【写作小分队】轰炸写作~526~!!!

miss绿光

可能不是所有人都看过我的梦之队日记~里面有一些关于托福作文的心经（摘取别人的），我搬过来和大家分享一下~！
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从22~29分的作文经验
http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-505491-1-1.html
刚刚看到有人说托福作文时间不够了，怎么写。我就冒个泡泡吧。
  凭良心讲，一年前我也不会写。第一次考22，两个fair.后来我就猛看了一本叫老美185的书，就是美国人写的东西。感觉收获不少。二战的时候独立作文就good了，24的分。但是居然前面一篇还是fair，我当然是不甘心的。但是一年之后我的gmat准备二战，那个时候我根本来不及，就准备了一下综合作文，当时确实是时间来不及，不是我故意不复习，作文我就写过一篇综合作文，算是把模板背了一遍，但是结果出来我很惊讶，得了6.0分。所以托福三战的时候我信心满满，这次我这是把og的综合作文研究了一下，写了自己的模板，就这么上了。不过上了考场以后，我觉得综合作文最后一篇没来得及写完，写了480的样子。所以这一次的结果是前一篇good，后一篇fair。怪我自己太轻敌。所以我四战了。这一次我把og的两篇作文好好研究了一下，回想了以前总结的写作文的经验，临考的晚上随便找了一篇文章的综合作文，练习了框架，所以两篇good，是29了。
  根据我的经验，写作文不难，考前一天好好强化一下技巧，回顾一下历史比较重要，我现在把我的经验随便写一点在这里吧，算是回馈一下大家：
  1.托福作文到底要花多少时间？
这个问题有两说，你是有技巧还是有实力？如果你没有实力，这个时间花得就挺长的。从我一战到二战我就看了一个月的老美185，怎么说呢，它的idea很傻，没有李晓来的清楚，结构上绝对是比较失败的，但是它的语言的流畅程度是李晓来望尘莫及的。特别是一些句式。关于这一点我强烈建议大家把题库185至少看一遍，当然现在题库更新了，185我觉得好像都拿来做口语题了。所以不要以为都写过就很N了，关键是过一遍，一天看50题，3天空闲时间就看完了。看的时候看看到底哪篇文章不会写，去找李晓来的高分185，不要看文章。。。。不能看，看前面的中文提纲（PS，中文有时候和下面英文牛头不对马嘴的，那就要去看看英文了）。当然看老美185是非常重要的，我当时二战的前看了50来篇，背了2篇我觉得最好的。总之就是掌握一个人家的句法。有童鞋说时间不够，哪里看得了那么多，我记得网上有人家整理的托福句子200句，都是很好的句型。我翻来覆去看了好几遍。有时候在车上啊，路上啊，就看了。很有帮助。我说的这个过程就是实力提高的过程。所以花的时间会比较长。

     当然，如果你的实力已经有了，技巧的话要花多长时间？累计考前不超过10小时吧，以你看书的速度决定，我是一个晚上左右~比如准备一下案例（这些网上也有童鞋整理好了的），我就不重新发来浪费大家时间了，但是我要声明的是，这些案例多数用不上，只是看了心理安慰的。我一般是早上坐车去考试的时候在车上看的，看过一次的话，再看估计也就20几分钟吧，记住人名和关键词。但是真是没用上。。。大家参考。。。。然后考前几天有空的时候看两句200句里面的句型，对自己绝对有潜移默化的影响。所以我后面2次考T以及之前一次考G的作文，都是相当轻松的，没怎么写。但是我的经验和教训就是，模板要背一遍，框架找一篇jj里面的，随便一篇，你不是很会写那种，练个框架。
   S：我个人不是很建议大家把jj里面的文章全都写一遍，一方面浪费宝贵的复习时间，另一方面，你考试的时候如果真考到，就会比较刻意地去复制以前的作文。我觉得写作最重要的是创作的过程，只有写得你自己觉得才思泉涌，才能写出好文章。背出来的文章，说不定会有很多瑕疵。个人感觉，大家参考，我是比较喜欢创作的人。不喜欢按部就班。。。这就是为啥我的口语虽然pronounciation很好，但是停留在22 23的水平了。因为很大的原因是我不喜欢背东西。一旦背东西，我听起来就不是说口语了。

