shen_dang的作文贴，8月28日开始，一定要告别ETS！

shendang

8.28
TOPIC: agree or disagree? If child want to do well in school, parents should limit the hours of watching TV programs or movies.


Nowadays, parents place much emphasis on children’s study. Most of parents confront a dilemma whether they should limit children’s hours of watching TV or not. This problem has become a much-debated one since it affects children’s daily life. As far as for me, I vote for the latter one, which is that parents should not limit children when they watching TV or movies. Two advantages of not limiting the hours stand out with great force.


Some parents who express a strong desire for their children to get good grades put great pressure on children. My nephew, a primary school student, has no free time at all. During the weekend, he is compelled to take extra math and english studies. And for weekdays, after all day studing in school, he doesn’t have any spare for relaxation. What he has is mountainous homework from school and from parents. He was allowed to watching TV or movies only on Wednesday after finishing all the work. The grades of my nephew ought to be better than most peers, however, the reality just contradict to what his parents hope. He ranks at the bottom of class even in the subjects that he spend a lot of time to study, like math and english. Being pushed so hard does not help children’s study, instead, it devastate children’s interest toward studying, which inevitably lead to the bad grades.


Moreover, TV programs and movies provide children with various information. For example, the program, Discovery, tell all the people how animals behave in a certain circumstance, how human develop from anthropoids, how the technology affect our daily life. All of the information provided by the program not only widen children’s horizon, but also give them a opportunity to find what they are interested. As long as the programs and movies are suit for children, I don’t think there exists any reason for parents to limit the hours of watching TV programs and movies.


Although it must be admitted that children cannot control themselves very well. When they start to watching TV or movies, they may be difficult to stop. Nevertheless, even though, children lack the ability to control themselves, they have right to decide their own living pattern. Deciding things for children and strictly controling their studies will eventually contribute to their independence.


From what has been discussed, we can safely draw the conclusion that although, limitation of hours of watching TV programs and movies for children enjoys some advantages, it will be better if parents don’t control their watching hours.

pedrohuo

友情支持。我也是今天刚开始的加入托福小分队。

shendang

恩恩，一起加油啊~~

shendang

8.29 TOPIC: The best way to improve the quality of education is to imcrease teachers' salaries.

    Nowadys, since education can affect one’s whole life, there is a growing tendency that people place more and more emphasis on the quality of education. They’ve been thinking about all kinds of method to improve the quality of education. One of them, which is considered as the best way to achieve the aim, is increasing teachers’ salaries. As for me, I do appreciate this idea. However, when it will be difficut for me to acknowledge it as the best way to lift up the quality of education.
    Admittedly, increasing teachers’ salaries enjoy some obvious advantages. Once the salaries of teachers are improved, there will generate a kind of stimulus, which will eventually leads teachers to devote more time and energy to educating students. However, if school really have a strong desire to improve the quality of education, merely the increase of salaries is not enough to support the goal, because there exists some other factors that are indispensible for the improvement of quality of education, such as equipment and the knowledge of teachers.
    If school spend all their money on the salaris of teachers, what will happen? Would the teaching building be too old for student to study comfortably? Would there not be advanced equipments to educate students? As expected, the answers are “yes”. In order to improve the quality of education, a school should not only increase the salaries of teachers, but also equip school with many kinds of facilities. For example, they ought to set aside fund to buy more books for library so that students can learn knowledge beyond classes.
    Moreover, if teachers lag behind the society, they can’t teach students well. With rapid development of society, knowledge is changing all the time. One idea that was common believed in the past might be examined to be wrong in these days. Take Pluto as an example. It was believed to be one of the nine planet in university. However, in recent observation, scientists just separate it from the other eight planets. If teachers still use the old information to educate students, students might just get misleaded. As a result, without supplement of new knowledge, one teacher can not contribute benefits to improvement of quality of education. Instead, they may even do irreparable harm to students.
    From what has been discussed above, I am firmly convinced that even though increasing the salaries is a good way to improve the quality of education, if it lacks enhancements of other factors, the effect can’t reach what people expect.

