8.3 第一次参加小分队，求砖拍~

sarahpx

8.2 独立写作
  Parents should help children to do their work or encourage children to do their work independently.

In this day and age, parents, the first and the most important person for every kid, are bothered by many dilemmas during child rearing: more beverages or not, more TV time or less, private school or public school? Eventually, they will run into this one: should they help with their kids’ school work or not? If they tend to help out every night, the situation may last as long as their children’s school years go. If they step back, their kids might risk falling behind in class, because all other kids are getting help from their parents. Nevertheless, “everyone else is doing it” is not a good reason for this action. Rather than help their children with school works, parents should encourage kids to solve their problem independently.



Apparently, coping with the works from children, parents consume a great deal of time and energy, which should have been used on job performance and home affairs. In Asian society, there never run short of parents working 12-8 hours at day job, and 4-5 hours as their kids’ tutors. Under the increasing burden, one day the white-collar parents will lose their former high performances; even the most vigorous ones cannot escape from this adversity. Take my colleague Melisa as an example. She suddenly fell behind from the top-5 sales to the failing group after her 7-year-old daughter attended primary school. Making hand work from art class, solving math puzzles, and supervising her girl’s word dictations, all these extra works turned her into careless and rude sales person when meeting clients. She lost her clients’ faith, and also her boss’. This is unfair for a young mother.



Besides, parents are not the good roles when tutoring kids at home. Parents already did their learning procedures when they were in school. In this phrase of their life, their priorities are to earn money and feed family. When taking on the helping role in kids’ school works, they have to relearn everything all over again with elder brains, be better at the works than their kids are, and explain every puzzle in easy-to-learn way. These procedures are really hard for parents. For example, if you have a kid in 3^rd grade, you must make endeavor to find three ways to solve a math question, to create four new colors out of three-primary colors with palettes, and even to collect pictures of more than 5 kinds of butterflies. Parent, who is neither a developmental expert nor a certificated teacher, can easily blur the line between helping and doing it for kids.



Admittedly, if you help out your kids as much as other parents, your children may achieve higher scores when ranking. And if you don’t do that, your children would probably lose their confidence on the ranking table. But the high score are the ultimate goal of education? You may take it serious right now, however, what are your considerations about the ability to face difficulties, the time management ability, the curiosity of knowledge, and the innovative spirit?The distinction should be critical because helping their school works gain one goal but fail all the others. Finally, we have to accept that our high-scored boy and girl have to do their researches independently. They have to overcome the depression and helplessness when facing tough problems, both academic and domestic.



Based on the discussion above, I strongly advocate parents to let go on their school work. Because tutoring on their homework do not effective as you imaged, but negatively influence you and your kids.


之前考过，用过模板，结果都fair，这次不拿模板写的，但是超时~哎

桃花影子

In this day and age, parents, the first and the most important person for every kid, are bothered by many dilemmas during child rearing: more beverages or not, more TV time or less, private school or public school? Eventually, they will run into this one: should they help with their kids’ school work or not? If they tend to help out every night, the situation may last as long as their children’s school years go.（这句不太明白你想要表达的意思）If they step back, their kids might risk falling behind in class, because all other kids are getting help from their parents.（这句话也是同样问题，如果他们step back，他们的小孩就可能有落后的危险，因为所有别的小孩都从他们父母那取得帮助。这是我对你这句话的解读，不知道有没有错误。后来我明白你想要表达的意思了，我觉得主要问题就出在这个step back上面吧，它是有退后的意思，所以造成了我解读成“如果他们退回到过去，他们就会发现……”这样的误会。因而导致了我对你想要表达的意思陷入了一头雾水的状态。所以最好还是选择一些清晰明了的词，例如ignore之类）Nevertheless, “everyone else is doing it” is not a good reason for this action. Rather than help their children with school works, parents should encourage kids to solve their problem independently.
你开头的内容很丰富，有背景，有各方观点，有自己的看法。唯一不足的是一些句式的欠缺和逻辑性的考量。


