【写作小分队の探险者】5.20 托福 求狠拍

Crystaljoy

5.8 独立谢谢探险者的加油鼓励！好喜欢你每次贴的小太阳，很温暖~~~



5月8日11.9.16 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Children should choose the same career as their parents. Use specific examples to support your answer.

Indeed, parents have been involved in our upbringing and schooling since our childhood, thus they can fully understand what we want in our daily lives (跟后面结构并列一下更好呢our ultimate goal in life ), our eating and studying habits and our ability to adapt to the society. Granted, I don't want to be a pretentious and rebellious adolescent, however, (很赞探险者的鲜亮词汇啊~ granted 作为承让我确实还没见过呢~刚查了语料库corpus，granted单独使用有让步、转折很多用法。但没有在一个句子中同时出现granted，however. 我想是不是跟although， yet 不能一句中同时出现一样的道理？有待探讨) it is not necessary for us to choose the same career as our parents. Clearly, it is a terrific opportunity for the young to enhance their ability and exhibit themselves by choosing their own career path.



Even though our parents are much more experienced due to the long-term work（seniority?）, they may find it difficult to understand the up-to-date fashion, the new terminology and the new explanation for that, and even particularly novel thoughts of adolescents, making them(句子太长了，这个状语容易理解成就近修饰了。 and do) not realize what their kids really want to do. However, as for the young, they can easily get to know their interests of certain fields. For one thing, we have been receiving terrific education over ten years, which expanded our outlookwith (through) different kinds of information (resources) and the state-of-the-art（state-to-art）pedagogical method. For another, it is convenient to make friends in the university owing to similar interests and brilliant targets. Therefore, we not only have access to our future development, but we can ask for help from our close companions as well.



More importantly, taking the same career path as our parents may do harm to the cultivation of our creativity. Clearly, even the most outgoing students in my class are remarkably respectful to their parents, leading them to imitating their elderly or even following their behavior. In this way, the youths have to undertake the psychological strain as the result of their parents discipline, making them be(删除.make 后可以直接adj) afraid to come up with their own viewpoints. Even though they can acquire some predigested knowledge（哈哈，好厉害，虽然我不太看懂啦） to consolidate their ability, these people can only trail the pace of others without any critical and creative thinking. Undoubtedly, they may meet challenges on the way of promotion.



In addition, some parents are the predominant managers or leaders of the fantastic companies, which（GAMT中which不能指代前面整句话。 and） may give a hand whenever their children are encountering (encounterwhenever一般时态就可以了吧？) problems in their career path. In contrast, others（前面是some parents, 后面是others就被误解了。） may determine their own career plan and rely on themselves to go through the adversities without much too help from parents. Obviously, the latter will grasp the opportunity to improve themselves both intellectually and emotionally.On the one hand, they can foster many capacities, such as how to deal with different clients, how to get along well with your(删除，指代不明却) colleagues and how to combat the obstructions. On the other hand, those adolescents are always confident enough to appropriately express themselves in public, leaving deep impression on their companions and leaders. That's what we want to （can 都论证过了，结论是不是应该语气肯定一点。）receive through finding our own career path.



（这段是提出新观点improve ability吧？开头没有开门见山，而是先举例，在中间提出观点，后面解释原因。我个人觉得这种行文结构不太好，读者看的比较费劲。）


Overall, with the well-rounded understand of our advantages and disadvantages, the opportunity to cultivate our creativity and the improvement of our abilities, it makes sense that children should choose their own jobs instead of the same as their parents.





整体：

太棒了！无论是表达，还是内容，都非常非常精彩啊！洋洋洒洒的字数也相当羡慕~

小建议：

1.倒数第二段的结构是不是再完善一下。

2．有的句子有点点长，Ving类型的状语用的偏多了一点点，and类的并列也偏多。建议长短句结合更好。记得XDF老师上课说，据纽约时报之类的统计，最完美的句子平均22词/句。不过你每个句子都高级，信息量大，真的很难得！

探险者

5.12 独立写作 探险者
5月12日10.2.13 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People who cannot accept criticism will not succeed working in teams.
Even though some individuals are still inundated with the period of hero, who leads them to endeavor for their target alone, undoubtedly, fantastic achievements made in modern time are mostly achieved by the solidarity of a team. Clearly, to consolidate the cooperation among team members, people should patiently listen to others' suggestions and criticisms, and incorporate those advices to their actual experience to carry out the final decision. That certainly means your respect and appreciation to your companions.