  2.前面说到了准备时间的问题。
我现在有几个技巧，特别要说一下，掌握着几个技巧，我觉得独立作文就差不多了。。。。

    首先，是结构，怎么样让结构清晰？不是只有first， second这么土的词的。又不是写法律，如果不是黔驴技穷，尽量换点词。比如说in the first place啊，at the very beginning，again，also。。。。好多好多我就不说这种常识了。当然了，如果你确实是一下子想不起来（虽然有这种情况的备案，我还是这是unjustified的，你有一个晚上准备，这几个词应该是提前准备好的，随便用的），怎么办呢。如果你说了firstly，不一定要说secondly，就算你连secondly这个词也不知道怎么写，那千万别用thirdly，换个词嘛。furthermore，what's more, in addion....写文章我觉得最忌讳的是人家能预测到你的下一个词，这样人家就不想看了。当然回到托福这个问题上而言，结构一定要清楚！！！非常强调这一点。三战的时候我就是结构有点混乱了才24的。
       但是结构也不是一层不变的，就只有首先然后再然后么？我觉得这个最好是放在小结构里面。一般文章我建议大家有两个框架，第一个是大框架，表明辩证关系，第二个是supporting 框架，表明递进关系。我就不信这样你都没得写了。是怕你写不完的。。。
   其次，就是句型。
这个我前面说过了，没事随便看看。嗯~背几句。当然我建议大家是找一篇句型特多，结构清楚的文章来背。这样，你就啥都有了~Jtrchina和我会说他背了7000字的口语和作文材料。反正我是膜拜的，我不用心，也不敢和他比。他的暴力法也挺有用。看大家适合什么方法吧。

   最后是例子，有人说例子没有怎么办，没有什么怎么办的。挖掘你自己啊，用本山的小品说，就是往祖坟上刨。。。。多数事情我们都有经历，往自己身上扯的好处是，1.木有考证，没有对错，名人就不同了，有对错之分。。。2.最熟悉，不会有不会写的词。你说你自己就是I吧，说issac Newton要多少字，打错了还有negative impression。当然了，有同学记忆力好，多写点也没关系。我写的时候是到处扯的。普遍联系的观点，这次作文我还说道北朝鲜的独裁制度啥的，这种东西新闻里面天天有，平常多看cnn，里面观点很火辣。你就有素材了。但是这是锦上添花，最基本的还是刨你自己，你爸妈，你七大姑八大姨~
   不过supporting ideas可不需要段段都有for example的例子，你想想，那得多俗啊。我特别忌讳用for example，然后后一面一堆。不知道大家有没有经验，一般我们reading的时候看到这个词汇，是不是就不看了？看个主体，看个大概。你用这个词不是警示人家不要看么？我会说一堆推理，然后悄悄的灌输思想。等我说完，再来一句，this is how it works~他才发现他已经看完了，后悔也来不及了。哈哈~
   说到这里，结构，句式，和内容都有了。好像作文是差不多了，但是不是的，还有综合作文。。。我一直以为综合作文可以一样对待，结果发现不是的。。。根据我对og满分范文的研究（就一篇，大家研究吧，就一篇多了也么有），以上技巧+模板不能完全适用于综合作文。综合作文是你在转述，独立作文是自述。
   但是转述也不是说没有自己观点的。你要证明给别人看，你用了脑子的，没有当复读机，所以我不建议大家重复原文的话，反而要总结成概括性的句子，放在每一段。当然模板也是很需要的，这个自己做吧~网上也有，但是我还是建议自己做。模板作用就是加快速度。模板的内容就是一个label和对比的作用。哪些是作者说的，哪些是professor说的，然后对比，比如while，however，on the contrary的样子。
   但是人家没说的话你要不要说？很多人问这个问题，当然要说了。要不怎么证明你用了脑子，但是你不能说自己的观点。全文不能出现I believe这种话。关键是总结出作者的逻辑关系。实话告诉各位，哪怕没听全都不要怕，我这次就没听全，我听力的时候突然周围开始狂口语。。。我比他们进去得早，突然一下子吵不习惯。。。还好是到了尾声了。作者说全的话也不一定要全写出来。用自己的语言概括逻辑关系。我举个例子吧，eg.文章说A是错误的，但是作者refute了3个原因。其中一个原因是，虽然会出现这样的现象，但是有可能是被其它的原因干扰，比如云云，和A无关。这句话的核心就是与A无关。可以把这句话提出来。然后可以加上一些你自己认为的合理的分析。但是是从speech maker的角度去想的分析，他可以没说，你要把他没说的说了~而且还不能I think，因为是由ta 说的推出的。你分析好了再对比一次。
  3.就是字数吧。
我个人觉得越多越好。第一篇我写了480，第二篇我写了580的样子。字数取胜，越多越好~