不断重复用improve 和 increase，有什么提高或降低的同义词可以替代啊？求各位帮忙~~

pedrohuo

可以试试enhance. advancement.等等。

蝴蝶渡海

红色错误，蓝色建议，黄色亮点，改的有点多，希望能接受，我改的错误的地方交流下
8.28
TOPIC: agree or disagree? If child want to do well in school, parents should limit the hours of watching TV programs or movies.


Nowadays, parents place much emphasis on children’s study. Most of parents confront a dilemma whether they should limit children’s hours of watching TV or not. This problem has become （became）a much-debated one since it affects（affected） children’s daily life. As far as for me, I vote for the latter（这里面指代有点不清楚，后面的一个观点不是清楚明了，如果前面是one， another one可以这么用） one, which is that parents should not limit children when they watching（watch） TV or movies. Two advantages of not limiting the hours stand out with great force.


Some parents who express a strong desire for their children to get good grades put great pressure on children. My nephew, （在这里说taking my nephew for example比较好）a primary school student, has no free time at all.During the weekend, he is compelled to take extra math and english（English这玩意得大写啊，亲~） studies. And for weekdays, after all day studing（studying） in school, he doesn’t have any spare for relaxation.（感觉这句话是很多余的，可以将两句合并成成一句话在studies后面加上without any spare for relaxation） What he has is mountainous homework from school and from parents. He was allowed to watching TV or movies only on Wednesday after finishing all the work. The grades of my nephew ought to be better than most peers, however, the reality just contradict to what his parents hope. （however我印象中不能作为句子连词出现吧，如果这样你这个句子有两个谓语是错误的。这句最好把however摆在句子的开头，使句子转折流畅，然后句子与句子之间用，and 进行连接However，xxx most peer，andxxx）He ranks at the bottom of class even in the subjects that he spend（spent） a lot of time to study, like math and english. Being pushed so hard does not help children’s studying, instead, it devastates children’s interest toward studying, which inevitably lead to the bad grades.

P.s：此段作者那小外甥为例说了过多的学习与成绩之间的关系，但是是否有些偏题了呢？作者支持的是：很多时间看电视对学习无影响，应当说明的是他的父母多度的限制他看电视影响到了他的学习，或者说看了很多的电视节目，但是成绩仍然优秀。作者的例子只能说明多度的学习不能对成绩提高有帮助。


Moreover, TV programs and movies provide children with various information. For example, the program, Discovery, tell（tells） all the people how animals behave in a certain circumstance, how human developfrom anthropoids, and how the technology affects our daily life. All of the information provided by the program not only widen children’s horizon（一直不会说拓展视野，这个貌似不错，学习了）, but also give them a opportunity to find what they are interested. As long as the programs and movies are suit for children, I don’t think there exists（这里是existing） any reason for parents to limit the hours of watching TV programs and movies.


Although it must be admitted that children cannot control themselves very well. When they start to watching TV or movies, they may be difficult to stop. Nevertheless, even though（重复了。。）children lack the ability to control themselves, they have right to decide their own living pattern. Deciding things for children and strictly controling their studies will eventually contribute to their independence.
这段不错，让步后有回归主题。

From what has been discussed, we can safely draw the conclusion that although, limitation of hours of watching TV programs and movies for children enjoys some advantages（enjoy the advantages这是什么意思？）, it will be better if parents don’t control their watching hours.（这结尾写得好乱，句子结构完全不对的。希望能多看些句子的结尾，清晰明了点题就好）





总结，文章整体的思路已有，但是举例的不恰当和过多的拼写错误将会影响成绩的。在注意一下句子结构就更好了。加油

shendang

紫色是对修改部分的采纳和看法
Nowadays,parents place much emphasis on children’s study. Most of parents confront adilemma whether they should limit children’s hours of watching TV or not. Thisproblem has become（became）（become 的过去分词还是become~~）amuch-debated one since it affects（affected）(我想表达的是一般现在的情况) children’s daily life. As far as for me,I vote for the latter（这里面指代有点不清楚，后面的一个观点不是清楚明了，如果前面是one， another one可以这么用）(如果我把whether they should limit childre’s hours of watching TV or not 当中的not写清楚，是不是就比较适合用latter one？) one, whichis that parents should not limit children when they watching（watch） TV or movies. Twoadvantages of not limiting the hours stand out with great force.


