【写作小分队】 8.3 开始独立作文！大家有意就来帮我改改吧！非常感谢晨依对我巨大的帮助，我会继续努力的

eva0401

第一次写作文，结构逻辑我就弄了两个小时， 写句子就更是改来改去越来越乱了，希望大家踊跃批改，给我多一些改正！

帮助孩子 vs 鼓励孩子独立

  Have you ever been encouraged by parents when you needed to accomplish an assignment which you realized you can`t finish it? Have you ever been Become more responsible due to your parents teach you how to undertake the pressure from society instead of finish these things by your parents? Have you ever been gained the parent`s affirmative still go through failure alone to face the challenge courageously? If you don`t have such experiences, you would not realize why it is important to encourage children finish work on their own. Hence, there's no doubt that people should encourage their children and let children do work independent rather that substitute for their work. The reason for this opinion involves many aspects including the techniques of encourage and teach.

鼓励孩子独立优点1

  To begin with, it can improve the competition of children in society by encouraged them to do things independently. Nowadays, with the expand error values put forwards by parents, there are increasingly children are less likely to acquire opportunity to complete tasks independently. parents want to their children enjoy wealth left by their parents.so they replace their children make a decision. But , At the same time, they want to cultivate their child to get more advantage. Thus that`s leads to a worse dilemma when children go into society, he might be not wholesome developed to have a good competitive. I have a live example, I have a neighbor who wants to go abroad to get his agronomy master degree. but his parents take account into consideration that preparing to go abroad is a difficult thing, so they help he arrange those things, but when he in abroad, he found himself difficult to independently adapt life in abroad. This decision not only let him lose the training  opportunities for addressing capacity but also does`t help children more competitive.

鼓励孩子优点2

  Admittedly, the process of children to solve the problem, not only will this experience broaden children`s capacity of communication but it may also inspire children`s team spirit. There has a survey on internet ,it shows that 80 percent parents have been realized that their children prefer to parent`s encourage them to work out the difficult problems rather that finishing the assignments by their effort. Some parents response that to help children doing their works sometimes could even has a negative effect.

However ,I can`t help but emphasis that in the initial years of our life, our parents are involved in helping us, in modulating our personality and making us understand the differences between right and wrong. on the other hand,  in spite of the fact that parents are those who give us lots of assistance in a variety of fields, our parents are still have limited information and by no stretch of consideration can parents substitute for children be regarded considered as a rather right decision.



  In sum, al these illustrations point out that parents should encourage their children work independently, at the same time, we must not totally neglect the advantage of help children. It depend on things that which techniques is more appropriate.

guodonghu

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误， 走起~~~~~
帮助孩子 vs 鼓励孩子独立

 Have you ever been encouraged by parents when you needed to accomplish an assignment which you realized you can`t (could not)finish it? Have you ever been Become more responsible due to (due to 不能这么用 due to sth)because your parentsteach taught you how to undertake the pressure from society instead of finishing these things by your parents?不明白这句话的确切意思 Have you ever been gained the parent`s affirmative still go through failure alone to face the challenge courageously？（词典里没找到你写的这个词，U mean ：bravely？）If you don`t have such experiences, you would not realize why it is important to encourage children to finish work on their own. Hence, there's no doubt that people should encourage their children and let children do work independently rather that than substitute for their work children to finish the work（substitute 的动词用法 A substitue for B）. The reason for this opinion involves many aspects including the techniques of encouragement and teaching.(teach 不是名词 是动词)

LZ 要注意动词的时态。 副词修饰动词。 一些词的名词形式。

鼓励孩子独立优点1

 To begin with, it can improve the competition competitiveness（这个词没有“竞争力”的意思） of children in society byencouraged  encouraging them to do things independently. Nowadays, with the expanding error values putting forwards by parents, there are increasingly childrenare less likely to acquire opportunity to complete tasks independently（there be 句型再好好学习一下，另外注意主谓宾 一句话中不能 有两个动词）. Parents（大小写要注意） want to their children to enjoy wealth left bytheir parents them.So （大小写要注意）they replace their children make a decision（这个意思？They make decision for their children）. But , At the same time, they want to cultivate their children to get more advantages（这么说好别扭）. Thus that`s leads to a worse dilemma when children go into society, they he might be not wholesome developed（might be not prepared enough） to have a good competitiveness. I have a live example, I have a neighbor who wanted to go abroad to get his agronomy master degree. ，but his parents take account into consideration believed（take account 有考虑的意思 consideration 还是考虑的意思 ，重复了 你要表达的意思是 “父母认为”）that preparing to go abroad was a difficult （boring） thing for their son. So they helped him arrange everything, but when he was in abroad alone, he found himself difficult to adapt himself to the life in abroad. This decision not only let him lose the training  opportunities for addressing their son's indenpendent capacity but also did harm to their son.

