【写作小分队】 Amashine 的作文

Amashine

加油！加油！

超级无敌小鹤鹤

最好直接copy到帖子里，不要用附件，方便互改的同学哈~~~

浅吟天

嘿嘿 lz下次贴出来哈，第一次我来贴吧

黄色模版加好的，绿色批注红色我改的


It is unlikely for a political or business leader to be successful without outstanding characters. The capability to take responsibility for mistakes, in numerous individuals' mind, is considered as the most significant one. (建议加个这是别人认为的，我开始以为你直接亮你的观点了呢)However, I personally believe that ambition and circumspection are more important.


No one can deny that the competence to admit one's own mistakes and take responsibility for them is an important quality of an excellent political or business leader. It shows that she（为啥是女性呢，虽然我也是女的，但好像统称还是男的好些） is able to take charge of her words and behaviors and deserved trust. Never will she find a scapegoat and run away if she makes mistakes. So individuals dare（这个词有点奇怪啊） to follow her and do not need to worry about the risk to be the scapegoat (我觉得既然你想反驳这个观点，就不要在这个观点上举详实的例子，这不是支持太多了吗)


However, there are more important qualities for a prominent political and business to own than the ability to be accountable for errors. First, ambition is more vital because leaders with it are never content with status quo and striving to make progress all the time, which probably give rise to their(我没找到指代什么，可能改成the company’s好些) success. On the contrary, unambitious leaders are compelled(这个词有种外界施加的感觉，和后面阐述的自身的理由不是很搭,可改成are likely ) to be dropped behind sooner or later since they prefer to be satisfied with their former achievements and stop struggling for extra accomplishments. Take Ying Zheng, one of the most majestic(查了下longman，这个词：very big, impressive, or beautiful，形容建筑好些，greatest如何) emperors in China, as an example. Although he was already the king of the most prosperous country, he was still eager to broaden his territory through wars. It was his aspiration that urged him to annihilate other six countries and found a united dynasty-Qin Dynasty.


Furthermore, in terms of an extraordinary political and commercial chief, circumspection is an essential nature since it is helpful to reduce mistakes and increase the possibility to victory. It is possible for merchants to earn profit via investments, but they have to face various risks in the meanwhile. A great amount of fault（没看懂呢，a failure in investment） will result in the loss of money, reputation and time, even bankruptcy of companies. For instance, my uncle runs a foreign trade corporation successfully due to his carefulness. Before he signs contracts, all aspects, such as material's price and associates' credit, are taken into consideration. Also a stipulate that all documents should be checked twice is also used as a way to decline faults. Thanks to his prudence, his company wins excellent reputation, attracts countless clients and becomes dominant in its field.


Overall, although the ability to be responsible for faults is important for political and commercial managers, careerism and prudence are more vital. Only with them can leaders keep making progress and prevent from mistakes in the way to success.


看得出来lz是精心设计了例子的，一个政治的一个商业的，有历史有身边的，很好~~

而且lz有好多闪光的用词，我都画出来了

但我觉得读下来给我的感觉就像段誉的六脉神剑有时发得出有时发不出，有时好词多有时句子比较中式，用力不均。建议lz在保持好词的基础上多加强句子的练习，连贯的表达。



还有个问题想讨论一下，我不知道我的想法对不对，说它不是最重要的，是不是应该说说他为什么不是most的。若直接来两个其他重要的原因（是的，我们不否认这里还有其他重要的），又如何体现他们比那个责任更重要，所以责任才不是最重要的。（额，不知道我表达清楚没）

Amashine

谢谢批改~有好多建议都很好，比如语句连接要改善，要突出其它品质比这个most更重要等等，我会改进的

另外，说一下she 和he 的问题，主要是为了照顾他们的女权主义，所以一般说正面的时候统称就用she了

Amashine

8月19日  独立写作
Do you agree or dis agree, the way a person dressed is a good indication of his/her personality or character

It is not uncommon to see that observing individuals' apparel is used as a way to evaluate them since people own different personalities have different preferences on they way they dress. However, I personally believe that it is not advisable to speculate individuals' characters through their clothes for the following reasons.



It is undeniable that individuals probably show their natures via their clothes’ styles and colors. Optimists prefer to wear clothes with warm colors and fashionable styles, such as red miniskirts, while pessimists are used to wear ones with cool colors and traditional styles, such as black shirts. Therefore, it is possible for us to determine others' personality by observing what they dress.



However, individuals' apparels, in most cases, are not related to their identity. First, it is likely that clothes people wear is an adjustment to a specific situation. When individuals participate some significant occasions, they need to dress suitably. If not so, it is probably for them to make an impolite impression on others and give rise to a terrible consequence. For instance, if you are going to attend your friend's nuptial, you can see all people there dress formally. So it is proper for you to do the same like wearing an elegant skirt. In this situation, if you wear pajamas, you may not be welcomed. People may consider you as a crude one and are not willing to talk to you. Your friend may believe that you make a mess in her wedding and don't want to maintain your friendship any more.



