『写作小分队』 求轰炸

margrate

0813 Independent  
Subject: know about the events happening around the world that do not affect our life.D\A

Have you ever lived in a situation where no outside information is available for you? How horrible it is to live in such a situation! One cannot live without knowing about the events happening around the world. I do agree that the events happening around the world have a significant influence on our daily life.



To begin with, major events will keep you moving forward. Knowing about the events happening around the world will keep you informed for major changes which will lead to far-reaching consequences and dramatically change the world. For example, from 18 century to mid-19 century, the processes of The Industrial Revolution of Britain were going on step by step. However, on the other side of the world at the same time, Qing Dynasty of China lagged far behind Britain with no incentive to study from the profound transformation of the Industrial Revolution. And then China, ever leading the way almost in all aspects, fell behind the majority countries and was oppressed by the Western Countries for a long time. If Chinese government had taken any focuses on major events, the Chinese would not have suffered from the bully and oppression. Therefore, if we know about some events taken place around the world, we could at least keep our pace with times, rather than being ignorant to the world.



Moreover, as illustrated in Butterfly Effect, a subtle difference of the original condition will cause a surprised consequence. If you neglect the events happening around yourself, let alone the events happening around the world, you will be eliminated by the world around yourself. For example, as a leader of a company, you only focus on the events happening in your company without any consideration of the outside word, such as your competitors. What will happen to the company？As expected, your company will soon disappear.



Last but not least, to know what is related to you or what is important. Obviously, facing large amount of events occurring every day, you cannot decide which kind of events will affect us most so that we have to learn how to screen information. Centralizing on the events that we are interested in, that happen in our field will improve the efficiency to deal with them, which will not only save time, but also enhance the quality to process these events.

All in all, everyone has to know about the events happening around the world because of their profound influences on our life.

margrate

多谢狂批，第一次按照考试时间写，差点木有写完

From the lecture, it points out that the evidence that the subject of the painting portrait should be Jane Austen is unconvincing form the age of Jane Auste, the resemblance, and the canvas used. The specific reasons are as follows.

First, the portrait was proposed when Jand Jane Austen had died for almost 70 year. Even though Austen's family clearly recongnized it as a portrait of the author and climed that the girl in the portrait was Jane Austen, for Jane Austen had died 70 years, there should be  nobody who had seen her or known her before.

Second, there may be many Janes who were resembled Jane Austen in Austen's family. Austen's family was such a big family that there might be many relevant young girls resembling Jane Austen. It was supposed that the subject of the portrait may be a distant neice of Jane Austen. Furthermore, as illustrated in the article, the face in the portrait clearly resembles that one in the sketch. Only resemblance could not be sound enought the subject is Jane Austen.

Finally, the canvas used by the painter shows that this kind of canvas was used when Jane Austen was older than teenager. From the canvas used, we can defer the date of this portrait was later than the active time of the  portrait paninter. So the subject should not be Jane Austin.

浅吟天

黄色模版加好的，绿色批注红色我改的

Have you ever lived in a situation where no outside information is available for you? How horrible it is to live in such a situation! One cannot live without knowing about the events happening around the world. I do agree that the events happening around the world have a significant influence on our daily life.
(开头说的我们不能没有信息around，但题目是有信息对我们有木有影响，可在贴题一些)


To begin with, major events will keep you moving forward. Knowing about the events happening around the world will keep you （加个being）informed for major changes which will lead to far-reaching consequences and dramatically change the world. For example, from 18 century to mid-19 century, the processes of The Industrial Revolution of Britain were going on step by step. However, on the other side of the world at the same time, Qing Dynasty of China lagged far behind Britain with no incentive to study from the profound transformation of the Industrial Revolution. And then China, ever leading the way almost in all aspects, fell behind the majority countries and was oppressed by the Western Countries for a long time. If Chinese government had taken any focuses on major events, the Chinese would not have suffered from the bully and oppression. Therefore, if we know about some events taken place around the world, we could at least（这个词放这有点怪） keep our pace with times, rather than being ignorant to the world.



Moreover, as illustrated in Butterfly Effect, a subtle difference of the original condition will cause a surprised（换个表负面的词把） consequence. If you neglect the events happening around yourself, let alone the events happening around the world, you will be eliminated by the world around yourself. For example, as a leader of a company, you only focus on the events happening in your company without any consideration of the outside word（world）, such as your competitors. What will happen to the company？As expected, your company will soon disappear（这个词有点奇怪了，换个倒闭，失利什么的把lose its strength.）



Last but not（the）least, to know what is related to you or what is important. Obviously, facing large amount of events occurring every day, you cannot decide which kind of events will affect us most so that we have to learn how to screen information. Centralizing on the events that we are interested in,(加个and,不过自己写一般很少看到接两个定语的) that happen in our field will improve the efficiency to deal with them, which will not only save time, but also enhance the quality to process these events.