Some parents who express astrong desire for their children to get good grades put great pressure onchildren. Take my nephew, a primary school student as anexample （在这里说taking my nephew for example比较好）（采纳，谢谢）. He has no free timeat all. Compelled to take extra math and English studies, he doesn’t have timefor relaxation.（感觉这句话是很多余的，可以将两句合并成成一句话在studies后面加上without any spare for relaxation） What he has ismountainous homework from school and from parents. The grades of my nephewought to be better than most peers. However, the realityjust contradicts to what his parents hope. （however我印象中不能作为句子连词出现吧，如果这样你这个句子有两个谓语是错误的。这句最好把however摆在句子的开头，使句子转折流畅，然后句子与句子之间用，and 进行连接However，xxx most peer，andxxx）He ranks at the bottom of class even in the subjects that he spends a lot of time to study, like math and English. Beingpushed so hard does not help children’s studying(study 可以当名词), instead,it devastates children’s interest toward studying,which inevitably lead to the bad grades.

P.s：此段作者那小外甥为例说了过多的学习与成绩之间的关系，但是是否有些偏题了呢？作者支持的是：很多时间看电视对学习无影响，应当说明的是他的父母多度的限制他看电视影响到了他的学习，或者说看了很多的电视节目，但是成绩仍然优秀。作者的例子只能说明多度的学习不能对成绩提高有帮助。(同意，现在回过来看也发现了这个逻辑不行)


Moreover, TV programs andmovies provide children with various information. For example, the program,Discovery, tells（tells） all the people how animals behave in a certaincircumstance, how human developfrom anthropoids, and howthe technology affects our daily life. All of theinformation provided by the program not only widen children’shorizon（一直不会说拓展视野，这个貌似不错，学习了）, but also give them a opportunity to find what they areinterested. As long as the programs and movies are suit for children, I don’tthink that there exists（这里是existing） (前面忘了加that, exists 在这里跟there be 中的be 差不多，要用一般形态)any reasonfor parents to limit the hours of watching TV programs and movies.


Although it must be admittedthat children cannot control themselves very well. When they start to watchingTV or movies, they may be difficult to stop. Nevertheless, children lack theability to control themselves（写完后搜了一下，自控力self-control，写的时候就是忘了这个是什么词性，这句可以改成lack theability of self-control）, they have right to decide their ownliving pattern. Deciding things for children and strictly controling theirstudies will eventually contribute to their independence.
这段不错，让步后有回归主题。

Fromwhat has been discussed, we can safely draw the conclusion that although, limitationof hours of watching TV programs and movies for children enjoys some advantages（enjoy the advantages这是什么意思？有一些优点的意思）, it will be better if parentsdon’t control their watching hours.（这结尾写得好乱，句子结构完全不对的。希望能多看些句子的结尾，清晰明了点题就好）（那时候快到时间了，结尾匆匆了事）

shendang

是不是直接点击回复你，你会比较方便的知道我已经回复你了？

shendang

8.30
Topic: It's more important for govermentto spend money to buide art museums and music performance center than to recreationalfacilities(such as swimming pool,playground)

   In the modern society, governmentsalways confront a problem that  theyshould spend money to build art museums and music performance center ahead oftime or give the priority to the recreational facilities. Since those infrastructionscost large amount of money and can put far-reaching impact on the developmentof a city, ordinary people have been placing emphasis on the issue. In myperspective, whether one infrastruction is more important than the other onedepends on circumstance.


