桃子作文。多多指教，多谢~

桃花影子

新人一枚。很高兴加入到TOEFL写作这个大家庭里来~希望我们在前行的路上相互扶持，一起chase dream！
非常感谢那些批改我作文的CDER们！辛苦了~

桃花影子

8.3 独立 Parents should help children to do their work or encourage children to do their work independently

Mostly, children would find themselves difficulties when doing their homework. When this occurs, they may turn to their parents for help so that they can finish their homework with high-efficiency. In my opinion, however, this condition should be avoid as children may grow reliance on their parents which may hinder their ability to settle things on their own in the future career. So in my point of view, children should be encouraged to do their work independently.

To begin with, it's obvious that the more people use their mind the more clever they will be. For example, many successful scientists such as Newton and Einstand prefered to solve problems on their own. Although they may suffer a lot of trouble, they would finnally succeed due to their persistence in persuing the resolution of the problems they encounter. Therefore, with a more independent mind, people would be shape to a more intellectual ones.

In the second place, everybody may find that doing our work independently would bring us huge sense of achievement. Remember the time back to our high school time when we were doing our math homework, each time you solve a tough problem on your own hand you may felt like defeating some scaring monster. This will undoubtedly give you a lot of confindence and strength to face the upcoming problems or exams. On the contrary, if one keep asking for help every time they stuck into a question, they may lose their courage to overcome diffculties gradually.

Last but not the least, it is apparently that the help offer by parents to their children's homework will let these children gradually lose their ability to solve the problem on their own. What's more, it's uneasy for a child to solve the problem in a real test independently once he get accustomed to seeking for help of his parents. Take one of my friends for example, she really does her work in a fast speed with the help of her family. However, on the final examination she always finds herself lack of time in accomplishing her paper. This reveals the bad feedback of her method towards work. Accordingly, the parents' assistance will harm their children's self development and weaken their self-confidence.

To sum up, although asking for help to the parents may be a good way to settle children's problem, children should better do their work independently. Only in this way will their children be more intelligent and thus more confidence than thoes who always turn to their parents for help when they meet a problem.

sherryzhangh

Mostly, children would findthemselves (may encounter some) difficultieswhen doing their homework. When this occurs, they may turn to their parents forhelp so that they can finish their homework with high-efficiency. In myopinion, however, this condition should be avoid as children may grow relianceon their parents which may hinder their ability to settle things on their ownin the future career. So in my point of view, children should be encouraged todo their work independently.

To begin with, it's obvious that themore when people using their minds more(感觉这样指代会清楚一些), the cleverer they will be. For example,many successful scientists such as Newton and Einstein preferred to solveproblems on their own. Although they may suffer a lot of trouble, they wouldfinally succeed due to their persistence in pursuing the resolution of theproblems they encounter. Therefore, with a more independent mind, people wouldbe shaped (应该是被动吧)to more intellectual ones.

In the second place, everybodymay find that doing our work independently would bring us huge sense ofachievement. Remember the time back to our high school time when we weredoing our math homework, each time you solve a tough problem on your own handyou may felt like defeating some scaring monster. This will undoubtedly giveyou a lot of confidence and strength to face the upcoming problems or exams. Onthe contrary, if one keeps asking for help every time they stuck into aquestion, they may lose their courage to overcome difficulties gradually.

Last but not the least, it isapparently that the help offer by parents to their children's homework will letthese children gradually lose their ability to solve the problem on their own.What's more, it's uneasy for a child to solve the problem in a real testindependently once he get accustomed to seeking for help of his parents. Takeone of my friends for example; she really does her work in a fast speed withthe help of her family. However, on the final examination she always findsherself lack of time in accomplishing her paper. This reveals the bad feedbackof her method towards work. Accordingly, the parents' assistance will harmtheir children's self-development and weaken their self-confidence.

To sum up, although asking for help to the parents may bea good way to settle children's problem, children should better do their workindependently. Only in this way will (你是想用倒装吗？) their children will be more intelligentand thus more confidence than those who always turn to their parents for helpwhen they meet a problem.

第一篇作文， 我觉得你的基础不错， 有自己的基本的模板， 句型上也还可以。
但是我觉得还是中式表达方式居多， 应该多看看范文。

桃花影子

多谢亲的批改~和亲提出的宝贵意见。
最后那句是想用倒装。不过only in this way后面不是直接接will的吗？

桃花影子

8月20日 独立
your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.