Furthermore, what kinds of clothes individuals choose to put on depend on ones who are influential to them instead of themselves so that they may tell nothing about their owners' nature. It means people may change the style of their clothes according to their friends' comments and expectations. For example, a girl was accustomed to wear black clothes and seldom had red ones in the past. One day, after seeing her with a red skirt, her boyfriend praised her beauty and suggested her to dress in red more often. The girl was so cheerful that she decided to purchase red clothes rather than black ones later. So in the case, it is obvious to discover that the girl's clothes can not reflect her personality because of the influence of her boyfriend's advice.



Moreover, the way individuals dress is affected by their financial issue rather than their nature. Only when they are affluent can they have opportunities to choose clothes according to their characters. Take the poor for example. They probably wear clothes donated to them no matter what kind of them because of the lack of money. So it is impossible for us to be aware of their characters through their clothing.



Overall, it is not sensible to indicate one's characters through his clothing which is probably influent by condition, recommendation and economics. So when we are eager to realize a person's nature, thorough consideration is essential.

Amashine

8.19 综合 TPO 17

The reading passage holds the view that there will be a decreasing number of birds in the United States. However, the lecturer opposes this view one by one.



To begin with, the writer claims that traditional area suitable for birds is declining, which is resulted from expansions of individuals' populations and settlements, will lead to the number of birds become smaller. On the contrary, according to the listening material, in urban area, although the number of some types of birds is deceasing, other types of birds' quantity is growing since cities provide them better and larger habitant.



Furthermore, the author says that increasing agricultural activities will give rise to diminish bird population for more wild land is transformed to agricultural area. But the view is challenged by the professor saying that improvements of crop's per output, with the development of industry, mean that less land is used for agriculture, so that the number of birds will not lessened.



Moreover, it is stated by the writer that an increasing chemical pesticides used in agriculture will contribute to birds' death and failures in reproduction by polluting their water and food; Therefore, the number of birds will be reduced. However, the view is again refuted by the speaker who thinks that two changes-safer pesticides and pest-resist plants is helpful to cut down traditional pesticides' damage to birds, so that the decline of bird populations does not appear any more.



Overall, all the information in the reading materials has been jeopardized by the speaker.

浅吟天

看样子我要占据你第一页的重要位子了~~
批改老规矩

The reading passage holds the view that there will be a decreasing number of birds in the United States. However, the lecturer opposes this view one by one.(嗯，我不知道一个view能不能oppose one by one,回复下我哈)



To begin with, the writer claims that traditional area suitable for birds is declining, which is resulted from expansions of individuals' populations and settlements, will lead（这句跟哪句的？哪句都将有两个动词了） to the number of birds become smaller. On the contrary, according to the listening material, in urban area, although the number of some types of birds is deceasing, other types of birds' quantity is growing since cities provide them better and larger habitant.



Furthermore, the author says that increasing agricultural activities will give rise to diminish bird population for（for介词后加名词，改成because） more wild land is transformed to agricultural area. But the view is challenged by the professor saying that improvements of crop's per output, with the development of industry, mean that less land is used for agriculture, so that the number of birds will not lessened.



Moreover, it is stated by the writer that an increasing chemical pesticides used in agriculture will contribute to birds' death and failures in reproduction by polluting their water and food; Therefore, the number of birds will be reduced. However, the view is again refuted by the speaker who thinks that two changes-safer pesticides and pest-resist plants(佩服我木有听出来) is(are) helpful to cut down traditional pesticides' damage to birds, so that the decline of bird populations does not appear any more.（听力的细节可以再多一点，那两个方案都有详细介绍的可以写写~~）

Overall, all the information in the reading materials has been jeopardized by the speaker.

总的来说，没有漏点。都听到了
可以改进的地方：1，基本每段都有the number of bird，不知道lz写的时候有没有困惑后面应该接small decreas 还是什么形容词，建议直接写鸟增多了怎么怎么样就好，大家都懂是number。避免太多的重复
2，有个问题就是我觉得lz的阅读和听力平分秋色了，应该是重听力要好点。这个问题考官很看重哦~~

Amashine

TO 浅

oppose this view one by one这个用法是对的，不过我这里用的不太好，应该在前面那句话说文章的三个理由，然后后面再说one by one就对了

关于那个the number of birds的问题，我个人感觉这样严谨一点，原文也是要不就是 the number of birds 要不就是 bird population, 没有直接说bird的，不过我用的时候也很纠结的，实在想不到替换的

ykhjy

8.19 独立 修改~
蓝色good 黄色需修改 红色我改的 绿色批注建议
Do you agree or dis agree, the way a person dressed is a good indication of his/her personality or character