Apparently, coping with the works from children, parents consume a great deal of time and energy, which should have been used on job performance and home affairs. In Asian society, there never run short of parents working （weird）12-8 hours at day job, and 4-5 hours as their kids’ tutors. Under the increasing burden, one day the white-collar parents will lose their former high performances; even the most vigorous ones cannot escape from this adversity（这个词会不会太严重了？）. Take my colleague Melisa as an example. She suddenly fell behind from the top-5 sales to the failing group after her 7-year-old daughter attended primary school. Making hand work from art class, solving math puzzles, and supervising her girl’s word dictations, all these extra works turned her into careless and rude sales person when meeting clients. She lost her clients’ faith, and also her boss’. This is unfair for a young mother.
这段的观点挺好的，值得我借鉴。例子也suitable。不过要是末尾再有一个结论点题相信会更好。


Besides, parents are not the good roles（还是语言表达的问题，不太明白是说parents是一个不合适的角色，还是一个bad的角色when tutoring kids at home. You may express it more explicitly.因为这是一个论点句，我觉得还是表达清楚一点比较好，否则读者万一理解错了就会有一个先入为主的观念，带着错误的理解读下文就会变得weird。） when tutoring kids at home. Parents already did their learning procedures when they were in school. In this phrase of their life, their priorities are to earn money and feed family. When taking on the helping role in kids’ school works, they have to relearn everything all over again with elder brains,to be better at the works than their kids are, and explain every puzzle in an easy-to-learn way. These procedures are really hard for parents. For example, if you have a kid in 3^rd grade, you must make endeavor to find three ways to solve a math question, to create four new colors out of three-primary colors with palettes, and even to collect pictures of more than 5 kinds of butterflies.(Eh.. excuse me?) Parent, who is neither a developmental expert nor a certificated teacher, can easily blur the line between helping and doing it for kids.



Admittedly, if you help out your kids as much as other parents, your children may achieve higher scores when ranking. And if you don’t do that, your children would probably lose their confidence on the ranking table. But the high score are(is the high score) the ultimate goal of education? You may take it serious right now, however, (这个however貌似不是上句的插入吧？这样的话，上句结束以后应该要句号。)what are your considerations about the ability to face difficulties, the time management ability, the curiosity of knowledge, and the innovative spirit?（其实我不知道这样用问好还是不好，个人感觉改成陈述句更符合行文规范一些。你也可以请教一下大牛~）The distinction should be critical because helping their school works gain one goal but fail all the others. Finally, we have to accept that our high-scored boy and girl have to do their researches independently. They have to overcome the depression and helplessness when facing tough problems, both academic and domestic.



Based on the discussions above, I strongly advocate parents to let go on their(应该是说他们小孩的吧，这里的their变成了是parents了。)school work. Because tutoring on their homework do not effective as you imaged, but negatively influence you and your kids.



总结：总的来说，文章大致思路还是比较清晰的。字数也不少。另外，懂得用一些比较formal的词汇还是挺不错的。

比较欠缺的几点一个是句式的问题。不知道是我的问题还是什么，很多句子总觉得怪怪的~

另一个就是论点，我发现亲的三段全部都是用来反驳argument的，可以尝试一下从正面的角度来写。例如我自己就是，写了两段independent怎么好，接着写了一段with the help of their parents怎么不好。这样的。

最后，我想说的是~我真的没试过给别人改作文~~以上的意见或建议可能比较肤浅吧%>_<%亲听听就好了~~说得不对的地方就抱歉了~~~~

sarahpx

谢谢桃花~~确实有些词现在看起来才发现歧义了(⊙o⊙)…

sarahpx

8.4 独立作文
For future career success, is relate well to other people more important than studying hard at school?

Coming amid the deepest global economic slump for several decades, youngsters have never been so eager to seek one direction that lead them thrive on future career. To a majority of people, they study hard to gain high academic scores, expecting to win applause and respect on future jobs just like they were in school. However, things do not always happen like that. Personally, I reckon that positively building up social network is more important than hard studying.

To begin with, relating well to others improves one of the most critical working competences—communication skills. No matter in your private interpersonal circles or in public occasions, you may hardly know any welcomed “star” who is silent and clumsy. From entertaining new friends by talking jokes to impressing audience with a great speech, they usually accumulate the ability to talk humorously and effectively. And they do benefit from the improvement. Take my brother Joey as an example. After entering the university, fabulous parties and club activities turn him from a silent and shy boy to a talkative gentleman. Now he has already got an intern job when his classmates just start applications. It is the networking that encourages him to speak himself soundly.

