【写作小分队】新人报道 请帮忙修改指正

sherilynchi

2月28日Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more important to choose friends that could have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you are in need.




As the saying goes,no one is an island.Life places us in a complex web of relationship with other people and our humanness arises out these relationships in the course of social interaction.When choosing friends,I tend to agree that it's more important to choose friends that could have fun with those will help me.

Firstly,from my perspective, a friend that I could have fun with can provide the settings which meet most of my emotional  needs.We may share the same hobby, enjoy reading the fiction novel written by our favorite writer and talk night over night about our joy and sorrow,in the way that we are meaningful to each other.The friendship between us is established on the basis of laughters ,happiness along with  mutual need and are formed when we emotionally invest ourselves in and commit ourselves to other people.Through the association with people who are meaningful to us,we achieve a sense of security ,love,acceptance,companionship and personal worth,and all  sense of well-being.

Reflecting in my own experience with Lucy,a friend I met on the Internet.We are both super fans of a rock band and it is the common taste about music that links us to each other.From the online conversation with Lucy,I obtained a sense of acceptance and companionship that just circled around in my mind as Lucy and I share most view about the rock band we love and other pop music.It is rather the happiness and fun from or common interest,but not whether Lucy can offer me some help or solve my problem that our friendship are based on and make Lucy my bosom friend .However,  the relationship with the people are useful when we are in need is just formed when we "cooperate" with other people to achieve some goal without endowing the relationship with any larger significance.

Secondly,the friendship between friends who can have fun with one another can lasts longer.The happiness people enjoy makes possible a subtle exchange of ideas and feelings and ties with people can usually deepen as they interact across time.However,for those who accustomed to turn to friends when confronted with troubles,the status in their friendship is not equal.Always being in a receiver or a giver  pose an negative impact on the relationship as the help giver may feel bothered when having a trouble maker as a friend and in turn,the receiver may become more and more relied on his or her friend for

resolution,finally losing the ability to decide on himself or herself.

Look closer,moreover,to the situation.In the relationship with friends who can receive help from ,people perceive their friends as means to ends rather than the ends. Additionally ,they may be involved in the relationship when they come for a specific ,practical purpose,even profits.How can we equate this kind of social relationship based on a pragmatic goal with the friendship based on the exchange of ideas and feelings and emotional connections?When it comes to friends we enjoy a fun,direct ,cohesive relationship with ,we see people as ends in themselves and value in their own rights.,which the true meaning of friendship lies in.




第一次 哈哈 感觉写的很别扭 不太懂怎么elaborate 写的时候拖拖拉拉

Crystaljoy

Sherily~
昨天的作业昨天晚上已经分组了呢。
下次要提前到大本营粘贴作业链接。

去看看小分队运行规则吧~ 欢迎你的加入~

sherilynchi

2月29日
Along with the rapid development of world economy and technology,it is an inevitable result that our world will come across some important problems,environment pollution,war and poverty ranking top on the list.As far as I am concerned,though those most important problems have been relieved to some degree,they will not be solved in our lifetime.
Looking around the world ,the picture is far from comforting.Poverty is still the biggest problem facing us.In 2005.the population of poor people living under 1.25 dollar everyday reached 1.4 billion,most part in developing country.Moreover, due to the world financial crisis and economy recession,according to the latest statistic from the WORLD BANK,64 million has added to the number.When it comes to the environmental protection,1700 species of plants and animals have been on the edges of distinction at the end of 2010.The increase rate of emission of carbon dioxide from 1995 to 2004 is much higher than that from 1970-2004,with the trend continuing.Additionally,in Middle East and Africa,the war and turmoil have never been disappeared or stopped.Taking the statistics and facts above into consideration,how can we agree that those obstacles in our developing path can be totally solved in our lifetime?
Taking a closer look at those problems,I hold the view that the financial crisis and subsequently the world economy recession is among the further reasons that hinder the resolutions.It is accepted that the world economy is the fundament of the national overall strength,without the development of which no country has the ability to solve the problem above mentioned. The shock that hit the world economy usually follows the fall in industrial production ,the drop of personal income and then people in growing numbers falling in poverty with no one caring about the air quality and the animals in the African desert.It is estimated that the growth in America and Britain will probably be less than 2% in 2012 on current policy ,and in both recession is quite possible.Under such a depressing economic outlook,it is reasonable for us to hold against the possible solution for the worsening environmental problem,poverty and war between countries scrapping for scarce demand.
Secondly,the world lacked a global leader.When in a big family,it needs a family member acting as the leader to orient all people and organize work on the basis of each people's strength to accomplish a certain goal.Today,America is probably still up to the job of co-ordinating disaster responses in troubled times and international institutions still have a long time to go to be actually stronger.Without the world leader,though more and more countries has hung together when facing the problems and crisis ,the team still lacks the cohesion and can be easily fell apart.
To sum up,countries still have a long way to go to overcome the obstacles confronting us in our lifetime.However,the situation is not yet beyond repair.But the task of repairing it grows harder the longer it is delayed.In other words ,we should be a practical doer rather than a day dreamer.

