【写作小分队】stones4···超越每天的自己····

stones4

篮球开始校赛了，我又犯懒了。主要是今天开始总结我写过的所有作文，因为是i给鸟JJ改，所以想交好的！

Crystaljoy

篮球开始校赛了，我又犯懒了。主要是今天开始总结我写过的所有作文，因为是i给鸟JJ改，所以想交好的！

-- by 会员 stones4 (2012/4/12 23:01:00)

别太大压力啊，捂脸了。

原生态也好，都喜欢。哇哈哈。

再拖我老人家就忘了题目了要。

stones4

觉得写的和鬼一样啊···


Currently, facility equals to the strength of the educational capacity. Consider about the new generation who is more initiative towards a style of self-study with the help of facility. Nevertheless, compared purchasing facilities, hiring more teachers seems to be a better choice.
To begin with, it is always top of the list of my viewpoints that teachers play the most vital role in leading a student into a world of knowledge. Practically, teachers, invariably, make the system of a subject more logical by seizing the core of it. There is no denying that via the guide of a teacher, knowledge can be gained more efficiently by a student. As for facilities, it is conceivable that most students utilize these equipment to collect only a large sum of information. An investigation shows that 75% of university students have a loss in the skills of classifying the information and making these statistics into practise. That is the reason why so many people complain that students at present merely acquire the concepts written in the books but know nothing about how to use them into reality. "Science is built with facts just as I build a house with bricks, but a collection of facts cannot be called science rather than a pile of bricks can be called a house." Depending on the facilities, what the students collect is the so-called science. Therefore, without the assistance of teachers, on no account can students understand a subject profoundly at the first glance.

Moreover, Albert Einstein said. "Imagination is more important than knowledge". The reason why I maintain hiring more teacher is better is due to the fact that teachers not only impact knowledge to students but also enlighten their minds, meanwhile, foster them to do the utmost as they can to create innovative ideas perseverely. Communication, which can never be accomplished by using any facilities. As the essential part to establish a bridge to transform different ideas which virtually widen a student's vision. Teachers, in fact, communicate with students every second during the class. Furthermore, atmosphere of the class is taken in charge of a teacher who aims at set a circumstance in favour of exchanging opinions.

Admittedly, hiring more teachers is more economical for there is a need to update the facilities. As time goes by, facilities are sifted out while teachers become more and more knowledgable rely on their hard work. Imagine that ten years ago, a cellphone only can make a call cost 200 dollars or more. Today, a smart phone which has the same function as a computer just cost 100 dollars or less. Things like facilities lose their value fairly fast.

All in all, hiring more teachers does bring more benefits than purchasing more facilities. Man is a social animal and refer to face to an emotional person rather than the cold-blooded machines.

stones4

鸟JJ

Crystaljoy

Sorry~ 我出去耍了三天，刚看到！
这就和鬼交谈一下。

Crystaljoy

Currently, facility equals to the strength of the educational capacity. Consider about the new generation who is more initiative towards a style of self-study with the help of facility（consider about用于句首很罕见啊，多是considering做连词，表”考虑到，就……而言”）. Nevertheless, （，from my personal observation，）compared （+with 固定搭配）purchasing facilities, hiring more teachers seems to be a better choice.

To begin with, it is always top of the list of my viewpoints（这个地道么？my top concern/ top of my view） that teachers play the most vital role in leading a student into a world of knowledge. Practically, teachers, invariably, make the system of a subject more logical by seizing the core of it. There is no denying that via the guide of a teacher, knowledge can be gained more efficiently by a student (删去吧。我觉得英语中被动句受事者不一定要指出来；这个by也有与via同样的意思，会歧义). As for facilities, it is conceivable that most students utilize these equipment to collect only a large sum of information. An investigation shows that 75% of university students have a loss in the skills of classifying the information and making(putting)these statistics into practice (practice 是名词). That is the reason why so many people complain that students at present merely acquire the concepts written in the books but know nothing about how to use them into reality. （However, as the saying goes,）"Science is built with facts just as I build a house with bricks, but a collection of facts cannot be called science rather than a pile of bricks can be called a house." （我没看懂这句话，google发现原句应该是but a collection of facts cannot be called science any more than a pile of bricks can be called a house。就像一堆砖不能叫作房子，罗列一堆事实更不能被称为科学。No ……more than 更不能。）Depending on the facilities, what the students collect is the so-called science.（？我非常不解）Therefore, without the assistance of teachers, on no account can students understand a subject profoundly at the first glance.（删掉。一眼就看穿的是神仙啊~~~）