To begin with, young adults may possibly meet challenges when dealing with their group colleagues simply because they cannot provokingly consider others' advice. For one thing, adolescents have involved of little socialized environment because of their campus life, teaching them nothing about how to get along well with your companions; for another, students are always easily indulging in the past success in universities, which makes them think highly of their own.Modern companies have remarkably different behavior rules from our campus. Also, people there have devoted themselves to the work for a long time, thus they think up their suggestions with carefully exploration. It is no wonder that we have to analyze their evaluations for our performance both intellectually and emotionally.



In addition, even the most predominant people may find it formidable to obtain great success without the criticism and the support of their companions. Ample justifications can be made among NBA players. Although Gilbert Arenas was once top gifted among all players and got fascinating achievements for his own, he never approved the championship. What has been expressed by Arenas was that he was the leader of the team, leading others to be afraid to come up their own opinions. What's worse, he undertook formidable adversity playing with his team members because his violent behaviors and negative impact. As is known to us, Gilbert Arenas can only play as the second choice of his team in NBA now, let alone leading the team to acquire the final champion.



Obviously, people who can patiently and politely accept criticism from their team members are always among the elite. Neither of them would exhibit any rebellious attitude toward their companions nor shower their notorious mood on them due to some criticizing. Both of their education background and their socialized experience facilitate them to realize the importance of cooperation and trust in the group. Consequently, it is the criticisms given by their colleagues that promote them to a higher level in their fields, making them accessible to the brilliant success.



Overall, on the one hand, young adults have to patiently learn from the criticism from their companions to correct the wrongdoing and improve themselves; on the other hand, even the most brilliant people need the suggestion given by their team members, simply because their formal success was achieved through the same way. Undoubtedly, to obtain terrific success, it makes sense to appropriately accept your team member's criticism.

sang824

Even though some individuals are still inundated with the period of hero, who leads them to endeavor for their target alone, undoubtedly, fantastic achievements made in modern time are mostly achieved by the solidarity of a team. Clearly, to consolidate the cooperation among team members, people should patiently listen to others' suggestions and criticisms, and incorporate those advices to their actual experience to carry out the final decision. That certainly means your respect and appreciation to your companions.



To begin with, young adults may possibly meet challenges when dealing with their group colleagues simply because they cannot provokingly consider others' advice. For one thing, adolescents have involved of little socialized environment because of their campus life, teaching them nothing about how to get along well with your companions;For another, students are always easily indulging in the past success in universities, which makes them think highly of their own(themselves?).Modern companies have remarkably different behavior rules from our campus. Also, people there have devoted themselves to the work for a long time, thus they think up their suggestions with carefully exploration. It is no wonder that we have to analyze their evaluations for our performance both intellectually and emotionally.



In addition, even the most predominant people may find it formidable to obtain great success without the criticism and the support of their companions. Ample justifications can be made among NBA players. Although Gilbert Arenas was once top gifted among all players and got fascinating achievements for his own, he never approved the championship. What has been expressed by Arenas was that he was the leader of the team, leading(making) others to be afraid to come up their own opinions. What's(What is) worse, he undertook formidable adversity playing with his team members because of his violent behaviors and negative impact. As is known to us,(这里用一个因果关系连词感觉合适一点) Gilbert Arenas can only play as the second choice of his team in NBA now, let alone leading the team to acquire the final champion.(这里可以和段首来个呼应..阿里纳斯！让我想起曾经的科比吖嘿嘿)



Obviously, people who can patiently and politely accept criticism from their team members are always among the elite. Neither of them would exhibit any rebellious attitude toward their companions nor shower their notorious mood on them due to some criticizing(criticize). Both of their education background and their socialized experience facilitate them to realize the importance of cooperation and trust in the group. Consequently, it is the criticisms given by their colleagues that promote them to a higher level in their fields, making them accessible to the brilliant success.



Overall, on the one hand, young adults have to patiently learn from the criticism from their companions to correct the wrongdoing and improve themselves; On the other hand, even the most brilliant people need the suggestion given by their team members, simply because their formal success was achieved through the same way. Undoubtedly, to obtain terrific success, it makes sense to appropriately accept your team member's criticism.

探险者写得太好了！！尤其是对词汇的运用，太羡慕了，大赞一个
结构也很清晰，说理有据
好不容易才挑了几个自己都不确定的小错误..
后悔现在才来拜读大作！

探险者

5月13日11.12.9 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life.
People are now always undertaking the high pressure due to everyday work, leading them to be more involved in their career life without many socialized activities. For that reason, some individuals certainly explore that job has a deep impact on their happiness. In contrast, even though working takes most part of our time, what has close connection with our emotion is our social life, which ranges from your relationship with your leaders and companions to your socialized circles of clients, from your long-term, trustworthy friends to your beloved immediate family members. Clearly, it is your social life that matters more.



