There is no doubt that everyone has many friends, but only few of them are intimates. We usually share enjoy or sadness with them. Each person has own criterion. Some people advocate that friends could have fun with, while others suggest that friend will help you when you are in need. As far as I am concerned that friends will help you when you are in need. As a Chinese old saying goes that, ”a friend in need is a friend indeed”. When we have troubles in daily life or some barrier in front of our works, the real friend could in favor of us and give me vital suggestion. When we feel sad, friend will make feel better. For example, when I first time to take high school basketball game, I didn’t play very well. During the whole competition, I made a lot of mistakes. And we lose this game in the final. I feel so sad and blame myself many times. But my friends talk to me and give me a lot of courage. This makes me feel comfortable. What is more , the friends that will help you when you are in need also could have fun with you. Sometimes we get together to celebrate our success or interest festivals. I always play game with my best friend. We always inspire other to be a better man. On the contrast, if my friends are all just having with me, I didn’t feeling better when I am in trouble. When I lost this game, they probably blame to me and abandon me. They will make me feel more guilty. In conclusion, I intend to stand on the side that friends will help you when you are in need. The facts that we always make friend with someone who real cares about you.
忘写上题目了 2月28日Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more important to choose friends that could have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you are in need.
There is no doubt that everyone has many friends, but only few of them are intimates. We usually share enjoy(joy) or sadness with them. Each person has (its)own criterion. Some people advocate that friends could have fun with(friends are people who you can have fun with比较好一点吧，你的说法读起来有点奇怪), while others suggest that friend will help you when you are in need. As far as I am concerned that (正确用法是As far as I am concerned,)friends will help you when you are in need.(点评：你看看题目中的more important是不是没有抓住？在主题段落的时候一定要突出你的观点，当然这个观点是要与题目的观点对应的。可以说你并没有注意到题目中两个元素的关系，第一段就不是well organized。所以整个文章都有点跑题了。给你一点小tip：在写第一段的主题句的时候可以换成题目statement的同义改写。单句写的有点多了，多练习一下找到句间关系写写长一点的句子。开头最好要简洁明了一些，建议先写一句背景引入，再标明自己的立场。当然也有别的好的写法，你可以参考一些范文，我的建议只是比较懒一点大众一点的……仅供参考吧。注意尽量避免过多的重复表达，你看此段倒数两句连着都是写friends will help you when you are in need，可以尝试其他的表达，比如when you are in trouble或者when you have some difficulties等等。部分用词还是很好的，给文章提亮了！)
As a Chinese old saying goes that, ”a friend in need is a friend indeed”.When we have troubles in (our) daily life or some barriers(注意细节哦~单复数) in front of our works(这句话读起来有点wired,daily life和works的关系不算是并列的吧。When we have troubles in knocking down the barriers in our life),the(a比较好，不是特指的) real friend could in favor of(这个短语前面应该是be动词)us and give me(前面是us后面成了me，要统一起来！) vital suggestions. When we feel sad(upset/annoyed/depressed), friends will make (us)feel better. (还是，句子过于简单了。When we are in a dilemma, a true friend is willing to comfort us and help us get out of trouble.)For example, when I first time to take high school basketball game(I didn't play well the first time when I took part in the basketball game in high school), I didn’t play very well. During the whole competition, I made a lot of mistakes. And we lose(lost)this game in the final. I feel(felt) so sad and blame(blamed) myself many times. But my friends talk(talked) to me and give(gave)me a lot of courage. This makes(made) me feel comfortable.