On the pursuit of happiness, people behave different due to their attitude towards their varied understanding of happiness. Some people regard happiness as success of one's career, so that's why these people find job more effective on their happiness. Contrary to this opinion is my heartfelt objection that social life may play more effect than job does on one's happiness. My reasons are listed as follows.

To begin with, it goes without saying that a moderate relationship among others often bring us a vent to release ourselves thus be happier about the current situations. People live in the contemporary society often suffer with depression and stress, therefore many companies include facilities such as kitchen and bars in the company to instigate the communication of their employees. Through this way, the workers may find themselves to be more content than those in a company without such social facilities. So with the help of one's social life, people may reduce their anxiety through work and thus achieve more happiness.

In the second place, I think it's obvious that social life nowadays is considered on its highest stage than it ever was in the past, thus play a more priority role to our happiness. As the fast growing global world, we are now involved in a society which is less space for your own. Not to mention acquire happiness without social life. Take me for example, I often feel satisfied when everything goes well in my social life, even if there's something wrong with my job. Because of the strength given by my friends or teachers, I would be totally inspired and have the courage to overcome problems.

Last but not the least, sometimes one's happiness, or even life, could be ruined if their social life is not pleased to them. During recent decades, we've heard a lot more about cases that some employees jumped off their working buildings and committed suicide because of the stress they suffer from work. Most of these employees are from noble companies. We can learn from it that although these people already get a satisfied job, their stress outweighed the happiness that the job gave them. I believe, however, with a lot more social life their depressions could be taken away. Thus it's really essential to find balance between job and social life.

To sum up, although some people argues that job could bring them money and social status and thus contribute to their happiness, I persist that social life as the more effective means for us to pursuit happiness. Because social life not only gives us a channel to communicate with other people, but also gives us a vent to discharge our despondent feelings.

lxc1989614

On the pursuit of happiness, people behave different due to their attitude towards their varied understanding of happiness. Some people regard happiness as success of one's career, so that's why these people find job more effective on their happiness. Contrary to this opinion is my heartfelt objection that social life may play more effect than job does on one's happiness. My reasons are listed as follows.

To begin with, it goes without saying that a moderate relationship among others often bring us a vent to release ourselves thus be(being) happier about the current situations. People live in the contemporary society often suffer with depression and stress, therefore many companies include facilities such as kitchen and bars in the company to instigate the communication of their employees. Through this way, the workers may find themselves to be more content than those in a company without such social facilities. So with the help of one's social life, people may reduce their anxiety through work and thus achieve more happiness.不太清楚thus的用法

In the second place, I think it's obvious that social life nowadays is considered on its highest stage than it ever was in the past, thus play a more priority role to our happiness. As the fast growing global world, we are now involved in a society which is less space for your(our) own. Not to mention acquire happiness without social life. Take me for example, I often feel satisfied when everything goes well in my social life, even if there's something wrong with my job. Because of the strength given by my friends or teachers, I would be totally inspired and have the courage to overcome problems.

Last but not the least, sometimes one's happiness, or even life, could be ruined if their social life is not pleased to them. During recent decades, we've heard a lot more about cases that some employees jumped off their working buildings and committed suicide because of the stress they suffer from work. Most of these employees are from noble companies. We can learn from it that although these people already get a satisfied job, their stress outweighed the happiness that the job gave them. I believe, however, with a lot more social life their depressions could be taken away. Thus it's really essential to find balance between job and social life.

To sum up, although some people argues(argue) that job could bring them money and social status and thus contribute to their happiness, I persist that social life as the more effective means for us to pursuit happiness. Because social life not only gives us a channel to communicate with other people, but also gives us a vent to discharge our despondent feelings.

桃花影子

走过路过的各位~还有谁能再给点8月20日 独立 多一点意见吗？？求狠批！！谢谢！！！

桃花影子

8月21独立 It is often not a good thing to move to a new city or a new country because of the lose of old friends
耗时43min+word修改单词错误5min~请不要大意的给我意见吧，亲！

We are now stepping into a world which changes fast in everywhere and every aspect, including changing our neighbourhoods. Faced with some inevitable circumstance, people are moving from one place to another. Therefore, it is hard for them to keep friendship with a stable community. From where I stand, however, I consider it is not a bad thing to move to a new city or a new country since we may lose our friends during the process. My reasons are listed as follows.

