GWinner的写作作业^^求一路进步! 求各位NN前辈们不吝拍砖赐教!!

hjl80959

应该多斟酌斟酌就好了吧，你写的时候自己也跟着读读，顺畅了不就好了，不知道你这个是不是按照时间完成的，如果是的话，你比我厉害，我都30之内润色不到这样，最好的办法就是你一个劲的往下面写，然后最后一个劲的改，当然30分钟还是太有限了

GWinner

8.20 独立
A person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person’s social life does.


Whether we can gain more happiness from our occupation or a harmony social life is relatively a subject of discussion. As working seems to be closely related with our physical quality of life, one’s social life is likely to play an important part in people’s mental well-being. Since no one can live a satisfactory life without either physical guarantee or mental well-being, it is hard for people to decide which one brings us more happiness. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the decisive role played by our job and agree with the title statement as I do.

At the very first place, I have to admit that we can never contradict the significance and necessity of a healthy social life. No one can cut the connection with others and the outside world and permanently live in his own place alone. Therefore, when a friction appears, for example, the dispute between spouses, the conflict between children and parents, and the angry between friends, it is usually accompanied a bad mood or even poor health, which, undoubtedly, will negatively influence people’s happiness.

However, compared with social life, one’s job affects his or her mood and physical health in a more primary and powerful way. To begin with, income earned by working is the guarantee of people’s source of food, clothes, and shelter. Without this basic monetary supporting, people will suffer starvation, coldness, and even threat of security. Further, not limited to the physical well-being, a job can also bring some welfare in the mental aspect. After the most basic survival demand has been satisfied, people’s demand would shift to a higher level—the sense of achievement, external social status, and internal respect. And the unique place for people to satisfy these demands is workplace. This can perfectly explain the reason why tons of children are still willing to build their own career even if their parents had earned exhaustless money for their entire life. Individual achievement during work can generate incredibly large happiness, which makes one’s life highly-valued.

Moreover, when discussing the happiness effect of social life and occupation, it is not enough to stop on the conclusion that occupation can fulfill more demand than social life. Another more insightful point that should not be ignored is that part of the happiness brought by social interaction is based on the foundation constructed by one’s work. Not only earnings from occupation is the material guarantee for us to enhance previous social interaction by hanging out shopping with friends and promoting the life standard for family, working place can also provide us a platform to find more friends with similar interest, therefore optimizes our social cycle.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convinced that one’s job acts as a more important role than social life to generate happiness and satisfaction. If there is anyone who still wonders the higher demand people can fulfill from working, who still doubts the inferior position of social life compared with occupation, and who still do not understand the basic function of job, this passage is my answer.

瓜瓜不瓜

8.20 独立
A person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person’s social life does.

呀呀呀！忘记说了，红色为错误，蓝色为建议，高亮是精彩


Whether we can gain more happiness from our occupation or a harmony social life is relatively a subject of discussion. As working seems to be closely related with our physical quality of life, one’s social life is likely to(be likely to表示事情有可能发生，用在这里不合适) play an important part in people’s mental well-being. Since no one can live a satisfactory life without either physical guarantee or mental well-being, it is hard for people to decide which one brings us more happiness. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the decisive role played by our job and agree with the title statement as I do.

At the very first place, I have to admit that we can never contradict the significance and necessity of a healthy social life. No one can cut the connection with others and the outside world（+，）and permanently live in his own place alone. Therefore, when a friction appears, for example, the dispute between spouses, the conflict between children and parents, and the angry between friends, it is usually accompanied a bad mood or even poor health, which, undoubtedly, will negatively influence people’s happiness.

However, compared with social life, one’s job affects his or her mood and physical health in a more primary and powerful way. To begin with, income earned by working is the guarantee of people’s source of food, clothes, and shelter. Without this basic monetary supporting（support可以直接做名词，更加简洁）, people will suffer （+from 固定搭配）starvation, coldness, and even threat of security. Further, not（+only） limited to the physical well-being,（似乎要加了only才有点表达出你想要的意思，但是这个修饰部分感觉还是不是太好，建议去掉也可以） a job can also bring some welfare in the mental aspect（aspect用在这里感觉并不地道，建议直接改成，bring mental welfare）.After(建议改成once) the most basic survival demand has been satisfied, people’s demand wouldshift（我感觉shift的感觉和lift一样，这里用be shifted会不会更合适） to a higher level—the sense of achievement, external social status, and internal respect. And the unique place for people to satisfy these demands is workplace. This can perfectly explain the reason why tons of children are still willing to build their own career even if their parents had earned exhaustless money for their entire life.（这个例子的表达很好） Individual achievement during work can generate incredibly large happiness, which makes one’s life highly-valued.

