noboundaries的作文——互改小组第一期

noboundaries

7/98/99.The following is a recommendation from the
Board of Directors of Monarch Books.
"We recommend that Monarch Books open a café in
its store. Monarch, having been in business at the same
location for more than twenty years, has a large
customer base because it is known for its wide selection
of books on all subjects. Clearly, opening the café would
attract more customers. Space could be made for the
café by discontinuing the children's book section, which
will probably become less popular given that the most
recent national census indicated a significant decline in
the percentage of the population under age ten.
Opening a café will allow Monarch to attract more
customers and better compete with Regal Books, which
recently opened its own café."

字数：522
时间：第一次写argument，花了75min吧

1，分类多所以客户基数大（潜在的顾客会变成真正的购买人群？大客户群无法说明开咖啡馆吸引顾客，喜欢喝咖啡的人数比例很小呢？假如M在书店开咖啡馆，随之而来的各种饮料和食品气味和可能的嘈杂纷乱是否会令一些顾客不喜欢？或者破坏了M书店原有的宁静气氛，并赶跑一部分先前潜在的顾客？）
2，撤掉儿童区（国家普查结果适合该地？十岁以下儿童所占百分比的缩小，不等于儿童绝对数量的减少。。。）
3，咖啡店更好与R竞争（R开咖啡店原因，是否盈利？情况不同，可否类比？）


The argument in the recommendation from the Board of Directors is weak. Although the advantages of Monarch Books in its business has been taken into consideration, they failed to account the corresponding possible shortcomings. Such imprudent deduct is somehow not well substantiated and dubious as well.
In the recommendation, the Directors concluded that opening the cafe would attract more customers out of no persuasive reason. Even though Monarch has a large customer base, it's unknown whether the latent customers would turn to real consumers. Besides, we don't know how much the proportion of customers who love to enjoy cafe is. If only a small number ,say 1% ,of people would like to come to the cafe to enjoy cafe drinking, can we still hold the opinion that this reform is worthwhile? What's more, the following malodor and lamor is also an important issue to evaluate the feasibility of carrying out such a plan. To many people ,the sightless implement may break the valuable tranquility and therefore force away even some previous loyal customers. Considering this aspect, the given reasons of the directors is not trustworthy enough.
This recommendation then quote the result of a most recent national census, whose applicability is doubtful. Firstly, national census generally collect statistics form the whole country ,as a consequence, it does not necessarily suit the situation of the area where Monarch Books is settled. Secondly, the decrease of the the population percentage under age ten is not equal to the conclusion that the absolute number of the whole children population is also diminishing. The result of the census may come from the increase of population in other ages, while the most direct change of the population under age ten is unknown. Thirdly, provided that not only the percentage but also the less absolute number are consolidated facts, we cannot draw the conclusion that children's book is less popular. Children customers ,even if their population is small ,capable of consuming more children's books. With the improved economical conditions in recent years and their parents' increasing care for them whose proportion decreased, their desire to enjoy more books may be better satisfied. Taking all this above into account, if the children's book section is discontinuing without full premeditation ,the whole sales situation may be impaired and thrown into confusion.
In the end of the recommendation, an analogy is given but bears a lot of flaws. The directors simply state that Monarch should open a cafe when Regal opened its cafe. This judgement is not rational. Whether the two Book stores are comparable is unknown. Regal Books, whose main reason to open its own cafe may be a compensation for its weak book sales, is not worth of imitation. In addition, further supporting data relating to the sale situation of Regal Books after its open of cafe are not given ,which make the issue of whether or not to open a cafe for Monarch tangled.
Therefore, the recommendation is full of flaws and failed to consider many important aspects. Much more work need to be done before finally decide whether it is suitable or not to open a cafe.

呆呆蓝

The argument in the recommendation from the Board of Directors is weak. Although the advantages of Monarch Books in its business has been taken into consideration, they failed to account the corresponding possible shortcomings. Such imprudent deduct is somehow not well substantiated and the conclusion is dubious as well.
In the recommendation, the Directors concluded that opening the cafe would attract more customers out of no persuasive reason. Even though Monarch has a large customer base, it's unknown whether the latent customers would turn to real consumers. Besides, we don't know how much the proportion of customers who love to enjoy cafe is. If only a small number ,say 1% ,of people would like to come to the cafe to enjoy cafe drinking, can we still hold the opinion that this reform is worthwhile? What's more, the following malodor and lamor is also an important issue to evaluate the feasibility of carrying out such a plan. To many people ,the sightless implement may break the valuable tranquility and therefore force away even some previous loyal customers. Considering this aspect, the given reasons of the directors is not trustworthy enough.
This recommendation then quote the result of a most recent national census, whose however, applicability of it is doubtful. Firstly, national census generally collect statistics form the whole country ,as a consequence, it does not necessarily suit the situation of the area where Monarch Books is settled. Secondly, the decrease of the the population percentage under age ten is not equal to the conclusion that the absolute number of the whole children population of child reader is also diminishing. The result of the census may come from the increase of population in other ages, while the most direct change of the population under age ten is unknown(略牵强，可以说10岁以下不代表所有儿童，很多10以上的孩子，甚至打人都喜欢看儿童读物). Thirdly, provided that not only the percentage but also the less absolute number are consolidated facts, we cannot draw the conclusion that children's book is less popular. Children customers ,even if their population is small ,capable of consuming more children's books. With the improved economical conditions in recent years and their parents' increasing care for them whose proportion decreased, their desire to enjoy more books may be better satisfied.（牵强，还是举个例子说中国某个城市（如深圳）儿童比例减小了，但是儿童总数还是在增高） Taking all this above into account, if the children's book section is discontinuing without full premeditation ,the whole sales situation may be impaired and thrown into confusion.
In the end of the recommendation, an analogy is given but bears a lot of flaws. The directors simply state that Monarch should open a cafe when Regal opened its cafe. This judgement is not rational. Whether the two Book stores are comparable is unknown. Regal Books, whose main reason to open its own cafe may be a compensation for its weak book sales, is not worth of imitation. In addition, further supporting data relating to the sale situation of Regal Books after its open of cafe are not given ,which make the issue of whether or not to open a cafe for Monarch tangled.
Therefore, the recommendation is full of flaws and failed to consider many important aspects. Much more work need to be done before finally decide whether it is suitable or not to open a cafe.

文章的切入点选择都很准，展开的也很好。
缺点是语句不够优美，还有所举的例子，不够合适，需要多积累一些素材。
好好练习，加油！~

noboundaries

issue 89

zkh1991

改好了~

noboundaries

argument 55

noboundaries

issue 12

zkh1991

我觉得写得比我好多了。。。就是最后一段感觉是上一段的归纳 而不是全文的归纳 可以再改改~
然后就是关于issue的写法~
能不能用很长的篇幅来写 为了完善issue的改进意见 呢？

dream521fang

写的比我们成熟多了，，学习了。。。啥时候我能这么熟练把握语言

zkh1991

找的点很多~论述也很充分 每个部分都写出了对应的assumption感觉有调查之类的就可以攻击调查流程对象什么的 我从你这模仿下。。。



最好还是有个结尾比如 unless the assumption成立 才能下结论之类的~

noboundaries

argument 132
写的过程中断断续续花了好多时间想怎么表达，经常感觉像有口说不出啊
不知道这种plight多久之后可以被克服啊！！！