这段太太长了，本来对比一下teacher & facility的不同作用，得出结论即可。后面引用的不自然，太抽象的引用最好不用，否则得解释半天。

Moreover, Albert Einstein said. "Imagination is more important than knowledge".（？） The reason why I maintain hiring more teacher is better is due to（删除，和reason重复了） the fact that teachers not only impact（inculcate）knowledge to students but also enlighten their minds, meanwhile,(删除。not only but also就可以了) foster them to do the utmost as they can（try their utmost） to create innovative ideas perseverely. Communication, which（删除。本来一个好好的句子呢，被你给弄成一个词啦） can never be accomplished（only） by using any facilities. As the essential part to establish a bridge to transform (exchange) different ideas which virtually（to） widen a student's vision.(as不能单独成句，只能作为附属的从句。把这个变成communication的修饰吧，逗号隔开放在上句communication和can 之间) Teachers, in fact, communicate with students every second during the class. Furthermore, atmosphere of the class is taken in charge of a teacher who aims atset a circumstance (creating mood吧)in favour of exchanging opinions.

开头最好直接明了亮明观点啊，你这个imagination》knowledge的偏题引用又是让读者一头雾水；后面Communication 来的太突兀。

Admittedly,hiring more teachers is more economical for there is a need to （constantly）update the facilities. As time goes by, facilities are sifted out while teachers become more and more knowledgable rely（based） on their hard work. Imagine that ten years ago, (recall过去 imagine未来) a cellphone (which) only can make a call cost 200 dollars or more. Today, a smart phone which has (almost严谨)the same function as a computer just cost 100 dollars or less. Things like facilities lose their value（are devalued and updated） fairly fast.

All in all, hiring more teachers does bring more benefits than purchasing more facilities.Man is a social animal and refer to（我在想一根筋的老外会不会被你弄晕了？ Human being are sociable, thus it’s better for students in school to）face to an emotional person rather than the cold-blooded machines.

我发现的几个小问题：

1.句子之间缺乏逻辑性。前后句子间缺乏体现逻辑关系的词语，比如such, these, therefore, however. 英语意合，汉语形散，你每次写完都看看机经里面的范文，好好体会体会行文的逻辑性。

2.适当的引用是亮点，它可以作为支持自己论点的论据。但是别太生搬硬套了啊，更不能让观点跟着引用走。

3.建议先写八股文，等逻辑思路练熟练了，再脱离八股玩创新。

Crystaljoy

我是不是太犀利了= =

哈哈，别难过，也不客气~~~

好久没改作文了，跟你一起认真了一回嘛。

stones4

没有犀利啦，改的很好啦。恩，我会改进的

stones4

用时五十分钟···打字什么的···好慢···
Theorists usually measured progression in terms of increasing social complexity, or an increase in intellectual, theological and aesthetic sophistication. Currently, there's a general growing trend that human connection play as one of the main pillars of a prosperous society. When it comes to the question about job choosing between the high salaries but little time to company with family and friends and acquire a lot of time to stay with family and friends but earn less money. Personally speaking, the latter one seems to be a better choice.

Money is not a panacea, as society moves to a higher level in the scale of development, people care about not only material standards in their living but also their mental lives. That is to say, how to become happy is the most crucial topic in today's world. Family and friends are a mighty elixir when we face the difficulties, because they are who foster us to get through the misery. One secret of happiness, people innumerable studies suggests those who spend more time with their friends and place a high value tie with family matters a great deal. A large scale of surveys by the University of Chicogo National Opinion Center have demonstrated that those who have immense of time to share with friends and families are more likely to describe themselves as very happy, compared with those who own a lot of wealth but seldom have time to accompany with their families.

Even more important reason to choose a job pays little but allow employees staying with family and friends is because people tend to be far happier in happy, stable, committed relationships with their named aptly "significant others". It is obvious, time is an essential part to form the relationships. If a person chooses a high paying job but requires to leave his or her family and friends, without doubt, this person does not able to adopt a happy and stable relationship with the family. Instead, he or she has to deal with the relationships with a variety of clients. Among those surveyed by NORC from the 1970s through the 1990s. Some 40% of children said they were very happy; among the other 60%, though having a rich substance life, they always feel lonely because their parents just focus on their jobs. Additionally, these children tend to high risks of illnesses such as self-imposed or tristimania.