例子想的很恰当，但例子要写帮助孩子是如何让孩子失去竞争力的。把“孩子不独立”再和“竞争力联系一下”
把例子写成过去时。
鼓励孩子优点2

 Admittedly（让步才使用admittedly，此处说 Furthermore 或者Further就可以）, the process of children solving the problem, not only will this experience broadens （sharpen也行）children`s capacity（skill） of communication but it may also inspire children`s team spirit. There hasis a survey on internet ,it shows that 80 percent of parents have been realized that their children prefer to work out the difficult problems with their parents' help rather than to finish the assignments by their efforts.（rather than的用法再学习一下； “平行结构”再学习一下，黑色粗体是“平行结构”）Some parents response that to help children doingtheir works sometimes could even has a negative effect.

第二个主体段的主题句写的很好。但不coherence下面的supporting ideas 没有论述主体句，需要写个4-5句论论述一下。

However ,I can`t help butemphasis emphasizing（词性要搞清） that in the initial years of our life, our parents are involved in helping us, in modulating perfecting our personality （用词读着别扭）and making us understand the differences between right and wrong. On the other hand,  in spite of the fact that parents are those who give us lots of assistance in a variety of fields, our parents are still have limited information and by no stretch of consideration can parents substitute for children be regarded considered as a rather right decision.（你要表达这个意思？consequently, parents's decision may be not a desirable one.）



 In sum, all these illustrations point out that parents should encourage their children to finish work independently, at the same time, we must not totally neglect the advantages of help children. It depend on things that which techniques is more appropriate.
结尾实际上你写出你要表达的意思。你文章的主旨是你认为要鼓励孩子独立，但结尾说鼓励孩子好吗，又说帮孩子好。给人的感觉就是你在结尾又两边观点都同意了。

总结：
用了1小时改LZ的作文。
LZ的文章的结构： Para1 介绍背景，阐明观点 3-5句话 Para2 body段 说你观点的一个理由，写点支持的句子和举个例子。6-8句。Para3 同Para2 。Para4 说下反方观点的合理性和不足。 Para5 总结一下，3-5句。
文章的结构可以按照这样写。
看出来LZ写作文时下了功夫的。文章结构我没有改，只改了文章中的部分句子和语法错误。
其中需要注意语法错误，单词的大小写。这些仔细检查可以避免一部分。

guodonghu

指出的几处错误很好。

可数名词永远不能单独使用；
assistance是不可数名词；
简单句，并列句和复杂句还得再学习一下。

谢谢，eva 。我是第一个改你作文的，很荣幸。 共同进步！

eva0401

共同进步 那个啥 今天你还写 8.4独立作文吗？我正在开始想理由中，痛苦ing

eva0401

For future career success, is related well to other people more important than studying hard at school?
【8.4 第二篇 吵了一些185的 为什么想例子就这么难居然写不下去 000】

 1.For future career success, is related well to other people more important than studying hard at school?