(点评：首先是一些细节问题，错的太多会影响你的成绩的。单复数和时态错误过多了，建议亲在写完作文的时候给自己留出几分钟时间扫一遍，把这些拼写等错误消灭！这一段第一句的谚语用的很好，看出来你是用心在写，可是就像我们写议论文的作文一样，在一段的开头应该摆明自己的论点，你却没有。关于例子，你废了不少笔墨，但是有很多细节完全不需要提到，其实完全可以简化一下自己的例子。试着在修改的时候简化一下用两个长句把事情说清楚，你看看能不能做到？针对你写的这些短句，我再提一下。首先在写作的时候不要用中文的思路想一句翻译一句，这样写出来的句子都是散的。其次，积累一些关联词，即使是在文章中出现这些单句，也要尽量能让人看着有层次感。所以，在修改作文的时候给你布置一个任务，看看能不能找准句间的逻辑关系让句子衔接得更加流畅。)
What is more , the friends that will help you when you are in need also could have fun with you. Sometimes we get together to celebrate our success or interesting festivals.（这个句子表达太Chinglish了，这几天多看看范文积累一下好的搭配。虽然有些东西可以“百搭”，但是搭出来也有好看难看之分，所以还是尽量用一些原汁原味的表达~） I always play game with my best friend. We always inspire（each）other to be a better man.(点评：这一段一共写了三句话，我就一句一句的来说吧。主题句有了，虽然和题目的意思不是特别匹配，主要是和开头没有把握好题目有关，但是总的来说，这个主题句写的还是不错的！we指代不明，虽然我明白你的意思，但是多少让人感觉奇怪，而且注意一下搭配。举例子。这个地方又写的太过简单了，而且两个句子没有什么实际联系，又不是能很好滴突出主题，让人摸不着头脑。我解释一下，也就是说你的主题句是一个递进关系，首先这个friend will help you when you are in need，然后他also have fun with you，但是下面的例子只能说明have fun，丢掉了前提，所以你要想想怎么样才能让这两个方面都突出出来呢~)
On the contrast(on the contrary/in contrast), if my friends are all just having with me, I didn’t feeling better when I am in trouble. When I lost this game, they probably blame to me(blame on me) and abandon me. They will make me feel more guilty.(点评：写到这个地方我想说你一定要以一个认真的态度来对待文章，你自己可以看一看就这几行字里面有多少时态的错误？我给你标出来了，你自己思考一下应该用什么时态。还有，可能我语气有点强硬了，我觉得didn't feeling这种错误不应该是过了四六级的童鞋应该犯的错误吧！你觉得呢？而且写完作文一定要检查！要是因为这些导致作文扣分很多的话岂不是很冤枉？！还有就是你这已经是倒数第二段了，前面的例子最好不要用了，this game这种指代也不应该再莫名其妙的出现了。希望你能先看一看托福作文的一些基本要求和大致的写法。这一段意思写的也略感突兀，虽然采用对比手法论证是很好的方法，但是你的逻辑让人思维紊乱了。)
In conclusion, I intend to stand on the side that friends will help you when you are in need. The facts that we always make friend with someone who really(副词) cares about you.（点评：抛开意思不谈，第一句这个总结写的还可以。和开头一样，还是一定要与题目匹配，题目不是让你说friends will help you的，建议亲在审题上下下功夫！第二句我知道你的意思是想写从句的，可是有木有发现你的从句只写了一半就没了……中文最后叫做留悬念引人遐想，可是英语作文不会允许这样的。而且我觉得从意思上你的第二句也没有很好的去support这么好的一个主题句，可惜了。）
2月28日Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more important to choose friends that could have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you are in need.
第一次修改： There is no doubt that everyone has many friends, but only few of them are intimates. We usually share joy or sadness with them. Each person has its own criterion. Some people advocate that, friends are people who you can have fun with while others suggest that friend will help you when you are in need. As far as I am concerned, I prefer the friends who will help you when you are in need to the one just having fun with you.
As a Chinese old saying goes , ”a friend in need is a friend indeed” When we encounter obstacles in daily life and work, a real friend could be in favor of us and give us vital suggestions. When we feel sad(depressed/annoyed), a real friend will me feel comfortable (When we are in a dilemma, a true friend is willing to comfort us and help us get out of trouble.). For example, when I first time to take high school basketball game, I didn’t play very well. (I didn't play well the first time when I took part in the basketball game in high school) During the whole competition, I made a lot of mistakes. And we lost this game in the final. I felt so sad and blamed myself many times. But my friends talked to me and gave me a lot of courage. This made me feel relax.