All in all, everyone has to know about the events happening around the world because of their profound influences on our life.

很高兴成为第一个帮楼主改作文的人~~

楼主的作文写的太赞了！！！

逻辑清楚，用词优雅，例子很好阐述主题！

剩下的我只有挑骨头了。。

1，有那么一两个小词用的不当，若控制好就native了

2，第四段，讲关心哪方面的信息能提高efficiency to deal with，但题目是effect了吗，与如何有效处理信息还是有偏差的。有点小小偏题~



Lz是花了多久功夫练成这样的？有没有什么好书好方法推荐下，还就是平时的积累？

margrate

我把第一句做了以下改动，
Have you ever lived only in your own world, overlooking what was happening around you? 感觉这样貌似能稍微贴题一些

此处求指导
个人总结，关于Butterfly Effect的例子是在某NN那里看到的，其实觉得这个例子不太好用在这个文章里的，原因在于Butterfly Effect强调的是初始的一点偏差导致结果的不同。感觉这种学术上的例子，特别是在考试的时候，如果不是很确定渊源不能轻易使用。

参照浅浅的建议（哈哈，浅浅的想法真的不错，学习了）：
我昨天也写了这个例子的，看到你的butterfly effect 和商业的例子在想有人跟我想的很像啊。。
我觉得蝴蝶效应是一个点引起大面积的变化，而 a piece of event 也能对我们生活产生很大改变，比如一件事改变了你的整个思想，这个思想去指导这之后所有的行动。所以两者有可比性，写清楚就好，不知这样理解如何？

浅吟天

我昨天也写了这个例子的，看到你的butterfly effect 和商业的例子在想有人跟我想的很像啊。。
我觉得蝴蝶效应是一个点引起大面积的变化，而 a piece of event 也能对我们生活产生很大改变，比如一件事改变了你的整个思想，这个思想去指导这之后所有的行动。所以两者有可比性，写清楚就好，不知这样理解如何？

margrate

0815 TPO 13 Integrated

写完后粘帖到word里好多错误啊，拼写错误已改，求改作

The lecture talks about that even though there are negative factors on the commercial fossils business, as a matter of fact, these negative influences are exaggerated. The reasons are as follows.

First, schools and museums can find new interesting fossils to satisfy the students and other people so that the public won't find it harder to see fossils. Therefore, there won't be a decline in public interest in fossils. The sales of fossils will encourage more people to discover new findings. Meanwhile, the whole quantity of the fossils being available to the public will increase, instead of decrease.

Second, the concern that scientists are likely to lose access to some of the most important fossils and there by miss out on potentially crucial discoveries about extinct life forms is unrealistic. The only person who can identify the fossils and who can tell the quality and location is scientist. That is to say, even though these fossils are destined to go to private collectors, they will be sent to the scientist first. In other words, scientist will have the opportunity to touch the fossils and won't miss out on potentially crucial discoveries.

Finally, though little amount of damages will be occurred, there will be incentives to discover more valuable fossils. In other words, if these fossils are damaged, people will go further way to discover new fossils. Actually, these kinds of damage will let more fossils to be exposed to the world, rather than completely undiscovered.

margrate

8月14日
感觉这种题目好难写，废话都不知道怎么写，这要是在考试的时候写，就死定了！
求改，多谢！
Subject: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. Although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people's lives have already taken place

Some people argue that although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people's lives have already taken place. This opinion undermines the important role that science and technology will play in our life and ignores the unremitting and profound influences that science and technology will have. I definitely agree that more significant improvement for the quality of people's lives will incur continuously.

First, there is no the most significant improvement, however, there is only more significant improvement for the quality of people's lives, triggered by continuing improvement of science and technology. For example, we hope that the train will go faster than ever before, in the meantime, we also hope that alone with the enhancement of the speed, the safety will also be guaranteed. We expect the improvement on medical technology so that we can deal with any difficult miscellaneous diseases. We wish all things like that. Our need has to be satisfied with the continuing improvement of science and technology which will lead to more significant improvement for the quality of people's lives.

Second, we could not deny the sustaining advancement brought about by science and technology to our life. Almost each impressive change on science and technology initiates a change in the quality of people's lives. For example, the success of the iPhone has made Apple the world's most profitable smartphone manufacturer. The iPhone has changed our ways to do things. We could work whenever and wherever possible without taking a computer on our hands, which facilitate our life most. The most important is that we, common people, have never envisioned this kind of change will come so quickly. And such kinds of changes have taken place more quickly than before. When will the next profound change happen? How and how much it will improve the quality of people's life? No one could give us a certain answer.