  Have you ever embarrassed by communication resulted in the lower efficiency working at a team? Have you ever heard about a company jeopardized by poor working relationship , the company had a bad performance?  Have you ever experienced the recruiter denial of a student who can`t show himself good even if Even though he has a high degree? If you have had not such experiment you'll not know the importance of be well to other people with communication. Hence in my eyes,for collage graduates ,a dearth of knowledge about how to communication will prove to be their Achilles`s heel.there is no doubt that teamwork skill plays a more important role.The reason for this opinion involves many aspects.  
分论点1 现代人如果不会合作，他也不能成功
 To begin with, As a proverb said that “Two head are better than one”, it is very important for students to learn how to work in team and cooperate well with others. There is no denying that by getting a higher GPA score in school conducive to a better competitiveness. However, I can't help but emphasize this will guarantee one’s success in his future career. Increasingly students excessively concentrate on how to improve a desired progress, but when they have to work in a team, they will realized that Cooperation is an obstacle. Some of them even become Dictators and mavericks who just only believe in their own ability and refuse to listen to others. This phenomenon give rise to a bad circumstance . Nowadays, the society is boosted by information, people have to learn how to exchange the ideas. For instance, steven jobs, one of the richest and most successful businessmen around the world, will never be well-known and successful as today if he cannot cooperate well with his partners. His success does actually not merely base on his own talented and diligence, but on agglomeration of his hard-working and others’ supports.  Nothing is more important than to receive how to cooperation.
分论点2.  合作比单独做好
 Furthermore ,  It is conceivable that one company can strengthen their work efficiency by cooperation than when they work alone,it`s nice to know that everybody is working for the benefits of the organization. To increasing the assert and the potential of a certain organization will be of great help for everyone .Teamwork is the best choice. And for one to achieve his dream, it is essential to get other members who share his vision. Take for example Mahatma Gandhi and Mother Teresa.  they had cooperation from people around them for a worthy cause, and this was enough to make them immortal in the pages of history. due to the fact that cooperation is better than work alone. And people can learn  much more experience from cooperation which we can`t learn from books.
 
重新写了第二段，因为上面分论点2 我觉得不够好，所以加了一个 ，参考了下GWINNER的作品（他的文字好流畅，好羡慕哒） 来不起了 想睡了 明天给gwinner 你改哈
分论点2（版本2 ）Furthermore, it is conceivable that communication can strengthen the opportunity in working , opportunity is an essential factor that should be taken into consideration when it comes to successful career. So to increasing the ability of communication will be of great help for everyone in school. students should learn how to be an effective team member and how to communicate well with others, rather than learn how to be the one who merely can accomplish their own job independently. And in order to finish a assignment impressively or on company`s own account , people should training themselves to be Of good character.One of my friends graduate from a top university , When he participated in the work ,We are very surprised by the exclusion of colleagues . And finally , He could not withstand the pressure , and automatic resignation.
 Admittedly , On no account can we ignore the value of hard studying, hardly can students get the passport to top universities and collages without a marvelous score, and only if we armed with the ability of study, we can prepare all the time.


  In conclusion,i totally agree that in order to get a successful future career , students learn how to related well to people is more important than only learn how to study hardly,
Cooperation can promote the development of the work efficiency and people can gain much more knowledge through communication.

晨依Jacqueline

来看看eva的作文 果冻亲改的很认真呢 赞一个！
eva建议以后可以把提纲改英文的~ 简单一写 几个单词明白意思就好
感觉语言方面还要慢慢积累哈 现在先不用追求格式 先把表达弄好
里面还是有小细节的错误哈 虽然挤作文是件很耗时的事情，但是写完了还是最好能自己检查一遍，消灭小错（单复数、时态、大小写），加油！

eva0401

谢谢晨依，谢谢你还来看看我的作文，嘿嘿 ，今天作文花了很多个小时呀，而且叫了作文出门后一直在想，糟糕第二点写的不好，应该写沟通可以让学生机会更多，结果第二点有点偏题，说合作更好了   我想重新写一下第二段明天。。

GWinner

对不起对不起Eva> <昨天发烧了在家躺了一天现在也没好...我错了 这就开始改~~~
精彩之处错误修改提议综合建议
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For future career success, is related well to other people more important than studying hard at school?
【8.4 第二篇 吵了一些185的 为什么想例子就这么难居然写不下去 000】

1.For future career success, is related well to other people more important than studying hard at school?