Moreover, recommendation from your acquaintance is a gateway to the opportunity boosting your career. Have you ever waited for several weeks to send a resume to a company when courting their new position? Have you ever stayed in a pushing line in order to get chance to talk to a recruiter for a few minutes? Have you ever racked your wits about a job promotion? Getting one specific letter from your enterprise internal referee, things may go much more smoothly. Additionally, social statistical research reveals that recommending way is overwhelming superior to common online applications. Mercer, one of the biggest human resource consulting companies in the U.S., announced a report about the data of different recruitment passing rates from more than 340 multinational corporations. Indirectly as it is, recommending way maintains a passing rate of 42.3%, which is twice higher than the rate of online way.

Admittedly, under no circumstance can we deny that school-time is the best time for receiving education. Apart from the adequate educational resources and long period of fixed time, our energy and mind are mounting to best conditions. Nevertheless, do the knowledge and skills we learn from school help your future work? Even special as doctors, they can hardly avoid placating their patients, handling the relations with nurses, and even negotiating with indignant family members of patients. And these issues can be buffered when you have a relatively large network of friendship.

Based on the discussions above, we can draw a conclusion that social network weights more heavily when pursuing a promising career than studying in school does.

lemonyhu

8.4 独立作文
For future career success, is relate well to other people more important than studying hard at school?

Coming amid the deepest global economic slump for several decades, youngsters have never been so eager to seek one direction that lead（这里是不是要用单三？因为修饰的是one direction~待定） them thrive on future career. To a majority of people, they study hard to gain high academic scores, expecting to win applause and respect on future jobs just like they were in school. However, things do not always happen like that. Personally, I reckon that positively building up social network is more important than hard studying.

To begin with, relating well to others improves one of the most critical working competences—communication skills. No matter in your private interpersonal circles or in public occasions, you may hardly know any welcomed “star” who is silent and clumsy. From entertaining new friends by talking jokes（我google了一下~貌似telling jokes要更常用~当然talk也可以） to impressing audience with a great speech（应该用复数，要和they相对）, they usually accumulate the ability to talk humorously and effectively. And they do benefit from the improvement. Take my brother Joey as an example. After entering the university, fabulous parties and club activities turn him from a silent and shy boy to a talkative gentleman. Now he has already got an intern job when his classmates just start applications. It is the networking that encourages him to speak himself soundly.（这个搭配有点怪怪的）

Moreover, recommendation from your acquaintance is a gateway to the opportunity boosting your career. Have you ever waited for several weeks to send a resume to a company when courting their new position? （一般指的是体育里的站位问题）Have you ever stayed in a pushing line（waiting list？） in order to get chance to talk to a recruiter for a few minutes? Have you ever racked your wits about a job promotion? Getting one specific letter from your enterprise internal referee, things may go much more smoothly. Additionally, social statistical research reveals that recommending way is overwhelming（overwhelmingly） superior to common online applications. Mercer, one of the biggest human resource consulting companies in the U.S., announced a report about the data of different recruitment passing rates from more than 340 multinational corporations. Indirectly as it is, recommending way maintains a passing rate of 42.3%, which is twice higher than the rate of online way.

Admittedly, under no circumstance can we deny that school-time is the best time for receiving education. Apart from the adequate educational resources and long period of fixed time, our energy and mind are mounting to best conditions. Nevertheless, do the knowledge and skills we learn from school help your future work? Even special as doctors, they can hardly avoid placating their patients, handling the relations with nurses, and even negotiating with indignant family members of patients. And these issues can be buffered when you have a relatively large network of friendship.

Based on the discussions above, we can draw a conclusion that social network weights more heavily when pursuing a promising career than studying in school does.

总体来说很喜欢楼主行文的风格和句子词汇的运用，但是有些单词尤其是搭配好像不太恰当~
水蓝色是我觉得很好的句式，红色是我觉得稍微有不妥的地方~~

读了楼主的文章我也和受启发呢~~~
加油加油！！

sarahpx

确实，我词汇搭配挺薄弱的，有的时候记不得固定搭配急了就自己编……哎真该好好背短语例句*……%*%……
many  thx to lemo!! BTW 你的我也改好了~

sarahpx

8.5 综合

TPO3

The reading passage explores the issue that one painting, known as attributed to Rembrandt, is not his authentic work by offering three evidences. However, with thorough reexamination of some experts, the lecturer holds a completely opposite idea against what the reading passage states.


