【写作小分队】豆豆Vickey 的作文 很菜~~~请慷慨地拍砖吧^ ——^

豆豆Vickey

嘿嘿，新来哒~大家欢迎欢迎这是我的第一篇作品噢~
用时1h，憋了好半天哇~请各路神仙大侠尽情拍砖！辛苦帮我改作文的筒子们啦~~~~
自我感觉语言的驾驭能力不够好，用的多为简单句~之前练得也很少~并且，在考场上写出的作文跟这个还是有差距的，考场上写的更菜哇！
综合写作稍后奉上！^ ^

独立作文                                                                  此篇415个字。在考场上最多380~~~
20101105 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Spending money on travelling and vacation is better than saving for future.



Have you been getting a lot of knowledge during your vacation in last summer? Have you been making much more friends who encountered with you in your latest trip? For going travel, one of the most joyful activities fulling the leisure time of mine, takes place the mass of stress from work and brings me delight. That's why the answer that putting money on travelling and vacation is wiser than saving money for future is confirmed. To support my opinion, there are two following reasons.



First and foremost, no one can deny the basic fact that going travle failed to promote our physical quality. The report in a medical journal, which named Keep Fit, suggets that people who prefer go to travel would get less desease than the people who in the opposide of it. The scientists has recuited 80 participates, and do a test on them to identify whether the travel could take benifits to them. Finally, the survey resport draw a conclusion that 80% people who always have journey live in a good health condition, about the rest people of the 20% get ill more frequently. The money spent on your vacation is as same as it saved in the bank becauese of the identical purpose that considering the future. We would rather choosing the former, improving our physical fitness than saving the money in case of curing the desease in the future, at least, we bare less pain and torture.



In addition, just as an old saying goes: "read 10,000 books and travel 10,000 li." Recently, I have read a book, the Story of Sahara, written by Echo, one of the famous women writer in China. According to the description about the landscape of Sahara in some of the episodes, the image has emerged into my mind. How marvelous the picture it is! Connecting the affection and the scenery told the reader what the Echo's really inner world. But the pity is I couldn't percieve the real objects in the real place. Maybe there is a little bit about understanding the story she writted. In this case, if we want to entirely immerge ourself into a world like the authors depict, the option that go and see the place is an excellent idea.



The grow in the spirit wealth is more worthy than money accumulated in the bank.So having a colorful life, getting a lot of knowlege, going somewhere you like, the style of your daily life must tastes much more awesome!

miss绿光

豆豆^^
我给你改0418的综合哈~我就不贴啦，你就不用给我改啦，不好意思…你写好以后给我短信下把^^

探险者

黄色是亮点，红色是个人修改建议

楼主写完后可以现在word当中进行一下语法改错和拼写改错，很多是由于打字的原因造成的，多练习就好

楼主的文章存在很多语法问题，觉得应当在这方面多下功夫，语法和拼写是最基本的内容

关于文章的结构，还是注意了条理，当然还有很多可以提高。建议看一下官方满分范文中的用法，包括怎样使用linker，怎样set examples，这会给文章增色不少

如果进行的深入的学习，建议搜索慎小嶷的作文书，不是广告啊，个人用过的，觉得是本非常好的书，认真读过其中的基础部分会对文章有很大的帮助

与君共勉

Have you been getting a lot of knowledge during your vacation in last summer? Have you been making much more friends who encountered with you in your latest trip?(连续的问句) For going travel, one of the most joyful activities fulling the leisure time of mine, takes place the mass of stress from work and brings me delight（觉得最好改为is to fill in， is to take place, is to bring）. That's why the answer that putting money on travelling and vacation is wiser than saving money for future is confirmed. To support my opinion, there are two following reasons.（其实，文章的开头不一定非要写to support my opinion，可以说Clearly, that’s why…）



First and foremost, no one can deny the basic fact(很好的用法哦) that going travle（travel不是名词，应改为going to travel或者going travelling）failed（fails，应该用现在时态） to promote our physical quality. The report in a medical journal, which named Keep Fit, suggets（suggests） that people who prefer（prefer to do，少个不定式to） go to travel would get less desease（disease，我觉得这里应当不是更少得病，而是得病的可能性降低，would be lower likely to suffer from diseases） than the people who (are) in the opposide(opposite side) of it. The scientists has recuited(recruited) 80 participates(participants), and do a test on them to identify whether the travel(trip) could take benefits(benefits) to them(benefit的用法应该是benefit sb表示给某某带来好处). Finally, the survey resport(report) draw(draws) a conclusion that 80% people who always have journey live in a good（good的替代词well—sounded表示身体健康） health condition, about（改为while表示对比） the rest people of the 20% get ill more frequently. The money spent on your vacation is as same as it（that表示前文出现过的money） saved in the bank becauese（because） of the identical purpose that（这个that没有必要，可以省去） considering the future. （这里前面加个undoubtedly,增加论述的说服力，也利用状语前置给文章增色）We would rather choosing（choose） the former, improving our physical fitness than saving the money in case of curing the desease（disease）, at least（用and thus we may experience less pain and torture更好）, we bare less pain and torture.



