花了很多句式在模板上，有效信息不多。其次，这一个点有两个分论点，第一论点被第一句话一代而过，有点欠缺（because of the print encyclopedia has limited space, so they have to decide which is important or not; however, the judgement to one topic from the academic group members may be biased/ not reflect the great interest of people. ）;第二个论点是online encyclopedia没有limited space这个困扰，而且它的variety正是它的优势。楼主把主要区别：Limited space这个点听到了，但是细节论证差异上面做的不够。
总结：感觉上来说，楼主的语法大问题没有。
这一次主要纠内容上面的问题：1、 细节不全，或者表达有误。2、套用模板导致有效信息太少。3、 每个点的论证上面细节链不充分，而且没有把原文中每个小点间论证的关键找到，所以可能在内容的全面性上和正确性上会被扣分。
well, open to discuss.

xiumu2280

十分感谢，我的确是用的模板。差的太多了··
看来以前是走近误区了

xiumu2280

11月29日
独立：Your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.



With the booming of the society,  job gradually affects our individual emotion in an increasing number of various measures. The job occupies more and more time in the present life. So, it cannot be denied the fact that job has more effect on the happiness than the social life does. Three points in different dimensions will be explained to testify my view.
First of all, Job costs much more percentage of our energy, like time and emotion. We have barely time to deal with other issue with full vigour. To take myself for example. I normally need to stay in the office about ten hours one day and must spare no effort on everything. In the purpose of achieving high performance, I usually work for additional five hours one week. After the entire day, all I want is sleeping on the bed and saying nothing. This case is not rare, and in reality many of my friends need to refer to the same matter at the same time. In that situation, we hardly own the so-called social life and the social life cannot affect our happiness.
Moreover, the level of our life mostly depends on the salary of the job, in other words, without the job we cannot live in the comfortable department or buy the delicious food. No one can perfectly adapt to the life without money. According to a recent psychological research showed that only when we solve the problem of food and habitat we can deal with the emotional enjoyment, in brief, a hungry man does not own happiness in mind. In general, the money offered by the job is the basement of the happiness.
Finally, The brilliant achievement made in the job is also the source of happiness. A man needs some proofs in his career to proves his ability. That absolutely brings happiness to individuals. The achievement is the milestone in the life. It also represents the hard-work and effort we have ever did. No one wants to work without payment. In this way the job obviously contributes to the happiness.
Admittedly, the social life can influence our happiness in some certain extent. Actually, the advantages of social life pale in comparison to the benefits of the job. In addition, I therefore stick to my viewpoint that job greatly affects the happiness.

正儿八经潜水

11月29日 独立修改
Your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.

With the booming of the society, job gradually affects our individual emotion in an increasing number of various measures(感觉有些啰嗦，简洁点更好). The job occupies more and more time in the present life. So, it cannot be denied the fact that（好句型，学习了）job has more effect on the happiness than the social life does. Three points in different dimensions will be explained to testify my view.


First of all, Job costs much more percentage of our energy, like time and emotion. We have barely notime to deal with other issues with full vigour. To take myself for example, I normally need to stay in the office about ten hours one day and must spare no effort on everythingin the work. In For the purpose of achieving higher performance, I usually work for additional five hours one every week. After the entire day(表达有问题感觉，直接用After work), all I want is sleeping on the a bed and saying doingnothing. This case is not rare, and in reality many of my friends need to refer to the same matter at the same time(同时处理同样的事？有点过分地用短语的意思，直接说朋友们也处于这样的状况). In that situation, we hardly own the so-called social life and the social life cannot affect our happiness.


Moreover, the level of our life mostly depends on the salary of the job, in other words, without the job we cannot live in the comfortable department or buy the delicious food. No one can perfectly adapt to the life without money. According to a recent psychological research, itshows that only when we solve the problem of food and habitatwe can wedeal with the emotional enjoyment. In brief, a hungry man does not own happiness in mind. In general, the money offered by the job is the basement of the happiness.(最好说一下social life不能带来money，对幸福影响不大)


Finally, The brilliant achievement made in the job is also the source of happiness. A man needs some proofs in his career to proves his ability. That absolutely brings happiness to individuals.（这句应该放到接下来两句后面，不然显得后面的都跑题了）The achievement is the milestone in the life. It also represents the hard-work and effort we have ever did. No one wants to work without payment.（这里简单说一下social life不能带来这样的幸福感，题目中是比较的，千万要切题） In this way the job obviously contributes moreto the happiness.


Admittedly（不要说公认地，这只是你个人的看法）, the social life can influence our happiness in some certain extent. Actually, the advantages of social life pale in comparison to the benefits of the job. （这句换一下，不要说优势，工作对幸福感影响更大，但不一定是好的影响，比如你第一个论点）In addition, I therefore stick to my viewpoint that job greatly affects the happiness.