  我写的纯属自己的亲身经历，而且，如果你们理解了就会发现，托福是个八股文产物，如果你能表现出那么一点点创造力，又符合它八股文的要求，你就可以双good了。一个good就24.反正我验证了两次。

miss绿光

4.10 独立

Due to the dramatically rapid development ofthe whole world, it is accepted that the cotemporary ideas and notions whichare prevalent and reasonable during that period probably become obsolete in fewyears, let alone in a long time. Based on this perception, the assertion is put forward that theadvice from grandparents is no longer helpful for their grandchildren becausethe changes could be world-shaking. As far as I’m concerned, however, I am on the opposite side of theclaim and my stand will be testified to a great extent by the following.

First of all, the grandparents, because oftheir ages, (have experienced) experience a lot, letting them know (sothey know) how to do the right things and how to avoidconducting errors. Such experience and rationality grandparents possess is of greatvalue to their grandchildren by directing proper and exact solutions to whatthey are in trouble with. Furthermore, it is experience that often counts mostwhen we make decisions in either emergency or ordinary situation. Take mygrandfather, who was a solider during the Anti-Japanese War in China, as anexample.(这句不能作为完整的句子噢，改为Mygrandfather… is an example.) Once my familywent vacation to the mountains in regions far away from home, during which(which指代不清) we are puzzled how to go downside when the sunset would occur(before sunset). As a little girl then, I was too scared to keep calm and my parentshad conflicts with my grandfather about the choice of paths. My grandfathermanaged to persuade my parents by stating his experience that he had wentthrough mountain ways when he was a soldier, and finally, we arrived at the bottomof the mountain safe and sound before the sunset.

Additionally, the truth, whatever it is, neverfades with time passing and age can never serve as the criteria to judge thevalue of one’s opinion. Changes take place every second in every corner in theworld, though, many elder people achieve the feat. Nearly seventy, RonaldReagan was still selected to be the president of the United States. Anotherfamous person who won the Nobel Prize at the age of only 35, Yang ZhenNing keptstudying in the physics area and he was awarded King Faisal International Prizeat 2001, at which time(when) he was already 79 years old. Taking these facts into account, how canwe refuse to take our grandparents' advices just because the changes are hugeduring the 50 years?

Admittedly, some opponents of my view hold thatolder are the people, more conservative they become. The extent of the conservation(对话的长度？), however, has little to do with the value of thegrandparents’ final decisions. Bare decisions are made merely according to how much deciders are conservative or aggressive (how conservativeor aggressive deciders are); in fact, grandparentsare rational enough to take all beneficial perspectives and potential risksinto consideration, which probably led to the truth eventually. (不是很懂这段要说什么><)

5oyears maybe a long time for humans’ life span; it is, however, just an instantin the historical endless flow. Therefore,although there are dramatic differences between the world in this second andthat 50 years ago(??五十年前的建议。), grandparents’ advices, which includes their whole-lifeexperience and the truth they found, can still show us the bright way to theright end.

语言很丰富，句式复杂多样。好像都是很长的句子，适当可以长短句结合。
真佩服绿光能在那么短时间写出这样水准的文章^^ 加油~冲30吧。

-- by 会员 daisyの小夢想 (2012/4/12 21:27:08)

非常感谢Daisy哇~我也木有短时间啦，处女独立作文有花一些时间啦~不过会渐渐缩短啦！争取和考G的时候一样半小时飙到600字！会注意长短句的结合的~熊抱！

miss绿光

4.11作文改正：Agree or disagree? Colleges oruniversitiesshould offer students a better job preparation before they startworking.