It is not uncommon to see that observing individuals' apparel is used as a way to evaluate them[衡量他们的神马，我觉得这里最好能明确是personality] since people own different personalities have different preferences on they way they dress. However, I personally believe that it is not advisable to speculate individuals' characters through their clothes[个人觉得题目的意思是穿衣方式，用 dressing style会不会好点] for the following reasons.[明确立场，挺好的]



It is undeniable that individuals probably show their natures via their clothes’ styles and colors. Optimists prefer to wear clothes with warm colors and fashionable styles, such as red miniskirts[optimists不一定都是girl哦 哈哈], while pessimists are used to wear ones with cool colors and traditional styles, such as black shirts. Therefore, it is possible for us to determine others' personality by observing what they dress.[这一段让步角度挺好的，也有简单例子，但个人觉得前几段写自己支持的观点比较好，让步的放在最后，因为好像老美和我们思路不一样，总是把重要的放在前面而不是后面。]



However, individuals' apparels, in most cases, are not related to their identity[这个词和personality还是有差别的，用character把]. First, it is likely that clothes people wear is an adjustment to a specific situation[服饰是对具体情景的调整。我明白你的意思，但这里表达不是很好，可以直接说people dress differently based on specific situation ]. When individuals[好多individual额，可以适当换换别的词，people也行的] participate some significant occasions, they need to dress suitably. If not so, it is probably for them to make an impolite impression on others and give rise to a terrible consequence. For instance, if you are going to attend your friend's nuptial, you can see all people there dress formally. So it is proper for you to do the same like wearing an elegant skirt[我不一定是女生额。哈哈，还是这个问题，建议最少用一些无性别类的衣服例子]. In this situation,[on the contrary,建议多用一些表示前后关系的逻辑连词] if you wear pajamas, you may not be welcomed. People may consider you as a crude one and are not willing to talk to you. Your friend may believe that you make a mess in her wedding and don't want to maintain your friendship any more.



Furthermore, what kinds of clothes individuals choose to put on depend on ones who are influential to[on固定搭配，对..有影响都是 搭配on 比如 have an effect/influence on] them instead of themselves so that they may tell nothing about their owners' nature.[Good point!] It means people may change the style of their clothes according to their friends' comments and expectations. For example, a girl was accustomed to wear black clothes and seldom had red ones in the past. One day, after seeing her with a red skirt, her boyfriend praised her beauty and suggested her to dress in red more often. The girl was so cheerful that she decided to purchase red clothes rather than black ones later. So in the case, it is obvious to discover that the girl's clothes can not reflect her personality because of the influence of her boyfriend's advice[这里感觉有点奇怪，女孩的衣服不能反映女孩的性格因为她男朋友建议的影响，应该是因为她的衣服是在他男朋友的影响下穿的，这个影响是什么最好能说明白].【这个point很好，例子也很具体。】



Moreover, the way individuals dress is [also] affected by their financial issue[situation] rather than[这个rather than完全否定了个性的作用，我觉得这里如果表达成：不只是有他们个性的影响，还有经济问题的作用。会更好] their nature. Only when they are affluent can they have opportunities to choose clothes according to their characters. Take the poor for example. They probably wear clothes donated to them no matter what kind of them because of the lack of money[用了很多because of 而且我不知道这里能不能直接接the lack of money. 我觉得可以这么写：in that they cannot afford the clothes they prefer]. So[好多so额，可以适当换用别的词：Thus/therefore/hence...] it is impossible[这个词太绝对，可以用hard] for us to be aware of their characters through their clothing.



Overall, it is not sensible to indicate one's characters through his [or her] clothing which[这里用which的话不能突出强调原因，可以用since it] is probably influent by condition, recommendation and economics. So when we are eager to realize a person's nature, thorough consideration is essential.【总的来说，整篇文章立场明确，结构清晰，point非常好，例子具体也能说明point
Tips： 我觉得lz注意一些表达就好了:
      1.有些句子我们知道那个意思但写出来并没那么明确
      2.要多用一些逻辑连词
      3。多换一些常用词汇，比如你用了很多 because of、so。。】

浅吟天

对的，记得当时专门反过去找有无3个理由，没有 所以有点小突兀
回头看了文本，的确很多population. 再弱问一下语法，我知道bird population可以，population of birds可以吗？还有什么时候population 可数，文本里很混乱。

TO 浅

oppose this view one by one这个用法是对的，不过我这里用的不太好，应该在前面那句话说文章的三个理由，然后后面再说one by one就对了

关于那个the number of birds的问题，我个人感觉这样严谨一点，原文也是要不就是 the number of birds 要不就是 bird population, 没有直接说bird的，不过我用的时候也很纠结的，实在想不到替换的

-- by 会员 Amashine (2012/8/20 14:39:57)