  Have you ever [+been]embarrassed by[没怎么用过embarrassed这个短语 不知道by对不对哈 感觉有点奇怪> <] communication resulted in the lower efficiency working at a team? Have you ever heard about a company jeopardized by poor working relationship , the company had a bad performance?  Have you ever experienced the recruiter denial of a student who can`t show himself good even if Even though[去掉] he has a high degree? If you have had not such experiment[do not have such experiences,] you'll not know the importance of be[ing] well to other people with communication[the effective communication with others]. Hence in my eyes,for collage graduates ,a dearth of knowledge about how to communication[用动词communicate] will prove to be their Achilles`s heel.there is no doubt that teamwork skill plays a more important role.The reason for this opinion involves many aspects.[reason和aspects这么用不太match, 可以简单地说my point can be supported by a variety of reasons as follows]
分论点1 现代人如果不会合作，他也不能成功
To begin with, As a proverb said that “Two head are better than one”, it is very important for students to learn how to work in team and cooperate well with others.There is no denying that by getting a higher GPA score in school [can be]conducive to a better competitiveness. However, I can't help but emphasize [+that]this will guarantee one’s success in his future career. Increasingly students excessively concentrate on how to improve a desired progress, but when they have to work in a team, they will realized that Cooperation is an obstacle. Some of them even become Dictators and mavericks who just only [同义词不必重复]believe in their own ability and refuse to listen to others. This phenomenon give rise to a bad circumstance . Nowadays, the society is boosted by information, people have to learn how to exchange the ideas. For instance, steven jobs, one of the richest and most successful businessmen around the world, will never be well-known and successful as today if he cannot cooperate well with his partners. His success does[was] actually not merely base on his own talented and diligence, but on agglomeration of his hard-working and others’ supports.Nothing is more important than to receive how to cooperation.
分论点2.合作比单独做好
 Furthermore ,  It is conceivable that one company can strengthen their work efficiency by cooperation than when they work alone[grouping its employees instead of  letting them to work alone],it`s nice to know that everybody is working for the benefits of the organization[注意逗号不能连接两个句子哦~]. To increasing[去掉ing,另外increase和assert & potential也不太搭,建议改成fulfill] the assert and the potential of a certain organization will be of great help for everyone .Teamwork is the best choice. And for one to achieve his dream, it is essential toget other members who share his vision. Take for example MahatmaGandhi and Mother Teresa.  they hadcooperation frompeople around them for a worthy cause, and this wasenough to make them immortal in the pages of history. due to the fact that cooperation is better than work alone. And people can learn  much more experience from cooperation which we can`t learn from books.

重新写了第二段，因为上面分论点2 我觉得不够好，所以加了一个 ，参考了下GWINNER的作品（他的文字好流畅，好羡慕哒） 来不起了 想睡了 明天给gwinner 你改哈
分论点2（版本2 ）Furthermore, it is conceivable that communication can strengthen the opportunity in working , opportunity is an essential factor that should be taken into consideration when it comes to successful career[when building a successful career]. So toincreasingthe ability of communication will be of great help for everyone in school. students should learn how to be an effective team member and how to communicate well with others, rather than learn how to be the one who merely can accomplish their own job independently. And in order to finish a assignment impressively or on company`s own account , people should trainingthemselves to be Of good character.One of my friends graduate from a top university , When he participated in the work ,We are very surprised by the exclusion of colleagues . And finally , He could not withstand the pressure , and automatic resignation.
Admittedly , On no account can we ignore the value of hard studying, hardly can students get the passport to top universities and collages without a marvelous score, and only if we armed with the ability of study, we can prepare[be well prepared] all the time.


  In conclusion,i totally agree that in order to get a successful future career , students learn how to related well to people is more important than only learn how to study hardly,[这句话的形式有点奇怪,不如改成 it is more necessary for student to do A than to do B的形式]
Cooperation can promote the development of[去掉] the work efficiency and people can gain much more knowledge through communication.

文章的整体结构没有问题, 让步段落稍微少了点 可以在丰富一下~
最需加强的问题首先是语法, 文章里面出现的语法错误 比如逗号连接两个句子, 比如主谓不一致, 比如to do用成to doing, 这些会给考官留下不好的印象...其实可以把文章放到word里面利用一下他的自动纠错功能 一些基本的语法错误word都可以发现的^^

第二个问题是词和句子的用法还是比较单调了一点哈 能感觉你在努力地用一些高级的词汇 不过毕竟不熟悉 会导致用起来很生涩 甚至错误...建议去背一些好词好句神马的 真正熟悉几个高级词句的用法 让文章有几个精彩之处就可以了~

不好意思今天才来这里看~~加油加油!!~~

eva0401

对不起呀，GW ,今天才来看，谢谢啊 你给我改了这么多错误，我才开始写，就是发现自己有很多很多语法错误，好多基本的都不会，这几天在一个老师那里写作文，所以没有来小分队，不过每天都有写上面的文章。谢谢GW 我会继续努力的！！ 你也加油哈