Faced(Facing)with (如果要用face with的用法，face这时必须用名词形式) the trend to （a）fiercer competition around the world, how to enter the career as arelatively competitive and qualified applicator has been raised into heatdiscussion. The claim, that students should be provided（for） a better job preparation bycolleges or universities before the students begin working,gains some support while burdenssome critics as well（赞！）. From my perspective,however, Isupport such provision due to the following three aspects.

First of all, better job preparation candefinitely contribute to the improvement in competitiveness of students, whichbenefits both their application and their whole career. Take my university,which holds different kind（kinds） of programs for job preparation fordifferent grades of students frequently, as an example. In my university,departments, especially the business department, highly value the jobpreparation and often invite outstanding ones who have already becomesuccessful in their career to share experience with students, because it isaccepted that every student will enter the wok eventually, which triggers theimportance of preparation before going to work. Therefore, my university has a lotactivities that attract students to take part in and thereby to improve theircomprehensive abilities. In terms of the class I’m（I am，托福写作貌似不能用缩写） in, those job preparations teach us a lot.Based on the significantimpacts brought about by the job preparation, I am in favor of such programunswervingly.

In addition,it is undoubted that suchpreparation raises the reputation of colleges or universities since allstudents desire to enter schools who offer more platforms for them to improvethemselves. Because of the excellent job preparation, my university not onlybenefits students but also raises reputation of itelf. Every student, when come（comes） to capture information about myuniversity after the college entrance examination,expresses his or hersatisfaction on face as soon as the student knows the policy in my universitytowards pre-job training, which is more positive compared with that of otheruniversities. Furthermore, the parents who accompany their children coming toconsult also are impressed and thereby they tell other parents about thisadvantage of my university, raising reputation among different social circles.Therefore, job preparation is required for the college’s or university’s sake.（例子和上一段的貌似是一样的，可以把这个例子安在别人身上，或者通过对比，说别的学校没有而本校有这个项目，会使得例子更加多样化~）

Admittedly, it is reasonable to considerthe rising cost brought by the preparation and（to） wonder whether the incremental costis worthy investing. That claim, however, ignores that fact that cost shouldnever serve as the paramount factor in our decision making since the outcome iswhat we need to acquire and which we obtain to move forward. Taking thepragmatic benefits better job preparation offers into consideration,I approveimprovements to be taken into practice.

There is some potential sides effects,though, every coin has two sides and better job preparation can exert more benefitswithout question. Therefore, after balancing the benefits for the students andthe schools, and potential worry about the rising cost, I insist on thepreparation of better jobs before students go to work, which sheds light on the roads where studentsand schools are stepping on.（赞！）
写的真的挺好的，几乎改不出错误来，就是一些很小很小的点需要注意~ 个人建议哈~如果再能编一些数据神马的放在里面就更好了！显得文章很客观，有数据支持，数据的具体数字和来源自己编就好啦~  文章稍微有点长，将近500个字了，不知道考试的时候能不能按时打完？如果打字速度快就没事儿啦~ 加油！写的很好的！！

-- by 会员 gre呀gre (2012/4/13 16:00:44)

特别感谢你的关于DATA的建议，以前也听别人说过，没记住；现在又多了一个stimulus，记住啦！！！谢谢你的哈~第二段中的“例子和上一段的貌似是一样的，可以把这个例子安在别人身上，或者通过对比，说别的学校没有而本校有这个项目，会使得例子更加多样化~“的建议也超棒，这样显得伦家有两个学校的例子呢~GOOD IDEA!thx a lot！！！！

miss绿光

TO 婷婷：我写的是JJ，因为428就要考试啦~嘻嘻，麻烦你拉，可能还要再想看下我的观点切不切题什么的，我是觉得最后有点累赘和牵强了……辛苦你啦！！！！20101009NA
Agree or disagree? Compared with people who live in cities, people who live in rural areas can take better care of their families.


That might seem the trend to enter cities from the rural areas has never stopped, making the cities seemingly more advanced than the rural areas. There is somebody outside, meanwhile, claims that the trend must be explained other than such theory because they believe that living in different places doesn’t lead them to different life status. From my perspective, however, people who live in rural areas can take better care of their families than those who in rural areas.