Finally, the impact of science and technology has become and will be much more extensive and various. In history, it took more than 110 years from using steamer engine to electric power; 90 years from electric power into a digital world, characterized by atomic energy, information technology, and space technology. Surprisingly it took less than 40 years into the Information Revolution. As time goes, each intensive improvement has taken profound promotion for the quality of people's lives. Moreover, the comprehensive influences that the continuing improvement of science and technology on people's lives has become various, involving all aspects of our lives.

At last, that what will happen next minute for the achievements and consequences that science and technology could bring about are definitely beyond our expectation. The most significant improvement for the quality of people's lives will always happen driving by the improvement of science and technology.

winnie98

Alex,我今天白天不在家...正在给margrate改8.14综合，请不要不给我分配~~~~(>_<)~~~~
谢谢啦~~~~~

winnie98

批注：
0814 Integrate TPO 12


From the lecture, it points out that the evidence that the subject of the painting portrait should be Jane Austen is unconvincing form(→from) the age of Jane Auste, the resemblance, and the canvas used. The specific reasons are as follows.

First, the portrait was proposed when Jand Jane Austen had died for almost 70 years. Even though Austen's family clearly recongnized(→recognized) it as a portrait of the author and climed(→ claimed) that the girl in the portrait was Jane Austen, for Jane Austen had died 70 years, there should be  nobody who had seen her or known her before.

Second, there may be many Janes who were resembled Jane Austen in Austen's family. Austen's family was such a big family that there might be many relevant young girls resembling Jane Austen. It was supposed that the subject of the portrait may be a distant neice of Jane Austen. Furthermore, as illustrated in the article, the face in the portrait clearly resembles that one in the sketch. Only resemblance could not be sound enought(→ enough是写这个词嘛？) that the subject is Jane Austen.

Finally, the canvas used by the painter shows that this kind of canvas was used when Jane Austen was older than teenager. From the canvas used, we can defer(→ infer是推测，defer是推迟) that the date of this portrait was later than the active time of the  portrait paninter. So the subject should not be Jane Austin.



2、3、4段应同时包含三要素:阅读观点，演讲观点(+细节),及二者之间的关系。
三要素的顺序无所谓。
我觉得演讲观点+细节说的已经很清楚详细，如果能稍微的提提阅读文章进行对比一下会更好


PS：我首段的大错误还好被你发现了~~~~

超级无敌小鹤鹤

TPO 13

The lecture talks about that even though there are negative factors on the commercial fossils business(用trade会更好), as a matter of fact, these negative influences are exaggerated. The reasons are as follows.(这样开头也可以，但是我建议可以试着改成 The reading XXX. The professor, however, XXX的格式~~~这样开头部分将阅读和听力的核心观点都点一下会更好~~ eg：The reading passage mentions that there are some negative factors on the commercial fossils trade. The lecture, however, feels that these influences are just exaggerated and actually, the benefits of the trade just outweigh its disadvantages.)

First, schools and museums can find new interesting fossils to satisfy the students and other people so that the public won't find it harder(hard，前面并没有用到比较级，所以这儿用hard原级就可以啦~~) to see fossils. Therefore, there won't be a decline in public interest in fossils(therefore和there连着，有种重复的感觉，不妨改成：Therefore, no decline will appear in public interest in fossils). The sales of fossils will encourage more people to discover new findings. Meanwhile, the whole quantity of the fossils being available to the public will increase, instead of decrease.

Second, the concern that scientists are likely to lose access to some of the most important fossils and there by miss out on potentially crucial discoveries about extinct life forms is unrealistic.(最好改成the professor thinks that the concern 。。。。。。。) The professor also mentions that The only person who can identify the fossils and who can tell the quality and location is scientist. That is to say, even though these fossils are destined to go to private collectors, they will be sent to the scientist first. In other words, scientist will have the opportunity to touch the fossils and won't miss out on potentially crucial discoveries.

Finally, though little amount of damages will be occurred, there will be incentives to discover more valuable fossils.(同样的  这儿最好用professor做主语) In other words, if these fossils are damaged, people will go further way to discover new fossils. Actually, these kinds of damage will let more fossils to be exposed to the world, rather than completely undiscovered. (这儿漏掉了一个点，就是 原来的时候there aren't that many fossil collecting operations that are run by universities and other scientific institutions.)

文章总的来说很不错，有两个tips：
1、在写三个分论点的时候，最好以professor thinks这样的形式写。毕竟你的作文是来总结professor和reading部分的内容的，而不是你自己写。
2、你的听力部分把握的很不错，所以综合部分你的内容没有什么太大问题，因此你可以稍微注意一下自己的一些表达，平时练习的时候稍微斟酌一下，争取综合部分拿高分！