What is more , the friends that will help you when you are in need also could have fun with you. A suitable example, one of my best friends, a man named Ray, he always help me to get over math problem. However, we also get together to play cards, football or basketball game and enjoy ourselves very much. There are always full of laugh between he and me. Sometimes we also inspire each other to be a better man.
On the contrary, if all my friends which just having fun with me, I will take much more time to get out of trouble by myself. Even worse, they will blame on me if I make a mistakes which involved all of us. In conclusion, I intend to stand on the side that friends will help you when you are in need. A real friend can help you when you get trouble. A true friend not only can help you when you are in trap, but also cherish our time which we get-together.
2月29日Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important problems in today’s world will be solved in our lifetime.
During our whole life, it is undeniable fact that there are many problems around us, some of them can be solved easily, but some of traps are hard for us. Thus the time which use to get over these difficities(difficulties) is dissimilar. As far as I am concerned, the most critical problems in today’s world will be solved in our whole life.
First of all, we need to contribute to the society use our whole life. Everyone lived in these society need to deal with all kinds of problems, they may be came from the process of our study, our daily life or family. However, sometimes a lot of strange idea sprang up from our thought and we could ask ourselves. What kinds of life are valuable. How can we achieve our own goal? When these problems came to our mind, we want to avoid and didn’t want to answer. I want to mention that we need to take our own responsibility. A suitable example, Steve job, a man who invents a series of apples and operated the company, had changed this world. He spent his whole life to make our life more interesting. He answered what should we do and we admired to him..
What is more, we need to take responsibility and solve our family’s problems. We have to teach desendents(descendants) and make our family lovely. For instance, my father is a good model. He is always busy with his work and having a little time to relax. But everyday he will never failure to care about our health, our study and life. His behavior always makes our hearts warm. Thus we love him very much. I think he will insist on that.
In conclusion, there are some problems will be solved in our lifetime. We need to make contribute to our country as possibly as we could and to deal with family problems in our whole life. I think it is worth doing that.
During our whole life, it is undeniable fact that there are many problems around us,(.) Some of them can be solved easily, but some of traps are hard for us(traps??troubles??or difficulties? ). Thus the time which use to get over these difficities(difficulties) is dissimilar. (Thus when can we solve all these problems remains unanswered.)As far as I am concerned, the most critical problems in today’s world will be solved in our whole life.
First of all, we need to contribute to the society use our whole life(we need to contribute our whole life to solve the problems). Everyone lived in these society need to deal with all kinds of problems, they(which) may be came from the process of our study, our daily life or family. However, sometimes a lot of strange idea sprang up from our thought and we could ask ourselves. What kinds of life are valuable.(?) How can we achieve our own goal? When(Every time) these problems came to our mind, we want to avoid and didn’t(don’t) want to answer. I want to mention that we need to take (take up)our own responsibility. A suitable example(+is that), Steve job, a man who invents a series of apples(这样表达有歧义哦。who invented many creative products) and operated the company(the successful company Apple), had changed this(our) world. He spent his whole life to make our life more interesting. He answered(told us) what should we do and we admired to him..
What is more, we need to take (up) responsibility and solve our family’s problems. We have to teach desendents(descendants) and make our family lovely. For instance, my father is a good model. He is always busy with his work and having(has) a little time to relax. But everyday he will never failure(fail) to care about(take care of) our health, our study and life. His behavior always makes our hearts warm. Thus we love him very much. I think he will insist on that.
In conclusion, there are some problems will be solved in our lifetime.(there are some problems that we can solve in our lifetime.) We need to make contribute(contributions) to our country as possibly as we could and to deal with family problems in our whole life. I think it is worth doing that.(I think all these things are worth doing.)
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发表于 2012-2-28 18:45:28
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