First of all, education is more available in the cities than in the rural areas. Although government has already put increasing funds into the construction of education facilities and improvement of the soft power of education in rural areas, the difference of education level between the rural areas and the cities remains a huge gap. I have the best evidence to demonstrate the existence of such gap since I live in cities while some of my cousins live in rural areas. School in cities, such as my school – XX High School, have a relatively high percentage of professors while in rural areas, for example, my cousin’s school named QingHe High school, the teachers even don’t possess the teacher certification. Tremendous difference is also exhibited in the aspect of facilities. Schools in cities always have sophisticated machines and apparatus but those in rural areas, on the other hand, rarely have machines which may help teachers to deliver their ideas effectively, such as the projectors and big screens. Without question, education is the most significant factor to raise children, therefore, with better education condition, people in cities can take better care of the children in their families.

Another equally paramount reason is that medical systems in cities are more advanced and sophisticated than those in rural areas.For instance, according to the Chinese Medicine Magazine, the percentage of grade-one hospitals in the cities is 30 percent while in rural cities, the percentage is close to zero. Moreover, about 93.2 percent of the most sophisticated medical machines are concentrated in cities, leaving the medical condition in rural areas harsh and inconvenient. Health issues are so essential to the whole family, regardless of the age and gender, that after taking this factor into consideration, I reinforce that people in cities can take better care of their families.

Even so, facing the facts mentioned above, some may claim that such comparison and claimed superiority are discriminated classification that separate cities and rural areas unfairly. Such assertion, however, ignores the notion that facing the truth makes the whole society keep moving forward,including narrow down the gap between the development levels in cities and in rural areas. The comparison is objective, which we must face rather than escape or distort it. Moreover, only we admit the existence of such gap of life styles can we handle with gap better and help the rural people take better care of their families.

To sum up, no matter in terms of the education level or of the medical system, people in cities have more ways and are more convenient to take care of their families, which is why governments need to pay more attention and do more efforts to narrow the gap. Furthermore, only facing such comparison and difference objectively and admitting that people in cities can take better care of their families than the rural people, can the rural areas develop better. Therefore, I insist on the idea that people who live in cities can take better care of their families than those who live in rural areas.

=====

写了40分钟，不好，总是顾虑（想着要给大家看，不好意思写不好）+检查了5分钟~

miss绿光

第二篇综合~还是会有很多不完善的地方，辛苦给我改的人啦~
TPO9-17mins
The issue around fuel-cell engines and internal-combustion engines has been discussed. While the author asserts that fuel-cell engines take advantage of the internal-combustion engines, the professor points out that the author is way too positive towards the issue.

In the first place, the passage asserts that the internal-combustion engine relies on petroleum, which is limited resource and that hydrogen can be obtained from a variety of abundant sources.Therefore, fuel-cell engines can utilize resources more efficiently. It ignores the reality, however, that hydrogen is not as easily to acquire as the author claims. In fact, hydrogen resources are not such available. For example, the water cannot be directly used and acquiring the pure liquid, which is needed to generate the hydrogen, is so artificial that it is difficult to produce and store the hydrogen. On the other hand, the temperature needed to produce hydrogen is very cold, around 253 centi-degree below zero. Therefore, it is neither practical nor easy to obtain such hydrogen sources.

Subsequently, the author claims that hydrogen-based full cells can solve many pollution problems for the only byproduct of burning them is water. Thoroughly opposed to the assertion, the professor emphasizes that it is not burning hydrogen but the process which generate usable hydrogen that exerts pollutions very heavily. Because hydrogen is stored in the extremely cold environment, it needs lots of energy, which is acquired by burning large amount of oil and coal, to be utilized and thereby it pollutes the environment. Thus, hydrogen-based full cells cannot solve the pollution problem but generate pollutions.

At last, according to the passage, it is put forward that because of the high efficiency in full-cell automobile, it is more economically competitive compared with the internal-combustion powered vehicles. In the case, however, the professor disapproves again. The full-cell engines are made of rare expensive metals and the hydrogen is utilized by electricity, leading the fact that full-cell engines are not cheaper so far than the internal-combustion engines.