Indeed, to make our family lead a high-quality life, we have to busily devote ourselves to everyday project. However, what intrinsically influences our job performance is our relationship with our clients. Take my uncle as an example. My uncle used to work in an investment bank. Because of his badly terrible mood, it was difficult for him to get along well with his customers. Therefore, their cooperation met challenges without any appropriate adjustment, and thus went into failure. What's worse, that even influenced the evaluation from his team companions and leaders, who wouldn't commit him to undertake other significant projects. Therefore, he suffered a long-term, disappointed adversity, and that decreased his health condition both mentally and physically.



In addition, it is indispensable for us to spend time with our close friends both during work and in our daily lives. For one thing, some friendships last for many years, making it available to confide and communicate with each other inside. For another, a majority of working people would come out to have gatherings with friends regularly. Obviously, supposed that people just talk about interesting and energetic things during the party, it is no wonder that everyone can relax his\herself from the recurring strain owing to their work of breakneck speed. Oppositely, provided that your friends never give you a hand whenever you are encountering problems either at home or in your company, what will you feel about your friendship? Will you be upset about your job performance or your social life with your friends? Undoubtedly, whether you are happy in your daily occupation attaches to your life involved of your friends.



Even though we are forced to spend much more time in our companies instead of accompanying our family, it is desperately necessary for us to pay much attention on the emotion of our family, including your parents, life companion, children and every beloved one. Ample evidences can prove that. Many celebrities, who may achieve the most brilliant success in certain field, may find it difficult to maintain the warm atmosphere of their families. They sacrifice much more on the development of their career promotion without making enough communication with their wives, let alone accompanying their children. The passive family atmosphere will certainly decrease their enthusiasm to their work, and even lead to the adversities of both career life and family bonds.



Simply put, our networking of working field ensures our conspicuous promotion, and at the same time our friends give rise to our perfect performance and positive life attitude. More importantly, the close bond with our immediate family certainly exhibits the emotion and life quality of every beloved one. Undoubtedly, your social life plays a remarkably vital role in our daily lives.

包子不包子

People are now always undertaking the high pressure due to everyday work, leading them to be more involved in their career life without many socialized activities. For that reason, some individuals certainly explore不大明白啊 是investigate search 还是什么意思呢 that job has a deep impact on their happiness.without many socialized activities 为什么还是对happiness 影响大嘞 不大理解啊 In contrast, even though working takes most part of our time, what has close connection with our emotion is our social life, which ranges from your relationship with your leaders and companions to your socialized circles of clients, from your long-term, trustworthy friends to your beloved immediate family members. Clearly, it is your social life that matters more.
explore[?k?spl??]vb1.(tr) to examine or investigate, esp systematically
2. to travel to or into (unfamiliar or unknown regions), esp for organized scientific purposes
3. (Medicine) (tr)Med to examine (an organ or part) for diagnostic purposes
4.(tr)Obsolete to search for or out



Indeed, to make our family lead a high-quality life, we have to busily不确定可以这样用么devote ourselves to everyday project. However, what intrinsically influences our job performance is our relationship with our clients.应该是job影响relationship啊 Take my uncle as an example. My uncle used to work in an investment bank. Because of his badly terrible mood, it was difficult for him to get along well with his customers. Therefore, their cooperation met challenges without any appropriate adjustment, and thus went into failure. What's worse, that even influenced the evaluation from his team companions and leaders, who wouldn't commit him to undertake other significant projects. Therefore, he suffered a long-term, disappointed adversity, and that decreased his health condition both mentally and physically.段后最好再有个一句话小总结



In addition, it is indispensable for us to spend time with our close friends both during work and in our daily lives. For one thing, some friendships last for many years, making it available to confide and communicate with each other inside. For another, a majority of working people come out to have gatherings with friends regularly. Obviously, supposed that people just talk about interesting and energetic things during the party, it there？is no wonder that everyone can relax his\herself from the recurring strain owing to their work of breakneck speed. Oppositely, provided suppose?that your friends never give you a hand whenever you are encountering problems either at home or in your company, what will you feel about your friendship? Will you be upset about your job performance or your social life with your friends? Undoubtedly, whether you are happy in your daily occupation attaches to your life involved of your friends.wether...your friends willbe involved in...感觉被动更地道些 嘿嘿 这段是说和朋友在一起的事是不可避免的所以嘞？ 没怎么读懂啊。。。嘿嘿



