TWE089,请费心批改一番

gladys_gl

又艰难的写了一篇，请NN给批一批，考试就剩几天了，着急ｉｎｇ

089 If you could travel back in time to meet a famous person from history, what person would you like to meet? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

There are a lot of person who made great contributions to our society. When facing the question who is the most preferred person to meet, people hold diverse choices due to their respective emotional concerns and personal angles. In my point of view, I would meet the famous scientist Yuan Longpin duo to his achievement, personality and spirits.

   To begin with, Mr. Yuan is the celebrated scientist who had accomplished so great feat for the people of whole country. As we all know, the agriculture of our country is too weak, and millions of people need enough food to eat. The fact has lasted decades of years until the new kind of grain was planted. It is Mr. Yuan who bred the new coin by thousands of trials, suffering countless fails. The new crossbreed coin make an exceedingly stride in the output, reaching 800 kilograms per acre in some regions. The achievement has mainly solved the food-needy problem in china.

   Next factor why I choose Yuan Longpin is because one of his characters: industrious. In the process of experiments, Mr. Yuan, as old as 60, in spite of the hot sunshine or pouring storms, seed, water and fertilize in the field. Moreover, he had traveled almost every corner of whole country to find the most suitable weather and soil condition. By his thousands of trial plants, the plantation of the new grain is successful. Now it is mass-produced all over the country. From this, I know that success is based on sweat and struggle.

   An additional reason is his providing of education for the young generations. Yuan donated to build 3 middle schools in his hometown. Meanwhile, he told the students the knowledge is the most powerful force to change the poor fate. Now hundreds of students educated there has graduated from universities and be main forces in diverse industries.

   Admittedly, there are also other persons in history who should gain respect from us in that they had   impulsed our society to develop in all aspects. But I would rather say that the enough food is the basis of other activities. It is Yuan longpin who make it came to true, therefore, whom I want to meet is him..

   To sum up, all the factors mentioned above weave into an organic whole and thus be more convincible. All the values we gained from YUAN LONGPIN will definitely benefit to not only me but also every Chinese people. This also leads to my original propensity.

guoliwei

呵呵，第一句话有个小错：'person' should be 'persons,　好象还有一些小语法错误，自己再看一遍

guoliwei

As we all know, the agriculture of our country is too weak, and millions of people need enough food to eat. The fact has lasted decades of years until the new kind of grain was planted.

好象这句话稍微有些不通，你的意思是想说我国的农业还很落后，很多人没有足够的粮食吃是吧，这种情况直到袁发现了一种新的品种才得到改善。所以是不是应该这样表达：the agriculture of our country is so weak that millions of people have not enough food to eat.

不一定对，只是个人的理解。ＧＯＯＤ　ＬＵＣＫ

snow_mountain

An additional reason is his providing of education for the young generations.

这句awkward。 发现很多人写的作文，每段第一句都巨不爽， 不知道是不是模板来的。

英文是讲求生动的语言， 没有必要的被动语态或者动名词都应该避免。

soaring

NOD，不过开始套套模版找下感觉是该，呵呵

soaring

以下是引用gladys_gl在2004-9-14 15:30:00的发言：

又艰难的写了一篇，请NN给批一批，考试就剩几天了，着急ｉｎｇ

089 If you could travel back in time to meet a famous person from history, what person would you like to meet? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

There are a lot of person who made great contributions to our society. （there be 句型不赞成使用哦，尤其在ETS的文章里）When facing the question who is the most preferred person to meet, people hold diverse choices due to their respective emotional concerns and personal angles. In my point of view, I would meet the famous scientist Yuan Longpin duo （due) to his achievement, personality and spirits.

   To begin with, Mr. Yuan is the celebrated scientist who had accomplished so (有了so,总让人不自觉地在后面找that ) great feat for the people of (the) whole country. As we all know, the agriculture of our country is too (建议换个）weak, and millions of people need enough food to eat. The fact has lasted decades of years until the new kind of grain was planted. It is Mr. Yuan who bred the new coin by thousands of trials, suffering countless fails(failures). （good)  The new crossbreed coin make( 这个地方过去时是不是好些？） an exceedingly stride in the output, reaching 800 kilograms per acre in some regions. The achievement has mainly solved the food-needy problem in china.