To sum up, the professor criticizes that conclusion claimed by the author to a great extent.

Suri在奋斗

很好很好，亲爱的真棒~~！！

婷婷connie

好的，绿光，我这回独立和综合都是改你的哦，别着急，今天晚上熬夜都要给你改完~
4.12独立改文

第一遍改的绿光的文

呵呵，没事，我也是这样的，要检查了再贴出来~

Agree or disagree? Compared with people who live in cities, people who live in rural areas can take better care of their families.

That might seem the trend to enter cities from the rural areas has never stopped, making the cities seemingly more advanced than the rural areas. There is somebody outside, meanwhile, claims that the trend(用tendency替换)must be explained other than such theory because they believe that living in different places doesn’t （dose not）lead them to different life status. From my perspective, however, people who live in rural areas（cities一定不能犯这样的错，容易让人搞不明白你表达的观点） can take better care of their families than those who in rural areas.

First of all, education is more available in the cities than in the rural areas. Although government has already put increasing funds into the construction of education facilities and improvement of the soft power of education in rural areas, the difference of education level between the rural areas and the cities remains a huge gap. I have the best evidence to demonstrate the existence of such gap since I live in cities while some of my cousins live in rural areas. School in cities, such as my school – XX High School, have a relatively high percentage of professors while in rural areas, for example, my cousin’s school named QingHe High school, the teachers even don’t possess the teacher certification. Tremendous difference（用different替换） is also exhibited in the aspect of facilities. Schools in cities always have sophisticated machines and apparatus but those in rural areas, on the other hand, rarely have machines which may help teachers to deliver their ideas effectively, such as the projectors and big screens. Without question, education is the most significant factor to raise children, （这里用句号比较好，语意已经完整）therefore, with better 上段显得有点多，建议语言精练些
Another equally paramount reason is that medical systems in cities are more advanced and sophisticated than those in rural areas.For instance, according to the Chinese Medicine Magazine, the percentage of grade-one hospitals in the cities is 30 percent while in rural cities, the percentage is close to zero. Moreover, about 93.2 percent of the most sophisticated medical machines are concentrated in cities, leaving the medical condition in rural areas harsh and inconvenient. Health issues are so essential to the whole family, regardless of the age and gender,（删掉） that after （删掉）taking this factor into consideration, I reinforce that people in cities can take better care of their families.

Even so, facing the facts mentioned above, some may claim that such comparison and claimed superiority are discriminated classification that separate cities and rural areas unfairly. Such assertion, however, ignores the notion that facing the truth makes the whole society keep moving forward,including narrow down the gap between the development levels in cities and in rural areas. The comparison is objective, which we must face rather than escape or distort it. Moreover, only we admit the existence of such gap of life styles can we handle with gap better and help the rural people take better care of their families.（这一段感觉有点偏，可以写农村生活也有好的地方，但是城市生活从另一个角度来说，能更好~)

To sum up, no matter in terms of the education level or of the medical system, people in cities have more ways and are more convenient to take care of their families, which is why governments need to pay more attention and do more efforts to narrow the gap. Furthermore, only facing such comparison and difference objectively and admitting that people in cities can take better care of their families than the rural people, can the rural areas develop better. Therefore, I insist on the idea that people who live in cities can take better care of their families than those who live in rural areas.（这一段more用多了，从不同角度去避免，比如用最高级或者no better than这样的用法）
Conclusion：很流畅，语法错误很少，但还要注意控制一下字数

gre呀gre

亲~我用电脑打不开论坛了，只能明天回家再发作文了，真不好意思了，麻烦你明天再帮我改好吗？

miss绿光

好的，绿光，我这回独立和综合都是改你的哦，别着急，今天晚上熬夜都要给你改完~

-- by 会员 婷婷connie (2012/4/14 19:18:10)

婷婷亲，不要着急~~保证休息最重要！！

miss绿光

亲~我用电脑打不开论坛了，只能明天回家再发作文了，真不好意思了，麻烦你明天再帮我改好吗？

-- by 会员 gre呀gre (2012/4/14 22:11:03)

必须行啊~亲爱的GRE^^