Moreover, when discussing the happiness effect of social life and occupation, it is not enough to stop（GW想表达的是讨论停留在某个阶段远远不够对吧，但是你用的表达不太正确。we have to probe into the topic deeply rather than stop on the conclusion that....） on the conclusion that occupation can fulfill more demand than social life. Another more insightful point that should not be ignored is that part of the happiness brought by social interaction is based on the foundation constructed by one’s work. Not only earnings from occupation is the material guarantee for us to enhance previous social interaction by hanging out shopping with friends and promoting the life standard for family, working place can also provide us a platform to find more friends with similar interest, therefore optimizes our social cycle.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convinced that one’s job acts as a more important role than social life to generate happiness and satisfaction. If there is anyone who still wonders the higher demand people can fulfill from working, who still doubts the inferior position of social life compared with occupation, and who still do not understand the basic function of job, this passage is my answer. (额...这个句子哪里看来的？瓜瓜不才，但是我觉得用这句话用在结尾并木有太好~ GW可以问问坛子里，或者群里的大牛们这句到底要不要用哈)

总评：GW对语言的运用挺好的，从句套从句的好多，但是没有出错。
        但是我还是建议能用简单的表达 eg：adj.+n.就不要用定语从句了，尽量使表达显得effective and efficient.

        在段落的安排上，GW采用的是也是2段正，一段让步，但是你是把让步放在正观点的前面。 一般情况下，大家都是先正观点再放让步段。瓜瓜也不知道是你的安排好呢还是大众一点的好。但是整体看下来逻辑还是很连贯，应该是没有问题哒，小众说不定更容易出彩~。GW要是想保险起见呢，还是建议问问大牛们~

        总之~很不错！加油啦!

GWinner

@瓜同学

一直在纠结自己的句子用的太罗嗦 "adj.+n.就不要用定语从句了，尽量使表达显得effective and efficient"这个意见很实用呢! 以后写作文脑子里就绷着这根弦^^~

感觉结尾那里有问题的话事儿可就大了> <...这个结尾是我从其他人那里借鉴来的.....还请各位NN指教.......

段落的分布问题也是个大事儿...我是一直依着自己感觉写 是不是只要是五段式就没什么大问题呢? 感觉逻辑还算顺畅吧....> <?

最后感谢瓜同学的中肯建议！！！咱们加油！！！！

GWinner

10.6
Your job will have more effect on your happiness than the social life does.

Whether we can gain more happiness from our occupation or a harmony social life is relatively a subject of discussion. As working seems to be closely related with our physical quality of life, one’s social life is likely to play an important part in people’s mental well-being. Since no one can live a satisfactory life without either physical guarantee or mental well-being, it is hard for people to decide which one brings us more happiness. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the decisive role played by our job and agree with the title statement as I do.

At the very first place, I have to admit that we can never contradict the significance and necessity of a healthy social life. No one can cut the connection with others and the outside world and permanently live in his own place alone. Therefore, when a friction appears, for example, the dispute between spouses, the conflict between children and parents, and the angry between friends, it is usually accompanied a bad mood or even poor health, which, undoubtedly, will negatively influence people’s happiness.

However, compared with social life, one’s job affects his or her mood and physical health in a more primary and powerful way. To begin with, income earned by working is the guarantee of people’s source of food, clothes, and shelter. Without this basic monetary supporting, people will suffer starvation, coldness, and even threat of security. Further, not limited to the physical well-being, a job can also bring some welfare in the mental aspect. After the most basic survival demand has been satisfied, people’s demand would shift to a higher level—the sense of achievement, external social status, and internal respect. And the unique place for people to satisfy these demands is workplace. This can perfectly explain the reason why tons of children are still willing to build their own career even if their parents had earned exhaustless money for their entire life. Individual achievement during work can generate incredibly large happiness, which makes one’s life highly-valued.

Moreover, when discussing the happiness effect of social life and occupation, it is not enough to stop on the conclusion that occupation can fulfill more demand than social life. Another more insightful point that should not be ignored is that part of the happiness brought by social interaction is based on the foundation constructed by one’s work. Not only earnings from occupation is the material guarantee for us to enhance previous social interaction by hanging out shopping with friends and promoting the life standard for family, working place can also provide us a platform to find more friends with similar interest, therefore optimizes our social cycle.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convinced that one’s job acts as a more important role than social life to generate happiness and satisfaction. If there is anyone who still wonders the higher demand people can fulfill from working, who still doubts the inferior position of social life compared with occupation, and who still do not understand the basic function of job, this passage is my answer.