   Next factor why I choose Yuan Longpin is because one of his characters: industrious. （MM，注意句式的变化哦，这个地方可以自己多加工下的，不一定要套模版，你可以试着改改问句）In the process of experiments, Mr. Yuan, as old as 60, in spite of the hot sunshine or pouring storms, seed, water and fertilize （事态错误）in the field. Moreover, he had traveled almost every corner of （the) whole country to find the most suitable weather and soil condition. By his thousands of trial plants, the plantation of the new grain is (was) successful. Now it is mass-produced all over the country. From this, I know that success is based on sweat and struggle.(GOOD)

   An additional reason is his providing of education for the young generations. (上面GG说了，还是句式问题哦）Yuan donated to build 3 middle schools in his hometown. Meanwhile, he told the students the knowledge is the most powerful force to change the poor fate. Now hundreds of students educated there has graduated from universities and be main forces in diverse industries.

   Admittedly, there are also other persons in history who should gain respect from us in that they had   impulsed our society to develop in all aspects. But I would rather say that the enough food is the basis of other activities. It is Yuan longpin who make it came to true, therefore, whom I want to meet is him..

   To sum up, all the factors mentioned above weave into an organic whole and thus be more convincible. All the values we gained from YUAN LONGPIN will definitely benefit to not only me but also every Chinese people. This also leads to my original propensity.

这篇文章确实难写，我当时连提纲都懒得写，觉得自己不会那么倒霉，呵呵。

袁隆平是吧？那MM的拼音就错了哦 Yuan longping，有个后鼻音的，呵呵

还有几天了？加油啊！

gladys_gl

大N, 偶又改了改，动的地方不少，再给偶看看，多谢。

Countless people made great contributions to our social civilization and improved the social development. Young people can learn a lot from them. If you get a chance to choose such a person to meet, whom would you choose? When facing the controversial question, people would make diverse decisions due to their respective emotional concerns and personal angles. As far as I am concerned, I want to meet Yuan Longping, a famous scientist, because of his achievement, personality and spirits.

   To begin with, Mr. Yuan is a celebrated scientist who cultivated a prolific grain. His production is vital for China and Chinese. As we all know, the agriculture base of our country was so weak that millions of people needed food. The fact had lasted decades of years and kept becoming more fierce. In 1970’s, a new breed of corn began to be planted in southern areas and extended all over our country several years later. The new crossbred coin made an exceedingly stride in outputs, reaching 800 kilograms per acre in some regions. The harvest has mainly solved the food-needy problem in china. It is Mr. Yuan who bred the new coin by thousands of trials. Not only me but also millions of Chinese want to meet Mr.Yuan and show our respect for him.

   Next factor that arouses my decision is one of his characteristics: industrious personality. In the process of experiments, Mr. Yuan, older than 60, kept on seeding, watering and fertilizing in the field in spite of his illness and season change. Moreover, he had traveled almost every corner of the whole country to find the most suitable weather and soil condition. By his thousands of trial plants, the plantation of the new grain was successful. Now it is mass-produced all over the country. From this, I know that success is based on sweat and struggle.

   In addition, Yuanlongping did a lot for the education of young generations. He donated to build 3 middle schools in his hometown after he received award. Meanwhile, he told students that knowledge is the most powerful force to change the poor fate. Inspired by his words, now hundreds of students, who came from Yuan’s hometown, have graduated from universities and are backbones in varieties of industries.

   Admittedly, there are also other persons in history who should gain respect from us in that they had   also made great contribution to our society. But I would rather say that the enough food is the basis of other activities. It is Yuan longpin who make it came true.

   To sum up, all the factors mentioned above weave into an organic whole and thus become more convincible. All the values we gain from Yuan Longping will definitely benefit not only to me but also to other Chinese.

[此贴子已经被作者于2004-9-16 16:14:40编辑过]