晨依Jacqueline

本人实在是水平有限，如果改错了请偷偷改回来……
红色为错误，蓝色为疑惑，高亮为精彩！
Along with the rapid development of world economy and technology,it is an inevitable result that our world will come across some important problems,environment pollution,war and poverty ranking top on the list.As far as I am concerned,though those most important problems have been relieved to some degree,they will not be solved in our lifetime.


Looking around the world ,the picture is far from comforting.Poverty is still the biggest problem facing us.In 2005.the population of poor people living under 1.25 dollarseveryday reached 1.4 billion,most parts in developing country.(晨依语法不太好，不知道可不可以这么说，但是个人感觉有点奇怪啊……是不是前面加个in啊?)Moreover, due to the world financial crisis and economy recession,according to the latest statistic from the WORLD BANK,64 million has added to the number.When it comes to the environmental protection,1700 species of plants and animals have been on the edges of distinction at the end of 2010.The increase rate of emission of carbon dioxide from 1995 to 2004 is much higher than that from 1970-2004,with the trend continuing.Additionally,in Middle East and Africa,the war and turmoil have never been disappeared or stopped.Taking the statistics and facts above into consideration,how can we agree that those obstacles in our developing path can be totally solved in our lifetime?


Taking a closer look at those problems,I hold the view that the financial crisis and subsequently the world economy recession is among the further reasons that hinder the resolutions.It is accepted that the world economy is the fundament of the national overall strength,without the development of which no country has the ability to solve the problem above mentioned(mentioned above). The shock that hits the world economy usually follows the fall in industrial production ,the drop of personal income and then people in growing numbers falling in poverty with no one caring about the air quality and the animals in the African desert.It is estimated that the growth in America and Britain will probably be less than 2% in 2012 on current policy ,and in both recession is quite possible.Under such a depressing economic outlook,it is reasonable for us to hold against the possible solution for the worsening environmental problem,poverty and war between countries scrapping for scarce demand.


Secondly(前面没有first而且是第三段，用In addition吧),the world lacked(不该用过去时吧？) a global leader.When in a big family,it needs a family member acting as the leader to orient all people and organize work on the basis of each people's strength to accomplish a certain goal.Today,America is probably still up to the job of co-ordinating disaster responses in troubled times and international institutions still have a long time to go to be actually stronger.Without the world leader,though more and more countries has hung(?) together when facing the problems and crisis ,the team still lacks the cohesion and can be easily fell apart.


To sum up,countries still have a long way to go to overcome the obstacles confronting us in our lifetime.However,the situation is not yet beyond repair.But the task of repairing it grows harder the longer it is delayed.In other words ,we should be a practical doer rather than a day dreamer.



Conclusion:每个句子写的都很好，full of高级表达和词汇，语言运用能力太强了，叹为观止；思维逻辑很严密，论证有力度有深度，extremely persuasive。我很好奇：你在运用例子如此自如是自己之前做了很多的积累吗？我基本上看不出什么错误来，感觉水平太高了，全是高级词汇和长难句把我都看晕了呀！我提的那几个小地方自己也不怎么很有把握，请你自己斟酌。我才是过了四级的水平，实在是拜倒了……⑷我说说我的一点想法，虽然这篇文章给人一种特别牛的感觉，但是长句和复杂句有点太多了，读的时候实在感觉有点凌乱了啊。⑸BTW，顺便请教一下积累好词好句好例子的经验~

Crystaljoy

Sherilyn 的文章真赞，大气~

sherilynchi

TO 帮我修改的好朋友：今天这篇文章我憋的好累，挤牙膏挤了半天。。。写的不好，时间也超，也大气不起来了。你有没有那种突然思绪很多突然涌上来但理都理不顺 只好干坐发呆或者边写边删的情况！！！

Along with the rapid development of the multimedia and entertainment industry,it is an inevitable result that the movies and televisions have played an pivotal role in people life,especially for young people.Admittedly,such phenomenon,to some extent,has given rise to a heated discussion on their influence to the youth behaviors.As far as I am concerned ,I tend to agree that they exert more negative influence than positive influence on the youth behavior.
Firstly,people fail to take into account the fact that behind the eye-catching movies and televisions is the pursuit of the commercial profits.Once the investor and the producer of the movies and TV shows find a potential market ,they will cater to the interest of audience even regardless of the social impact,which help explains the popularity of actions movies and horror movies nowadays.Apart from the visual effects and excite,such kind of movies instill excessive violence to its audience,among which,young people are the easiest to be abetted and misled due to their immature values and minds .Exposing to too much violence and fight ,young people may gradually tend to believe that violence and fight are the best way to solve problems.With a dream of being a superhero hidden at the bottom of heart,young people tend to ascribe a more important role to the muscle strength and aggressive,while ignoring the power of brain and human mind.That helps explain why there are more and more juvenile delinquency and campus bully.
Another aspects of the negative influence is that the movies and tv shows.especially the talent shows,mislead people ignore the hard wok of the performer while only focusing on their glory on the stage.Taken the Super girl,a very famous talent show in China,as an example, it conveys the message that as long as you have a big dream ,you can be a super star.It is such a concept that attracts many young girls to take part in the program on sacrifice of work and study.However, the program fails to show that without talents and hard work,even the most beautiful dream is just a day dreaming and by contrast,it encourages indolence and idle dream.distorting youth value of life and attitude toward life and study.
Although it must be noted that some movies and tv shows did display a positive attitude toward of life and inspire young people to pursue their ambitions,due to the nature of the commercial products ,most TV programs and movies that tend to attract audience with violence and unrealistic dream exert more negative impact than the positive one.