First of all, the lecturer argues that the fur collar wasn’t the part of the original painting. The X-rays and some analysis of the painting have showed that the fur collar was painted 100 years after the painting was initially made. It is very possible that someone added the fur collar to make the portrait more formal. Therefore, the lecturer contradicts the opinion of the reading passage presenting the inconsistency of the portrait.


Moreover, the lecturer indicates that, as long as the fur collar was removed, the original painting presents a light colored cloth, which reflects the light illuminating the lady’s face. This is definitely running counter to the light and shadow error mentioned in reading passage, because the light and shadow of original one are very realistic and as the same what we expect from Rembrandt.


Finally, to challenge the evidence that the panel of the painting made by several piece of wood glued together, the lecturer provides some new findings that illustrates the painting was made on one single piece of wood. One of the finding shows that the panel was enlarged with extra wood to make it more grand and valuable. In addition, another finding reveals that the original piece of wood and the wood panel of another painting by Rembrandt are from the very same tree.

guodonghu

黄色精彩处红色错误蓝色建议绿色总结， 走你~~~

8.5 综合

TPO3

The reading passage explores the issue that one painting, known as attributed to Rembrandt, is not his authentic work by offering three evidences. （句式很好，值得我学习）However, with thorough reexamination of some experts, the lecturer holds a completely opposite idea against what the reading passage states.


First of all, the lecturer argues that the fur collar wasn’t the part of the original painting. The X-rays and some analysis of the painting have showed that the fur collar was painted 100 years after the painting was initially made. It is very possible that someone added the fur collar to make the portrait more formal(add the paint's value by making the dress seem more formal \ 画more formal 是为了提高value ，the lecturer is emphasizing the point of rasing vlaue not making it seem more formal). Therefore, the lecturer contradicts the opinion of the reading passage presenting the inconsistency of the portrait.


Moreover, the lecturer indicates that, as long as the fur collar was removed, the original painting presents a light colored cloth, which reflects the light illuminating the lady’s face. This is definitely running counter to the light and shadow error mentioned in reading passage, because the light and shadow of original one are very realistic and as the same what we expect from Rembrandt.


Finally, to challenge the evidence that the panel of the painting made by several pieces（单复数啊 亲） of wood glued together, the lecturer provides some new findings that illustrates the (orginial) painting was made on one single piece of wood. One of the finding shows that the panel was enlarged with extra wood to make it more grand（用grander 听力中此处是教授的口语错误，grand的比较级是grander 纯属个人意见）and more valuable. In addition, another finding reveals that the original piece of wood and the wood panel of another painting by Rembrandt （此处提是R的自画像，你就更完美了，增加细节得高分）are from the very same tree.

总结：
LZ的听力真好，我听了好几遍有些细节才注意到。LZ练听力的技巧介绍一下好么？
LZ的词汇，句子写的都很好，看出来写作功底很强。把听力再练的强一点就厉害了，综合作文肯定能拿good的。
其中单复数，比较级还是要注意

ps
综合写作我刚练过3篇，觉得听力是最重要的，很多地方我听一遍是记不下来的。
我听了好几遍，自己又写了一篇，才敢献丑给LZ改，哈哈~

谢谢你给我推荐的书，我正在看，里面的内容很好，对我很有帮助。
非常乐意与你讨论作文
谢谢LZ帮我改我的独立作文。

guodonghu

谢谢 sarahpx
我这人逻辑超差。
文章句子单一，没有什么出彩的地方，这方面我要加强。

guodonghu

8.5独立开头我又仔细的想了想：
Version 1
As a girl, have you ever imagined you were Rose in Titanic who owed a legendary love? As(当) you were in adversity,have you been inspired by the scene of Shawshank's successful escape. As your beloved needed your help, have you imagined you were the 'Spiderman' who could give his beloved a hand at an emergency ? Undoubtedly, most of protagnists and highlights on the screens bring us many positive influences for our life.

Version 2
As a young man, have you ever imagined you were the one like Spiderman or Superman who could save the world someday? As a young lady, have you ever imagined you were the one like Rose whose love sotry moved millions of young men worldwide.Undoubtedly, most of protagnists and highlights on the screens bring us many positive influences for our life.