你喜欢用新颖的词和短语，但一定不要偏离原来的意思，反而出现中式英文的现象。

加油！

xiumu2280

哥们 ~错了 ··你不是改我的····谢谢了···

正儿八经潜水

纳尼。。。我怎么老干这种事。。。我是女的我看了下，过六点了，我的修改对象还未上传，无压力

xiumu2280

e ~不好意思啊··这么称呼别人习惯了··

xiumu2280

11月30
独立：Disagree or agree: It is impossible to be completely honest with your friend.

Agree
Honest may hurt the friendship
Disagree
Honest in the essential quality
Honest is good for our friendship
When i was i child, i was taught to be honest to others
10:46
With the booming of the society, the competition among individuals become more and more sharp. Therefore, being absolutely honest with friends seems an impossible quality. However, I would say the exact opposite that it is still possible to be completely honest with friend. Three points in different dimensions will be explained to testify my view.

First of all, honesty is the precious and necessary quality in the present or past, and we should spare no effort to achieve it. We cannot emphasize to much the important of honesty in the modern communication. A company which always lie to consumers does not just lose its profit but the reputation. As a result of lie, this company will drowns in the sea of business. The same phenomenon happened in our friendship. One without honesty can even survive in the modern society, let along make friends. In the present, People admire the quality of honesty. This case is not rare, and in reality many countries hold the same point. Hence, it is possible to be completely honest not only with friends but others.
Moreover, Honesty plays an essential role in the built process of friendship. Cheating may pose a significant barrier to the people who want to be friends. For the purpose of trust what is the fundament of the friends, No one wants to make friends with dishonest individuals. To take my own experience as a example, as soon as one of my friends cheats on me, that behaviour will conveys a negative impression to me, and the lag effect may more serious. I cannot image to trust a person who had ever lied to me, then the lie enables our friendship run to the bottom of the road. This scene is the worst consequence what no one excepts to see. In general, honesty not only possible but also necessary to our friendship.
Finally, I have been taught to be honest to people since I was a little kid. As for me, To honest with friends is as nature as breathing. It is may hard for people who not familiar with honest to be completely honest with friends immediately. But by practicing to be honest with friends frequently, everyone could get the goal.
In a nutshell, to be completely honest to friends may lead to some troubles and sometimes the white lie also contributes to a better relationship. But those viewpoints still cannot hold water because those situations seldom appear and cannot represent the majority. To be more precise, the benefits brought from to honest with friends cover its flaws. In addition, I therefore stick to my choice that it is possible to be completely honest to friends.

正儿八经潜水

11月30 修改
独立：Disagree or agree: It is impossible to be completely honest with your friend.

Agree

Honest may hurt the friendship

Disagree

Honest in the essential quality

Honest is good for our friendship

When i was i child, i was taught to be honest to others

10:46

With the booming of the society, the competition among individuals becomes more and more sharp. Therefore, being absolutely honest with friends seems an impossible quality. However, I would say the exact opposite that it is still possible to be completely honest with friends. Three points in different dimensions will be explained to testify my view.



First of all, honesty is the precious and necessary quality in the present or past, and we should spare no effort to achieve it. Wecannot do not have to emphasize too much on the important importance of honesty in the modern communication. A company which always lie to consumers does not just only lose its profit but the reputation. As a result of lie, this company will drowns in the sea of business. The same phenomenon happens in our friendship. One without honestycan even cannot survive in the modern society, let along alone make friends. In the present, People admire the quality of honesty. This case is not rare, and in reality many countries hold the same point. Hence, it is possible to be completely honest not only with friends but others.(最后一句一加反而看出你有些跑偏题了，去掉)



Moreover, Honesty plays an essential role in the built building of friendship. Cheating may pose a significant barrier to the people who want to be friends with us. For the purpose of trust, what which is the fundament of the friends friendship, no one want to make friends with dishonest individuals. To take my own experience as a example, as soon as one of my friends cheat on me, that behaviour will conveys leave a negative impression to on me, and the lag effect may be more serious. I cannot image to trust a person who had ever lied to me, then the lie enable our friendship to run to the bottom of the road. This scene is the worst consequencewhat that(查一下that用法) no one except to see. In general, honesty is not only possible but also necessary to our friendship.(去掉，理由同上，还有这个论点好像包含在第一个论点中。。。)



Finally, I have been taught to be honest to people since I was a little kid. As for me, To being honest with friends is as nature as breathing. It is may hard for people whonot familiar with honest are not used to being completely honest with friends immediately. But by practicing being honest with friends frequently, everyone could get the goal.(这段叫我怎么说好呢，翻译成中文的说法都是很幼稚的话)



In a nutshell, to be completely honest to with friends may lead to some troubles and sometimes the white lie also contribute to a better relationship. But those viewpoints still cannot hold water because those situations seldom appear and cannot represent the majority.(这句就是反驳自己啊。。。) To be more precise, the benefits brought from to being honest with friends cover its flaws. In addition, I therefore stick to my choice that it is possible to be completely honest to with friends.



总结：

就这篇文章而言，

我觉得写同意更好些，反对的论点总是很相似，没有层次。

就扬兄而言，

三个论点一定要写得差不多长，否则容易被认为论据不足，胡乱堆砌；

不能乱用短语，反而显得不伦不类。



加油！！