Also, more money can lead to more stress. The big salary one pulls in from a high-paying job may not buy much in the way of happiness. It can buy this person a spacious house in the suburbs. Trouble is, that also means a long trip to the work place. Even if the person loves the job, the little slice of every day hell that he or she calls the commute everyday can bring this person down. More worse, one can adjust to most anything but a stop-and-go trip and an overstuffed bus can make an unhappy day whether it is the first day or the last day of the job.

In a nutshell, due to the above mentioned reasons, which sometimes correlate with each other to generate an integrate whole and thus become more convincing than any single one of them, I may be comfortable to say that if you want to be the happiest one, choose a job which allow you to stay with your family and friends though it pays lower.

瓜瓜不瓜

石头，今天是我帮你改作文哈，处女改，多包涵  红字是优秀的地方，绿字是需要改进之处
Theorists usually measured（用一般现在时更恰当） progression in terms of increasing social complexity, or an increase in intellectual, theological and aesthetic sophistication.（平行结构么？感觉存在问题） Currently, there's a general（generally,adv修饰adj） growing trend that human connection play as one of the main pillars of a prosperous society. When it comes to the question about job choosing between the high salaries but little time to company with family and friends and acquire a lot of time to stay with family and friends but earn less money(又是一个平行错误， betweenxx andxx  两个xx没有平行，前面一个xx是名词，后面一个XX是动词了). Personally speaking, the latter one seems to be a better choice.

Money is not a panacea, （应该为句号，不然一个句子有两个主句了）as society moves to a higher level in the scale of development, people care about not only material standards in their living but also their mental lives. （这句话存在的问题是，as这个从句用了move 和比较级来强调变化，但是主句没有突出这个变化）That is to say, how to become happy is the most crucial topic in today's world. Family and friends are a mighty elixir when we face the difficulties, because they are who foster us to get through the misery. One secret of happiness, people innumerable studies suggests(that)those who spend more time with their friends and place a high value tie with family matters a great deal. A large scale of surveys by the University of Chicogo National Opinion Center have demonstrated that those who have immense of time to share with friends and families are more likely to describe themselves as very happy, compared with those who own a lot of wealth but seldom have time to accompany with their families.(这段的例子很好)

Even more important reason to choose a job pays little but allow employees staying（allow sb to do,stay）with family and friends is because(有了reason就不要用because了，改为that）people tend to be far happier in happy, stable, committed relationships with their named aptly "significant others". It is obvious,（直接用that从句，不然又是两个句子没有连词的错误了）time is an essential part to form the relationships. If a person chooses a high paying job but requires to leave his or her family and friends, without doubt, this person does（able的用法错误，be able to do）not able toadopt（adopt用在这里不合适，语义不符）a happy and stable relationship with the family. Instead, he or she has to deal with the relationships with a variety of clients.（这句出现的好唐突，没有逻辑的连贯性，删去会更红）Among those surveyed by NORC from the 1970s through the 1990s. Some 40% of children said they were very happy; among the other 60%, though having a rich substance life, they always feel lonely because their parents just focus on their jobs. Additionally, these children tend to high risks of illnesses such as self-imposed or tristimania.（研究性的例子被你用的如鱼得水哈哈）

Also, more money can lead to more stress. The big salary one pulls in from a high-paying job may not buy much in the way of happiness. It can buy this person a spacious house in the suburbs. Trouble is, that also means a long trip to the work place. Even if the person loves the job, the little slice of every day hell that he or she calls the commute everyday can bring this person down. More worse, one can adjust to most anything but a stop-and-go trip and an overstuffed bus can make an unhappy day whether it is the first day or the last day of the job.（这段，我看得莫名其妙，逻辑有点牵强，语法表达奇诡，但是又挑不出毛病。我才疏学浅）

In a nutshell, due to the above（above的词性 prep. &adv,没有adj.的词性，不能做前置定语） mentioned reasons, which sometimes correlate with each other to generate an integrate whole and thus become more convincing than any single one of them, I may be comfortable to say that if you want to be the happiest one, choose a job which allow you to stay with your family and friends though it pays lower.

总的来说：
你的例子用的不错，整片文章观点也很鲜明。陈述也较为有条理，但是逻辑有稍微的不足。
此外，我发现你的语法表达错误较多，要多多注意了哈、