Even though we are forced to spend much more time in our companies instead of accompanying our family, it is desperately necessary for us to pay much attention on the emotion of our family, including your parents, life companion, children and every beloved one. Ample evidences can prove that. Many celebrities, who may achieve the most brilliant success in certain field, may find it difficult to maintain the warm atmosphere of their families. They sacrifice much more on the development of their career promotion without making enough communication with their wives, let alone accompanying their children. The passive family atmosphere will certainly decrease their enthusiasm to their work family influences work?? 是不是反了啊, and even lead to the adversities of both career life and family bonds.



Simply put, our networking of working field ensures our conspicuous promotion, and at the same time our friends give rise to our perfect performance and positive life attitude. More importantly, the close bond with our immediate family certainly exhibits the emotion and life quality of every beloved one. Undoubtedly, your social life plays a remarkably vital role in our daily lives.daily work?


句型词汇结构都很赞啊
但是怎么感觉把命题写反了
5月13日11.12.9 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life.
（补充：觉得更准确的表述是 Your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.）

小探险家 写的是social life 对career的影响啊 再看看？嘿嘿






Indeed, to make our family lead a high-quality life, we have to busily不确定可以这样用么devote ourselves to everyday project. However, what intrinsically influences our job performance is our relationship with our clients.应该是job影响relationship啊 Take my uncle as an example. My uncle used to work in an investment bank. Because of his badly terrible mood, it was difficult for him to get along well with his customers. Therefore, their cooperation met challenges without any appropriate adjustment, and thus went into failure. What's worse, that even influenced the evaluation from his team companions and leaders, who wouldn't commit him to undertake other significant projects. Therefore, he suffered a long-term, disappointed adversity, and that decreased his health condition both mentally and physically.段后最好再有个一句话小总结



In addition, it is indispensable for us to spend time with our close friends both during work and in our daily lives. For one thing, some friendships last for many years, making it available to confide and communicate with each other inside. For another, a majority of working people come out to have gatherings with friends regularly. Obviously, supposed that people just talk about interesting and energetic things during the party, it there？is no wonder that everyone can relax his\herself from the recurring strain owing to their work of breakneck speed. Oppositely, provided suppose?that your friends never give you a hand whenever you are encountering problems either at home or in your company, what will you feel about your friendship? Will you be upset about your job performance or your social life with your friends? Undoubtedly, whether you are happy in your daily occupation attaches to your life involved of your friends.wether...your friends willbe involved in...感觉被动更地道些 嘿嘿 这段是说和朋友在一起的事是不可避免的所以嘞？ 没怎么读懂啊。。。嘿嘿



Even though we are forced to spend much more time in our companies instead of accompanying our family, it is desperately necessary for us to pay much attention on the emotion of our family, including your parents, life companion, children and every beloved one. Ample evidences can prove that. Many celebrities, who may achieve the most brilliant success in certain field, may find it difficult to maintain the warm atmosphere of their families. They sacrifice much more on the development of their career promotion without making enough communication with their wives, let alone accompanying their children. The passive family atmosphere will certainly decrease their enthusiasm to their work family influences work?? 是不是反了啊, and even lead to the adversities of both career life and family bonds.



Simply put, our networking of working field ensures our conspicuous promotion, and at the same time our friends give rise to our perfect performance and positive life attitude. More importantly, the close bond with our immediate family certainly exhibits the emotion and life quality of every beloved one. Undoubtedly, your social life plays a remarkably vital role in our daily lives.daily work?


句型词汇结构都很赞啊
但是怎么感觉把命题写反了
5月13日11.12.9 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life.
（补充：觉得更准确的表述是 Your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.）

小探险家 写的是social life 对career的影响啊 再看看？嘿嘿

包子不包子

这个排版是怎么了 不好意思啊 忽略它 忽略它

包子不包子

However, what intrinsically influences our job performance is our relationship with our clients.应该是job影响relationship啊 Take my uncle as an example. My uncle used to work in an investment bank. Because of his badly terrible mood, it was difficult for him to get along well with his customers. Therefore, their cooperation met challenges without any appropriate adjustment, and thus went into failure. What's worse, that even influenced the evaluation from his team companions and leaders, who wouldn't commit him to undertake other significant projects.

这几句读起来是relationship影响了job

lxyuan2001

明天加油！！！