   The condition of each city is ratherdifferent. What we must pay attention to is that the plan of development shouldsuit city’s own phase. If a city has already built lots of recreationalfacilities without sufficient art museums, there is no need for the city to buildmore recreational equipments. They ought to spend the money on art museums andmusic performance. As far as I’m concerned, the government should use the moneyin the field that really needs improvement, or they will just waste the taxfrom citizens and even cause disorder and repetition of construction.


   Another equally essential factors thatwill affect the choice of one government is that the build of infratructionshould be in accordance with the positioning of city. Take Xiamen as anexample. Since Xiamen aim to be a cultural city, the government always givepriority to building art museums and music center. We do admit thatrecreational facilities are very important. However, when compared with artmuseums and music centers, which are the key points of city development,recreational facilities will be less essential. With the efforts of government,nowadys, Xiamen is already one of the most famous cultural city in China. Yet,in the case that one city place itself at a different positioning, for examplea recreational city, it will be more important for government to buildrecreational facilities.


  There are so many factors that need tobe taken into account when government answer this question. It will be ratherhaste to simply say that it’s more important to build art museums and musicperformance center, or vice verse. For government, only after analysing all thefactors could they have own answer to this sophisticated question.

ykhjy

8.30  修改
Topic: It's more important for govermentto spend money to buide art museums and music performance center than to recreationalfacilities(such as swimming pool,playground)
蓝色good 黄色需修改 红色我改的 绿色批注建议
  In the modern society, governmentsalways confront a problem that  they should spend money to build art museums and music performance center ahead of time or give the priority to the recreational facilities.【我总觉得题目中的spend money to do 结构很奇怪，后面是当作动词不定式表目的？还有 or 后面 是不是要加 to？ 我语法方面不太行，靠感觉来的，可以讨论下？】 Since those infrastructions [infrastructures] cost large amount of money and can put far-reaching impact on the developmentof a city, ordinary people have been placing emphasis on the issue. In my perspective, whether one infrastruction is more important than the other one depends on circumstances.

  The condition of each city is rather different. What we must pay attention to is that the plan of development should suit city’s own phase. If a city has already built lots of recreationalfacilities without sufficient art museums, there is no need for the city to build more recreational equipments. They ought to spend the money on art museums and music performance [centers]. As far as I’m concerned, the government should use the money in the field that really needs improvement, or they will just waste the tax [哈哈，你是想说浪费纳税人的钱么，觉得有点不太地道，直接说waste money把]from citizens and even cause disorder and repetition of construction. 【各个城市建筑状况不同，嗯这个理由ok。不过多加些论据会更好。因为这一段唯一论据就是建筑物重复】


  Another equally essential factors that will affect the choice of one government is that the build of infratruction should be in accordance with the positioning of city. Take Xiamen as an example. Since Xiamen aim to be a cultural city, the government always gives priority to building[give priority to doing?] art museums and music center. We do admit that recreational facilities are very important. However, when compared with art museums and music centers, which are the key points of city development,recreational facilities will be less essential. With the efforts of government,nowadys, Xiamen is already one of the most famous cultural city in China. Yet,in the case that one city place itself at a different positioning, for example a recreational city, it will be more important for government to build recreational facilities. 【这个point 非常好，例子举得也很好。只是positioning 这个词 我不知道适不适合。】


 There are so many factors that need to be taken into account when government answer this question. It will be rather haste to simply say that it’s more important to build art museums and musicperformance center, or vice verse. For government, only after analysing all the factors could they have own answer to this sophisticated question.


【文章结构清晰，思路不错，我本来也想写depends situations，想想太复杂，而你就是举了几个具体的需要考虑的situation的方面，比如城市现有建筑情况，城市本身未来发展定位情况，非常好。不足的是第一点论据太薄弱，从整篇文章的角度，最好还有第三点。
                                有问题可以来找我讨论o~ 加油加油  】