In addition, just as an old saying goes: "read 10,000 books and travel 10,000 li." Recently, I have read a book, the Story of Sahara, written by Echo, （which is）one of the famous women writer in China. According to the description about the landscape of Sahara in some of the（多余，可以省去） episodes, the image has emerged into my mind. How marvelous the picture it is! Connecting the affection and the scenery told the reader what the Echo's really（real） inner world is. But the pity is that（表语从句that不可以省略）I couldn't percieve（perceive） the real objects in the real place. Maybe there is a little bit about understanding the story she writted. In this case, if we want to entirely immerge ourself（ourselves） into a world like the authors depict, the option that go and see the place is an excellent idea.



The grow in the spirit wealth is more worthy than money accumulated in the bank. So having a colorful life, getting a lot of knowlege, going somewhere you like, （这里不是口语，这么说应该不合适，加一个and作为连接）the style of your daily life must tastes much more awesome!

豆豆Vickey

豆豆 4.25 综合写作

听力很水，所以第二个观点没有听出来~求综合写作指导策略哇^ ^

辛苦给我改作文的盆友啦~另：大家平时练综合写作都在模考软件里么？写完后怎么复制粘贴出来？我今天是截了图之后又打了一遍啊啊啊！

Although genetic modification is now being used to improve trees, there are also some bad effects on the new trees, because it can lead to some serious causes. To support the contrary side, three points below to explain why it was not so good as it was first sound.

First, the genetic modified trees are not so harder and anticipest as thought before. Because the teacher said we could not be sure that the genetically modified trees can survive, it also can be hurted by the new type of pesticides, and dramatically changed weather, and then it would be wiped out.

Second, the writer told us the trees can bring a number of economic benefits to farmers. In the comtrary, it also can cost a lot of many, because farmer should pay for the company to purchase the new trees.

Third, just think about the benefit of the trees which can prevent overexploitation are absurd, the reason is that the genetically modified trees can bring more damage to local creatures. Because of the rapid growth, it would comsume amount of nutrients. And then it lead to nutrients competition, like competing for water, for nutrients what the genetically modified trees need.

探险者

豆豆Vickey

Although genetic modification is now being used to improve trees, there are also some bad effects on the new trees, because it can lead to some serious causes(应该是lead to严重的结果吧，不是cause，cause是原因，后果可以用outcome等等). To support the contrary（这里用opposite觉得更好） side, three points below（缺个谓语，are expressed） to explain why it was not so good as it was first sound. （综合写作陈述的是听力中的老师对阅读文章观点的看法，一般是持反对态度。而你的这一段只是单纯的描述了哪个观点被反驳了，而只字未提听力反驳了阅读，这样的写法我个人不推荐，建议看一看官方的范文，要陈述出阅读说了什么，而听力说了什么，然后是二者的关系，你这么写不能很清楚的反应这些地方）

First, the genetic modified trees are not so harder and anticipest as thought before. Because the teacher said we could not be sure that the genetically modified trees can survive, it also can be hurted by the new type of pesticides, and dramatically changed weather, and then it would be wiped out.

Second, the writer told us the trees can bring a number of economic benefits to farmers. In the comtrary（on the contrary，建议改用in contrast，前者往往表示完全相反，这在写作中用的不多，推荐后者）, it also can cost a lot of many（money？）, because farmer should pay for the company to purchase the（这个the可以删去） new trees.

Third, just think about the benefit of the trees which can prevent overexploitation are absurd, the reason is that the genetically modified trees can bring more damage to local creatures. Because of the rapid growth, it would comsume amount of nutrients. And then it lead to nutrients competition, like competing for water, for nutrients what the genetically modified trees need.

1.注意，综合写作每段的开头或者结尾，要说出听力和阅读什么关系。

2.注意基本的语法问题，在使用长难的句式时要确定语法是正确的

3.综合写作前后保持时态的一致性，一般使用一般现在时就可以了，没必要说过去时

4.综合写作最重要的是听力，在笔记当中，要反应出细节内容。可以将阅读和听力的笔记分为两栏，在阅读时稍微想想听力会怎么反驳，阅读中的一些关键词也是要注意的，可能在听力中重现，这会帮助听力理解。听力的笔记当中，最重要的不是什么都记，而是关键词，lecturer的观点怎么反驳了阅读，给出了哪些支持的细节，这是要特别注意的

5.当然，综合的写法，看看无老师的TPO综合写作范文

6.综合最重要的是听力，建议把听力实力提升了，练好了，那么综合的听力自然不是问题

7.推荐网上下载新东方戴云老师的作文网络课堂，听其中的综合写作部分，很基础也很详细，会有很大收益

探险者

推荐使用，可以对比修改

豆豆Vickey

非常感谢探路者的作文批改，只在CD练了两篇，都由你改，你真的是好厉害，给了我很多很有帮助的建议哦~嘿嘿，一篇独立一篇综合，我都有认真的总结，把改过的文章重新在笔记本上整理出来，批改过的地方同样用红笔标注等等（虽然这个办法有些笨拙，但豆豆认为不动笔头不读书嘛，托福虽是ibt，但准备的过程中光用眼睛看是不行的，更多的是需要动笔写一写，背一背，经常看看^ ^）。谢谢啦~谢谢你给我的帮助以后有问题还要向探路者多多请教啦~