jiaosisisisi

haha~~~ 我来了
你的文章晚上我给你改吧~~

jiaosisisisi

蓝色是我认为可能有问题的 附加我的观点
红色是我认为可能会亮瞎读者朋友们的钛合金狗眼的句子
绿色是读后感

TO 帮我修改的好朋友：今天这篇文章我憋的好累，挤牙膏挤了半天。。。写的不好，时间也超，也大气不起来了。你有没有那种突然思绪很多突然涌上来但理都理不顺 只好干坐发呆或者边写边删的情况！！！

Along with the rapid development of the multimedia and entertainment industry,it is an inevitable result that the movies and televisions have played an pivotal role in people life(如果表达人们的生活people 'S life如何 ),especially for young people.Admittedly,（为什么我从来都不会用这种高级连接词。好吧我的确属于what's more 级别的。。。）such phenomenon,to some extent,has given rise to a heated discussion on their （这个their代的哪个呢。。。）influence to the youth behaviors（年轻人的行为。这个表达我感觉名词+名词的情况一般除非是惯用搭配，一般还是用of之类的表示从属比较好吧）.As far as I am concerned ,I tend to agree that they exert more negative influence than positive influence on the youth behavior.（摆明观点~~~不错。但是觉得句型稍微有点绕）


Firstly,people fail to take into account the fact that behind the eye-catching movies and televisions is the pursuit of the commercial profits.Once the investor and the producer of the movies and TV shows find a potential market ,they will cater to the interest of audience even regardless of the social impact,which help explains the popularity of actions movies and horror movies nowadays.Apart from the visual effects and excite,such kind of movies instill excessive violence to its audience,among which,young people are the easiest to be abetted and misled due to their immature values and minds .Exposing to too much violence and fight ,young people may gradually tend to believe that violence and fight are the best way to solve problems.With a dream of being a superhero hidden at the bottom of heart,young people tend to ascribe a more important role to the muscle strength and aggressive（ascribe XXX to,如果是把什么归因于~~~的意思的话，这句感觉有点weird~ 其次，to 后面连接的最后是两个雌性一样的成分比较好吧，strength名词 and 形容词，感觉不够parallel ）,while ignoring the power of brain and human mind.That helps explain why there are more and more juvenile (赞啊，这个形容词我想半天没想起来怎么写，所以我就很俗气地用了个young....)delinquency and campus bully.(这四个单词里面我只认识一半。。。其中还包括"and"...我是不是应该去背单词了呢)


Another aspects（私认为，用单数就可以吧。这里主位要一致）of the negative influence is that the movies and tv shows.especially the talent shows,mislead people ignore the hard wok of the performer while only focusing on their glory on the stage.Taken（你和举例是主动关系吧，不能用taken。besides，我记得take sth for example是比较常用的） the Super girl,a very famous talent show in China,as an example, it conveys the message that as long as you have a big dream ,you can be a super star.（这一句用了插入语，名词性短语同位语，还用了什么来着。。。换我就是For example,Super girl is very famous in China。。。。。。）
It is such a concept that attracts many young girls to take part in the program on sacrifice of work and study.However, the program fails to show that without talents and hard work,even the most beautiful dream is just a day dreaming and by contrast,it encourages indolence and idle dream.distorting youth value of life and attitude toward life and study.
Although it must be noted that some movies and tv shows did display a positive attitude toward of life and inspire young people to pursue their ambitions,due to the nature of the commercial products ,most TV programs and movies that tend to attract audience with violence and unrealistic dream exert more negative impact than the positive one.



观后感：我觉得你的高级词汇的确非常多~~~相比之下，我文盲了许多。。。。。
 文章优点很多  比如我觉得你首位呼应，结构很完整，但是我觉得我更愿意跟你讲下或许对你有帮助的建议
首先，主题句不够鲜明。（我是被很多人教育了之后，现在写作文 每一段第一句话，你一定可以清楚知道我这一段的论点！所以好好利用每一段的第一句话比较好。）
其次， 亮点是各种高级词汇以及复杂句，但是问题也是在这里，很多复杂句子，感觉很生硬。如果是为了罗列它们而罗列的话，感觉不可取。
关于此，我多说两句吧不要介意~~~~
没有批评的意思，只是感觉备考式的作文，并不是追求最华丽的句型，其实我们如果能把清楚准确表达观点用尽量简洁的句子写上，不能让考官第一次读完感觉到puzzled。获取高分，才是目的。
当然值得我学习的也很多，相比之下，我的文章太小学六年级了，我以后也会适当加上一些限定+非限定性定语从句，同位语从句，插入语，倒装句，虚拟语气什么的了
finally~~加油！祝顺利crack T