To begin with, I think it goes without saying that the deepest relationship won't be interrupt even we separate from each other. Take me for instance; my family left our hometown since I was a little girl. In my hometown, I got a lot of friends and one of them is my best friends. Although I went far away from that place I once lived, me and my best friend still keep in touch every once in a while. What's more, each time when I back to my hometown I will bring her some presents and she will take me to many places which I am no longer familiar with. So I think leaving a country does not mean your friendship would be ruin, especially he or she is your truly friend.

In the second place, I believe that it is obvious that moving to a new city or a new country would assist us in making more new friends. As soon as I moved to a new place which I make me like a stranger here, I feel so lonely and was eager to make friends with some unfamiliar people around me. Admittedly, things didn't go well as I suppose at first, but in the long run me and my new friends gradually accustomed to each other and finally became very good friends. Therefore, I do appreciate the chance offered by moving to the new place, so that I can discover someone else beyond my hometown.

Last but not the least, in my perspective, leaving an old city or an old country does not only means that you can make new friends in the new place, but also have other merits such as new horizon and broaden eyesight. Since the situation in my hometown is not as advanced as in some modern cities, moving to a new place really inspired me a lot. I learn the pace that the people in this new city take, and the way people react to each other. What's more, the fabulous structures and constructions really give me a strong eye shot. Not to mention the convenient facilities and cultural spots such as museums and libraries offered by the local government. Thus, moving to a new city or a new country really benefits us a lot through every aspect.

To sum up, although leaving where we used to live and moving to new space may make us lost some of our old friends, some of our genuine friends will still keep in touch with us. Far from that, moving to a new city will let us make new friends and learn more about the world around us. Therefore, move to a new city or a new country is not as bad as some people might have concerned.

stephaniemax

We are now stepping into a world which changes fast in everywhere and in every aspect, including changing our neighbourhoods. Faced with some inevitable circumstances, people are moving from one place to another. Therefore, it is hard for them to keep friendship with-in  a stable community. From where I stand, however, I consider it is not a bad thing to move to a new city or a new country since(表原因么？好像不合逻辑） we may lose our friends during the process. My reasons are listed as follows.

To begin with, I think it goes without saying that the deepest relationship won't be interrupted even we separate from each other. Take me for instance; my family left our hometown since I was a little girl. In my hometown, I got a lot of friends and one of them is my best friends. Although I went far away from that place I once lived, me and my best friend still I still keep in touch with my friend every once in a while. What's more, each time when I back to my hometown I will bring her some presents and she will takes me to many places which I am no longer familiar with. So I think leaving a country does not mean your friendship would be ruin, especially he or she is your truly friend.

In the second place, I believe that it is obvious that moving to a new city or a new country would assist us in by making more new friends. As soon as I moved to a new place which I make me makes me feel like a stranger here, I feel felt so lonely and was eager to make friends with some unfamiliar people around me. Admittedly, things didn't go well as I supposed at first, but in the long run me I and my new friends gradually accustomed to each other and finally became very good friends. Therefore, I do appreciate the chance offered by moving to the new place, so that I can discover someone else beyond my hometown.

Last but not the least, in from my perspective, leaving an old city or an old country does not only means that you can make new friends in the new place, but also have has other merits such as new horizon and broaden eyesight. Since the situation in my hometown is not as advanced as in some modern cities, moving to a new place really inspired me a lot. I learn the pace that the people in this new city take, and the way people react to each other. What's more, the fabulous structures and constructions really give me a strong eye shot. Not to mention the convenient facilities and cultural spots such as museums and libraries offered by the local government. Thus, moving to a new city or a new country really benefits us a lot through every aspect.

To sum up, although leaving where we used to live and moving to new space may make us lost some of our old friends, some of our genuine friends will still keep in touch with us. Far from that, moving to a new city will let us make new friends and learn more about the world around us. Therefore, movemoving to a new city or a new country is not as bad as some people might have concerned.

楼主的idea和结构还是不错的，值得我学习，每一段的主题很明确，这是小错误还是有点多，可能是给自己押了时间就粗心了吧，平时练习注意应该就好了，比如：主谓一致， 时态，单复数，人称等，大概是考gmat留下的后遗症，我对这个比较敏感。楼主多爱用动名词做主语，蛮好蛮好，但是可以有更多的句式变化，强调句什么的。可能楼主的行文风格就是比较亲切，不是那种论述文正式，但是例子都蛮不错的！加油加油！

桃花影子

谢谢亲~~很仔细呢~~~是啊，我也觉得一掐时间就手忙脚乱呢~~